Fellas, do you want your Valentine's day (and night) to be a success? If your goal is to reach the Holy Grail of love before the champagne grows warm, follow this check list of do's and don'ts for the big day:
* Don't buy that cheesy, stuffed bear in the bin at the drugstore checkout line. Chances are your special lady has twenty more just like it in a garbage bag in the back of her closet. If she wants something cute and fuzzy, buy her a hamster or a ferret.
* Nothing screams "last minute gift" more than three dozen wilted roses for three dollars from a roadside stand. And don't pick your neighbor's dandelions or daisies in an effort to create a clever bouquet. A florist you are not. Brush the cobwebs off your wallet and buy some REAL flowers that last more than a day.
* When it comes to chocolate, don't buy that cheap crap that leaves a waxy feel to the roof of your mouth. If the candies are covered in a white film, the box has most likely been sitting on the store shelf since Valentine's Day 2010. This is the one time you don't want to skimp on quality. Buy your woman some damn Godivas.
* Wine makes a perfect gift, unless it comes from the Swamp Gator Winery in the Florida Everglades. The same goes for champagne. If it was bottled in a garage in Joplin, Missouri, you might want to shell out some extra cash for the good stuff.
* Taking your significant other to Denny's for the $1.99 dinner special is NOT a romantic gesture. Take her to a restaurant that has more than three stars attached to its name. If salisbury steak and pancakes are listed on the menu and there's a chocolate dipping fountain in the center of the room, you're in the wrong place.
* Don't shop the local flea market for fake silver that looks like it came from a vending machine at a carnival. If you're going to be THAT cheap, the least you can do is throw in a bag of popcorn or roasted peanuts.
* When your woman hinted that tickets to a show might be nice, she wasn't referring to Monster Jam where the 4x4s have tires the size of three story donuts. Get her a dozen Krispy Kremes and take her to the theatre.
* Thinking of shopping at Victoria's Secret for your love? Be very careful. If you buy her a thong two sizes too small, she'll obsess about her weight. If you buy her one in rhino size that doubles as a slingshot, you risk sleeping on the couch for a week.
* Caviar is a tricky gift. If it's Beluga from the Caspian Sea, your partner will love it. If the container of caviar is marked, "Made In Hong Kong", she might end up in the bathroom all night. The only action you'll see will be with a mop and a bottle of disinfectant.
Fellas, if you follow this check list, you're sure to have a rewarding evening full of surprises….or maybe just a furry ferret.
Catch my weekly article at In The Powder Room. I'm talking about getting my freak on once the last kid leaves the nest! Read it here: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/home-time/2014-02-countdown-getting-freak-on.html
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I prefer taking her to Ihop over Denny's but that is because we don't have a Denny's here.
ReplyDeleteLOL she must LOVE pancakes! Although I have to admit---if my hubs bought me some chocolate chip pancakes, I'd be pretty damn happy!!!!
DeleteYou got it down Marcia! Every man should read this:)
ReplyDeleteHave a fantastic Friday!
I agree, they NEED to!!! Just say NO to stuffed teddy bears!!
DeleteGodivas, like gold, go with everything! Love your "empty nester" article -- I'm counting down with 'ya!
ReplyDeleteAwww…thank you so much for reading my stuff, Laurie! How 'bout we split a box of Godivas, hmmm?
DeleteNote to self: Do not buy Valentine's gift and 6 Pack of Muleshoe Wine from Rite Aid.
ReplyDeleteThanks for helping a brutha out!
Muleshoe wine??? BAHAHAHA!!!!!
DeleteUgh - valentine's day...can't we just skip this hallmark holiday? Ok - since we can't...you can never go wrong with good wine and good chocolate. Sharing now.
ReplyDeleteYou. Are. Awesome. BTW, LOVED the post you wrote about your mother--I shared it last week on my Fb page. Left me very teary-eyed.
DeleteI got an adding machine for Valentine's Day many years ago. That was the last time we celebrated.
DeleteHAHAHAHA OMG Janie!!! I would have stopped, too!!
DeleteOne can never go wrong with Godiva. Or as someone at my husband's office Christmas party calls it, Go-DEE-va.
ReplyDeleteLOVE that! I need to call my hubs right now and tell him that's what I want---Go-DEE-vas!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteToo funny. Though some might think that this is a comedy piece, I'm sure that the scenarios you list as "don'ts" are reality far too often!
ReplyDeleteSad but true, yes!
DeleteI remember I once got that stuffed bear from the grocery store- it was awful! And accompanied by some wilting grocery store food colored flowers!
ReplyDeleteGah! Just say no to cheesy bears and wilted roses!
DeleteAnd don't buy her something that is actually for you or any appliances/cleaning supplies. Yup . . . actually received those in the past . . . when I received anything at all.
ReplyDeleteThis year, give him a shovel so he can dig his own….well, you know.
DeleteThe Do's And Don'ts Of Valentine's Day. Very entertaining, well written and great advice.
ReplyDeleteLOL glad you liked it, Daniel!
DeleteI love how you describe the restaurant and if it has certain fixtures... it's a sign to leave... lol
ReplyDeleteI am not much into Valentines day... being a single girl but most I want a guy to remember and maybe do a little housework for me... I would teat him good... hahaha
Ohhhh…housework is a good one! I have to confess though---the only reason I don't want my hubs to take me to a restaurant that has a chocolate fountain in it is because I fear I will lose control and dunk my head in it.
DeleteLove the list Meno Mama. Last year I had such a laugh because when I was out doing some last minute shopping and I noticed several men trying to pick out the remnants of left over flowers for Valentine's Day. I mean, those were BAD remnants and I couldn't help thinking that they were in for one hell of a rough night, ha ha ha.
ReplyDeletePlan carefully ahead I say. Be wise and use the list above since there is still time to change your fate, ha ha ha.
OMG I would throttle my husband if he brought me half dead flowers from the garbage, LOL!!!
DeleteI hope a lot of the guys are reading this, otherwise V-Day is going to be a disaster. I ignore the holiday since I'm single, but my dream Valentines Day gift would be him either cooking or having delivered one of my favorite meals and eating by candlelight with soft music and a romantic dance in my own home. Not too expensive, but memorable.
ReplyDeleteAdd hiring someone to clean the house and THAT would be the perfect Valentine's day!
DeleteThat's what I'm talkin' about! Godivas. Because if life is a box of chocolates, I wanna know what I'm gonna get and I want it to be dark and 80% cacao.
ReplyDeleteSmart lady----that's the kind of chocolate we can eat, guilt-free!
DeleteOMG Marcia! I'm dying with laughter here - this is beyond hilarious. I just tell my husband to buy me a gift certificate for a massage. That way, even when he brings home the chocolates with the white film from Vday 2010, I have the massage gift card. HAHAHAH about the rhino-sized thong that doubles as a sling-shot. You're just plain AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteI'll admit, I was giggling myself over that line. I have NO CLUE where these weird thoughts come from…..maybe had something to do with the wine I was sipping while writing it….
DeleteThe wisdom of the ages! Again, you've got it, girl! :)
ReplyDeleteToo many BAD Valentine's Days in my past, unfortunately….
DeleteWell, now I surely know what not to get for my gal. Unless I want to end up single!
ReplyDeleteYou have to watch the SNL fake commercial that aired this past week -
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/valentines-day-commercial/n45814
Very Cool! I'll check it out---thanks, Phil!
DeleteI am so glad that I am anti-Valentine's Day. So, so very glad. This list just compounds it.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm not a "normal woman" and that's fine. Don't like chocolate, hate flowers, and jewelry is yuck.
In fact, give me some quiet time to write, drop some food off on the desk and then allow me a binge on Doctor Who. I'm all set.
Sounds perfect to me----I keep telling the hubs I want to go away for a week of solitude somewhere in the woods where food and drinks will be brought to me, but other than that, no phones, TVs or visitors. Just imagine how much writing I could get done!!!
DeleteValentine's Day is great at the beginning of any relationship, I think. It's veeerry romantic. But after you've been with someone for a while, it's a lot of pressure and somewhat anticlimactic, imo. Personally, I can't stand the holiday, but that's because a boyfriend broke up with me a few days before it and I had to watch everyone else get flowers and presents from their love while I was crying and miserable. Boo!
ReplyDeleteThat's the WORST!! It does get stale when you have been with someone for a long time. You already know what's coming----and what's expected of you that night, LOL. One year Hubs gave me a skillet. I almost hit him over the head with it.
DeleteThanks for the advice, Marcia. I've just got time to return that thong that resembles a sling-shot!
ReplyDeleteBetter do it fast before the wife bans you to the couch for a week…or even a month!
DeleteMy hubs tried the Victoria Secret once. Too small and not my taste at all. Very bad choice! He learned his lesson the hard way and buys chocolate now.
ReplyDeleteHe wised up quickly, didn't he?
DeleteThis is an awesome share!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by!
DeleteThis brings back memories of my romantic (choke choke) X husband who ran out to Walgreens to get whatever was left over the evening of Valentine's Day and then he would drive me to the local bar so he could drink. Curiously, I don't miss him at all.
ReplyDeleteWow!!! Good thing he's an EX!!!
Deletehahaha cheap chocolate and Monster Jam.....YES. As in hell-to-the-NO. Fortunately, my hubs is amazing in the gift department. Seriously. My friends are usually jealous at how in-tune he is. I'm a lucky gal.
ReplyDeleteYou certainly are---but I say so is he, to have such a special lady like you! <3
DeleteGreat V-Day post Marcia/Mother! I totally agree about gift giving on this day. Funny how we both posted about V-Day, as mine is a man’s version of it.
ReplyDeleteYour post is BRILLIANT, Phil!!! LOVED IT!
Deletehaha Marcia. Great checklist for those not in the know. Fortunately, My Love is a sweetie and a romantic. On our very first Valentine's Day he wrote me a note and made it into a card. It was the sweetest most cherished card I have ever received...that is until the next Valentine's Day. I receive a handmade card every year with his heartfelt thoughts. I have them all and they mean more to me than any roses or candy ever will.
ReplyDeleteBarbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com
What a beautiful gesture! You are one lucky lady, Barbara!
DeleteI thought I commented on this! UGH! Here is my comment:
ReplyDeleteHA HA HA HA HA HA! (In other words, ROFL)
*Giggle* ok... moving on then...
Let's hope neither one of us ends up with these gifts or else no one will be ROFLing!!!
DeleteLOVED this post. Thanks for the smile! Now let me make you smile with my blog chronicling my 51 years of unprofitable Valentine's Days!
ReplyDeleteWhat's Wuv Got to Do With It
http://royalthighness.com/wuv/
I really enjoyed your list. The "Swamp Gator Winery" ... I'm still cracking up!
Very cool--I'm going to check out your blog post right now!
DeleteIt's half-serious half-in-jest...this really *is* a dangerous day of the year for dudes. Maybe we could lighten up on them a little and not make it the Ultimate Test Of How Much You Really Love Me? Now your assignment for *next* year, Marcia, is to tell the ladies how to NOT screw up Valentine's Day for the poor schnook who's just trying to make her happy :)
ReplyDeleteBrilliant idea, Nicole! I think I WILL do that next year…..but you might have to remind me as I'm getting forgetful at my age….
DeleteNice Post. it's Really interesting. I Don't Believe on Valentines. But Thank you very much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteNot a fan of Valentine's Day but I AM a fan of chocolate!
DeleteYou need to run copies of this and hand them out to all high school boys. Teach them while their young. I got my Godivas AND a trip to the beach. We did have cheap beer, but I guess you can't have it all! Awesome list, Marcia! XX
ReplyDeleteI like your Valentine's Day plans---sound like the perfect evening for me--it always is when chocolate is involved!
Delete