Love Me, Love My Cheeseburger
I am really gonna do this. I am going to order that mofo and feel damn good about it.
The anticipation is building. I’m not feeling so bad about this choice as I’m in the line behind a new Audi A7 with a nice looking gal behind the wheel with a great hairdo. She’s smoking a cig–-even better….
We creep up the line until I pass her on my way to the other order box and I wait my turn. I am feeling pretty good about this decision. Especially since there is the gal in the Audi and a gal in an Acura in front of me with no kids in their cars. We are secret sisters in crime.
I’m at the speaker---and she asks: “Welcome to Diet Hell, would you like the new double muffin top burger with cheddar, oreos, fritos and chocolate?”
I say---”I WISH! No thank you, but I will have a Number 2, LARGE, with a Diet Coke..”
She says, “First window please”…
I pull up and pass the Audi and the Acura. Me and my Honda go to the window, pay cash and I come away with a QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE MEAL--- and I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! I eat that burger like I’ve just been kicked off the island after 3 weeks of Survivor. Down to the last fry.
Every morning, when I get up and turn on my computer or phone and look at my email, the Body Police on the internet have been pretty busy because I get---no lie---about 6-10 emails a DAY early in the am from all those places out there like Weight Watchers, Prevention, Jenny Craig, Healthy Mom, NutriSystems, Wheat Belly and more. How to this, how to that…. holy crap, I am so confused. What a way to start your day.
At 53, and being a tad soft around the middle, I am also prime for heart attack, diabetes, gout, knee problems, thinning hair, incontinence and more fun body dysfunction than you can imagine. I KNOW there is a troll out there that took one look at a picture of me on FB and said–-OK, we got another one---prime target–--send her the emails of death!!!!!!!!!!!!!
True to form, every time I say I’m going to lose weight, BC (the husband) drops 5 pounds in one week basically doing nothing but eating what I’m eating. I struggle to lose 2. Obviously I do not have enough testosterone. I walk the dogs every day and even they are looking thinner. In my thirties I dropped baby weight like a rock. In my fifties, that baby weight is back and it’s called having a teenager weight gain. Remember that new baby worry---the worry that they aren’t going to roll over, or they'll fall out of the crib, fall off of something, or eat something dangerous? Well, now that baby is behind the wheel of a car.
I actually am looking forward to the empty nest weight loss in a year or so.
I have found out the hard way that no amount of money in your wallet will fix all that stuff like fatness and unhealthiness, because it has to come from within. That’s the only way.
I am tired of the guilt. I am tired of feeling bad about eating even one French fry. I am tired of the comments, the P90X guilt, the running guilt, the food guilt. Yep, I run. I run to the bathroom.
Once the guilt and self-doubt is thrown to the lions, I truly think that great things can happen. Even my skinny girlfriends complain about their size. What has this come to, except for a ton of women of all sizes and shapes unhappy with themselves? Great.
So yes, I am going to try and improve my health. And no, I am not going to feel guilty about that piece of birthday cake I ate that’s in my office kitchen. Even though I committed chip-a-side the other night at a super bowl party, I did counter it with tons of raw vegetables and yogurt dill dip. It made Monday a day to be close to a restroom…
If I go every day feeling guilty about something I did or did not eat, I'll end up at a standstill and end up doing nothing good for myself.
Unfortunately, body and beauty perfection is the holy grail of women today. And what should be the holy grail for women is to truly like ourselves.
Warts and all.
Mary Anne Payne has been a writer, in her own mind for years. A real estate blogger since 2002, she started, under the threat of death from her girlfriends, her blog Forever 51 in 2012. Since then her posts have been featured on BlogHer, Huffington Post, Better After 50, Generation Fabulous, Midlife Boulevard, in her local community, and in 'Laughing Out Loud' an ebook on Amazon. Mary Anne wants world peace, a cure for hot flashes, and a cheap boarding school for her teenager.
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