Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: Forever 51

     I absolutely ADORE today's Wacky Wednesday Writers guest! Please say hello to the fabulous Mary Anne Tuggle Payne of Her blog posts usually have me howling with laughter, as do many of her Facebook statuses. I was so thrilled to find Mary Anne because we are both midlife bloggers, and everything she writes is so relatable to me. She is a gifted humorist and an inspiration! I'm very fortune to have her guesting today, because I suspect this talented lady will be a household name one day. Her recent post, "Y'all Laughin at Us? Bless Your Hearts,"went viral in 24 hours! How cool is that? Be sure to check out her awesome blog and give her a BIG welcome here today on Meno Mama's site!

Love Me, Love My Cheeseburger

I am really gonna do this. I am going to order that mofo and feel damn good about it.

The anticipation is building. I’m not feeling so bad about this choice as I’m in the line behind a new Audi A7 with a nice looking gal behind the wheel with a great hairdo. She’s smoking a cig–-even better….

We creep up the line until I pass her on my way to the other order box and I wait my turn. I am feeling pretty good about this decision. Especially since there is the gal in the Audi and a gal in an Acura in front of me with no kids in their cars. We are secret sisters in crime.

I’m at the speaker---and she asks: “Welcome to Diet Hell, would you like the new double muffin top burger with cheddar, oreos, fritos and chocolate?”

I say---”I WISH! No thank you, but I will have a Number 2, LARGE, with a Diet Coke..”

She says, “First window please”…

I pull up and pass the Audi and the Acura. Me and my Honda go to the window, pay cash and I come away with a QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE MEAL--- and I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! I eat that burger like I’ve just been kicked off the island after 3 weeks of Survivor. Down to the last fry.

Every morning, when I get up and turn on my computer or phone and look at my email, the Body Police on the internet have been pretty busy because I get---no lie---about 6-10 emails a DAY early in the am from all those places out there like Weight Watchers, Prevention, Jenny Craig, Healthy Mom, NutriSystems, Wheat Belly and more. How to this, how to that…. holy crap, I am so confused. What a way to start your day.

At 53, and being a tad soft around the middle, I am also prime for heart attack, diabetes, gout, knee problems, thinning hair, incontinence and more fun body dysfunction than you can imagine. I KNOW there is a troll out there that took one look at a picture of me on FB and said–-OK, we got another one---prime target–--send her the emails of death!!!!!!!!!!!!!

True to form, every time I say I’m going to lose weight, BC (the husband) drops 5 pounds in one week basically doing nothing but eating what I’m eating. I struggle to lose 2. Obviously I do not have enough testosterone. I walk the dogs every day and even they are looking thinner. In my thirties I dropped baby weight like a rock. In my fifties, that baby weight is back and it’s called having a teenager weight gain. Remember that new baby worry---the worry that they aren’t going to roll over, or they'll fall out of the crib, fall off of something, or eat something dangerous? Well, now that baby is behind the wheel of a car.

I actually am looking forward to the empty nest weight loss in a year or so.

I have found out the hard way that no amount of money in your wallet will fix all that stuff like fatness and unhealthiness, because it has to come from within. That’s the only way.

I am tired of the guilt. I am tired of feeling bad about eating even one French fry. I am tired of the comments, the P90X guilt, the running guilt, the food guilt. Yep, I run. I run to the bathroom.

Once the guilt and self-doubt is thrown to the lions, I truly think that great things can happen. Even my skinny girlfriends complain about their size. What has this come to, except for a ton of women of all sizes and shapes unhappy with themselves? Great.

So yes, I am going to try and improve my health. And no, I am not going to feel guilty about that piece of birthday cake I ate that’s in my office kitchen. Even though I committed chip-a-side the other night at a super bowl party, I did counter it with tons of raw vegetables and yogurt dill dip. It made Monday a day to be close to a restroom…

If I go every day feeling guilty about something I did or did not eat, I'll end up at a standstill and end up doing nothing good for myself.

Unfortunately, body and beauty perfection is the holy grail of women today. And what should be the holy grail for women is to truly like ourselves.

Warts and all.


Mary Anne Payne has been a writer, in her own mind for years. A real estate blogger since 2002, she started, under the threat of death from her girlfriends, her blog Forever 51 in 2012. Since then her posts have been featured on BlogHer, Huffington Post, Better After 50, Generation Fabulous, Midlife Boulevard,  in her local community, and in 'Laughing Out Loud' an ebook on Amazon. Mary Anne wants world peace, a cure for hot flashes, and a cheap boarding school for her teenager.


  1. I have lost a great deal of weight... it isn't easy and it didn't come from programs... I did this from within.. I am not small, nor will I ever be small... I am just healthier... I also think what I learned from all this was that I had to love myself where I was or I would never love myself thinner... We as women need to learn that:)

    1. Good for you-I realize I am not genetically skinny so its more about being happy and healthy-Mary Anne (commenting from a friends' computer)

  2. LOL I have a love affair with McDonald's and I will never feel guilty ever! Okay, maybe a little but it wont stop me from having a cheese burger and a hugful of fries once in a while. :)

    1. Seriously-it's not like we eat there every day--besides McD's coffee is the BOMB and only a dollar-Mary Anne

  3. So true -- feels like food has become a threat and enemy and wagging finger instead of a joy. I love McDonalds! But wait.. empty nest weight loss - really?

    1. Empty nest weight loss-no more crapola in the house like cookies, ets-her metablisom aint mine HAHA - Mary Anne

  4. To a Healthier me! That's my mantra! And I'm getting there. One day at a time . . .

  5. Hi Mary Anne! Love that bio girl. A her own mind! I'm right with you, right up until all the wonderful places you have been published. Well deserved!

    I think you write the heart of every 50 year old everywhere. I am also struggling, but the kids are gone, so that doesn't bode too well for you 'Empty Nest' plan. Sorry. But it might just be me?
    Have a good time, and don't deny yourself too much.
    Hey! Is that you at Diet Hell? Thats me in the beater behind you! Let's pull over and eat in style at the plastic tables. I bet it would be fun :)

    1. Name the date and time-I'll be there-thanks so much-just wish I could get a little bit paid for these gigs so I can afford a more expensive burger HA - MaryAnne

  6. I agree--food is not an enemy. Our relationship with it can be complex, though.

  7. So easy to relate to this post!! I laughed while reading, but I got the messages too. Very nice.

  8. You go, Mary Anne! I'm in the same place, just a couple years older. I'm still trying to figure out how to get this job done. I recently started gaining weight after having stayed in one place for years, albeit obese, and it has shocked me into action. Your post is very timely. Good luck to both of us.

  9. I adore you already, Mary Anne!!! I love your voice, and your words are SO true!

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  11. I love this so much Mary Anne! You know what I did a mere hour before I read this? (Couldn't comment then, I was on my phone and had fry grease on my hands.) I was at the McD's drive thru. Yep. Ordering a #1 with a Diet Coke by rote as if talking in my sleep. And I savored and enjoyed that thing. Because I don't do it often, but when I do, I feel guilty…"I should be getting salad…yada yada…", but who wants to live to be 90 if we can't enjoy ourselves sometimes. I SO get it. So funny, so well written. Hi 5, lady!

  12. Heck, we all don't live forever, so just try to stay as healthy as possible and enjoy life. My guilty please is Dominos pizza and those boneless chicken nuggets.

    Also, my fav McD's meal is the #2 - two cheeseburgers, fries and a diet coke. Yes, a diet coke. I'm not fooling anyone.

  13. Excellent post, skillfully combining wit with a serious message for all those people (mainly women, but increasingly men) dissatisfied with their body shape & size, and constantly striving for a physical change with a misplaced hope that it will promote contentment.

    I like your style - I'll drop in on your blog some time soon.

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