Thursday, November 29, 2012

My Five Minutes Of Blogging Fame

     Coming from a long line of sugaraholics, I have always relied on baking as a means to unwind after a long day. This past year I found another outlet---blogging---and it is just as good a stress reliever as a batch of double fudge, chocolate chip cookies (without all the calories).
     I spend too much a lot of time on the computer searching for new blogs, and was fortunate enough to stumble upon one with similar ideas ("When the going gets tough, the tough get baking & blogging"), and I knew I had found a kindred spirit. I'm talking about Karen, who blogs at She writes an awesome, witty blog that includes yummy recipes at the end of each post. WARNING: don't go there hungry or else be prepared to salivate! Karen graciously offered me a guest blogging spot (post date 11/29/12) at her site and I was honored and excited to accept her invitation.
     If you are one of my regular readers, please share the love and hop over to her site to read our collaboration. Karen is the real deal, folks. She's as sweet as the treats she bakes!
     If you arrived from Karen's site to check out my blog for the first time, you're probably wondering who Menopausal Mama is and how the heck I scored such an awesome gig on Karen's blog. I can't answer that but I CAN tell you a little bit about myself:  I'm married to Robin Williams' long lost twin-separated-at-birth; I have 4 mini versions of my comedian husband and unabashedly write about their private lives and mishaps on my blog. I'm mostly menopausal-bitchy-tired-hot flashy, but on a good day have been known to mellow out over a bottle of wine in my backyard garden with friends. I have 6 chinchillas, a rabbit and a few dogs, and firmly believe that I am somehow related to Snow White because birds and squirrels eat right out of the palm of my hand. Seriously. (At least THEY don't care if I'm menopausal). I own way too much nail polish (hoarder), I make amazing (i.e. strong) margaritas, I have two-tone hair (yin & yang), love obnoxious earrings (way too many of those, too), chew my cuticles and avoid left turns at major intersections.  I sell Avon ("Ding dong, Avon calling!" Yeah, I'm one of THOSE ladies). I'm also OCD but a damn fine cook.  Humor is what gets me up in the morning (along with 3 cups of strong coffee). If you want to ride the humor train with me, check out a few of these posts (or just click on the titles of older posts on the right side bar):

     Thanks again to Karen for letting me kidnap her blog for a day. In the spirit of the holidays, I decided to share with her one of my favorite cake recipes that is in high demand in our household. You'll just have to hop on over to her site for a cup of coffee and a slice of cake to find out which one it is! Please visit Karen at:


Sunday, November 18, 2012

Life In The Unemployment Lane

     Thanksgiving is upon us, and while most people are counting their blessings on this traditional family holiday, I am the grinchy pessimist seeing a glass that is already half empty. Our world was turned upside down when my husband lost his job recently (no, he did not work at the Hostess Twinkie factory, although he IS my favorite Ding Dong). Somebody stomped on the breaks and we weren't wearing any seat belts. Not only did we lose our income, but our healthcare as well. To say that life is a challenge is an understatement. A trap door has opened under our feet---the rope to climb out within our grasp but hard to reach.
     Our current situation renders negative and positive thoughts on being unemployed:

     *My husband, who was born during the Jurassic period, cannot compete with the Generation X applicants clamoring for the same job.

     *We can no longer enjoy a good, Porterhouse steak. We're reduced to eating Spam and baked beans...pretty soon that box of doggie treats on the shelf will look appetizing.

     *Instead of spending 8 hours at a job, my husband spends 8 hours digging under couch cushions or the car floorboards in search of loose change to play the lottery. He can't walk past a vending machine without checking the coin return for stray nickels and dimes.

     *My guy now requires a two hour nap in the middle of the day after consuming mass quantities of cheap food to counteract his boredom. He stands at the kitchen counter and just squirts the cheese from a can directly into his mouth, then washes it down with  handful of crackers.

     *To keep himself busy, my husband has been trimming all the hedges into Disney topiaries, painted the shed in camouflage and dug up our yard for a new sprinkler system, which now resembles a groundhog transit system.


     *My husband has tackled the pantry that I have recently neglected by alphabetizing and color coding soup cans, boxed meals and cake mixes.

     *We have time to enjoy a morning walk together. The hubs is trying to work off his beer belly and the man boobs that bounce as he he jogs (no money for a sports bra).

     *The rain gutters and tile grout in the shower have never been cleaner. Even the dust bunnies under the bed have packed up their suitcases and left.

     *We have time now to explore every chapter of the Kama Sutra book. Clowns and unicorns notwithstanding.

     *We get to sleep in as late as we want. Whether it's five hours or eight, we still wake looking like disoriented patients after shock therapy. We have yet to invent a drip line from the Keurig machine to our mouths upon waking.

     Eventually my husband will find a new job and life will return to normal. Sack lunches, regular income and a juicy, Porterhouse steak. Perhaps the glass IS half full. This Thanksgiving, our turkey may be the size of a Cornish Game hen, but I am still grateful. I may be broke, but I am wealthy in so many other ways. I have my family, my health and the last Twinkie off the shelf.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Dear Meno Mama

WARNING! This blog post is a result of what happens when I leave my husband alone with my laptop and a six pack of beer. He hacked into my account and decided to have some fun with my email. If you are easily offended, turn back now....

Dear Meno Mama:
     Why didn't somebody warn me how lousy menopause would be? I'm in my fifties and my inner thermostat has reached 102. I feel like I'm living on Mercury with no sunscreen in sight. My hot flashes equate to solar flares. What can I do?   ------From Sahara Suzie

Dear S.S.:
     No one warned you about this miserable change of life phase because there is a male conspiracy out there fooling women into believing that menopausal symptoms are all in their pretty little heads. Unless your hot flashes are contributing to melting the polar ice caps, I would start stockpiling ice cubes from the freezer and building your own personal igloo to inhabit for the next 2 years.

Dear Meno Mama:
     My husband still thinks I'm a sex kitten but I feel more like a manatee in a negligee. Menopause has taken away my sex drive and all I want to do is visit the 24 hour Drive-Thru at Taco Bell. How can I ignite my libido when I'm so busy eating double-stuffed Oreos in the closet?----From Libidoless Liza

Dear L.L.:
      I hope you like vegetables and fruits. Bananas and cucumbers are in season. And Duracell Lithium batteries last a long time.

Dear Meno Mama:
     Lately I've been feeling as prickly as a porcupine. Menopause has robbed me of all sanity and patience. Even my kids are driving me crazy. Little Tommy tried to milk the cat and my teenager  left a plate of pizza crusts under her bed to feed a colony of cockroaches. When I went to pour myself a shot of vodka after breakfast, I discovered that the bottle was missing. I'm yelling at everyone like an irate customer in the returns line at Walmart. What can I do to restore my sanity? --- Pissed Off Patty from Pahokee
Dear P.O.P.F.P.:
     I believe a visit to the doctor for some chill pills is in order. Or you can try yoga---get into the Downward Facing Dog position and howl for a Milk-Bone. If that doesn't work, you can always visit a therapist for $200 an hour to curl up into the fetal position and engage in scream therapy.

Dear Meno Mama:
     The older I get, the harder it is to stay awake. I think I may have narcolepsy---just yesterday after enjoying a caesar salad at the women's auxiliary luncheon, I woke up with a crouton in my ear and my slacks were damp. What should i do? ----From: Sleeping-Not-So-Beautiful In Seattle

Dear S.N.S.B.I.S.:
     I have two words for you: adult diapers! That way you can drink galloons of Starbucks coffee to stay awake and never have to worry about falling asleep mid-pee.

     To all my inquisitive followers, I apologize for my husband's peculiar perspective on menopause. As you can see, he has stopped taking his meds. Time to take away the laptop and give him back the TV remote.



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