Friday, November 9, 2012

Dear Meno Mama


WARNING! This blog post is a result of what happens when I leave my husband alone with my laptop and a six pack of beer. He hacked into my account and decided to have some fun with my email. If you are easily offended, turn back now....

Dear Meno Mama:
     Why didn't somebody warn me how lousy menopause would be? I'm in my fifties and my inner thermostat has reached 102. I feel like I'm living on Mercury with no sunscreen in sight. My hot flashes equate to solar flares. What can I do?   ------From Sahara Suzie

Dear S.S.:
     No one warned you about this miserable change of life phase because there is a male conspiracy out there fooling women into believing that menopausal symptoms are all in their pretty little heads. Unless your hot flashes are contributing to melting the polar ice caps, I would start stockpiling ice cubes from the freezer and building your own personal igloo to inhabit for the next 2 years.

Dear Meno Mama:
     My husband still thinks I'm a sex kitten but I feel more like a manatee in a negligee. Menopause has taken away my sex drive and all I want to do is visit the 24 hour Drive-Thru at Taco Bell. How can I ignite my libido when I'm so busy eating double-stuffed Oreos in the closet?----From Libidoless Liza

Dear L.L.:
      I hope you like vegetables and fruits. Bananas and cucumbers are in season. And Duracell Lithium batteries last a long time.

Dear Meno Mama:
     Lately I've been feeling as prickly as a porcupine. Menopause has robbed me of all sanity and patience. Even my kids are driving me crazy. Little Tommy tried to milk the cat and my teenager  left a plate of pizza crusts under her bed to feed a colony of cockroaches. When I went to pour myself a shot of vodka after breakfast, I discovered that the bottle was missing. I'm yelling at everyone like an irate customer in the returns line at Walmart. What can I do to restore my sanity? --- Pissed Off Patty from Pahokee
Dear P.O.P.F.P.:
     I believe a visit to the doctor for some chill pills is in order. Or you can try yoga---get into the Downward Facing Dog position and howl for a Milk-Bone. If that doesn't work, you can always visit a therapist for $200 an hour to curl up into the fetal position and engage in scream therapy.

Dear Meno Mama:
     The older I get, the harder it is to stay awake. I think I may have narcolepsy---just yesterday after enjoying a caesar salad at the women's auxiliary luncheon, I woke up with a crouton in my ear and my slacks were damp. What should i do? ----From: Sleeping-Not-So-Beautiful In Seattle

Dear S.N.S.B.I.S.:
     I have two words for you: adult diapers! That way you can drink galloons of Starbucks coffee to stay awake and never have to worry about falling asleep mid-pee.



     To all my inquisitive followers, I apologize for my husband's peculiar perspective on menopause. As you can see, he has stopped taking his meds. Time to take away the laptop and give him back the TV remote.

     
                                                            
         
                

132 comments:

  1. LOLz ... hilarious weekend piece to get me through Monday!

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    1. Hi Noir! Glad I could start your weekend off right!

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  2. Your husband is hysterical!! LMAO!

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  3. Such a funny read. I know it can get somewhat annoying at times but having a hubby with a sense of humor can be a great thing. Mine always keeps it interesting :)

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    1. I can't imagine life without his warped sense of humor!

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  4. I see a blog in your hubby's future = definitely lol
    Be wary of the competition!!!
    Great post
    Hugs,
    Suzan

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  5. Oh my word - I laughed so much I almost pee'd myself.

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    1. Uh-oh! Better look into those adult diapers!

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  6. I think your husband needs a slot on here, he is so funny. Get him to pay for the space, ha ha ha ha. Loved the email responses. If you ever feel down, then just take him off his meds again. Brilliant post.

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    1. He always has his say when it comes to my blog--where do you think I get my inspiration from? Now, to go without his meds...well, look at that picture of him...

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  7. Wow.. that's a post. Awesome. i love the way he did it :P

    And as always u have put it together so well.. Was a great humorous read

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    1. Thanks Hon for visiting again--I'll let him know ho much you like his "work".

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  8. Ha! Too funny! He should have his own advice column... Something like "Dear Dude" or "Ask-da-Man". Or (only because my personal library is mostly board books at the moment) "If You Give A Man A Laptop..."

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    1. Oh this is too funny! And I used to LOVE those "If You Give a Moose A Muffin...: books!

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  9. Ha! Too funny! He should have his own advice column... Something like "Dear Dude" or "Ask-da-Man". Or (only because my personal library is mostly board books at the moment) "If You Give A Man A Laptop..."

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    1. Oops! A repeat comment. You must REALLY like this post!

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  10. Men have such different ways at looking at things. It's rather refreshing to hear "his straight up" point of view. :) It made for a few laughs along the way as well. :)

    Of course, I've been enjoying your blog since I found it. :) Behind every good man is an even better woman. ;)

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    1. And I agree with that! Thanks for keeping up with my blog!

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  11. lol. priceless as always. Love the mantee. Lol lol!

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    1. I died laughing when I saw that picture---I was thinking how much I could relate to looking like that....

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  12. Replies
    1. Perhaps I should leave my laptop lying around more often---he seems to be getting a following here....

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  13. My husband is an Evil Genius and is often threatening to post on my blog. I'm thinking I had better put a password on my computer?

    However, it WAS funny! :-D Of course, I'm not menopausal yet, but I'm getting a good idea of what I have to look forward to!

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    1. Put a password on you computer AND hide the beer!

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  14. Hopping over for friendly friday blog hopThis is cute! Husbands do cop it.. but we have to deal with it .... I can't wait to read more!

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    1. I knew they were good for something.... Lol!

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  15. Manatee indeed! Duracells? Reading his perspective kinda gives you the unfiltered view of what he thinks you are going through -but the good thing is that he has a sense of humor about it as do you! This too shall pass. As Dennis Miller puts it - any day that I don't find a lump under my arm in the shower is a good day....

    Manatee, that is classic...

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    1. That's fine as long as I'm not the manatee! No lumps, so it must be a good day. Now if I can just find those Duracells....

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  16. Dear Meno Mama:
    In your best interest, so you don't get sued, I'd like to make a suggestion. I recommend that you add to your warning these two items:
    Warning: Do not read this post with any food or drink in your mouth that you do not want plastered all over your computer screen. And you may want to put on your adult diapers for this one.
    From: What's safe to use to clean a computer screen?

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    1. Dear WSTUTCACS: I suggest you use a spit guard computer screen---it catches any and all spewed food and drink. From: Meno Mama's husband (No I did not hack into her computer this time--she GAVE it to me!).

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  17. Thank you for the hilarious blog post... I truly enjoyed reading this... so true, hehehe

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  18. MM, I don't believe there's a man alive who is married to a middle-aged woman who DOESN'T believe in menopause anymore, LOL...

    Also I hope you appreciate the fine man you have who a) Allowed you to write something and blame him for it and b) Permitted you to put up that insane pic at the end (and may even have been cajoled into posing for it ;)

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    1. He actually did write this--or rather, dictate it to me, over a bottle (or two!) of wine. He has a very strange sense of humor, which is why he is the inspiration behind all my blog posts. And as far as the picture goes, oh, I have TONS more where that came from. Yes, my husband makes weird faces all the time, but I have to catch him at the right time to get it. This was taken last year at a Ren-Fest after he had several mugs of ale. He is the real deal--almost always funny---unless he's tired and then he turns into a major grump!

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  19. Oh this was great. I love finding a little humor in our changes. Thanks for making me laugh.

    Irish Carter
    Dedicated2Life.com

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    1. Humor is the only thing that gets us through it!

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  20. Hello MM!

    Thanks for sharing this moment! :)

    It was hilarious indeed! :P
    But quite true too! ^^

    Wish you a very nice Sunday! :)

    Kisses and hugs :)

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  21. Snorting over "manatee in a negligee", and your husband has some perfect advice! Can't wait until he takes over the computer again!

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    1. Yeah, I thought that was pretty clever of him--as long as he wasn't thinking of me!

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  22. Yep Yep, so true, it's all so very true! Except for the husband taking over the computer, he has his and I have mine. But the Menopause stuff, Yep couldn't agree more!

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    1. Just make sure you don't leave your computer lying around....

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  23. This was such a great post! Thank you for making me laugh outloud! What a hoot! I am still laughing. . .BTW You are nominated for the Super Swe-e-e-t Award. Wait just a bit for me to get all nominees posted and hope on over to http://awakenings2012.blogspot.com/ to grab the badge and the 'rules'. . .I can't stop laughing!

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    1. Oh, that is sooo kind of you, Sharla! Thank you VERY MUCH!!! I am honored!

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  24. Hi! I am your newest follower and was hoping that you would stop by my blog and follow me back!

    www.enjoyingtheepiphany.com

    Thanks,
    Sarah

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    1. Thanks for the follow, Sarah! I will certainly check out your blog!

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  25. You've just given women everywhere a nudge/hard push on why the man SHOULD have the remote at his disposal. LOL!

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    1. I agree! Ladies, hand over the remote if you want to keep your sanity (and your privacy!!!).

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  26. ok yo: too funny... love the "chill pills" from the doc. another entertaining read. thanks, slu

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Slu. Now if I could just get my hands on some of those magical chill pills...

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  27. Thanks for the follow, following you back!!!

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  28. hello
    Tirana aduka visit you today.
    Sorry .log time not visit you

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    1. No problem--I'm just glad you made it over for a bit--thanks!

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  29. I have to laugh- these questions / answers had me rolling!

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  30. See, now you're funny to begin with--but to have a funny husband, too? I can just imagine the bedroom antics...ahem.

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    1. Ever hear of roll playing?? Haha! Yes, he is quite the comedian....

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  31. Replies
    1. Glad you thought so--hope you didn't spew coffee or wet your pants while reading it like some of the other readers did! Lol!

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  32. Oh, this is TOO funny! Your husband is a hoot. I'm still laughing at the adult diapers bit. He needs a blog.

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    1. I agree....but then I might get all jealous because I'd probably lose so many of my readers to him. He really is funnier than I am!

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  33. ROTFLOL! So funny! You hubby should start blogging! :)

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  34. "Unless your hot flashes are contributing to melting the polar ice caps, I would start stockpiling ice cubes from the freezer and building your own personal igloo to inhabit for the next 2 years." LOL! Hilarious. As the woman above me mentioned, your husband should consider creating a blog as well.

    Thanks for the follow. Happy to return the favor.

    Reese

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    1. Glad you liked that! My husband has dealt with my hot flash whining for 2 years now. We are both wondering when the heck it will ever end. Thanks for the follow back!

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  35. It's a right of passage for women. But it takes a strong man to endure the ride. Your husband could call his blog Menopausal Madness or Husband of Menopausal Mother – the two of you could banter back and forth, providing links to each other. He has a ready-built audience :)

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    1. Love that---"it takes a strong man to endure the ride". That's brilliant! I also like the way you think--"Menopausal Madness" would be a great blog for him--but he is not disciplined enough to write regularly. I think I 'll just keep tapping into his brain for ideas for my blog!

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  36. Following back from the hop and laughing/cringing at some of the notes from this post. The thing about Taco Bell has me terrified. I'm gluten free/soy free/dairy/egg...pretty much anything good, I can't have it. FML when I get to menopause.

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    1. Wow, you are limited by what you can eat---but hey, the thought of Taco Bell is scary to me, too!

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  37. This is the new blog for janice......I love to see the man's side because it is just so off LOL

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    1. Glad you liked it and thanks for joining my blog!

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  38. Hahaha this is funny too...well we get to see your husband's side or point of view of menopause then right?? too funny! miss ya and take care xoxo!

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  39. Hee Hee :) That was funny! It would be funny to see THEIR replies to his responses :)

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    1. Hey, that's a great idea. Now that he has done this, he is coming up with all sorts of new ideas to contribute to my blog. That could be a good thing or scary.....

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  40. OMGosh hilarious posting. From your hubbies answers he could easily cause a stir if he ever tried to write an advice column on Menopausal Women wouldn't he? :) Definitely loved the Post!

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    1. Yes--I think women would either love him or hate him. I don't want to take that chance....

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  41. Replies
    1. Thanks, Jamie! Nice to see you back here!

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  42. Duracell batteries, hee/hee! Funny hubby!

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  43. this had me laughing so hard!!

    (much appreciated after a day of doctor appointments too i might add...so thank you!)

    i'm excited to be your newest follower from the gfc blog hop!

    happy wednesday to you!
    much love and many blessings!
    xoxo.

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by and joining my site!

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  44. LOl.. your husband sure is very funny!! I just found your blog from Followers to Friends Blog Hop.. New follower :)

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    1. His humor is why I married him! Thanks for the follow!

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  45. Hmm, MM, you better watch out - hubs might start a blog and steal all of your followers. I can see it now:

    "Papa Pausing for Menopausal Mama!"

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    1. Oohhh I like that title!! But I am not going to tell him because he would LOVE to steal my thunder here. Where do you think I get some of my ideas from (his is the REALLY WEIRD humor in some of my past posts)?

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  46. Hi! This post was so funny...I love that your husband snuck on your account and wrote this hilarious post! :) too cute!
    Thanks for stopping by. Happily following.
    To get the music on my site, I went to mixpod.com. You can create your own playlist on there and grab the code for blogger.
    Have a wonderful night
    Xo
    Maria

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    1. Thank you so much for helping me with that--I'd really like to get the music back on my site. And thank you for the follow back!

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  47. way too funny. way.

    Stopping by to say "aloha" from An Aloha Affair and to invite you to join us this week. We are now live and are ready to mingle. I can't wait to see what else you've been up to this week.

    Aloha,
    Nicole
    localsugarhawaii.com

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    1. Yay! I 'll be over to link up right away--love your blog hop!

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  48. I think I like your husband's advice more than mainstream doctors! Loved this! LOL

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    1. Perhaps he should get a degree in counselling?

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  49. Glad to follow your blog and to prepare myself for what is expecting me in the future :)

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Aleksandra
    An Aloha affir co-host

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    1. It's all about preparation for being a crabby, restless, hot-flashy person--warn your family!

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  50. This was great!! and good luck to your husband thinking about doing his own blog a haha!!
    Thank you soo much for the morning laugh!
    -jesika

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    1. I find that he is easier to get along with if I let him live in his own dream world--whether that means owning his own blog or just being able to watch Sports Center 24/7.

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  51. Oh lady,
    I missed reading your post! Good to know you have a man with a wicked sense of humor. Also good to know he's still alive after those answers :) Ask him for me how I might get away with drinking alcohol and NOT bloat up like a balloon..Inquiry minds want to know! ;)

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    1. He said to "stick a pin in it!" Whoa--I'm telling you he needs to get back on meds or else I'm sending him out to the backyard shed to live indefinitely.

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  52. Replies
    1. Glad you liked it and hope you'll be back for more of my craziness!!

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  53. I love the pic of your hubs! So funny! Thanks for linking up with us at the #MTMmixer this week! Happy to have you.

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    1. He looks kinda crazy, huh? Definitely a day without his meds!

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  54. I just found you through The More than Mommies mixer, and I love that this is the first post I read! Laughing so hard!

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    1. That's awesome! He really is stealing my thunder--I'm wondering what to write about next week to claim back my blog!!!

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  55. LOL...Yep, hubby needs the remote back! Love that last picture. Eeeeek!
    New follower from PLI hop (found you because you liked my blog fb fan page first!).
    ~Kim
    2justByou.blogspot.com

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  56. So, so funny! The sort of thing my husband would do if he could use a computer properly - small mercies! Hello from the UK, found you via Friendly Friday, have a lovely weekend x

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    1. If he doesn't know how to use the computer---keep it that way, otherwise nothing will ever be sacred again!

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  57. Too funny! Great laugh for a Saturday morning. Visiting from Friday Chaos. I'm your newest follower!
    Have a great weekend!

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    1. Thanks, Tuula. Glad to start your Saturday off right!

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  58. New GFC, Pinterest and Facebook follower. Glad to find your blog!
    Erin
    http://travelingkidsonthego.blogspot.com/

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    1. Wow! That's the trifecta of following. Thank you so much!!!

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  59. You and your husband, both of you are so funny. I'm sure both of you made a good team together :)

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  60. LOL! A manatee in a negligee...exactly how I feel!!
    Luckily, I too have a Husband with a great sense of humor and he loves his "little" manatee!
    So glad I found your blog through the "Mom's Monday Mingle" blog hop. Am following you every which way I can!!
    Lisa H.
    lisastuf.blogspot.com

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    1. "Little" manatee--that's cute! Thanks for stopping by and following my blog!

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  61. make me lought see the photo..
    Waiting for your comment at all my post..if you have time.thanks

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  62. I am cracking up. I would never have to worry about my husband doing that, though that would be something he would do if he knew how to even get past the loading screen on the pc. Poor guy just figured out how to leave a comment on his facebook and he's had the account for over two years. lol Great post!

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    1. Thank God my husband doesn't have a Facebook account, or else I'd be in some REAL trouble! Haha!

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  63. Priceless! At least you can say he took some interest in what you do...lol!

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  64. Very funny! Not something men really want to think, much less talk about. And I am not looking forward to it...

    Saying 'hi' via "Follow who? Hop" - I am now following your blog :)

    Mine is here ImagesByCW

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    1. Thanks for the follow--I'l be checking out your site next!

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