I adore my WWW guest today! Please welcome Gina Valley from the blog
Gina Valley--The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom. I recently met Gina at the Erma Bombeck 2014 convention and we shared tons of laughs together over dinner. In fact, her sparkling sense of humor had everybody at the table laughing because Gina is THAT FUNNY! I bonded with her immediately and knew after the first five minutes of talking to her that I just had to feature her on my site. She was definitely one of my favorite bloggers to hang out with at the convention, so I know you're going to love this talented writer as much as I do. Please welcome Gina to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!
This Is Not About Having
“You-Know-What”
This is not about
having “You-Know-What.” It’s about not having
“You-Know-What.”
And, how that seems to be more and more
the case after the jewelry exchange takes place.
Why is it when you finally reach a
stage in life where everyone, even God and your mother,
finally thinks it’s OK for you to engage in “fellowship” with
your beloved that that whole part of your relationship suddenly seems
to become Mission Impossible?
Well, much as I wish I could give you
some ideas on what will work well for successfully completing your
fellowship transaction, I can’t.
But, I can tell you some things
that don’t work. Please use this information to
prepare yourself and to take evasive action.
Don’t ask me how I
know, but I know that you will not be able to
complete fellowship successfully in any of the following situations:
If the dog is outside, you will not
be able to successfully have fellowship. He will
undoubtedly hear some strange noise by the trash cans. He will
dash over to the trashcan area, pound on the gate until it opens, and
rush in. At this point he will determine which of the trash
cans he believes to be the source of the offending sound and will
attack it.
Somehow, in a way I have never been
able to understand, the dog will manage to get his left front leg and
his head stuck in the trashcan. This will cause the dog to
panic. He will bark in panic, the loud noise then being
reflected back at him from the bottom of the trashcan will panic him
more, causing him to dash around the backyard on three legs running
into patio furniture, plants, and the other dogs, all the while
making a racket reminiscent of a pack of hyenas attacking an
antelope.
If the dog is in the house, you will
not be able to successfully have fellowship. Apparently,
the noises of fellowship sound somewhat similar to the noises of
distress, causing the ever-vigilant dog to hurl himself through the
air in an effort to protect you from what he is clearly assuming to
be an alien force.
He will chomp down on the most obvious,
first available part of the “alien” in an effort to save the
lady, who provides him with food and a clean blankey. The
“alien” will need 6 stitches and a very soft chair for more than
a week.
If your children are not at
home you will not be able to successfully have fellowship.
Your mother-in-law, who ironically wants you to have more
children, will call to have you settle the argument between her and
your father-in-law about which year they purchased their
refrigerator.
She will call repeatedly, leaving ever
more panicky messages. She knows you work from home, and, since
you’re not answering the phone, she will assume you have fallen and
are lying on the floor in your kitchen with a broken neck, because
you would not buy the non-slip rugs she told you you should get at
IKEA the last time you were there.
If your children are
at home sleeping, you will not be able to successfully have
fellowship. The second you are in the throes of fellowship
you will suddenly become aware of a small silhouette standing in the
doorway to your bedroom saying, “I don’t feel too good, and
Ryan’s tummy hurts, too.” This will cause you to, in one
fluid, ninja-like motion, both grab for your clothes and to race
toward your ill child.
Upon reaching the little darling you
will find yourself unable to stop, as your feet have suddenly begun
to act independently from your body. You will realize, as you
feel yourself entering into
“must-avoid-landing-on-my-child-as-I-am-about-to-crash-onto-the-hardwood-floor”
mood, that you have put both legs into one pant hole in your pajamas,
and, to further complicate matters, your feet have found the puddle
which evidences Ryan’s tummy is, in fact, very upset.
If you are visiting at your spouse’s
nearly -deaf grandparents’ house you will not be able to
successfully have fellowship. In the middle of the
night, just when you have activated the launch sequence while on the
slightly squeaky guest room sofa bed, you will hear his
grandmother in the hall call out to his grandfather, (be sure to read
this in a very heavy, old world accent for maximum
understanding) “Oh dear. I think they are copulating now,”
bringing the countdown to an immediate halt and canceling lift off
for the foreseeable future.
If you are visiting at your mother’s
house you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. You
will realize that there is no lock on the guest room door. So,
realizing that there is a lock on the bathroom door
you will attempt to find an angle of action long enough for the both
of you to interact without damaging limbs or kicking holes into tile.
You are, of course, bound to bump into
the shower at some point. This will cause tiny, nearly
imperceptible vibrations to travel up the sides of the shower and
across the top of the shower doors. The tiny “shower quake”
will cause a precariously balanced bottle of shampoo to tumble down,
its fall being broken by your partner’s face, creating a hard to
explain, yet impressive shiner.
If you think your backyard is a
secluded hide away for fellowship while your kids are visiting your
sister, you will not be able to successfully have
fellowship. Backyard raccoons are a lot bigger, a lot
bolder, and a lot more curious than you would ever think they are.
And, if you throw a shoe at them, not only do they not scamper
away to their treetop home, they catch it, throw it back at
you, and begin to screech so loudly that the neighbors come out
to see what the problem is.
If you attempt to christen your new
van late at night in your dark, tree-lined driveway, you will not be
able to successfully have fellowship. Your neighbor’s
teenage daughter’s boyfriend will pull his car into your driveway
behind your van to attempt to have a bit of fellowship with the
aforementioned neighbor’s daughter.
When he sees you climb out of the van,
it will startle him so much that he will accidentally slip his car
into reverse, causing it to roll down your steep driveway.
Naturally, he will attempt to stop the car by stomping on the brake,
but, as he is a new driver, he will hit the accelerator instead, and
careen across the street at the base of your driveway.
Don’t worry, though, the fire hydrant
in front of your neighbor’s house will stop his car.
And, the resulting fountain will insure that no one needs to water
their yard for a month.
If you lock your bedroom door
because your children are home and awake, you will not be able to
successfully have fellowship. Your 4 year-old will have a
sudden need to tell you about the enormous praying mantis he just
found on the table in the breakfast room.
He will, of course, be unable to open
your locked bedroom door. Then, you will hear a loud thump and
the splitting of wood as the door frame breaks, and your door flies
open. You will recall that this child started pushing the sofa
out of his way as soon as he could walk, as your pint sized Hulk
says,
“Mom, your door was stuck. I fixed it for you.”
My hero.
Or, maybe he’s just defending his
spot as the youngest in the birth order.
Laugh Out Loud!
-gina
Nothing is ever
easy when you’re trying to “you know,” is it? Ever gotten
creative? I’m looking forward to hearing all about it. Shoot
me a comment before someone breaks your door down!
BIO:
Gina Valley is a humorist, who lives in
Los Angeles, California, with her husband & their 7 children, who
provide her with more inspiration than she needs for her blog
Gina
Valley – The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom.
She finds humor in parenting her pack, figuring out marriage,
navigating life, and trying to show up anywhere on time. She loves
to cook, if someone will put the ingredients in those little glass
bowls, & spends much of her time carpooling and inventing new
curse words (at the same time!). She’s not your typical soccer mom,
loves ridiculously high heels, & is addicted to her smart phone.
If she’s out of chocolate, run and hide!
Gina was a featured humor cast member
in Listen to Your Mother – San Francisco 2013. She has served as a
guest host for #DadChat, the largest Chat community on Twitter. Her
work appears widely on the web including at Voiceboks, Dads’ Round
Table, Inspiring Women Magazine, and The Erma Bombeck Writers’
Workshop. Laugh along with Gina on
Facebook,
Twitter,
Pinterest, and
ginavalley.com.
Our youngest is only a year from graduating----between school, work and an active social life, he's seldom home. Since our three older children flew the coop years ago, my husband and I have been enjoying a taste of freedom as "almost" empty nesters. I cook less, nap more and I get to spend unlimited time in the garden. Even better, there are plenty of uninterrupted Cialis moments bringing spontaneity back into our lives. My husband and I are rediscovering each other after thirty years of marriage, and suddenly it's 1984 all over again.
Gone are the days of sharing a leisurely cup of coffee over the morning news. My husband and I now sip our daily elixir while watching Chuggington with our granddaughter sandwiched between us on the couch.
My life has become one long deja vu as I stress about spilled apple juice, gooey tabletops and curious dogs choking on Lego blocks. There are glass rings in the shape of an Olympics symbol on my fine wood furniture and unidentifiable stains that resemble a Rorschach inkblot test on my couch. These mishaps are a sharp reminder of the twenty years I spent with a roll of paper towels in one hand and a spray cleaner in the other.
Extra people in the house also means that my garbage bin looks like Mount Trashmore, the laundry pile is the height of Mount Kilimanjaro and the dirty dishes in the sink are stacked higher than Mount Everest. My home has been transformed into a mountain range.
Other changes include a second refrigerator in our spare bedroom for our daughter's organic groceries. She prefers clean eating. The irony of this is not lost on me since all my children lived by the five second rule whenever food fell on the floor.
