Menopausal Mother

 Who hasn't dreamed of hitting the road after retirement (or if you work remotely) to explore the country? My husband and I have discussed doing just that once we can afford to buy an RV. But I'm a planner, so I'll need to research not only the vehicles but the destinations that we have in mind. This is where the Skiptown All-Stars Podcast comes in handy---the Gordons have already put in the miles and are sharing all the important info with their listeners. Here is one of my favorite episodes (#34) of theirs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Re_EIca_cmA&t=5s  Want more? This is what you'll find when you tune in:

Skiptown All-Stars Podcast

Ever wonder what it’d be like to liquidate your life and hit the road at the tender age of 50? JAMES and DENISE GORDON did just that. After their youngest daughter flew the coop for college, the married couple of 25 years sold everything they owned in Los Angeles, loaded up the minivan, and headed on a cross-country journey in search of their forever home. Their weekly podcast is an adventure like no other. It’s an immersive deep dive into American cities and coastal towns. They take their listeners into every tourist trap, hidden gem, and off-the-beaten-path escapade. All the while, asking the most important question, “Can we live here?” 

It’s not just about skipping town. They’re also breaking down retirement, remote working, real estate, and all the other impending issues Gen Xers and Boomers are facing. Whether you’re looking to check off those bucket-list boxes or want to know the scoop about where to hang up your hat, Skiptown All-Stars Podcast is for you! With thousands of miles under their tires and countless cities visited, they’re quickly becoming known as the wildly amusing Trusted Trip Advisors, appealing to the wanderlust in us all. Episodes are available everywhere you get your podcasts. #empty nest #full tank

 

***You can find the Gordons here: https://skiptownallstars.com/ (plus anywhere you listen to podcasts) or their YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@skiptownallstars 

 

***If you need the audio-only links for the podcast:

 

For Apple users

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/skiptown-all-stars/id1636817938

 

Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/show/0LY5k3G0n03N0pDtO8Zx72?si=c3f9daa1902b4741

 

 

   
     Everyone comes to me for advice. Do I look like Dr. Phil?  I speak my mind but I don't get paid for it. Nor do I have a television show where minions bring me champagne and jars of Nutella in the green room. What I DO have is a husband who wakes me at 2:00 a.m. to show me his penguin imitation and older children who've mysteriously lost their hearing since the age of sixteen.

     For those of you who believe I have some counseling credibility, you probably forgot to take your meds this morning. But here's some advice that you might find useful:

HAPPY MARRIAGE:

*Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Share your deepest thoughts and concerns, even if this means discussing the pros and cons of owning a bidet.

*Be willing to work together as a team---preferably in matching Snuggies---when it comes to parenting, work, household duties or running together in a strap-on kitty relay race.

*Learn to respect each other's individuality. Your husband should appreciate your ability to devour an entire blueberry pie in five minutes….with your hands tied behind your back. And your wife should honor your ability to suck jello shots out of an ice cube tray….also with you hands tied behind your back.

*Be willing to make sacrifices for one another.
  "Honey, I sold my tickets to the hockey game to attend your romance novel book club meeting tonight."
  "Oh no! I just canceled that meeting to beer bumper bowling with you!"

*Argue less. Just admit you're wrong no matter what you're fighting about….then secretly sign your spouse up for every 800 number promotion on TV.

*Laugh more. Find the humor in every situation and learn to laugh it off, no matter how bad it is.
  "Hon, I just lost my wallet with all 25 credit cards inside it. The good news is that the cards were already maxed out and I spent my last ten dollars on a plastic owl weather vane." 



CHILDREN:

Imagine being a juggler walking on the tight rope at the circus and tossing six balls in the air without dropping one. Welcome to parenthood!

Learn to be more flexible, patient and fair with your children. Tell them every day how proud you are of them and that you love them.

Expect years of multitasking and lack of sleep until your little winged gargoyles fly the coop….which may not be until they're thirty. During this time period of your life, there will be plenty of days when you'll understand why some animals eat their young. Smile---you and our partner are in this together.

MONEY: 

Live for the moment and stop wasting time stressing over your finances. While it's important to tuck away some extra cash for a nest egg, beware of the vultures who might swoop down any minute and snatch those eggs. If that happens, you can always get a second job at a chicken hatchery to count REAL nest eggs.

GRAND-PARENTING: 

You're going to feel older than the dirt in King Tut's tomb when the first grandchild arrives. You might also spend an inordinate amount of time recalling your youth when you were faster, thinner and could ride the mechanical bull for a full eight seconds.

Teach your grandchildren life's important lessons (such as the best place to hide their chocolate stash from mom) and embrace the grand-parenting years. This is the only time you'll get to witness karma in action.

HEALTH:

Eat well and exercise regularly. Learn to love kale, even if this means buying more air fresheners for your bathroom. Monitor your cholesterol levels and become familiar with triglycerides. *Is it just me or does that name sound like a punk rock band? "The Triglycerides are performing tonight at Club Blood Pressure."

RETIREMENT:

Once you hit the golden years, you get to look forward to early bird specials at the diner, discounts on movie theatre tickets and free catheter sample packs. Throw your calendars out the window and hop on the party train to Flatulentville where everything is a gas.

     Hopefully if you take my advice, your life will run a little bit smoother. Just remember to laugh when your spouse maxes out the credit cards on pajama jeans and potty wizards ordered from an 800 number in Podunk Poland.



****NEWS FLASH**** Guess who is a new HUFFINGTON POST blogger?! This girl! You can read my debut post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/empty-nest-_b_5378063.html

I also have my weekly post up over Humor Outcasts which you can read here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/queen-of-klutz/


   

     I'm not afraid of aging. I've been looking forward to my retirement years since I was in my thirties juggling four children and working two, part-time jobs. While others bemoan the toll that aging takes on their bodies and their lifestyle, I'm pouring over travel sites and counting down the days until I can pull out of the driveway in a brand spanking new RV.
   
     Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of aging, consider the benefits of the midlife years:


1.  Selective Hearing:  This is a totally acceptable symptom of aging. You remain blissfully ignorant of your spouse's complaints over a dry meatloaf and the rap music blasting from your teenager's room. The only thing you can hear clearly is the ice cream truck.

2.  Weight Gain:  You're okay with a new wardrobe of elastic waistband clothing, even if it comes from  the maternity department…. and you know how to rock an animal print muumuu.

3.  Free Time:  You no longer have young children to shuttle from school to football to band practice. This allows you free time to explore using the Bedazzler on all your furniture now that you've discovered a passion for rhinestone studded sofa covers.

4.  Selective Memory:  You might struggle to remember certain things, but luckily you've forgotten the time you twerked at your cousin's wedding and blew out your knee.

5.  Bone Health:  Your bones might be a little more brittle, but that's okay…. as long as you're not planning on scaling Mount Everest on a Vespa. Just remember to take your calcium supplements.

6.  Fatigue:  Reverting to your kindergarten days by carrying a napping mat to work is completely acceptable at your age. No one will question your need for a midday siesta.

7.  Decreased Vision:  Everything is a little blurrier, which is a blessing since your reflection in the mirror resembles a Photoshopped selfie with nary a wrinkle in sight.

8.  Flatulence:  The fiber supplements you've been taking finally kick in.  If a little gas escapes in a public place, nobody thinks you're rude….especially if you're pushing a walker with tennis balls attached to the bottom.

9.  Car Upgrade:  Goodbye, mommy minivan. Hello, Lexus coupe.

10.  Better Sex:  Sex is stress free. You no longer have to worry about birth control or unexpected pregnancies, especially if you're a menopausal female or a man who has had a vasectomy. There's nothing more fun than sharing seats on the neuter mobile.


     The best part of being a midlifer is that retirement is just around the corner. Gas up the RV, slip into your animal print muumuu and enjoy the ride!