Thursday, June 5, 2014

Advice From A Menopausal Mother

   
     Everyone comes to me for advice. Do I look like Dr. Phil?  I speak my mind but I don't get paid for it. Nor do I have a television show where minions bring me champagne and jars of Nutella in the green room. What I DO have is a husband who wakes me at 2:00 a.m. to show me his penguin imitation and older children who've mysteriously lost their hearing since the age of sixteen.

     For those of you who believe I have some counseling credibility, you probably forgot to take your meds this morning. But here's some advice that you might find useful:

HAPPY MARRIAGE:

*Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Share your deepest thoughts and concerns, even if this means discussing the pros and cons of owning a bidet.

*Be willing to work together as a team---preferably in matching Snuggies---when it comes to parenting, work, household duties or running together in a strap-on kitty relay race.

*Learn to respect each other's individuality. Your husband should appreciate your ability to devour an entire blueberry pie in five minutes….with your hands tied behind your back. And your wife should honor your ability to suck jello shots out of an ice cube tray….also with you hands tied behind your back.

*Be willing to make sacrifices for one another.
  "Honey, I sold my tickets to the hockey game to attend your romance novel book club meeting tonight."
  "Oh no! I just canceled that meeting to beer bumper bowling with you!"

*Argue less. Just admit you're wrong no matter what you're fighting about….then secretly sign your spouse up for every 800 number promotion on TV.

*Laugh more. Find the humor in every situation and learn to laugh it off, no matter how bad it is.
  "Hon, I just lost my wallet with all 25 credit cards inside it. The good news is that the cards were already maxed out and I spent my last ten dollars on a plastic owl weather vane." 



CHILDREN:

Imagine being a juggler walking on the tight rope at the circus and tossing six balls in the air without dropping one. Welcome to parenthood!

Learn to be more flexible, patient and fair with your children. Tell them every day how proud you are of them and that you love them.

Expect years of multitasking and lack of sleep until your little winged gargoyles fly the coop….which may not be until they're thirty. During this time period of your life, there will be plenty of days when you'll understand why some animals eat their young. Smile---you and our partner are in this together.

MONEY

Live for the moment and stop wasting time stressing over your finances. While it's important to tuck away some extra cash for a nest egg, beware of the vultures who might swoop down any minute and snatch those eggs. If that happens, you can always get a second job at a chicken hatchery to count REAL nest eggs.

GRAND-PARENTING

You're going to feel older than the dirt in King Tut's tomb when the first grandchild arrives. You might also spend an inordinate amount of time recalling your youth when you were faster, thinner and could ride the mechanical bull for a full eight seconds.

Teach your grandchildren life's important lessons (such as the best place to hide their chocolate stash from mom) and embrace the grand-parenting years. This is the only time you'll get to witness karma in action.

HEALTH:

Eat well and exercise regularly. Learn to love kale, even if this means buying more air fresheners for your bathroom. Monitor your cholesterol levels and become familiar with triglycerides. *Is it just me or does that name sound like a punk rock band? "The Triglycerides are performing tonight at Club Blood Pressure."

RETIREMENT:

Once you hit the golden years, you get to look forward to early bird specials at the diner, discounts on movie theatre tickets and free catheter sample packs. Throw your calendars out the window and hop on the party train to Flatulentville where everything is a gas.

     Hopefully if you take my advice, your life will run a little bit smoother. Just remember to laugh when your spouse maxes out the credit cards on pajama jeans and potty wizards ordered from an 800 number in Podunk Poland.



****NEWS FLASH**** Guess who is a new HUFFINGTON POST blogger?! This girl! You can read my debut post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/empty-nest-_b_5378063.html

I also have my weekly post up over Humor Outcasts which you can read here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/queen-of-klutz/


   

61 comments:

  1. Well Dr. Phil just yells at you, so you're better there.

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  2. I will take you over Dr Phil any day of the week Marcia... You always make me laugh with the funny analogies...

    I am loving the glama nana stage, karma does come around... Haha

    Also, I like how younger people tell us how things should be, lol.. I just smile and agree and then watch them fall flat. They don't want to know because they think they know... I used to be them... I have learned, so will they.

    Have a great weekend and congratulations on all the places you are being featured, this is awesome :)

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    1. Thanks, Launna! Yeah---that's one of the things that makes me crazy, too----these kids nowadays think they have all the answers….WRONG!

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  3. Such great advice from someone who totally outdoes Dr. Phil. He's a chump in your shadows! :)

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  4. Hi Marsha! Congrats on the Huffington Post gig! They'll never know what hit them my dear :)
    Love your ideas here. Especially about just saying you're wrong. It really does save a lot of time. Even if I am right...hmmm.
    I had to laugh at the 'teaching your grandchildren to hide the chocolate.' My daughter was the WORST at doing that. She would hide treats in her stuffed animals, her pillowcase...I'm sure her own daughters will give her a run for her money. At least I hope so!
    Have a great weekend my famous friend,
    Ceil

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    1. You are too funny, Ceil! Hey, I was a PRO at hiding chocolate in my Sunday school socks and my Barbie doll case!

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  5. Much of your advice I agree with. The one I don't is finances. I believe you should always always have that in the back of your mind. I find more stress in NOT having enough money versus thinking about my financial plan.

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    1. Definitely need a cushion to fall back on in case things fall down around you. I just hate obsessing about it because all it does it depress me and I can't live like that. I need something to look forward to at the end of the day. :)

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  6. Did you say pie? Blueberry pie???

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  7. Marcia, you are my advice guru! But you already know that! And watching Karma in action is so life affirming. Seeing my prayer that they would have a child 'just like them', come true is so . . . okay I'm lost for the word. But it's something marvelous!

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    1. Isn't it an invigorating feeling? Whenever my granddaughter gives my daughter a hard time, I'm secretly snickering in the corner…..but don't tell her I said that!

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  8. All good advice and as always I got a number of chuckles from reading this! You outdo Dr Phil hands down!!!

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    1. LOL thank you, Phyllis! Just ring me up some time if you want advice on anything----I'll bring the wine!

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  10. Dr. Phil doesn't have the wicked sense of humor that you have you you win right there.

    I love how you're able to laugh at all the little crap that so many of us get hung up on. I need to learn to get better at doing that. Sometimes I'm a little too cranky for my own good. But hey, there's always Lexapro! Haha.

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    1. For me it's Prozac, Hahahaha! Here's a secret---I wasn't this fun when I was younger. I was pretty grouchy and negative---just ask my husband. With age comes wisdom and an " I don't give a crap" attitude, which is very freeing! :)

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  11. Congrats on the Huff Post gig! And you have some great advice. :D

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    1. Thanks, Terrye!! Now if only I could make some money at this writing thing…..

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  12. This is wonderful! So much amazing GREAT advice......I love your humor, love and heart!

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    1. Awwwww….so sweet of you to say, Ellen. Thank you---you just made my day! XO

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  13. Dr. Marcia you are much better than Dr. Phil. I'm not sure the man knows the meaning of a joke. Or how to incorporate it into genuine advise. Keep 'em rollin cause we all love it!

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    1. LOL thank you, MMM! I've only seen Dr. Phil in action a few times…he was rather boring. I need the humor to keep me afloat and sane!

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  14. Not quite ready for retirement (his) or grandkids (yikes) but I sure have to agree that wasting a whole lot of time stressing about finances really serves no purpose at all . . . unless you really have your heart set on spending some of that money on blood pressure medication.

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    1. I have a feeling that's where my money will go---even as adults, my kids still drive me crazy with one drama or another…..

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  15. I'll take you over Dr. Phil any day. You're actually starting to convince me that this empty nest/getting older thing might not be so bad after all. So glad I found you!!!!

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    1. So glad you always come by to read my posts! Thank you VERY much, Lana!

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  16. Congratulations on your Huffington gig! Couldn't happen yo a nicer lady. You can't possibly be a grandmother Marcia! You look far too young. How do you maintain that fresh-faced look?

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    1. Laughter is the BEST medicine against aging!

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  17. Have to say you make more sense than Dr Phil, that man can really piss me off at times

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    1. LOL me too, Jo-Anne. He annoys the heck out of me.

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  18. Yey, congratulations on your new gig, the world should be prepared for a great laugh :) . You are such a beautiful Soul :), Great advice.

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    1. Awwww…..thank you so much for the sweet comment, Esther! XO

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  19. You are the best adviser and I just agree with you that life is much smoother when you find humour in every situation the Mister creates and learn to laugh it off even when you know it is the worst..Love your post..

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    1. THank you, Ranita! Humor is the best medicine!

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  20. GREAT post! You definitely deserve that #1 rating for top comedy blog. I can't even remember if we felt old when our first grandchild popped into the world. Now that we have thirteen of them, I take great joy in hearing our kids comment about how "time-consuming" it is to raise kids. (Oh, really? We had no idea...)

    Great piece on Huffington, too. Congrats on the gig. You deserve it.

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    1. WOW!!! 13 granchildren? You're a PRO at it, LOL! Thank you for the kind comments, too. I appreciate the love! XO

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  21. Expect years of multitasking and lack of sleep until your little winged gargoyles fly the coup. True, but they don't leave the coop permanently. They come back home.

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    1. How wel I know…..one of my little gargoyles just moved back home temporarily….with her baby gargoyle. Ack!

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  22. You're a lady of wisdom in my book, Marcia. I believe a Nobel prize for counselling awaits!

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  23. Great post with lots of laughs. Congrats on your Huffington Post gig.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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  24. This is stunningly gorgeous and I relate to it on so many levels.

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  25. Congrats on Huff Post! Must be so excited!

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  26. Excellent tips on a happy marriage, money, health (I happen to like kale) and retirement, all spot on (love your comments below each one, so funny)! Sadly, I didn’t get to have children so the other two won’t apply to me but I can readily tell those are great tips. Love all your photos and the great smiles! I smiled just looking at those photos. :) Congrats on the Huff Post gig, that is so cool!!

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    1. Awwwww….so sweet of you to say, Jersey Lil! Thank you for stopping by!

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  27. With age comes wisdom. Along with the ability to drink a lot more wine in one sitting!

    A lot of what you said here is so true!

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    1. Got that right. Now where's my wine???

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  28. I would just like to point out that with the appropriate tongue action, *anyone* can do twelve Jello shots from an ice cube try in one fell slurp. ;)

    (So I've read, anyway...;)

    And congrats on becoming a regular HuffPost blogger!!! I'm so proud of you!!!

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    1. You need to teach me this new skill, Nicole. I think it would please the Hubs immensely.

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  29. Hilarious! "The only time you'll get to witness karma in action"...love it! And it's true. I don't have grandkids yet (and I hope I don't anytime soon) but I know I will enjoy those days as I am sure my parents and husband's parents are now. Congrats on Huff post - I need to get over there to read it!

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    1. Thanks, Michelle! Being a grandparent sure is different….but fun because you get to send the kids home with the parents when they get cranky!

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  30. Great family wonderful tips thanks for this.
    Menopause is a naturally occurring event in the life of middle aged women. Defined as a state of the uterus no longer producing menstrual flows, such phase happens due to the permanent cessation of the primary functions of the ovaries.

    Learn more here: http://tinyurl.com/mrx52yp

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  31. Congratulations on all your successes, Marcia! I'm so happy for you!

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