Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: Pen Paper Pad

    My multi-talented WWW guest today is the amazing T.A. Woods, who blogs at Pen Paper Pad  and is also a featured writer at Lefty Pop. I met T.A. through a Facebook writer's group and was thrilled to find a kindred spirit who loves and appreciates good poetry as much as I do. I was blown away by T.A's poetry----to the point of getting chills the first time I watched a Vlog of her reading one of her beautiful poems.


     T.A. is also known for her sharp witted humor and is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to the mechanics of writing. She has a big heart and shares the laughter by sprinkling her humor all over social media for the rest of us to enjoy.

     It is such a pleasure to have this talented lady on my site today. Please welcome T.A. with lots of hugs and comment love!




Bachelorette parties age as we do

A haiku to give you a sneak peak:

Parties remind me
Hangovers can kill old ass
Send gingers and naps

This past weekend, my friends and I celebrated one of our best friend’s upcoming nuptials. It was a wonderful weekend, and exactly what we all needed. As I sit here and think about what happened this past weekend and what happened when I was in my 20s at bachelorette parties, I see some distinct differences.

When I was in my 20s and we’d throw bachelorette parties:

Goal: Get as inhumanely wasted as possible. We’re talking one-eyed open, maybe wearing someone else’s clothes by the end of the night schwasted. And here’s how:

Step One: Give the girl a sash and a crown. She’s the princess for the night and everyone should know. Plus there might be a way to get some free drinks out of the deal.

Step One A: Start off by drinking. You are broke, so you probably only have very cheap beer and liquor. It’s ok. It’ll mix well with the swill you’re going to have when you get the watered down drinks at the bar.

Step Two: Give the girl a large penis thing, preferably a lollipop. Don’t worry if she drops it at some point. This is pretty much guaranteed. If you’re a real friend, you won’t let her pick it up. If you’re a friendemy- well, you do you boo boo. I won’t judge you—other than to give you the side-eye if you ever offer me food or drink.

Step Three: Dress like your vagina needs its own air conditioning. This could also help with more drinks. Also, your boobs probably need some air, too. Make sure you’re wearing enough clothing to cover a miniature Chihuahua, because modesty, people. Modesty. Oh and heels. Very tall heels that make you look like spindly leg gazelles---this can help with the drinks.

Step Four: No one is left behind, even the stupid one who gets too wasted and starts dancing on tables. Yank her intoxicated ass down, take a shot on the way out and trudge on.

Step Five: Bar crawl. You are in college, or still living in your college town. You’re going to find the main street that has all the bars on it. And you’re going to EVERY SINGLE ONE. You will loudly proclaim that you’re getting married. You will get free shots and drinks. You will dance like Ariel first learning how to walk on her new legs.

Step Five A: You will woo. You will woo so hard. All the woos.
That cute guy just bought us shots,”
WOO!”
I fell down!”
WOO!”
I think I peed myself!”
WOO!”

Step Six: Make it home. This will be the fuzziest portion of the night. This may involve losing shoes, sketchy cab rides or the friend arm-to-arm linked up, stumbling down the street like drunken sailors. You may pass out at the front of the door before making it inside. It still counts.

Step Seven: Wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. Recount all the great details, giggle a lot and have a lovely breakfast.
(Note: In my 20s, smart phones were a dream, Instagram hadn’t been born yet and YouTube hadn’t debuted. So all of this is from hazy memories.)
Now when you’re comfortably in your 30s and you may have some new things to consider like: kids, ex-husbands, terrible jobs and a sagging jawline, your priorities and steps change.

Here’s how it goes when you’re in your 30s+:

Goal: ESCAPE! Just get me outta here. Both last weekend’s and the party in two weeks are both a few hours away from home for a weekend. (Coincidence? Puh-leaze)

Step One: You have picked women (and sometimes men because it’s the 2000s people) who you hate the least to spend time with you. You’re going somewhere comfy, where you don’t necessarily have to wear high heels and your vagina will be covered. If you wear heels, fine, but that’s on you. The rest of us are in flip flops and sandals.

Step Two: Stock up on food, because we are at the point in life where comforts start on the stove. Throw in some healthy stuff so you won’t feel like a total glutton. Forget to eat the healthy stuff.

Step Three: Drink. You are older and have jobs now, so the drinks will be of better quality, mixed more in mind for tasting delicious rather than drunkenness. There will also be less drinks. We are going to drink like responsible, smart adults. We are not in our 20s anymore. No more wooing.

Step Four: Go to a bar…at 1 in the afternoon where we can listen to free music and then head back to the retreat before nightfall.

Step Four A: Have one friend who brings her badass Doctor Who flask to the bar and make sure she forgets to put it back in her purse. When she is reprimanded by the bar manager, make sure you all laugh at her and make fun. Make sure that friend is me. #Whovian #noshame #IcantbelieveImwritinghashtags

Step Five: Make a bunch of plans to do things…and then spend of your time reminiscing, eating delicious food and drinking. Because plans, schlans, you’re here to relax.

Step Six: Forget about Step Three…oddly enough you still will drink only half as much as you would have in your 20s.

Step Seven: Wake up the next morning feeling like you may have died in your sleep. You are in purgatory, and it lives in your brains and your tummy. Make sure there’s at least one friend who is annoyingly not hungover and also a morning person. Glare at her, or at least try to, but your eyes are so dry that you can’t really close them. Lay on the very comfy couch and moan and groan. Receive no sympathy. Eat comfort food like sausage gravy and biscuits. Drink it with the elixir of the hangover gods, ginger ale. Take a nap.

Step Seven A: Do all of this again, except embarrass yourself in some other way, because you guys booked this joint for the weekend because ESCAPE.

Since this is the updated version of the bachelorette party, there are pictures available. However, I will not post them, because I value my life. Let’s just say, there was a hot tub, a cowboy hat and cupcakes filled with bourbon. Cuz we know how to party.

What differences have you seen in bachelorette parties from your 20s to now? Let me know in the comments. I’m going to lay down now and rest up for round two. Feel free to say a few prayers for me to make it to July.



BIO:

Tamara Woods was raised (fairly happily) in West Virginia, where she began writing poetry at the age of 12. Her first poetry collection is available at http://sakura-publishing.com/product/the-shaping-of-an-angry-black-woman. She has previous experience as a newspaper journalist and uses that while she drops sardonic knowledge at LeftyPop. She has used her writing background to capture emotions and moments in time for anthologies, her blog PenPaperPad and writing articles as a full-time freelance writer. She is a hillbilly hermit in Honolulu living with her Mathmagician.


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47 comments:

  1. Oh those days when we were in our twenties... we had no idea how much harder it was going to be in our 30's, 40's... onward... lol

    I related to so well to what you wrote, especially waking up from a hangover in my 20's, off to work I would go... today I am not sure I could roll out of bed... haha...

    Hence why I rarely drink... have a great day :)

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    1. Yeah me too...Launna...which is why I won't be drinking until the next bachelorette party. **gulp**

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  2. Thank you so much for having me on here Meno Mama! It's nice to get to share some funny bits with your readers...even if I sound like a raging drunkard.

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    1. You sound like MY kind of gal! Next time I want to party with you!

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  3. Too funny! The relaxing escape, comfort food and nap sound amazing! After reading the part about the 20's party, I need to rest. Just from reading it.

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    1. In my 20s, we were all convinced we were bulletproof bottomless pits. In our 30s, we just knew we needed a soft place for sleeping, which was way before dawn. Who knew?! lol

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  4. This is so funny! I can remember both of these happening. Just wait until you hit your 40's, you will all be in bed by 9 p.m.

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    1. I don't doubt it. There's times that 930 is a struggle...but I really want to finish whatever show I'm watching.

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  5. Benn there, survived that!! I don't think I could stand a night out like that now but when I was younger, yep I was invincible and ready to go at a moments notice!!

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    1. Yeah, I'm just ready for a nap at a moment's notice!

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  6. LOL! I have never attended any bachelorette parties (in my 20s or my now 30s) which kinda sucks but I can definitely understand the differences. Drinking in your 20s is all about getting wasted. In your 30s, it's a little less so (or a lot). In your 20s, 6 am was bedtime. In your 30s, it's 10 p.m. or earlier. Ahh. Isn't amazing how life changes?

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    1. Yeah, the body is a weird place to live. It has it's own time schedule, and we have to just conform to it.

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  7. The last bachelorette party I went to was actually my own and we partied like we were in our 20s. I lived. Probably because at that time I was a professional drinker. And since I had a good paying job, I could also afford the good stuff. :D

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    1. Yup we were drinking the good stuff...though that Wild Turkey really was trying to do me in...

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  8. OMG this was hilarious and too relatable! I so miss those days when I woke refreshed and ready to party again. LOVE the Dr. Who flask! Awesome.

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    1. The Dr. Who flask was my gift for being Maid of Honor. How awesome is that?!

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  9. By the time my friends were getting married my crazy days were behind me (not that I ever got that crazy) but I do remember going out and having no care beyond enjoying my night with my friends. Now I have a million things in my head at any given day. Love seeing you over at Miss Marcia's!! Two amazing ladies in the same place, how lucky can a girl get!!

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    1. I feel pretty lucky myself Kathy! The best part for me was sitting on the deck, looking at the skyline, breathing the fresh air with my closest friends. This was also before we had drank anything too. lol

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  10. Your bachelorette parties sound freaking awesome, well all except the giant penis thingy, if I dress in drag can I come to the next one?

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    1. We had a boy at this one. He's super gay, but still a boy. So...maybe? :P

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  11. Having got married in my 30s I had 2 events as I moved from one city to another cross country. The first I was paraded fully dressed in the middle of the afternoon down the gay neighbourhood in town while having pictures taken of me. Finished at the beach, walked back, ate and drank and shared stories all evening.
    The second I planned: A spa day for the ladies. Massage with oils, waters and steam rooms, and a sumptuous dinner with a few of my best gals. Highly recommend this one.

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    1. That second one sound ab-so-lute-ly dee-lightful. The first one...I think that would've been awesome, if surrounded by drag queens.

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  12. Now I feel so deprived because I never went to one! I never even had my own bachelorette party before my wedding! :/

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    1. Did you have a quiet dinner with a best friend? That counts. Also, I've never been above creating a reason to have a party. I would be shamelessly having a post-bachelorette party. :D

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  13. Bwahahaha! Only been to one bachelorette in my life and it was in my fifties! Needless to say, I was a little surprised by the penis-shaped everything. And by the male stripper. But I hid my too-easily-red face in the back, getting a manicure, so all was well! :-)

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    1. The penis shaped everything can be a little daunting. I went to one last year and all the snacks were penis shaped. I ate them anyway...though the cupcakes with the cream was a little much. I also embarrassed myself that night, but I'll save that for another time.

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  14. Ah to be young again, lol! I really enjoyed reading the story of the bachelorette party for the 30 somethings....I'm sure mine will be similar. We work full-time and are always tired these days, so the escape and delicious cocktails will be needed!

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    1. Seriously, the small escape is where it's at.

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  15. Oh my sweet lord I can relate to this! soooo funny. I remember getting day-drunk, and then going to my nightshift of waiting tables, where my hangover would set in nicely while I was serving people. What do you do? You drink more, of course! ohhh it's a miracle I survived my 20's.

    Nowadays? Two glasses of wine and I'm asleep on the couch at 8:00.

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    1. Yup, I buy a bottle of wine, lay on the couch with my good book and I'm napping before I'm a chapter in.

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  16. No, no, no Tamara, please don't make me laugh so hard! I'm on a heavy period and I can feel it...oh...too late.

    I thought this was absolutely hilarious and I adore your style of writing!

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    1. Why thank you Lily, I'm oddly pleased that you're gushing from laughter.

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  17. Sometimes I wonder how did I come to be 51 with 3 grown daughters and 4 grandchildren, really where did all the years go

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    1. You must have so many gorgeous memories to bask in. I bet you did some blush worthy things in your day Jo-Anne.

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  18. I probably won't come as a surprise but I've never been to a bachelorette party. My loss I'm sure.

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    1. Stephen, it's an experience that can't be matched. On the other hand, I've never been to a bachelor party. I need the inside scoop.

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  19. Oh the age, it messes with our brains and the body too :D I totally enjoyed reading your post.

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    1. Thanks Rajlakshmi! It's true, age reminds us to enjoy the slower pace. Only a little slower today.

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  20. What a difference age makes. I've never been to a Bachelorette party, but this was a great juxtaposition. Funny post!

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    1. Thanks Mis Anthropy! It's definitely an experience.

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  21. This is all so true! I love, "Give her a penis thing." It doesn't matter what kind of a thing it is--just any penis thing will do! Haha

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    1. Candy cane, Popsicle, straw...probably not a real penis, well unless it's that kind of party. 0.0

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  22. This is Really Nice and Helpful Post also This is Really Great Blog. Thank you very much for Sharing With us this Valuable Pot. Keep up it.

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  23. *dies laughing* This is simply BRILLIANT, Tamara. I love it. And I think this - "Dress like your vagina needs its own air conditioning" - might be the funniest line I've read all week. You just made my morning :D

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    1. Excellent! I mean, sure it's probably more eco-friendly rather than using actual air conditioning, but...yeah...maybe just a bit too much.

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  24. HiL-lA-Rious!!! what a riot you are! love the haiku's! I can never get that down, you flow with the best of them!

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    1. Thank you Donna! Writing the haiku made me giggle.

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