I'm not afraid of aging. I've been looking forward to my retirement years since I was in my thirties juggling four children and working two, part-time jobs. While others bemoan the toll that aging takes on their bodies and their lifestyle, I'm pouring over travel sites and counting down the days until I can pull out of the driveway in a brand spanking new RV.Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of aging, consider the benefits of the midlife years:
1. Selective Hearing: This is a totally acceptable symptom of aging. You remain blissfully ignorant of your spouse's complaints over a dry meatloaf and the rap music blasting from your teenager's room. The only thing you can hear clearly is the ice cream truck.
2. Weight Gain: You're okay with a new wardrobe of elastic waistband clothing, even if it comes from the maternity department…. and you know how to rock an animal print muumuu.
3. Free Time: You no longer have young children to shuttle from school to football to band practice. This allows you free time to explore using the Bedazzler on all your furniture now that you've discovered a passion for rhinestone studded sofa covers.
4. Selective Memory: You might struggle to remember certain things, but luckily you've forgotten the time you twerked at your cousin's wedding and blew out your knee.5. Bone Health: Your bones might be a little more brittle, but that's okay…. as long as you're not planning on scaling Mount Everest on a Vespa. Just remember to take your calcium supplements.
6. Fatigue: Reverting to your kindergarten days by carrying a napping mat to work is completely acceptable at your age. No one will question your need for a midday siesta.
7. Decreased Vision: Everything is a little blurrier, which is a blessing since your reflection in the mirror resembles a Photoshopped selfie with nary a wrinkle in sight.
8. Flatulence: The fiber supplements you've been taking finally kick in. If a little gas escapes in a public place, nobody thinks you're rude….especially if you're pushing a walker with tennis balls attached to the bottom.
9. Car Upgrade: Goodbye, mommy minivan. Hello, Lexus coupe.
10. Better Sex: Sex is stress free. You no longer have to worry about birth control or unexpected pregnancies, especially if you're a menopausal female or a man who has had a vasectomy. There's nothing more fun than sharing seats on the neuter mobile.
The best part of being a midlifer is that retirement is just around the corner. Gas up the RV, slip into your animal print muumuu and enjoy the ride!
*****You can find more Meno Mama this week over at Humor Outcasts where I have a new post up: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/on-the-road-again-3/
I agree, aging isn't nearly as bad as people think... of course you brought out the hilarious parts. I like that I am comfortable with myself and I don't care what people think of my body or me... that is extremely liberating...
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a fabulous weekend Marcia...
(I have a date... I will tell you more later :)
Ohhhhh I am dying to hear the details!! PLEASE let me know how it goes!!!
DeleteLove this! Selective memory has gotten me into trouble with three teens, though (so I write things down now that I've agreed to during happy hour!)
ReplyDeleteAnd I soooo want to RV-escape too! Where will be your first "full hook-up" (sorry, couldn't resist the camping pun!)???
Hahahaha!! We dream of starting from our home in South Florida and just heading north, state by state. What we'd really like to do is stop at all the diners that Guy Fieri visited and keep a log of the recommended foods, etc. But I fear we will gain 20 pounds by the end of each trip…..
DeleteThe older I get, the more tired I become. I definitely need naps! Hilarious list!
ReplyDeleteI find myself yawning every day after lunch---that's when it really hits me!
DeleteTruly hilarious..I found the 7th one the funniest because I myself is facing it..a lovely post like always..
ReplyDeleteYes! It's a blessing for me not to be able to see what my face REALLY looks like in the mirror when I first wake up!
DeleteI am looking forward to #9! I will miss the minivan though for all its storage capacity!
ReplyDeleteThat's the down side to it---we took a trip recently and I had a really hard time loading everything into our smaller car.
DeleteIt's refreshing to read something that doesn't bemoan aging and in fact celebrates it! Me, too.
ReplyDeleteCheers to the midlife ladies! We ROCK!
DeleteBwahahaha. Love that pic of your hubby holding the neuter mobile sign.
ReplyDeleteMy husband will be 47 in July so that mofo is already hitting midlife. He farts in public and doesn't care what anyone thinks.
Kids? Nope. We tried for a few years, eventually realized we kinda like being childfree (though baby fever does still kick in from time to time), and now enjoy being sans kids. It makes being lazy on the balcony a whole lot easier. Plus, we have no one to answer to if we decide to get drunk. Haha. Life is good. Most of the time. Sort of.
The freedom is wonderful----you can pick up and go explore the country whenever you want without being tied down. I love your Fb statuses and photos of all the places you two go!
DeleteI am right behind you in my RV can't wait! Marcia you absolutely crack me up, yours is the first blog I read in the morning. I just love to start of with a smile, laugh or sometimes having to back and change pants (OOPS) did I really say that!
ReplyDeleteYou are AWESOME Rena!! Thank you so much for all the support----I really appreciate it. Okay now, go change those pants….
DeleteBest talented creative writer I have ever read. This blog was just another example of your endless incredible ability as a writer.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the kind words, Daniel! You just made my day!
DeleteI always love your post! I know you get this from every reader. But then, can't help telling you again.
ReplyDeleteYou are so sweet! Thank you for stopping by again, Nivedita!
DeleteYou always make me laugh - so glad I've found your blog - it makes me happy! And I can relate to everything you say. The pics of your hubby are a special bonus. Not sure about #10 though - the teens are still in the house, and now they know what we're doing - can't pass it off as "mommy and daddy's wrestle time" anymore :) Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteLOL "Mommy and Daddy wrestle time" I LOVE THAT!!!! Thanks for stopping by again, Lana. I love seeing you here! XO
ReplyDeleteYes! Where do I sign? I'm too impatient, I'm going to start adding a few years to my age every year :)
ReplyDeleteIt's a lot of fun, except for the weight gain part. I miss sexy clothes…..
DeleteI am SO looking forward to that napping mat thing! In fact the majority of those points I can relate to right about now. Well, except maybe that dry meatloaf thing!
ReplyDeleteLet's hope not! I'm betting you have a fab meatloaf recipe!
DeleteHilarious! Thanks for sharing. I suffer from #7 Decreased Vision. It's a great excuse to just not read things at all. Thus, saving time by not having to drag out the "readers!"
ReplyDeleteYou have to be careful when you're trying to read a menu at a restaurant without glasses. You might think you ordered crab but end up with squab…..
DeletePeople say to me, "Don't you wish you had hair?" and I say, "Hell no. I save a TON not having to buy hair care products." Granted, I have to shave off what's left, but at least I don't have to spend 30 minutes styling it or blow-drying it or worrying about bad-hair days. EVERY day is a no-hair day. :)
ReplyDeleteMy Hubs is losing his, too. I just laugh when he buys hairspray. I'm thinking, "What's the point????"
DeleteMarcia, my best friends dad always had trouble hearing in both his ears. Finally when we were 18 he relented and got two hearing aids. Fast forward a few months and he is telling me how much he loved them because he could just turn them off and not have to hear his wife! He was a character!!
ReplyDeleteSounds like something I would do!!!
DeleteI'm a man so I've had selective hearing ever since I was born. Fun post.
ReplyDeleteYep. All men do! Glad you liked the post!
DeleteThere is nothing better to end the day with, than a naked man, some chains, several dwarves wearing only bow-ties and a vat of vaseline...oh and reading a meno mama's top ten.
ReplyDeleteAnd how much do I LOVE your hubby!
Hahahaha you lead an interesting life, my friend. Next time, I'm coming over to your house for the party!
DeleteI like being this age...You do make it sound like it's something to aspire to, not something to dread, not many people can do that. Funny stuff!
ReplyDeleteIt IS something fun to aspire to! Thanks for reading, Phyllis! <3
DeleteTerrific post! And I agree with every giggle-worthy part of it. We've been retired for almost thirteen years now, and it is fabulous. Life is good, even with the snap-crackle-pop joints and high-fiber flatulence.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait!
DeleteI guess if you put it that way, then I agree! It's a sense of freedom, isn't it? Not worrying so much about what others think and not worrying about giving anyone excuses. Ahhhhhhh! Ok, I'm going traveling with you - it's settled! :)
ReplyDeleteI'll get the RV ready and bring out the matching muumuus!
DeleteI'm still laughing at the Vespa joke. Very funny. Thanks for the smiles!
ReplyDeleteGlad you bot a smile out of it. Thanks!
DeleteI relate to a good number of these, but not the transporting kiddos to events. We decided to have baby #4 instead of working on retirement. A sound decision we still love that has our friends and family still asking if we are CRAZY!! I transported to swimming yesterday, and have t-ball this morning. ;)
ReplyDeleteWow! How do you keep up with it all? A lot of coffee????
DeleteGetting old, what's that? I intend to stay 25 forever (it's worked for the last 23 years, don't knock it)
ReplyDeleteI'm with you! My body screams MIDLIFE!!!! But my brain is still stuck back in 1984!
DeleteWell, that is one really optimistic way of looking at it! Especially #10! Sex!
ReplyDeleteAhhhh yes, now how did I just KNOW that #10 would be your favorite, Phil???
DeleteNeuter-mobile! Bwahahahaha! Now I'm rocking the midlife years! I would add one more. Sleeping through movies your husby insisted on starting...
ReplyDeleteHey yeah, that's a good one. Sadly, it's usually the other way around here. I put on the DVD and he's snoring within 10 minutes……humph!
Delete#2 cracked me up! The Maternity Dept! Never thought of that! Might have to give it a whirl! As for #10...God is punishing me because menopause has caused me to dry up like the Sahara........he is punishing me for when I was in my 20s (and slutty), laughing at women who experienced the same thing!
ReplyDeleteGirl….I am soooo with you on the Sahara Desert thing….and the other stuff, too, hehehehe!
DeleteI keep telling Tim I am midlife now he says no I have reached the top of the hill and it is all downhill into old age now, bugga that I am only 51 oh and I have bought clothes from the maternity dept since sometimes they have the best fit for this short fat middle aged woman.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE their jeans----that comfy panel in front---kind of like all my yoga pants, hahahaha!
DeleteI so so so needed this reminder tonight - thank YOU! I love it. The selective hearing and elastic waistbands being okie dokie were my salve to the wounds I've been nursing recently. LOVE! You're awesome and hilarious!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kristi! Maybe we should go clothes shopping together….in the maternity department!
DeleteHi Marcia! Let's hear it for selective hearing! My husband is constantly telling me that I don't tell him stuff about the kids when I know I did. Well, maybe it's selective remembering? Either way, it's happening baby!
ReplyDeleteLove your attitude about clothes shopping too. I'm not going to rock the young stuff anymore, but hey, those maternity fashions are pretty nice! (Thank goodness it isn't "Baby on Board" with a huge arrow pointing to my feet anymore.)
Loved this one!
Ceil
Oh wow, I remember those Baby On Board signs! Up until a few years ago, people used to ask me if I was pregnant!!! Rather than be insulted, I was flattered that they thought I was young enough to even BE pregnant!
DeleteOMGGGGGosh,
ReplyDeleteyou are HILAREOUS!
I'm peeing my Victoria Secret Underwear!
PS, how the hell do you get your hubby to participate in those fab photos? x
He really is a good sport….and copious amounts of wine may have been involved…...
DeleteYour blog just described my life! lol, thanks for a great reminder that middle age ain't so bad!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by! Embrace it---enjoy it! :)
DeleteOther than a FEW of the physical things..I couldn't agree more. I am so digging the aging process. I even made the decision to go ahead and go gray..something I swore I would never do. And I don't hate it!
ReplyDeleteI'll bet your hair looks awesome---some ladies wear their gray well. Sadly, I am not one of them. Mine is a very dull grey.
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