If you were a fly on the wall in my house this month, this is what you would have heard:
"I just plunged the toilet. Who wants to lick the black lollipop?"
"If you don't stop singing "Livin' la Vida Loca" in my ear while I'm trying to sleep, I'm going to smother you with my pillow."
"He has an intestine longer than I-95….which explains why his poop is the size of a nuclear sub.""You told me this spray tan in a can stuff works. So how come I look like a patchwork quilt?"
"Didn't you read the directions? You're supposed to spray it from 6 feet away."
"How is that humanly possible? My arms aren't 6 feet long!"
"You have the memory cells of a gnat."
"I can't sleep with you and the pugs. You sound like dueling snorers."
"I'm not eating possum meatloaf. I know we're broke but we're not THAT broke!"
"I can't drink Celsius on road trips without making a ton of pit stops. That stuff goes straight from my mouth to my urethra."
"The family that gets pink eye together stays together."
"We have to….we've been quarantined."
"I feel so fat that I could tuck my feet into my butt and roll into the room."
"You know you've had too much to drink when you accidentally pour your cereal into the dog's bowl and add milk.""Don't ever use menthol lube unless you want a campfire in your pants. My nether region feels like it has third degree burns."
"Why is our granddaughter locking herself in the dog crate?"
"Unless she starts barking or lifting her leg on the furniture, I'm cool with it."
The refrigerator is so packed that I'm afraid if I pull anything out, I'll cause a food-alanche. "
"When is the last time you washed the minivan? There are cobwebs all over the back."
"Leave them there. People will think I'm driving Spiderman's car."
"No, they'll just think you're a grumpy old man driving a dirty, outdated, mommy mobile."
"His gas clouds are so bad they singe my nose hairs.""What do you expect from a kid who leaves the bathroom smelling like butt road kill?"
"You're going to tell your mother that I'm the one who came up with all that gross stuff in your last blog post, aren't you?"
"Of course. I don't want to shatter the illusion of being the perfect daughter. I'd rather she believe that all the grossness comes from the shallow end of your gene pool."
"At least mine doesn't empty out into the raw sewage plant."
Congratulations! You survived another edition of Fly On The wall. Just be sure to check the shower drain tonight for hair clogs.
***WHERE YOU CAN FIND MORE MENOPAUSAL MOTHER FEATURES THIS WEEK: "One Size Fits None" on the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop http://humorwriters.org/2014/05/21/one-size-fits-none/
"Father's Day Fails" at Humor Outcasts http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/fathers-day-fails/
PLEASE BE SURE TO VISIT THESE AWESOME BLOGGERS PARTICIPATING IN TODAY'S GROUP POSTING!
http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado
http://www.therowdybaker.com The Rowdy Baker
http://www.justalittlenutty.com/ Just A Little Nutty
http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade
http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl
http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools
http://batteredhope.blogspot.com Battered Hope
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius
http://www.menopausalmom.com/ Menopausal Mother
http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://sorrykidblog.com/ Sorry kid, your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others
Life at your place IS wacky!
ReplyDeleteNever a dull day!
DeleteAin't that the truth about pink eye? And it was such so persistant and virile this year, wasn't it? My favorite part of this, I have to say, is how happy you look with your son. You always have that look in your eye. Adorable. Thanks for sharing. Don't lick black lollipops.
ReplyDeleteI feel very lucky to have my oldest son here in town because I know he won't be here much longer---he likes to travel and wants to move pretty far from here so I'm grabbing every moment I can. :)
DeleteUrethra--I always wondered what it's called!! Thanks.
ReplyDeleteNow ya know!
DeleteI smell sitcom.
ReplyDeleteLOL I've been told that before…..hey, Hubs is unemployed….maybe I should contact ABC? Hahahaha!
Deletehahaha campfire in your pants! Worst S'mores ever. I love the "I'm not eating possum meatloaf. I know we're broke but we're not THAT broke!" That is my TOTAL opinion of Spam and baked beans from a can. I told my husband the only way I'm eating those is around a garbage can fire!
ReplyDelete(Because we'd have to be homeless)
I LOVE the comments you leave me, Joy!!! You always crack me up. I swear I could write a funny blog post just on the combination of all your hilarious responses! XO
DeleteSpray tan in a can lays turns you onto a patchwork quilt.... That is the truth about pink eye. Your family is. Riot and your daughters are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm still trying to erase all the orange squares off my body…..
ReplyDeleteHeehee! Black lollipop . . . I love your family!
ReplyDeleteWe're a crazy bunch but a FUN bunch!
DeleteOMG!!! DYING laughing here!!!!!!! There's so much great stuff that I can't decide what to comment one!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're right! I think we would definitely fit in at your place! LOL
I keep telling you to plan your summer vacation here….. I'll start up the blender full of margaritas as soon as you give me the word!
DeleteI've come up with a whole new thing, I think I'll call it laughgagging. I couldn't help laughing through the post, but I wasn't quite done gagging at the black lollipop.
ReplyDeleteI think you just made up my favorite new word: Laughgagging. Perfect! XO
DeleteThis is so awesome!! Truer word have never been spoken about pink eye! I love the spiderman line too!!
ReplyDeleteFYI- Your skin is lovely, Marcia!
DeleteThank you so much---that is a HUGE compliment coming from you since you have such a gorgeous complexion! XO
DeleteI'm so jealous. I've got nothin', nothin', NOTHIN' that compares to this stuff. I think my fridge must look like yours - except your food might be edible. All the stuff packed into mine is there because I don't want to handle it...eeeeuw.
ReplyDeleteI have that kind of junk waaaay in the back too. The worst is the vegetable drawer…there are black slimy things in there and I. Just. Can't.
DeleteYes you do! You know how much I shy away from that vid-chat stuff but this podcast station set me up nicely so….somehow I got through it without even a sip of wine! NERVOUS!!!!
ReplyDeleteI think I love your family... We would get along well! It's not a family dinner in our house until the talk turns to poop somehow. Love the pics too. Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteSometimes my Hubs gags a bit when we talk about gross stuff at the dinner table but that has never bothered me. I can be gross with the best of them, hahaha!
Delete"We have to...we've been quarantined." I always love them all, but that one really got me. And did someone seriously pour their cereal into the dog bowl? Not that I'm judging; I once pissed in a laundry basket after I'd had too much to drink. I wrote about it once, but I'm not sure I was finished with that fun story, so I wrote about it again with more dialogue. I'll have to post it one of these days...ANYHOO! Great post, as usual!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Shay! PLEASE write your story--I'm DYING to hear it!!!
DeleteSo many WTFT moments at your house. I love it!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha!!! We know how to have some fun!
DeleteMust do pelvic floor exercises before reading your posts, because I swear I just peed a little. Especially at lines like, "I feel so fat that I could tuck my feet into my butt and roll into the room."
ReplyDeleteYou never EVER fail to make me laugh.
I might have to start the pelvic floor exercises with you because I have the same problem---especially when the hubs lets me take gross pictures like this of him!
DeleteYou should adopt me. I think I'd make a good fit in your family. As long as your hubs could deal with me flirting with you all the time!
ReplyDeleteI think you would end up being his best friend cuz you two would talk beer all night long. But oh yeah, I love to flirt, so any time, Phil...
DeleteAs usual, that's my adopted family!! You guys are so awesome!
ReplyDeleteYOU are awesome! I loved meeting you and I truly hope we get to meet up again soon!
DeleteThey are all funny Marcia as usual, I love this one.. I chucked because it's true darn it.. haha
ReplyDelete"The family that gets pink eye together stays together."
"We have to….we've been quarantined."
Had this 3 times when Valentina was little... I wanted quarantine the daycare.. :)
Isn't it the worst? When I had it, I had to throw out a fortune in makeup. GRRRRR!
DeleteI bet your house is so much fun! You guys crack me up.
ReplyDeleteNEVER a dull moment at the Doyle's house…..
DeleteIt's been a while since I lived with a menopausal woman but some of this does bring back memories.
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha! My poor husband as been living with it for years!
DeleteLoving you and Spiderman.
ReplyDeleteLOL thanks, Shelley!
DeleteThere's no shortage of comedy at your house. :) And it's a long weekend, woohoo! Hope you get to spend it together with the fam. :)
ReplyDeleteI sure am! Got my daughter coming onto town with my grand baby! Fun times for sure!
DeleteDo you have room for one more in your crazy fun home? My 20 year old son would absolutely love living there. Anything bathroom related is his thing!! Thanks for the laugh! :)
ReplyDeleteOhhh then he would fit in just fine here!
DeleteOne drawback to living alone is there aren't very many good quotes in my household. Because one of us is fairly mute - well, incapable of speaking English is a better way of putting it - leaving just me for the closest thing to a bon mot this week: "No! You are not making a mess on the bed! No! NO! GET OFF THE DAMN BED!!!" Unfortunately, I was not talking to George Clooney...it was the cat making his hork-hork-HORKHORKHORK noise that signifies, "I'm gonna throw up, Mama! Please alert the media!"
ReplyDeleteI used to have a cat---the hairballs….ugh!
DeleteMarcia! These ALWAYS make me want to come live at your house! Quarantined and all! HAHAH, so funny. Spiderman is cool, but I don't think he would drive a minivan. Maybe, though. ;)
ReplyDeleteMaybe Spiderman's Grandpa would? Hehehehee!!!
DeleteIt's nice to know our family isn't the only one that talks like that. When our kids were growing up, the conversations we had around the dinner table were not for the weak-stomached. (But we had FUN!)
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome! When I was growing up, we weren't allowed to talk about anything "unappetizing" at the dinner table. Maybe that's why now I'm not afraid to let my freak flag fly!
DeleteCreativity unmatched. Marcia, You are in league of your own.
ReplyDeleteThat is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you, Daniel!!!
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