If you were a fly on the wall in my house this month, this is what you would have heard:
"I just plunged the toilet. Who wants to lick the black lollipop?"
"If you don't stop singing "Livin' la Vida Loca" in my ear while I'm trying to sleep, I'm going to smother you with my pillow."
"He has an intestine longer than I-95….which explains why his poop is the size of a nuclear sub."
"You told me this spray tan in a can stuff works. So how come I look like a patchwork quilt?"
"Didn't you read the directions? You're supposed to spray it from 6 feet away."
"How is that humanly possible? My arms aren't 6 feet long!"
"You have the memory cells of a gnat."
"I can't sleep with you and the pugs. You sound like dueling snorers."
"I'm not eating possum meatloaf. I know we're broke but we're not THAT broke!"
"I can't drink Celsius on road trips without making a ton of pit stops. That stuff goes straight from my mouth to my urethra."
"The family that gets pink eye together stays together."
"We have to….we've been quarantined."
"I feel so fat that I could tuck my feet into my butt and roll into the room."
"You know you've had too much to drink when you accidentally pour your cereal into the dog's bowl and add milk."
"Don't ever use menthol lube unless you want a campfire in your pants. My nether region feels like it has third degree burns."
"Why is our granddaughter locking herself in the dog crate?"
"Unless she starts barking or lifting her leg on the furniture, I'm cool with it."
The refrigerator is so packed that I'm afraid if I pull anything out, I'll cause a food-alanche. "
"When is the last time you washed the minivan? There are cobwebs all over the back."
"Leave them there. People will think I'm driving Spiderman's car."
"No, they'll just think you're a grumpy old man driving a dirty, outdated, mommy mobile."
"His gas clouds are so bad they singe my nose hairs."
"What do you expect from a kid who leaves the bathroom smelling like butt road kill?"
"You're going to tell your mother that I'm the one who came up with all that gross stuff in your last blog post, aren't you?"
"Of course. I don't want to shatter the illusion of being the perfect daughter. I'd rather she believe that all the grossness comes from the shallow end of your gene pool."
"At least mine doesn't empty out into the raw sewage plant."
Congratulations! You survived another edition of Fly On The wall. Just be sure to check the shower drain tonight for hair clogs.
***WHERE YOU CAN FIND MORE MENOPAUSAL MOTHER FEATURES THIS WEEK: "One Size Fits None" on the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop http://humorwriters.org/2014/05/21/one-size-fits-none/
"Father's Day Fails" at Humor Outcasts http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/fathers-day-fails/
PLEASE BE SURE TO VISIT THESE AWESOME BLOGGERS PARTICIPATING IN TODAY'S GROUP POSTING!
http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado
http://www.therowdybaker.com The Rowdy Baker
http://www.justalittlenutty.com/ Just A Little Nutty
http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade
http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl
http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools
http://batteredhope.blogspot.com Battered Hope
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius
http://www.menopausalmom.com/ Menopausal Mother
http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://sorrykidblog.com/ Sorry kid, your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others