Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: Her Royal Thighness

     I just love, love, LOVE today's WWW guest, Parri Sontag of Her Royal Thighness! I was drawn to Parri's blog by its clever name and was immediately captivated by her humor. I was also fortunate enough to meet this funny lady at ERMA 2014. Parri was the very first person to welcome me to the convention. Believe it or not, I'm pretty shy at big gatherings but Parri walked right up, introduced herself and made me feel right at home. She's that kind of woman----bubbly, friendly and kind….and one of the funniest bloggers I have ever met!

     Parri was recently chosen as a BlogHer VOTY 2104 award winner and will be speaking at the BlogHer conference this year. I wish more than anything I could be there to hear her, because I just know she's going to have everyone in stitches (and probably peeing their pants).

     Please welcome this hilariously funny lady to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!




The Man Who Knows His Way to My Heart

By Parri Sontag (Her Royal Thighness)

Last weekend my husband came into the bedroom at 8:30 a.m. to nudge me awake. He looked at me with his bedroom brown eyes in a way that told me he was feeling frisky. Reaching for me with that secret smile on his face, he knew exactly how to get me going on a Sunday morning.

Parri,” he whispered. “There’s an estate sale on Craigslist.”
An estate sale?” I sprung to life. “Where?” Suddenly I was as alert as if I’d had three venti espressos.
Palmetto and Gomez.”
Come on. Someone’s getting our deals!”

I hopped in the shower, scrubbed up and was out in two minutes flat. With no time to waste, I stuck my hair in a headband, grabbed a diet Dr. Pepper and raced out the door, ready for the thrill of the find.

We hadn’t been bargain hunting in a long time. When we lived in Michigan, we had a 2300-square-foot home with a full finished basement and a two-car garage. In Tampa we’ve downsized to a 1400-square-foot bungalow, with no basement, no garage and very little storage space.

My husband always complains that our shoebox-sized closets are booby-trapped – that he needs a hard hat to open the doors. The last thing on earth he wants is for me to bring more junk into the house. But this sale was his suggestion. So who was I to argue?

(I’d like to personally thank the A&E network, because on the day before, there was nothing on TV by Storage Wars, where people bid on abandoned storage units to see what valuables they find inside. The stars were aligned, and my husband caught the bug to hunt for treasure. Had it been a marathon of Hoarders, Sunday would have been a day when he made me pare down my totebag collection, while lecturing me that I’m one step away from saving my toenails in a coffee can.)

Anyway, once upon a time, Jim and I used to hit garage sales all the time, hunting for items that we’d turn around and list on ebay for a good-sized profit. There was the Davy Jones: My Life as a Monkee paperback that we bought for 10 cents and sold for fifty bucks and the Elvis Presley button that we bought for 50 cents and sold for $75. That was almost 20 years ago – back in the ebay heyday, before the site went public and became popular.

Today people check ebay before pricing things at their garage sales, so it’s gotten exceedingly hard to turn a profit. There’s so much competition, items don’t always bring the high prices they used to back in the days when there were lucrative bidding wars on a single Beatles bobblehead or BeeGees lunchbox.

Still, in the wake of closing our business last summer, any extra cash is a good thing, so we headed to the estate sale, with high hopes. We waited an hour for the door to open, figuring the family was running late, but a neighbor finally told us the sale had been the day before. Just my luck, after a seven-year moratorium on buying other people’s junk, my husband was finally in the mood for a bargain, and there was a misprint in the ad. Dejected and hope shattered, I got back in the car.

Knowing how disappointed I was, Jim swung by The Salvation Army on the way home. And as luck would have it, they were having a blowout sale. All furniture and electronics were 50 percent off, and the doors had just opened. I raced around and found an antique armoir for a song. There was a sold tag on it. Darn! Someone beat me to it.

In a frenzy, I went from armoirs to vanities to bookcases. Sold. Sold. Sold. My God, these people were fast. All that was left were some ugly pink velveteen couches from the eighties. I resigned myself to leaving empty-handed, when an employee told me there were a few more pieces outside in the lot. We headed out back, and I swear I heard an angel's choir sing as my eyes gazed on an Adirondack-style rocking chair just looking for a little TLC. It was bargain priced at $20 and screaming my name.

I’ve always wanted a rocking chair,” I exclaimed, running to sit in it, before any other sale vultures tried to stake a claim.
We don’t have a place for it,” my husband said.
We’ll make a place. This chair is so comfortable. It’s like those $200 ones on the porch at Cracker Barrel. Oh my God, it fits my lower lumbar perfectly. I have to have this chair.”
We already have a porch swing. We’re going to look like those houses with too much going on. Next thing I know, you’ll want a lawn flamingo … and gnomes.”

My husband quickly realized he was fighting a losing battle. I was already envisioning myself reading and rocking, while swilling back some lemonade in a scene right out of a Country Time commercial. And before I knew it, he discovered his butt fit perfectly in the chair, too, and we were squeezing that baby into the front seat and driving it home.

Jim spent the day sanding our new chair and repainting it a high gloss white to match our house trim. It looks brand spankin’ new!

So while I never did make it to an estate sale, I still walked away a winner …

Proving once again that my husband always knows how to rock my world!





BIO:


Parri Sontag is a middle-aged, weight-challenged semi-professional dieter with a passion for musical theater and a disposition for spontaneously bursting into song.  An award-winning journalist and marketing/communications professional, Parri’s hilarious new blog, Her Royal Thighness: Torn Between a Little Waist and a Little Debbie(www.RoyalThighness.com) consistently delivers side-splitting laughs as she weaves poignant messages into relatable and universal real-life experiences. Recently named a BlogHer Voice of the Year in the humor category, Parri is a recovering dodgeball target and Farmville addict, who has been mugged of her Halloween candy, ridiculed for hoarding totebags and accused of picking a fight with Santa.









46 comments:

  1. Very funny post! There is an excitement associated with the chance of finding treasure at a bargain. But I think the biggest treasure is a husband who will sand and paint a chair on the same day it is purchased. That's crazy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's because his wife used to come home with things like vintage windows that she'd place in her garage to do something crafty with "someday" ... purchases that we'd then have to put a free sign on after they were rejected years later at our own garage sale. LOL! He doesn't like to sit on projects and have them never get done. He's awesome that way!

      Delete
  2. Your hubby sounds like a gem, telling you about the sale then sanding and painting the chair. It sounds like you had a great day ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's a definite keeper. I'm a lucky gal!

      Delete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AinOakPark here....

    Um, you took a SHOWER before you went to the estate sale?

    And yes, your husband is a gem for doing the makeover in the same day. I'd settle for the same month. Or year. My husband THINKS he is handy, which is worse than NOT being handy (and knowing it). Sigh.

    As for the tote bags, we downsized, too, and I was AMAZED at how many tote bags I had! I think the hardest thing was no longer having a garage, though. I did donate almost all the tote bags and haven't missed them, but I do so miss the garage. And the second refrigerator we kept there....

    Where are my toe-nail clippers?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL. You cracked me with the toe-nail clipper line! I miss our garage and second fridge too. It's where we had room for beverages and party platters. And my basement was lined with shelving and labelled Rubbermaid totes so I could easily access my Halloween, Easter and Christmas decorations, spare bulbs, yearbooks, clippings and brochures for my portfolio/job interviews ... I have no place to put anything now. I keep telling my husband I'm not a hoarder; I just have no place to store anything. There's a difference! I can't wait to upgrade again. As for handy husbands, I lucked out on that one. He's like McGyver's long lost twin! ... so refreshing after the privileged boys I grew up with ... who routinely let their "fingers do the walking!"

      Delete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Deep disappointment turned to glorious success. Sounds like heaven to me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When you have the bargain gene, a good sale is ALWAYS heaven!

      Delete
  8. Good team effort from start to finish!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure about a team effort. He did all the refinishing work, while I sat on the patio with a book, just to be there in spirit!

      Delete
  9. When our daughter was young, my husband would take her to garage sales with his famous saying: "any dolly for a dollar; any Barbie for under a buck." They found some good deals. Like you, only a garage sale or such like vaults me out of bed early on a weekend morning. Who can sleep when deals are out there???!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! Had I known about the sale the night before, I would have been up at 6 a.m. plotting my strategy!

      Delete
  10. Very funny! The tables are turned in my house my husband is the estate sale nut and I am the one always saying we are out of room! As a matter of fact there is a rocking chair in my garage at this very minute that has been sitting there for a month that my husband is "going to refinish" uh huh it will be sitting there when my daughter finally has our estate sale!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe if you buy the stuff you need to refinish the chair ... sandpaper, paint ... and gift wrap it with a bow and give it to him with the sweetest smile, he'll get inspired! Oh, and bake some cookies. Those always help the cause!

      Delete
  11. Hilarious and I'd like to go to a sale with YOU!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you live in Florida? I could use a partner in crime who gets equally excited over bargains!

      Delete
  12. If I could get my hubby to go to an Estate sale or thrift store with me, I'd let him rock my world :)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And remind him that it could be worse. You could be asking him to sit through The Notebook!

      Delete
  13. Great to see your stuff this week! Keep up the good work. My husband went to a flea market with me once, about 42 years ago. That about sums it up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading, Risa! No way you've been married 42 years? I'd say you've EARNED your bargain shopping. I hope you go anyway, even if it's without him!

      Delete
  14. Isn't it a great feeling when you stumble across a great find? I didn't about the ebay pricing thing. Woah. People are getting way too savvy for me. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ebay's gotten a bit greedy. They've really upped their listing fees and the cut they take off your final sale. Plus PayPal takes a cut, too. So you can't really list piddly items anymore, if you want to make a profit. Anyway, no one's getting this rocking chair. Profit, shmofit. It's all mine!!!

      Delete
  15. Gotta love a good garage sale. Have you noticed that Good Will is the new Nordstrom? Overpriced. Enjoy the chair.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really? GoodWill in our neighborhood is really cheap. But yes, I love a good garage sale. I do not, however, enjoy throwing a garage sale ... and having people try to offer me a dime for something like a Wii. My husband always tells me I'm overpricing everything, but that's because no matter how cheap you make something, people try to talk you down. You have to mark up to mark down! I know deals are part of the thrill, but if something's well-priced, I never try to rip off the owner!

      Delete
  16. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuperb. Hilareous.


    Just recently discovered this jewel called "Her Royal Thighness."

    I'm HOOKED as Hell.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, what a kind thing to say. I'm so glad you found me and am honored to call you a regular reader!

      Delete
  17. I LOVE estate sales. My grandmother was an estate sale maven from way back. When she was alive, I used to go, memorize every single thing I could, and then go home and call her, long distance, to describe what I'd seen. She would usually tell me what things were that I couldn't identify. It was a way for me to share a common interest with her, but it was also a way to enjoy the sales when I had no money to spend, and she was blind and couldn't go any more. Thanks for reminding me of her!

    PS Stopping in from Bloppy Bloggers. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my gosh, what a sweet story! You have to blog about this. It's such a touching memory. Thank you for sharing that with me. What a special memory with your grandmother. I miss my Gram so much. I'm 51 and she died at age 75 in the eighties. But she was the single most influential person in my life ... the one who encouraged me to go to journalism school and become a writer. I'm so happy you, too, shared a special bond with your grandmother. YOU HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!!!

      Delete
  18. I adore Parri's writing, and I adore yours too, Marcia. What a great pair!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Sharon! I'm so honored that the original Meno Mama invited me to guest blog! (Or did I invite myself, Marcia? I can't remember. Was there begging involved? LOL)

      Delete
  19. This post was great. I wish I had a cool rocking chair.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GoodWill and a can of glossy spray paint, and you, too, can join the club!

      Delete
  20. Oh my goodness what a laugh this post was I laughed so much my daugher had to ask if I was ok

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! I can't tell you what an honor it is for me to hear that kind of enthusiastic feedback! I have to be careful not to drink soda while reading some humor bloggers like Menopausal Mother, because I've been known to snort it up my nose! I'm so glad I could make you smile today!

      Delete
  21. Great post! I love to go to estate sales and have been known to do weekend estate sales and garage sales. Thanks for sharing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Man, I wish you lived in Florida. I need a bargain buddy! Thanks for the wonderful compliment!

      Delete
  22. I do love a good bargain. If a shop doesn't have the words 'Sale' or 'discount' on it, then I ain't going in
    Wonderful story and funny as hell.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your kind comment! What is it about a bargain that just gets my adrenaline going? It must be genetic. My mother was the same way! Anyway, do you live in Tampa? We could hit the garage sale circuit together!

      Delete
  23. Just Awesome. it's Really Enjoyable Post. I Learned Many KnowledgeFrom This Valuable Post. Thank you So Much for Sharing With us.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I hope you and your husband enjoy many blissful hours in your new rocking chair! If it's as good as the chairs in Cracker Barrell, then you purchased a gem!! I loved your bio, by the way....a recovering dodge ball target! I love it!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I can just picture you enthusiastically exclaiming, "This rocking chair fits my lower lumbar perfectly!" Ha! How could he refuse!! SOLD!

    ReplyDelete
  26. The smart ones know better than to refuse us when we've fallen in love with an inanimate object.

    ReplyDelete