Friday, May 16, 2014

How To Keep A Husband Happy

 
    With Father's day just weeks away, I found myself wondering what to do for my husband on his special day. An early Oktoberfest in the backyard? A competitive spot next to Adam Richman on Man vs Food at an all-you-can-eat-ribs diner? Probably not a good idea since our toilet is temperamental.
   
     When I was finally able to grab my husband's attention from the NBA playoffs for a nanosecond, I asked him what it would take to make him happy on Father's Day----other than the obvious. I'm talking BEER, people! Get your minds out of the gutter.

     After out little chat during the five minute commercial break, I came to the conclusion that my husband's needs go far beyond a single day of recognition. He deserves to be happy all year 'round and to feel appreciated on a daily basis.

     Actions speak louder than words, so I've come up with a wish list of things I think wives should do that would make most husbands happy:


*  Let him eat all the burgers, pizza and chicken wings he wants. Just remind him you've already set up his doctor's appointment for a new heart stent.

*  Give him the badabing manual on "How To Help Your partner Reach The Big O in 2 Minutes Or Less When The Playoffs Are On."

*  Install a mini fridge full of beer next to his La-Z-Boy recliner. Add a portable catheter so he never has to get out of his chair.

*  Let him take a nap for an hour every day. Longer if he's hooked up to the catheter.

*  Convince him he needs a night out with his buddies Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble at the Water Buffalo Lodge. This is especially important if your husband is the Grand Poo Ba of the man cave.

*  Tell him not to strain and push so hard at the gym. Working toward a six pack just to be a trophy husband isn't worth popping out a hemorrhoid.

*  Let him sit on the couch, scratch his crotch and channel surf all weekend long.

*  Keep the sex life interesting, even if it requires a nightly Viagra cocktail and a wife dressed in an Oscar Mayer Wiener costume.

*  Surprise him with VIP tickets to his favorite sporting event that include seats in the sky lounge, unlimited steak, beer and an adult diaper changing station.

*  Give him an HD television the size of a movie theatre screen. The picture should be clear enough that he can tell whether or not the ball players have been circumcised.

*  Let him spend a weekend at a testosterone infused camp where men are men and sheep are nervous. Hopefully he won't have a b-a-a-a-a-d experience.

*  Buy him a large gift certificate to a hardware store. This allows him all the time necessary to roam the aisles for stupid trinkets. Don't be surprised if he comes home with a paint sprayer that doubles as a margarita dispenser or a yard hose with a special, suction extension attached for those lonely nights in the garden.

*  Tell him it's perfectly acceptable to show off his talent of burping the alphabet for your guests. Farting the alphabet, not so much.


     If none of these suggestions work to keep your husband happy, I have a Plan B. Send him off to a one room cabin in the woods for a year where he can grow a long beard and commune with the tree frogs.

     Just don't forget to pack the suction hose.


***I was thrilled to take part in a podcast on Friday 5/16 hosted by Wendy Hernandez of Family Law Insider. We talked about "mating, marriage and making it all work." You can watch the interview here:  https://plus.google.com/events/c16ceku58ng29v805mp5icva3fo  If you're unable to see it on Google Plus you can see it anytime on YouTube Here:     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBFNhv_yRf4

***Want more Meno Mother? This week my feature on Humor Outcasts was about The 7 Deadly Sins Of Menopause, which you can read here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/the-7-deadly-sins-of-menopause/

****I wasn't aware that a few weeks ago I was also featured on Better After Fifty, where I'm discussing the humorous symptoms of menopausal men. You can catch that post here: http://betterafter50.com/2014/04/my-husband-totally-gets-the-menopause-thing/

****Last but not least, I was also featured this week on Midlife Boulevard talking about my first period. Don't say. "EWWWWW!" This is FUNNY, people! Check it out here: http://midlifeboulevard.com/her-first-period
 

73 comments:

  1. OMG what a trooper your hub is with these pics, lol!

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    1. Poor man----I owe him BIG time for allowing these on the web!

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    2. Lol Sandra best me to it . I too was going to say how the hubby is a good sport to let you put this pics on the web LOL TOO FUNNY

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    3. Don't know what I'd do without him because I doubt my kids would allow me to take pictures like this of them.

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  2. "Let him spend a weekend at a testosterone infused camp where men are men and sheep are nervous." HA HA! Love it! Your husband is the BEST, Marcia! :)

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    1. Thank you, Crystal! Now you can see why this blog is getting successful---HE is the inspiration behind every post! <3

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  3. Hilarious, Marcia - you clearly hold a deep understanding of the male psyche. I'm showing it to my lady wife, and am surfing the web for a catheter immediately after this comment!

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    1. Buy a catheter and you can stay in your recliner ALL DAY….and hope that someone brings you your meals!

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  4. That hardware store thing is definitely true at my house!

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    1. What is it with men and their hardware???

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  5. Hahaha oh those pictures are so funny! The catheter picture! Don't get those two liquids mixed up!
    This is awesome. And so true.

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    1. Thank you for reminding me--I'd better tell him that next time he's drinking without his glasses on.

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  6. Haha! You are so fucking funny.

    I can't get over the photos, and what a great man he is to do those for you.

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    1. Isn't he something? Of course I have to pay him for his services….and NO, it's not what you think! :)

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  7. I enjoyed this immensely, Marcia! I was just contemplating the whole Fathers Day gift thing myself! While your sentiments all ring true, it was your husbands shirt in the last pic that I had to comment on....I LOVE IT! I have the same bad feline attitude. Cats are great...when they belong to someone who likes them! which isn't me. I thought for Fathers Day I'd give Earl a pamphlet on Adoption Options...and remind him I haven't adopted any humans, even as tumbleweeds roll through my barren desert of a uterus!

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    1. HAHAHA! So does this mean you won't be adopting any cats???

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  8. Oh holy hell. This is hysterical! If I did give my husband his way he'd sit on the balcony every night with a wedge (or five) of brie, a couple cases of beer, and a dozen cigars. Not that all of this would be gone in one night, just that it'd be there on hand for him each night.

    Now, tell me a thing or two about that Viagra cocktail. Mama needs some lovin' too and she ain't getting much.

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    1. Mix the Viagra into a pina colada and BOOM! Coconut fun for everyone! But you still might consider wearing an Oscar Mayer Wiener costume while you're at it…..

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  9. To keep your Husby happy, I think the first ingredient is a wife with a sense of humour! Oh, and a Husby with a sense of humour is good as well! ;)

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    1. Very true! We bounce our funny ideas off each other all the time-----that's the majority of what you read here on the blog!

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  10. Hi Marcia! My goodness, you are busy! Congrats on all the different media contributions. I'm so proud of you! I'll catch your podcast on Youtube. Thank you for the link :)
    My husband would LOVE a huge TV. I keep telling him we don't need one, and then he keeps talking about something...I don't know what it is because I've tuned him out.
    Your husband is a wonderful guy to post for all those crazy pics. A keeper for sure!
    Ceil

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    1. I think those large screen TVs are every man's dream! And yes, my Hubs is a good sport---I think I'll keep him!

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  11. So much easier for you to make this list for me than for me to have to think it through myself. Now where do I find a one-room cabin in the woods?

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    1. If you find one let me know and we can BOTH put our husbands up there!

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  12. You nailed it! My hubby, anyway. Um, wait... maybe I should rephrase that?

    I loved it, and I agree: your hubby is a real sport to let you take those pictures of him.

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  13. Looks like your husband has a great sense of humor just like you! My husband could spend half the day at the hardware store, and the other half figuring out where to store all the crap he bought! Have a great weekend!

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    1. OMG isn't that the truth?! We live in a small house AND we have a shed---EVERYTHING is overflowing with crap!!!

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    2. Kind of like shoes in my house...not my shoes!

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    3. I was just thinking about that today----I have no place to store all my shoes and now I don't know what to do with them all!

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  14. You make a great pair! He is a good sport, I'm sure you keeping him laughing as much as he does you! This was pretty funny!

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    1. Thanks, Phyllis! We discovered a long time ago that laughter really is the best medicine!

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  15. You've obviously done a lot of research on what it takes to make a man happy and you've hit the mark with many of these suggestions. Say, where can I purchase one of those suction hoses?

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    1. BAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm betting you'll be standing in the aisle next to my husband at the hardware store very soon!

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  16. this was hilarious! I need to show my husband this, so he can start being my model, too. :)

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    1. Give him a few beers first and then he'll do anything you ask!

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  17. Your husband is quite the trooper... not sure I know too many men who would let them take pictures like this... lol

    I also agree, a lot of these would make a man happy but what about us... heha :)

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    1. Good point, Launna! I need to write a post on what WOMEN really want!

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  18. Tim would be annoyed and pissed off if I took photos like this and posted them on my blog

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    1. I imagine a LOT of men would but my hubs has always been a big ham in front of the camera---it's one of the things that attracted me to him. :)

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  19. Your husband is an absolute star!! It's 2 o'clock in the morning, so if I get a notice of cease and desist from my neighbours's lawyer for laughing too loudly, then I coming to you to pay the extra charge. :)

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    1. I'm thinking if we get really hard up for cash, I can hire him out for modeling on blogs….

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  20. OMG Marcia! Your husband rocks for letting you take all of these photos. I took one of my husband wearing brown sandals with shorts and white socks and not even 2 seconds after I finished the happy "click" on my phone did he make me promise to not put it on the blog. He didn't make me promise no Facebook though, so look forward to that.
    HAHAHA to the whole catheter and sheep being nervous! Awesome!! Remind me to tell you about how one of my first drawings (not on the blog) and not as a kid is a man um getting intimate with a sheep....

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    1. HAHAHA I MUST see that drawing!! But I'm NOT showing it to the Hubs!

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  21. I think I know now why I'm still single. My marriages just weren't funny. Now where's my funny soul mate?

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    1. keep looking---he's out there. Any man who has you is a VERY LUCKY man because you are beauty, brains, kindness and humor all wrapped into one! <3

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  22. Husbands everywhere are thanking you profusely! :)

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    1. Hahahahaha!! I think you may be right!

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  23. What a fabulous way to start my day off with a laugh! Marcia, you certainly have the opposite sex all figured out! Kudos to your hubby for letting you take the pictures but I think a part of him enjoyed it too!

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    1. Oh yes---he LOVES hamming it up in front of the camera. Thank you for stopping by to read the post!

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  24. "Working toward a six pack just to be a trophy husband isn't worth popping out a hemorrhoid..." OMG, best line ever! I laughed out loud! You are an awesome wife just for making this list! And the pictures that go along with it are just perfect. Love it loved it loved it!!

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    1. I really do worry about these things…..can't afford hemorrhoid surgery….

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  25. Mac cracks me up and so do you! This is great Marcia! I just showed this to Kevin and said "Hey, how come you don't pose for fun pictures for MY blog?" And he was like "While we're talking about what we can do for each other, have you read this post yet?" HA! Point well taken. I need to do something really cool for him for Father's Day and yes, okay, every damn day. lol

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    1. Hahahaha! He got you there! Well played!

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  26. **Keep the sex life interesting, even if it requires a nightly Viagra cocktail and a wife dressed in an Oscar Mayer Wiener costume.**

    you crack me up!! xx

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    1. Sometimes I crack myself up but mostly I just scare the crap out of myself. Where DO these ideas come from???

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  27. Reach the big O in two minutes! I loved Oscar Robertson if I could watch the playoffs with a hall of famer like the "Big O"...what a dream come true.

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  28. My favorite was "Give him the badabing manual on "How To Help Your partner Reach The Big O in 2 Minutes Or Less When The Playoffs Are On." too! That's so you can achieve this while the commercials are playing right?! Lol. You seriously crack me up!

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    1. Yep! It's really hard to capture the Hub's attention right now because he's watching the damn basketball playoffs. Every. Single. Night.

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  29. You are just a wealth of knowledge! I must check in more often to learn a few more valuable lessons.

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    1. That would be great but remember, I have a very skewed view…..

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  30. "where men are men and sheep are nervous". LOVE IT! Thanks for the belly laugh! Here I thought I would get my husband one of those expandable water hoses that are 'as seen on tv', but your ideas are far superior! :)

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    1. Why get an ordinary hose? I'm thinking your hubs, like any man, would love the suction feature on the hose!

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  31. I'm a first time visitor to your blog and LOVE IT. You are so funny! I bet you are so much fun to be around, bless your heart. Your husband better appreciate you. :) Take care and have an awesome day.

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    1. Wow! Thank you Barb, for stopping by. Hope I see you here again! :)

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  32. Found your blog via "The Regular Guy NYC." Love that your husband was up for the photo op. Wink!

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    1. He's a good sport for sure. LOVE Regular Guy NYC and so glad you stopped by!

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  33. Hi Marcia! It's me again. I thought you were going to be on a podcast, and here I saw you on video! So fun to watch your interview with Wendy Hernandez, I think you have a fan for life in her :)
    I loved your down-to-earth chat, and how you had such solid advice, like journaling. It only makes me even more proud of you, which would have been hard to do. Nice work!
    Ceil

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    1. Awwwww….thank you so much, Ceil! I appreciate that you took the time to watch the video---that means a lot to me!

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  34. Man, I really hope you're joking about the Oscar Meyer costume! Because if you're not...your husband may be playing for the wrong team ;) Or worse, he's a REALLY REALLY SICK DUDE whose twick, sisted perversion is PROCESSED LUNCH MEAT!!!

    But the paint sprayer that doubles as a margarita container? WHERE CAN I BUY ME ONE?!?!

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    1. HAHAHA!!!! Now aren't you just DYING to get your butt down here to meet my family???? If you do, maybe I'll show you the Oscar Mayer Wiener costume…..

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  35. I tell my boss how much of a jerk he is everyday and he doesn’t even know it, all thanks to http://click2scream.com/ and their anonymity. They really help me get through the hard days!

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