Thursday, May 15, 2014
How To Keep A Husband Happy
With Father's day just weeks away, I found myself wondering what to do for my husband on his special day. An early Oktoberfest in the backyard? A competitive spot next to Adam Richman on Man vs Food at an all-you-can-eat-ribs diner? Probably not a good idea since our toilet is temperamental.
When I was finally able to grab my husband's attention from the NBA playoffs for a nanosecond, I asked him what it would take to make him happy on Father's Day----other than the obvious. I'm talking BEER, people! Get your minds out of the gutter.
After out little chat during the five minute commercial break, I came to the conclusion that my husband's needs go far beyond a single day of recognition. He deserves to be happy all year 'round and to feel appreciated on a daily basis.
Actions speak louder than words, so I've come up with a wish list of things I think wives should do that would make most husbands happy:
* Let him eat all the burgers, pizza and chicken wings he wants. Just remind him you've already set up his doctor's appointment for a new heart stent.
* Give him the badabing manual on "How To Help Your partner Reach The Big O in 2 Minutes Or Less When The Playoffs Are On."
* Install a mini fridge full of beer next to his La-Z-Boy recliner. Add a portable catheter so he never has to get out of his chair.
* Let him take a nap for an hour every day. Longer if he's hooked up to the catheter.
* Convince him he needs a night out with his buddies Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble at the Water Buffalo Lodge. This is especially important if your husband is the Grand Poo Ba of the man cave.
* Tell him not to strain and push so hard at the gym. Working toward a six pack just to be a trophy husband isn't worth popping out a hemorrhoid.
* Let him sit on the couch, scratch his crotch and channel surf all weekend long.
* Keep the sex life interesting, even if it requires a nightly Viagra cocktail and a wife dressed in an Oscar Mayer Wiener costume.
* Surprise him with VIP tickets to his favorite sporting event that include seats in the sky lounge, unlimited steak, beer and an adult diaper changing station.
* Give him an HD television the size of a movie theatre screen. The picture should be clear enough that he can tell whether or not the ball players have been circumcised.
* Let him spend a weekend at a testosterone infused camp where men are men and sheep are nervous. Hopefully he won't have a b-a-a-a-a-d experience.
* Buy him a large gift certificate to a hardware store. This allows him all the time necessary to roam the aisles for stupid trinkets. Don't be surprised if he comes home with a paint sprayer that doubles as a margarita dispenser or a yard hose with a special, suction extension attached for those lonely nights in the garden.
* Tell him it's perfectly acceptable to show off his talent of burping the alphabet for your guests. Farting the alphabet, not so much.
If none of these suggestions work to keep your husband happy, I have a Plan B. Send him off to a one room cabin in the woods for a year where he can grow a long beard and commune with the tree frogs.
Just don't forget to pack the suction hose.
***I was thrilled to take part in a podcast on Friday 5/16 hosted by Wendy Hernandez of Family Law Insider. We talked about "mating, marriage and making it all work." You can watch the interview here: https://plus.google.com/events/c16ceku58ng29v805mp5icva3fo If you're unable to see it on Google Plus you can see it anytime on YouTube Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBFNhv_yRf4
***Want more Meno Mother? This week my feature on Humor Outcasts was about The 7 Deadly Sins Of Menopause, which you can read here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/the-7-deadly-sins-of-menopause/
****I wasn't aware that a few weeks ago I was also featured on Better After Fifty, where I'm discussing the humorous symptoms of menopausal men. You can catch that post here: http://betterafter50.com/2014/04/my-husband-totally-gets-the-menopause-thing/
****Last but not least, I was also featured this week on Midlife Boulevard talking about my first period. Don't say. "EWWWWW!" This is FUNNY, people! Check it out here: http://midlifeboulevard.com/her-first-period