When my children were young, I cherished their handmade cards filled with loving sentiments of appreciation. As they grew older, the gifts became more creative, especially when working on a tight budget. This included anything sold from an 800 number, such as an Elvis head Chia pet, ShamWows and Ped Eggs.
My kids know that all I need on Mother's day is their love and oodles of hugs. They also know that any of the following gift fails, no matter how nicely wrapped, will land them in the dog house. For life.
1. A cow print muumuu with matching hoof slippers and a place for Mom's udders.2. Subscription to Old Farts Monthly magazine complete with scratch and sniff tabs.
3. Give Mom a diamond necklace, not a Life Alert necklace.
4. Don't offer a Groupon for vaginal reconstructive surgery unless your mother tells you that her lady parts resemble two stingrays swimming side by side.
5. A can of Ron Popeil's Spray On Hair for Mom's bald spots.
6. Five free Kegal sessions with Dr. Uso Tyght for bladder control.
7. Dinner at the Sir-Chews-Not diner for the Sunday Special on spam and spinach smoothies. Leave Mom's dentures at the door.
9. A gift certificate for three classes on "How To Turn Your Pool Into A Jacuzzi Through Flatulence."
10. Mothball Eau De parfum.
11. A one year supply of Dry As A Bone vaginal lube.12. If you're giving your mum candy, make sure the label says Godiva chocolates, not the cheap knock off brand, Cadaver chocolates.
Most mothers will be happy with the usual flowers, candy and dinner routine this year. But if Mom is looking for something unique, you can always surprise her with the cow print muumuu and matching hoof slippers.
Happy "MOOO"ther's day!
****EXCITING NEWS!!!!**** Menopausal Mother just won a BlogHer Voices Of The Year 2014 award for the post, 10 Reasons Why I Love Menopause!!! This has been on my bucket list for quite some time. Now I'm ready to PAR-TAY!
*This week Menopausal Mother was featured over at the NEW In The Powder Room. This post originally appeared on the site last summer and became notorious for CRASHING the site due to the surge in page views, LOL! Curious? You can read it here: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/6-good-things-about-raising-teen-boys/
Marcia you had me chuckling over so many of these... anyone ever buys me a cow print mumu needs to run...lol ;-) ...
ReplyDeleteHave an awesome week ;-)
I'm so happy I can bring a little laughter to your day, Launna. I always smile when I see that you came by! XO
DeleteThis is so funny! However, I won't read it out loud to my husband and kids or I guarantee you, one of these "gifts" will be wrapped and ready for Mother's Day...just because they can!
ReplyDeleteSandy, how would you like a nice, glittery card..?
Delete(I'm saying this... just because I can, hahaha)
I wouldn't give them any ideas either, Sandy!
DeleteTamara---I'd take the glittery card over the bag lube!
DeleteCadaver chocolates, no thanks! The fart bubbles jacuzzi was probably meant well, baahahaha!
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping for a drawing that includes hearts, and not hockey sticks. We'll see.
Happy Mother's Day, I am confident that it includes a nice glass of wine for both of us!
Congratulations on your Voices of the Year Award! Way to go :-)
Thank you so much, Tamara! I'm still in shock about the award. Oh yes---I will raise my glass of wine to you this weekend and wish you a happy "Mooooo"ther's day!
DeleteOk, I'm probably just a crabby b-word but I HATE breakfast in bed. Seriously? Do I want a plate full of syrup, an over full glass of room temp milk and some crumbly toast on a serving platter my kids think will work just fine as a lap tray, in my BED? And it's like WAY too early in the morning when this happens; I just want to sleep. And by the way, I don't even eat breakfast. At this hour of the morning everything just tastes like my blanket. Then they want to sit there, all over the bed with me and watch me eat. First, that just makes the serving tray, syrup, and crumbs harder to keep control of because of all the wiggling and excited "we're so proud of ourselves" bouncing going on; second, I don't know about anyone else but I get a little freaked out at all those people watching me eat! I love them, I would never hurt their feelings by telling them "Uh, FYI kiddos, this sucks. Please don't". And I don't smile well when I'm barely awake. I have no filter and I have to fight to find appropriate words to express my love for them w/o destroying their loving gesture. It makes my brain hurt. This is so not the way I want my mother's day to start. Bring on the cute sentimental handmade, handwritten cards. Sing me a goofy "Mom" song you made up. Have a driveway parade or a living room theater production of "Momtastic - The Musical". I'm far more into the fun of watching the little boogers let loose with the creativity and entertainment than being the entertainment: "The Amazing Bed-Breakfast-Balancing B-word will be performing today at 7 a.m.!! Come see the show!" (*sigh* I should have just written a blog post instead of hi-jacking yours in my attempt to be humorous! LOL)
ReplyDeleteI love this and YES, you need to write this in a blog post because it is FUNNY!!! OMG I am the same way about eating in bed---very awkward with everyone staring at me. Luckily my kids have outgrown that phase…..Anyway, soooo happy to see you here, Traci! <3
DeleteIf I would get any one or all of these ridiculous gifts she would fail to see the humor in it. The lady doesn't have one funny bone in her body. And that's why we usually just do dinner, but that's a struggle too since apparently she's allergic to all types of spices including salt and pepper. *Sigh*
ReplyDeleteOh my! That doesn't sound like a fun Mother's day at all. I say you hop on a plane and come spend the day with me---I'll get you laughing!
Deletehahahaha Oh god ... I will die laughing... I am still laughing at the bouquet point ... absolutely hillarious :D
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rajlakshmi! Glad I could bring some laughter to your day!
Delete"... her lady parts resemble two stingrays side by side" ... How do you come up with this stuff? What a metaphor. PRICELESS!
ReplyDeleteI was born with a gross sense of humor…..just ask my mom. Love ya, Parri! <3
DeleteOh lord, I have peed my pants! This is just hilarious, hubby and mom are looking at me like I'm crazy (I told them I was balancing our checking account!) I don't know where you come up with your craziness but I absolutely LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteI'm weird, I know. Oh man, I wish I could laugh while balancing the checkbook. Usually I cry and bury myself under the covers for a week.
DeleteI wish you could've heard me guffaw at the stingray analogy! LOL You're so fun and funny and awesome, sweet lady! Oh and the "dry as a bone vaginal lube" ahahahah. Love ya. Congrats on your AMAZING VOTY AWARD, and Happy Mother's Day.:)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Beth! I want to see your name in the VOTY next year---YOU deserve it as you are one of the finest writers I know! Yeah--I think the stingray metaphor is probably my favorites, LOL!
DeleteNo Grandbabies from 15 year olds either.
ReplyDeleteO.M.G. NOOOOOOOO! That would be a Mother's Day nightmare!
DeleteYou win. WORST. GIFT. EVER.
DeleteAgreed! Nightmare!
Deletehahaha this list is awesome. Incidentally, do you have Doctor Usotight's number? :)
ReplyDeleteOf course I do, and your bladder will never leak again!
DeleteMUST have the cow print muumuu with udder-holder!! hahaha! love this list!
ReplyDeleteLOL thank you, Darcy! If I get the muumuu I'll be sure to ship it off to you along with the hoof slippers!
DeleteDr. Uso Tyght and Dry as a Bone vaginal lube...OMG! You had me rolling. Okay, fine, laughing loudly. Thank goodness no one was home. Haha.
ReplyDeleteAwesome! Glad you were laughing out loud, Thanks!
DeleteOoh, thanks, I almost bought a few of these.
ReplyDeleteIf you do, let me know how that works out for ya!
DeleteHAHAHA! This is an epic list. So glad I read this, as now I need to reconsider some of the things I bought for my mom. She might end up disowning me!
ReplyDelete( wonder if I can get a refund on that vaginal lube )
What? You mean you didn't opt for the vaginal reconstructive surgery?
DeleteThanks - now that's an image seared into my brain that will torment me!
DeleteYou will never look at a stingray quite the same way again…..
DeleteI am so NOT showing this list to my kids. They'd take it as a challenge.
ReplyDeleteLOL I think there are a lot of moms out there hiding this list as we speak….
DeleteThis list is perfect! I forgot all about Ron Popeil. This isn't nearly as funny as yours, but one year my kids got me an iron. Seriously, so I can iron YOUR clothes? Sigh. Congrats again on your award!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lana! Remember that awful Ron Popeil stuff? Yuck! Can't believe your kids gave you an iron!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks to you I'll never be able to look at stingrays in the same way. Happy Mother's Day.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA pretty awful, isn't it????
DeleteI think the cow udders would make any woman's butt look small so maybe it's not such a bad gift! Congrats on the award!
ReplyDeleteThank you! And I'm thinking you're right about the cow udders!
Delete"Not a Life Alert Necklace" - LOL!! Love these! My mom hated it when my dad would give her a kitchen appliance. I too loved it when the kids were little and gave me creative homemade gifts except that I don't miss getting the oodles of candles and trivets. I already requested we go to church and then out to breakfast, oh and hugs. SCORE!! Happy Meno Mama Day! :)
ReplyDeleteThe hugs and "I Love you's" are the best! <3
DeleteI want simply to be acknowledged. A card would be nice,not having to cook and clean for a day would be even better! :-D HA HA Marcia, you are too funny!
ReplyDeleteOhhhhh I like the way you think! No cooking or cleaning for a day sounds GREAT to me!
DeleteYou ALWAYS crack me up with these types of posts. Also, I want, more than anything else this Mother's Day, for my husband to take our 4 year old to Monkey Joe's Bounce House without me. I still want the hugs and I love you's though. The I love you's still sound like this "wub you" with a sigh at the end. I adore your family!!!
ReplyDeleteI miss the "wub you's." I need to work harder on earning those from my granddaughter!
DeleteThis was funny, thankfully my girls have never given me any of those gifts which is good I can do without them
ReplyDeleteMe neither----I'd have to disown them for a bit if that happened….
DeleteMy favorites are Life alert and Dr. Uso Tyght! LOL Happy Mother's Day Marcia!! Uso Funny!
ReplyDeleteUso funny too, my friend. Happy Mother's Day to you. What is the cocktail of choice this time? Whatever it is---I want it!
DeleteLoved your list too! Your words painted the pictures - no photos needed :)
ReplyDeleteLOL! I was afraid if I posted some pics of the stingray vagina I'd lose a few readers…..
DeleteYour post made me smile. Happy Mothers Day!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to hear that! And a Happy Mother's day to you too, Melissa! XO
DeleteThat list was so funny! I can see my boys trying to get away with a few of those!
ReplyDeleteHopefully not the vaginal reconstructive surgery….. :)
DeleteThe pictures are great! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not ready to disregard muumuus, they look like they could be comfy. :)
Happy Mother's Day to you!
I actually love muumuus---just not the ones with udders, hahaha! Happy Mother's Day, Rosie!
DeleteThank God, my boys were never this creative. Thanks for the giggles, that in itself is a great Mother's Day gift. You, my dear, are a PIP!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's Day, may God Help you. Can't wait to see what surprises your family has in store for you this year!
I'm a little nervous about it, too. Happy Mother's Day, Barbara! I hope you have a beautiful and blessed day! XO
DeleteOh my lord meno mama, it's was worth coming back to the blogosphere just to read this post!! Spawn insisted on knowing what I was laughing out loud to and so I thought I'd oblige and go through the list with him. We got as far as #4, whereby he covered his ears and ran screaming from the room.
ReplyDeleteHilarious as always. :)
HAHAHA!!!! gawd, I have missed you, Lily! Your comments always make me smile. XO
DeleteHappy Moo-ther's Day to you, Marcia. And congratulations on all the exposure you're getting – minus the vaginal reconstruction reference, of course.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA!!!! Thank you, Theresa! Happy Mooother's day to you, too! <3
DeleteHi Marcia! I had a smile on my face the whole time I read this post. So clever!! I hope your family treats you as the Queen and Domestic Diva that you are. May you get a gallon of your favorite beverage, the Godiva Chocolate and some time for yourself :)
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your newest accolade, again, I am so proud of you. I can say "I knew you when".
Best of blessings to you on this Mothers Day,
Ceil
You are so sweet---thank you, Ceil! Happy Mother's Day to you, too! <3
DeleteHope you had a fantastic Mother's Day sexy momma!
ReplyDeleteYou bet I did, Phil! Thanks!! XO
DeleteI'm still struggling (nay traumatized) by the two stingrays analogy!! What a superbly creative list, Marcia. And congratulations on yet another award; thoroughly deserved.
ReplyDeleteThought you might like that visual! Thanks for the encouraging words---love seeing you here!
DeleteWait -- there are Groupons for vaginal reconstructive surgery? I'd be totally on board for that - especially if it came with a free bladder lift! A doctor at the OB/GYN where I work calls that surgery combo "the blue light special" -- apparently VERY popular!
ReplyDeleteWell heck, then I want one! I NEED one! Sign me up for the blue plate special!
DeleteOkay, so you're saying I shouldn't have told the kids what you *really* wanted for Mother's Day was Metamucil Mousse and a Geritol-ato? Oh Goddess, I'm so embarrassed...it's my fault they gave you that stuff. I hope you didn't smack them *too* far across the county :)
ReplyDeleteHey, that geritol-ato tasted pretty good! I think I'll let this one slide…..but no gift suggestions for Father's Day, okay?
Delete