I adore my WWW guest today! Please welcome Gina Valley from the blog Gina Valley--The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom. I recently met Gina at the Erma Bombeck 2014 convention and we shared tons of laughs together over dinner. In fact, her sparkling sense of humor had everybody at the table laughing because Gina is THAT FUNNY! I bonded with her immediately and knew after the first five minutes of talking to her that I just had to feature her on my site. She was definitely one of my favorite bloggers to hang out with at the convention, so I know you're going to love this talented writer as much as I do. Please welcome Gina to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!
This Is Not About Having
“You-Know-What”
by Gina Valley
This is not about
having “You-Know-What.” It’s about not having
“You-Know-What.”
And, how that seems to be more and more
the case after the jewelry exchange takes place.
Why is it when you finally reach a
stage in life where everyone, even God and your mother,
finally thinks it’s OK for you to engage in “fellowship” with
your beloved that that whole part of your relationship suddenly seems
to become Mission Impossible?
Well, much as I wish I could give you
some ideas on what will work well for successfully completing your
fellowship transaction, I can’t.
But, I can tell you some things
that don’t work. Please use this information to
prepare yourself and to take evasive action.
Don’t ask me how I
know, but I know that you will not be able to
complete fellowship successfully in any of the following situations:
If the dog is outside, you will not
be able to successfully have fellowship. He will
undoubtedly hear some strange noise by the trash cans. He will
dash over to the trashcan area, pound on the gate until it opens, and
rush in. At this point he will determine which of the trash
cans he believes to be the source of the offending sound and will
attack it.
Somehow, in a way I have never been
able to understand, the dog will manage to get his left front leg and
his head stuck in the trashcan. This will cause the dog to
panic. He will bark in panic, the loud noise then being
reflected back at him from the bottom of the trashcan will panic him
more, causing him to dash around the backyard on three legs running
into patio furniture, plants, and the other dogs, all the while
making a racket reminiscent of a pack of hyenas attacking an
antelope.
If the dog is in the house, you will
not be able to successfully have fellowship. Apparently,
the noises of fellowship sound somewhat similar to the noises of
distress, causing the ever-vigilant dog to hurl himself through the
air in an effort to protect you from what he is clearly assuming to
be an alien force.
He will chomp down on the most obvious,
first available part of the “alien” in an effort to save the
lady, who provides him with food and a clean blankey. The
“alien” will need 6 stitches and a very soft chair for more than
a week.
If your children are not at
home you will not be able to successfully have fellowship.
Your mother-in-law, who ironically wants you to have more
children, will call to have you settle the argument between her and
your father-in-law about which year they purchased their
refrigerator.
She will call repeatedly, leaving ever
more panicky messages. She knows you work from home, and, since
you’re not answering the phone, she will assume you have fallen and
are lying on the floor in your kitchen with a broken neck, because
you would not buy the non-slip rugs she told you you should get at
IKEA the last time you were there.
If your children are
at home sleeping, you will not be able to successfully have
fellowship. The second you are in the throes of fellowship
you will suddenly become aware of a small silhouette standing in the
doorway to your bedroom saying, “I don’t feel too good, and
Ryan’s tummy hurts, too.” This will cause you to, in one
fluid, ninja-like motion, both grab for your clothes and to race
toward your ill child.
Upon reaching the little darling you
will find yourself unable to stop, as your feet have suddenly begun
to act independently from your body. You will realize, as you
feel yourself entering into
“must-avoid-landing-on-my-child-as-I-am-about-to-crash-onto-the-hardwood-floor”
mood, that you have put both legs into one pant hole in your pajamas,
and, to further complicate matters, your feet have found the puddle
which evidences Ryan’s tummy is, in fact, very upset.
If you are visiting at your spouse’s
nearly -deaf grandparents’ house you will not be able to
successfully have fellowship. In the middle of the
night, just when you have activated the launch sequence while on the
slightly squeaky guest room sofa bed, you will hear his
grandmother in the hall call out to his grandfather, (be sure to read
this in a very heavy, old world accent for maximum
understanding) “Oh dear. I think they are copulating now,”
bringing the countdown to an immediate halt and canceling lift off
for the foreseeable future.
If you are visiting at your mother’s
house you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. You
will realize that there is no lock on the guest room door. So,
realizing that there is a lock on the bathroom door
you will attempt to find an angle of action long enough for the both
of you to interact without damaging limbs or kicking holes into tile.
You are, of course, bound to bump into
the shower at some point. This will cause tiny, nearly
imperceptible vibrations to travel up the sides of the shower and
across the top of the shower doors. The tiny “shower quake”
will cause a precariously balanced bottle of shampoo to tumble down,
its fall being broken by your partner’s face, creating a hard to
explain, yet impressive shiner.
If you think your backyard is a
secluded hide away for fellowship while your kids are visiting your
sister, you will not be able to successfully have
fellowship. Backyard raccoons are a lot bigger, a lot
bolder, and a lot more curious than you would ever think they are.
And, if you throw a shoe at them, not only do they not scamper
away to their treetop home, they catch it, throw it back at
you, and begin to screech so loudly that the neighbors come out
to see what the problem is.
If you attempt to christen your new
van late at night in your dark, tree-lined driveway, you will not be
able to successfully have fellowship. Your neighbor’s
teenage daughter’s boyfriend will pull his car into your driveway
behind your van to attempt to have a bit of fellowship with the
aforementioned neighbor’s daughter.
When he sees you climb out of the van,
it will startle him so much that he will accidentally slip his car
into reverse, causing it to roll down your steep driveway.
Naturally, he will attempt to stop the car by stomping on the brake,
but, as he is a new driver, he will hit the accelerator instead, and
careen across the street at the base of your driveway.
Don’t worry, though, the fire hydrant
in front of your neighbor’s house will stop his car.
And, the resulting fountain will insure that no one needs to water
their yard for a month.
If you lock your bedroom door
because your children are home and awake, you will not be able to
successfully have fellowship. Your 4 year-old will have a
sudden need to tell you about the enormous praying mantis he just
found on the table in the breakfast room.
He will, of course, be unable to open
your locked bedroom door. Then, you will hear a loud thump and
the splitting of wood as the door frame breaks, and your door flies
open. You will recall that this child started pushing the sofa
out of his way as soon as he could walk, as your pint sized Hulk
says,
“Mom, your door was stuck. I fixed it for you.”
My hero.
Or, maybe he’s just defending his
spot as the youngest in the birth order.
Laugh Out Loud!
-gina
Nothing is ever
easy when you’re trying to “you know,” is it? Ever gotten
creative? I’m looking forward to hearing all about it. Shoot
me a comment before someone breaks your door down!
BIO:
Gina Valley is a humorist, who lives in
Los Angeles, California, with her husband & their 7 children, who
provide her with more inspiration than she needs for her blog Gina
Valley – The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom.
She finds humor in parenting her pack, figuring out marriage,
navigating life, and trying to show up anywhere on time. She loves
to cook, if someone will put the ingredients in those little glass
bowls, & spends much of her time carpooling and inventing new
curse words (at the same time!). She’s not your typical soccer mom,
loves ridiculously high heels, & is addicted to her smart phone.
If she’s out of chocolate, run and hide!
Gina was a featured humor cast member
in Listen to Your Mother – San Francisco 2013. She has served as a
guest host for #DadChat, the largest Chat community on Twitter. Her
work appears widely on the web including at Voiceboks, Dads’ Round
Table, Inspiring Women Magazine, and The Erma Bombeck Writers’
Workshop. Laugh along with Gina on Facebook,
Twitter,
Pinterest, and
ginavalley.com.
Blog: http://ginavalley.com/
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/GinaValley
Pinterest:
http://www.pinterest.com/ginavalley/
This was funny... I have been a single mom twice in my life so I never knew how difficult ti was was to fellowship... lol
ReplyDeleteI am thinking I would have been putting the dog in the kennel, the children at grandmas and turning off all media... then people would think something is wrong and have someone check out the house... I might just send out notes that I am trying to fellowship... you are hilarious :)
Thank you, Launna! So happy to get to share some giggles with you!
DeleteBeing a single mother is a tough job. My hat is off to you for handling that twice!
I think you're right about someone coming over to check if everything is ok if you went off the grid. That happens to me if I don't answer my sister's email right away. She freaks out!
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ReplyDeleteThank you so much for having me over here, at your "house," Marcia! I'm blushing from all of the lovely things you've said. It was so great to finally get to meet you, especially at the Erma Bombeck Conference. Seems like the perfect place for it. I had so much fun hanging out with you & am looking forward to seeing you at the 2016 EBWW Conference, if not sooner!
ReplyDeleteYou have such a great community of readers here. I am honored that you have given me the opportunity to hang out with them. Thank you, again!
I am THRILLED to have you here, Gina!! I can't wait until ERMA 2016 and if you are EVER in my neck of the woods, you MUST stop by for a glass of wine in the garden with me!
DeleteI would love to stop by. I hope that works out soon. If not, I am looking forward to seeing you at the next Erma!!!
DeleteToo funny! I'm not a single mom thank goodness! Gina your amazing!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you like it, Sarah! I appreciate your compliments and support!
DeleteGina, you are a bold and daring woman! Kudos for your efforts. And Marcia, if she makes it to your garden, I hope her husband isn't far behind. That will be a hilarious story as they seek shelter near a potted plant and are chased out by some native species. Very funny piece, Gina!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Amy! So glad to get to share some giggles with you! I hadn't thought of seeking a perfect place in Marcia's garden, but now I wonder...hmmm.... I wonder if she has any densely forested areas or perhaps a little shed in her garden! ;o)
DeletePlan an affair. Organize a play date for the kids, hire a dog sitter, call in sick from work and sneak off to a cheap motel and meet up with your spouse.
ReplyDeleteOh, and yes...very funny post.
Thank you for the ideas, Joeh! I hate to think what terrible world calamities would result if I planned it that well!
DeleteSo glad to get to share some laughs with you!
Oh, I laughed! All of the above.
ReplyDeleteAs empty-nesters, we expected to be able to run through the house naked or experience fellowship anywhere and everywhere we wanted. Our kids sensed that. So they MOVED HOME. With their kids. We thought it was complicated before . . . Sigh.
I'm so glad you laughed, Diane! Always happy to share some laughs!
DeleteSeems like even grown kids have the innate ability to prevent their parents fellowshipping. And, as adults, they're able to bring extra troops to support their efforts. Nothing is ever easy, is it? ;o)
Super post! This resonated with me on a number of levels. Having previously experienced most of your scenarios, my good lady and I now mainly restrict our attempts at fellowship to weekend breaks in hotels and while on holiday. (Even then, on one recent occasion we were interrupted by the maid who wanted to "turn down" the bed - the experience lent itself to a funny post!)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Bryan! I'm so happy to hear you can relate! It's funny how even fellowship at a distant hotel doesn't guarantee enough time or privacy to complete the...transaction.
DeleteBut, as you said, it does at least lend itself to writing funny posts. ;o)
Ha!! This is very funny..and (sadly) so very true!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you liked it, Tracie! Always happy to get to share giggles!
DeleteThank you for making me laugh!
ReplyDeleteIt is always my pleasure to get to make someone laugh, Susan!
DeleteNext time my husband asks why we aren't having more fellowship, I'm showing him this!
ReplyDeleteIf you need me to sign a note, Lana, let me know! ;o) Always happy to help out!
DeleteThis is so funny! Reminds me of the time my BIL got his family jewels chewed up by the Jack Russell because he thought he was going to hurt his mama!!!
ReplyDeleteSo glad you liked it, Rena!
DeleteYour poor BIL! That sounds awful! Oh the things we must endure in search of fellowship!
Fantastic! Reminds me of when my sister caught our parents successfully having fellowship (that phrase is hilarious in itself) and run away and hid behind the sofa in shock. I told her that they were playing cowboys and mum was being a cowgirl. 20 years later, trauma finally settled in as she realized what actually took place.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lily!
DeleteYour poor sister!!! I think I would have been scarred for life, if I"d ever caught my parents fellowshipping! I hope you guys can giggle about it now. I will have to add "Playing Cowboys" to my list of nicknames!
Seven children and she has time to write? Amazing. And funny to boot!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Stephen! I'm so glad I got to share some laughs with you!
DeleteOh my goodness this was so bloody funny
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jo-Anne! So glad you liked it!
Delete