Menopausal Mother

     I dread using public restrooms on the interstate during a long road trip, but sometimes it can't be helped, especially if I'm traveling with a large iced coffee from Dunkin's. Whenever my husband and I make a pit stop I try to get in and out as quickly as possible because I never know exactly what I'll find behind the stall doors.

     The other day when I was on my way back from a mini-vacation in Palm Beach, I needed to make a potty stop. The restroom was actually quite clean, but it got me thinking....what sort of things does a bathroom stall witness in the course of a day? (Yeah, I know, I think about strange things sometimes while I'm using the bathroom.) I imagine the women's restrooms on the interstate have seen it ALL. What would their daily itinerary look like? If only the stalls could talk....


6:00 a.m. Janitor check-in time: Ahhhhhhh smell that? Bleach! Finally, I've been cleared of the olfactory sorrow left from that busload of teenagers heading back home after a day at Walt Disney World. Let's see if today's travelers do a better job at keeping me from smelling like a fisherman's wharf.

7:32 a.m. Prepare for women who don't read the disposal sign for feminine products: Seriously, lady? Clearly, you didn't read the sign above the metal receptacle where there's already a collection of mummified tampons waiting to be tossed. What are you trying to do, choke me?


9:01 a.m. Poop alert: Uh-oh, she has her headphones on. That means she brought her poop playlist. She's gonna be here for a while.

10:45 a.m. Send out the first daily reminder.:Wash your hands. WASH YOUR HANDS!

11:13 a.m. Tinkle alert: Don't blame me if the seat is wet. That last tinkler hovered above me and sprayed like a cat. You might want to wash your backside with some hand sanitizer when you're done.

12:00 p.m. Lunch break: I don't know what you're smoking but I'd love a hit.

1:01 p.m. 15-minute group therapy: Well, Carol, I don't know who Brad was texting while you were scanning the road for the Fort Pierce exit, but I'm pretty sure Kandy with a "K" is NOT his cousin. Cry and talk a little louder on your cell so the rest of the women waiting in line to use this stall know what you did last night at the Motel 6.

1:15 p.m. Play Potty roulette: What's behind stall door number one, two or three? Take your pick---we're all filthy!

2:04 p.m. Clean up in stall #2: Holy crap, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? Call the plumber---we have a floater!


3:00 p.m. Naptime: I really look forward to this quiet time in the stall, just before rush hour hits. Shout out to all the ladies with Paruresis. This hour belongs to you, my bladder-shy friends!

5:36 p.m. Send out a second daily reminder: Flush the toilet. FLUSH THE TOILET!

6:10 p.m. Art class: That's a lovely drawing of the male anatomy but my walls are not designed to be your personal canvas. Also, I don't think Kevin would appreciate your SMALL drawing.

7:22 p.m. Pray to the patron saint of air fresheners: The senior citizens' bus just rolled in from the bingo tournament in Vero Beach. Brace yourselves; flatulence is coming.

10:38 p.m. Toilet paper refill time: Honey, you're gonna need a LOT more paper for that.

1:00 a.m. Puke alert: That's okay, I got you, girl. I'm guessing too many Jager Bombs? Here's some advice: Pop two aspirin, chug a bottle of Gatorade and eat a bag of greasy potato chips. You'll feel good as gold in the morning, and no one will ever know you spent your Friday night praying to the porcelain god.

2:44 a.m. Border run: Seriously, you had to have Taco Bell's Steak Rattlesnake Fries?

2:45 a.m. Flush?


2:46 a.m. Flush again: Hello??

2:47 a.m. FLUSH! WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU?

4:30 a.m. Contemplate life's greatest mystery: Why does corn look the same coming out as it does going in?

6:00 a.m. Janitor clock-in: I'm so happy to see you! I've had a crappy 24 hours, dude. Whoa, another busload of teenagers? They're the miscreants of bathroom etiquette! Let's just slap a "BIOHAZARDOUS MATERIALS INSIDE" sign on my stall door and call it a day...

     I was several months pregnant and home alone with two toddlers when my husband went on an overnight field trip to the Everglades with our oldest son. I was looking forward to having a little peace and quiet that evening, so shortly after tucking my daughters into bed, I curled up on the sofa with a good book and a bowl of popcorn.

     I had barely finished the first chapter when I felt a sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I'd had a large glass of water with my dinner, so I thought nothing of the urgency to pee. But ten minutes later, the pressure on my bladder returned… and then again…and again. Each time I tried to pee, I felt an uncomfortable pinching sensation that increased with each visit to the restroom.

     Two hours and ten bathroom trips later, I was doubled over in pain on the couch. Panic set in because I had no clue what was going on with my irritable bladder.

     Unable to reach my husband by phone, I did the next best thing and called my mother once the pain became unbearable. She calmly explained that I had what her generation called the "honeymoon disease"---a urinary tract infection. Fortunately, my sister was nearby, and after a quick call to my OB/GYN to explain the situation, she was able to deliver the antibiotics I desperately needed to clear the infection. Had I been informed earlier about UTIs and preventative measures, I might not have had to suffer the discomfort and fear that I did that evening.

                                                       * * * * * * * * * * * * *

     Last month I wrote a blog post on the symptoms and factors that contribute to urinary tract infections in women like me who are peri-menopausal or menopausal (you can read it HERE). Today, I'm sharing part two in my sponsored series for the Uristat campaign to educate women on the myths of UTIs, which includes preventative measures that can be taken to avoid recurring infections.

 
      Many of my blog posts focus on the symptoms that peri-menopausal and menopausal women face as they approach midlife, such as irregular periods, frequent mood swings, fatigue, hot flashes, weight gain and night sweats. But there's another symptom that occurs during this time in a woman's life that is seldom discussed: urinary tract infections (UTIs).

     Today I'm pleased to be taking part in the Uristat "Never on Pause" Education Campaign to share some important information on UTIs with my community of readers, and with anyone who may be a little shy about discussing this painful yet common type of infection.

     Did you know that one in three women will experience a urinary tract infection by the time they reach 25? And that 40-50% of the female population will experience the infection at some point in their lifetime? Contrary to the myth that UTIs only occur in women, 12% of the male population are also susceptible to UTIs. The infection begins in the urinary system, which includes the kidneys, ureters, bladder and the urethra. A UTI occurs once bacteria enters the urinary system through the urethra. There are several factors that contribute to the onset of a UTI:

*Sexual activity

*Certain birth control

*Pregnancy

*Menopause

*Urinary tract abnormalities

*Impaired immune system

*Catheterization

*Complications in the urinary tract

*Previous UTIs

*The female anatomy.


     UTIs are even more common among peri-menopausal and menopausal women due to a decrease in estrogen production, which makes a woman's urinary tract more susceptible to the "bad bacteria" that causes infections. 53% of women over the age of 55 experience recurring UTIs as well (on average, three infections during a twelve-month span). Please be aware that the symptoms often begin with the need to urinate frequently, and can be accompanied by a painful or burning sensation while urinating. The urine may be cloudy, bloody (pink or brown colored) and have a strong odor. Pelvic pain, pressure and cramping in the lower abdomen or back may also occur along with fever and chills.

     It's important that a woman who is experiencing these symptoms see her physician as soon as possible so that proper antibiotics can be prescribed. Although some UTIs may subside on their own, the infection can also spread to the kidneys and cause serious damage. But there is no need to suffer through the discomfort of a UTI while waiting for the doctor's appointment or for the antibiotic to kick in. The good news is that there is now an over-the-counter medicine that will help reduce the uncomfortable symptoms of the infection.  From the makers of MONISTAT comes URISTAT Pain Relief Tablets, which are specifically designed for fast, temporary relief of pain, burning and frequent urinating associated with a urinary tract infection. Each tablet contains phenazopyridine HCI, which is the #1 doctor recommended OTC ingredient for relief from UTI pain. URISTAT Pain Relief Tablets can be taken as soon as the the symptoms are detected, and while being treated with antibiotics.

     To determine whether or not a UTI is present before meeting with a physician, URISTAT has available a convenient Relief Pak that includes a test strip for detecting white blood cells and Nitrate in the urine, which can indicate the presence of a UTI. Each URISTAT Relief Pak comes with one test strip and twelve URISTAT Pain Relief Tablets.

     URISTAT products are available in many drugstores and online retailers across the country, including Walgreens, Walmart, Kmart, Rite Aid, Kinney Drugs and drugstore.com

     For more information about UTIs ad URISTAT, please is it www.uristat.com  and download a $1 off coupon by clicking  HERE.

***This is part one of two in my series on UTI education. My next post later in June will discuss the myths of UTIs and prevention measures, plus my personal story of discomfort while dealing with an annoying UTI.

***I received a free product and promotional consideration from the makers of URISTAT. Any comments I have made on the product are a reflection of my own views.  
   

    Welcome to the April edition of Fly On the Wall groups postings, hosted by  Baking In A Tornado.  Today, 15 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes.
 
    As for my house, there has been a lot of yawning going on. Lately, I'm always tired. The Hubs is tired too, and now the teen is tired. Heck, I'm beginning to feel envious of my dogs because they get to nap all day long. I'm trying to combat my drowsiness with more coffee, but even after several cups of java strong enough to wake the dead, I'm STILL yawning at the gym and dreaming of when I can curl up on my Tempur-Pedic.

     Here's a glimpse of some odd, conversational tidbits going on around me while I was trying to sneak in a few cat naps over the weekends:


"I wish our female dog was spayed. When she gets her period, she leaves her doggy DNA all over the new carpet."

"Why don't stores sell elephant print leggings for working out?"
"Because no sane woman would wear elephants plastered all over her butt and thighs while doing squats at the gym."

"Don't bother me while I'm writing."
"Are you working on the new book?"
"Nope. This little piece is known as Book Proposal Purgatory."

"When you have A.D.D., your brain is like a computer with 20 tabs open all at once."

"You know we can't afford another car, Hon. You can still squeeze a few more years out of that 1999 Honda Odyssey minivan."
"That's easy for you to say! I'm the only man in Broward County driving the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car from hell."

"When it comes to quality time in the bathroom, our son defies the success of any odor-eliminating spray."

"Nana, do you want a lobster roll or lobster ravioli for dinner?"
"No thank you. I don't like my lobster adulterated."

"I'm convinced that stemless wine glasses were invented for sloppy drunks."

"On Pinterest, it says that pinning a dryer sheet to your shirt will ward off mosquitoes when you're outside.  I have a better idea---just pin a poopy diaper to your hat. I'm pretty sure that would keep the mosquitoes away."
"Yeah, but then you'd be inviting the flies to a feast."

"I'm so full from dinner, I feel like someone put a sandbag in my stomach."

"It doesn't matter if you're in your 80's---you can still join a Cross Fit Class. But it will have a different name----like "Wheel Chair Aerobics" or "Walker Workout."

"If you eat that blueberry, raisin, and apple bran muffin before going to Zumba, you're going to end up with fruit flavored flatulence at the gym."

"After all the margaritas I've consumed tonight, I think the last mosquito that just bit me is going to be hungover for a week."

     Pee-u! This fly got stuck in the stink house! Today I'm participating in another Fly On The Wall Group posting with 14 other bloggers, hosted by Karen at Baking In A Tornado. I don't think the fly knew what hit him when he became privy to all the stinky things going on in our home. I'm talking clogged toilets and methane gas. If you have a sensitive stomach or can't handle poop talk, now would be a good time to strap on some nose plugs or exit the area.

     If you were a fly on the wall in my house, you would have gagged while overhearing the following conversations (and the smells) this month:

"Don't leave the baby's dirty diaper out where the dog can get to it. That's a diaper bean enchilada to him."

"It smells really bad in the bathroom. What did you do, poop out an entire cow?"

"The kind of goat cheese they make in Missouri is NOT the kind of goat cheese you want to eat on a cracker."

"I just got extra carbs from breathing in the pug's fart."

" I had no idea our granddaughter could scream so loud. She sounds like she needs a priest to come in and perform an exorcism."

"I'm the taco to your hotdog."
"What? I'm not a kielbasa?"

"You can't eat your dinner if you have poop on your hands."

"I had a dream last night that I was back in the 7th grade. The problem was that I still had my goatee and chest hairs."

"I'm going to start a toenail farm. I'll harvest toenails for people in need."

"I haven't showered in three days. My nether region smells like road kill."

"Every dinner at the Doyle house is like a Man vs Food episode."

"No playing with your donut hole!"

"I can't handle listening to you guys sing Annie Lennox's 'Sweet Dreams' in unison. The Von Trapp family you are NOT."
"That's because we're the spin-off group called, "The Von Crapp Family."

"Your feet look like the claw feet on a Griffin leg tub."

"Forget buying Hot Pockets. We have Fart Pockets."

"I just did a manatee shart out of my blow hole."

"Hey Mom----did you know you can donate your eggs to a fertility clinic for $8000.00?"
"Mom's eggs are too old. They're scrambled…..but you should have seen the egg beater that Dad used."

"You're not just out in left field….you're in the lot NEXT to left field."

"There are so many holes in my underwear that sometimes my toe catches in them and trips me."
"That's due to your high flatulence level."
"No, it's due to the work of the Bung Hole Fairies."

"I'm so desperate for work that I applied for a job as a Hula dancer at a Polynesian restaurant."
"Honey, I don't think they're hiring men for that position."

"Someone should invent a special poop glove. It could be washable and lavender scented. It would give new meaning to the term 'Pooper Scooper.' Even better, if you put rotating bristles on it, you could sell it as a Star Wars edition. May The Poop Be With You."

     Forget a fly swatter. Anyone got a can of Glade Air Freshener?



******AWESOME time for Meno Mama! Featured on Huffington Post TWICE this week, along with a post appearing on the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. You can find me here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/benefits-of-aging_b_5465465.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/benefits-of-aging_b_5465465.html
http://humorwriters.org/2014/06/13/10-reasons-go-renaissance-festival

Please visit the homes of the other bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall. Hopefully their homes won't be as stinky as mine!

   
 Welcome to another edition of the Fly On The Wall group challenge, hosted by Karen of http://www.bakinginatornado.com  13 bloggers are participating today and inviting you to catch a glimpse of what REALLY goes on in their homes when they think no one is looking.  But the fly knows, and he's here to give away all of his secrets.
     When the fly came to my house this month, he saw what makes me happiest: time spent with my family and the freedom to blog about them. I love the quirkiness that runs in our gene pool and have always taught my children to embrace their inner weirdness.
     If you were a fly on the wall at my house, you would have overheard some of these oddball comments in our home:

"Close your mouth while you're eating. You sound like a cow chewing cud."

"I can't eat my scrambled eggs by the window anymore. The pigeons on the sill think I'm eating their cousins."

"Any teenager who sprays Axe throughout the house deserves a good throttling."

"When the office pooper takes a break, everyone knows it's goin' down in toilet town."

"I just burped up a piece of chicken and re-chewed it. That was my after dinner snack."

"I saw lots of spandex camel toes at the gym today."

"What are you doing with this fossilized granola bar in your purse---saving it for the zombie apocalypse?"

"For Christmas, I'm going to ask Santa for an artificial urinary sphincter."

"The pugs are tearing the sofa pillows apart!"
"Ahh….but the entertainment value of a pug tug-of-war is priceless."

"I gave you the energy drink so that you'd be pumped up to do yard work, not play air guitar with a rake!"

"Got a new bag of nuts for you, son."
"Are you saying I need to grow a pair?"

"I was on a safari in the bathroom and I just spotted a South African toilet snake."

"Nutella is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"No….just fat."

"This coffee doesn't work for me anymore. I think someone is punking me by filling the pot with decaf."

"I tried to hide the Halloween candy but our son is like a drug sniffing dog when it comes to chocolate."

     Hope you enjoyed your little visit to Happy Town, where toilets require a double flush and the air smells like Axe cologne.  Be sure to stop by and visit all of the other bloggers crazy enough to share a  personal slice of their home life with you!


***Check out Meno Mama's weekly post over at In The Powder Room. This time I'm talking about what makes a friend your BEST friend! Click on the link: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-11-12-reasons-best-friend.html