Friday, January 9, 2015

Ladies' Restroom Etiquette 101


     I've gone to the bathroom in some strange places. Swamps, mountain trails and a roadside stop in Italy where the toilet was a hole in the ground with strips of torn newspaper used as toilet paper. I've come to the conclusion that in America, there's a misconception floating around about the fairer sex being the neater, cleaner sex. Anyone who walks into a ladies' public restroom knows this a myth. A sign stating,  “BIOHAZARDOUS MATERIALS INSIDE” should be posted outside these doors.

     My daughters both work in corporate offices and we agree that certain rules of bathroom etiquette need to be enforced there. No one wants to be the habitual office pooper, but sometimes you just have to make a bombing run. If you're the stinker in the stall, the next person in line will be accused of leaving the smell, especially if there's hang time to it. Everyone knows who the token office pooper is. Just steer clear of the restroom once she finishes her morning business.

     Every corporate office also has a stall stalker. These polite ladies sit quietly in a stall and wait for everyone to leave so they can uncork the results of last night's chicken wing binge fest. These women are known for stalking secret stalls in the office building, even if it's a long elevator ride up to the handicapped stall on the twenty-fifth floor.

     Pubic restrooms are the stuff that nightmares are made of. College taught me never to use a pub bathroom after 11:00pm because inevitably someone was crying or puking up beer in the stalls. Impromptu roadtrips from my youth also proved to be a lesson in courage when the only available bathrooms were at lone gas stations in the middle of Nowheresville. I'm pretty certain those pit stops were the inspiration behind many Stephen King novels.


     On a recent family vacation, I lost count of the times I played musical bathroom stalls at truck stops with my daughters. We never knew what lurked behind door number one, two or three, forcing us to play potty roulette. Most of the restrooms we visited smelled like a fisherman's wharf and had not seen a janitor's mop since Bush was in office. There were enough hairs left behind to knit a small sweater and the sanitary product disposal boxes were filled to capacity with mummified tampons.

     I understand a woman's need to squat like a sumo wrestler over the toilet bowl to avoid the germ infested seat. But ladies, if you're going to spray like a cat marking her territory, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. If you're there to do some serious business, do us all a favor and flush the toilet. I don't need to know that your last meal included corn.

     Whether it's laziness or just plain forgetfulness, there are plenty of women out there who would benefit from a refresher course in Bathroom Manners 101. In the meantime, when my daughters and I hit the road, we'll be packing Public Restroom Survival Kits (complete with rubber gloves and industrial size antibacterial soap). Hopefully we'll be able to right the wrongs of women's bad bathroom habits---one toilet at a time.


***FUN NEWS*** I was a guest this week on NBC's 6 in the Mix to promote my new book! It was a great experience and you can bet I'll be blogging about it soon…. 



    

62 comments:

  1. Marcia, this is spot on... if there is no way for me to wait until I get home, I am the stalker who will go to great lengths to find the lone washroom no one rarely goes too... lol ... I have been the recipient to many of the others. I work in a very respectable office, yet for a while they had to have notes on the washroom doors reminding people to flush... Really?? I could never imagine not flushing... WOW..

    I do hope all is going well for you and that you are having fun promoting your book and getting some great sales xox

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    1. Thanks, Launna! It has been an interesting journey so far. I do the same thing about bathrooms---I want my privacy and always look for the empty ones.

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  2. Oh my, this is so true. I've been in my fair share of crummy bathrooms. And I agree - clean up after yourselves, ladies:) A little courtesy goes a long way. I'm one of those people who wipes down the counters as well.

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    1. You ARE good! Yeah, the wet bathroom counters always freak me out a bit. Breeding ground for germs.

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  3. Hahahah!!! I wrote an article about this a year or so ago...This is some funny shi...stuff...

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  4. Absolutely no question about it you are right on the money with this. Bathroom roulette--I play it daily in public places!

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    1. I try to get in right after the janitor has been there to sterilize it, ha-ha.

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  5. Having traveled quite alot I have seen many bathroom horrors and women are way worse than men are. I hate to say that but there have been times when I have had hubby guard the door because the women's was just to rank to even attempt!

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    1. I hear ya! I've used the men's room plenty of times----especially at concerts when the ladies line was too long or just too disgusting to enter!

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  6. I may have to print this out for my coworkers. Spot on!

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    1. Thank you! That's a great idea, too. Tack it on the bathroom door, ha-ha!

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  7. OMG! You are one born humorist. Can't stop laughing after reading this post:) But even this so true!! Sometimes I feel really scared while opening the doors of some toilets in the "ladies restroom;" thinking whoever has closed the door after them- must have left something- definitely!! So Beware!

    Hope we all learn to little care for others' too sometimes!
    Great Post :)

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    1. Thank you!! It really is true. I think I'd prefer peeing out in the woods to using some of the rest stop bathrooms I've been seen!

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  8. I laughed so hard I cried. Hilarious. "Hang time..." Snort laughing.

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    1. Aren''t those the worst?!? I was at the gym the other day and when I walked into the bathroom, I about died from the awful smell. Then I got all paranoid, thinking that the NEXT person to come into the stall would think that I was the one who left the stink bomb with the hang time!!!

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  9. You cracked me up. Only the timing I read this is bad...I had the window open from morning and I read it after lunch...yikes...many of us must have experienced most of these. And I never understood, why people don't look back and see if they have flushed properly or not? I want everyone single soul to read this.

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    1. You just made my day, Found In Folsom. Please feel free to share away! Thank you!

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  10. Good thing I read this one on an empty stomach. I was laughing as my stomach was doing flips.

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    1. Yeah---this probably isn't good reading material while you're eating….

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  11. My first job was as a janitor's assistant in a Kress Department Store and my job was to cleasn out the restrooms. I've known about messy ladies rooms for a long time.

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    1. O.M.G. I cannot even begin to imagine the horrors you have seen…..

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  12. So true, Marcia! I'm not on commission or anything, but I feel like everyone needs to carry the product "Trap A Crap"! This sucker works and will definitely make each of us hate each other less. ;-) (P.S. Loved the sumo wrestler, spraying like a cat bit, LOL!)

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  13. That's why it's a curse that I own a collection of distinctive shoes. I can never be the stinker, because they're a dead giveaway.

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    1. Right??? I HATE when I go into the ladies room for a bit of privacy…only to have another woman waltz in and take the stall right next to mine---even when there are 30 other empty stalls in the place….WTF?

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  14. Ha, ha!! I was thinking to myself who the "office pooper" is and who to avoid because she NEVER washes her hands. Blech!! My dad owns a bar and he will tell you that, hands down, women are WAAAAAAAY worse than men in the bathroom.

    Fun piece Marcia!!

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    1. Oh gawd, bar bathrooms are the worst . And the hand washing thing----steer clear of that woman!!!

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  15. Soooooo true! (And funny!) It's also appalling to see how many women don't even bother washing their hands after they come out of one of those germ-infested stalls. (gag)

    Congrats on you new book! Judging by the number of reviews you have on Amazon, it must be selling really well. I just bought my copy!

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    1. Wow!! Thank you so much, Susan! I hope you like it. Please feel free to write a review when you're done---I'd be thrilled if you could! <3

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    2. I LOVED it, and posted a review on both Goodreads and Amazon. (What a good girl... um, old broad... am I.)

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    3. You are AWESOME!! I just read the review---by far one of my favorites. Thank you soooo much for doing that! Mwhaaaa! <3

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  16. I recently brought a little bottle of Poo-Pourri to work. And it really does get the job done! (Yes, pun intended). This post is hilarious and so so true. I had to share it with co-workers too.

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  17. When we were at Disney last month, I considered it quite a coup if I could find a stall that had just been cleaned by the janitors - otherwise, blech! Can I order one of your Restroom Survival Kits please :)!

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    1. Ha-Ha!! Disney is pretty good about keeping the bathrooms clean---but like you, I tend to wait until I see the janitor comes out before I run in.

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  18. I so hear ya, there ares some disgusting people out there and some companies that have zero toilet cleaners which make a tip to the loo a horrible experience that said there are also some toilets that no matter what one does will always look dark, yucky, this I know as way back when I was a cleaner and the downstairs toilet in the building always looked creepy didn't matter what we did it never seemed to me to be really clean

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    1. Those nasty stains in the tile around the base of a toilet never really do come out…..

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  19. Congrats on the NBC feature!!

    I laughed at your write-up here. Women's restrooms can be soooooooooooooooo disgusting. It's like good customer service, when you find a good one, you're shocked. :)

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  20. When I traveled for work, I used to dread public restrooms, the mess, the chaos, and the horror of the auto-flush that activated before I was done...

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    1. I HATE THE AUTO FLUSH!!!! I've been sprayed more times than I can count!!

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  21. Travel tip: McDonalds' is your friend. I'll hold it three exits to get to the next Mickey Dees. But, out bit of etiquette here: pay to play. If you use the clean potties at the Golden Arches, at least buy a small cup of coffee before your depart. It's just good manners.

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    1. OMG I'm cracking up!! I love this, Kim! Yes---Mickey Dees is one of the places I always hunt for when we're on the road. Oh--and I agree, the coffee is a must…because it keeps me peeing even more….

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  22. I'm sorry but you ladies are nasty when it comes to public bathrooms. Womens restrooms are the worst. They are usually a mess. Every girl I have known says this about them. What the heck do you all do in there? LOL!

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    1. Sooo true, Phil. Luckily, I'm not one of these ladies. But I have been scarred by what I've seen in the restrooms……especially the road side stops. Which is why I tend to sneak into the mens' rooms….

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  23. I've always wondered why they are sometimes called 'rest rooms'. Gives a whole new meaning to the word 'rest'.

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  24. "Potty roulette!" So funny! And I love the photos of your hubby! He's such a good sport!

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    1. I always tell people my hubs is half of the Menopausal Mother equation. Not only does he give me crazy funny ideas to write about, he also poses for many the blog pictures, God bless him! XO

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  25. Marcia, as someone with bladder issues, I can sooooo relate!!

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    1. YESSSS! I have to stop every damn hour on the road to pee and I dread it every time because I never know what I'm going to encounter!

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  26. Why are women such pigs?

    There's a complete devil-may-care attitude going on.
    "I'm done, and I won't come back here, so why should I clean up?"
    "It was that way before I arrived."
    "I clean up after the guys at home all the time. I won't be doing it here!"

    As a frequent pee-er I can totally relate.

    Thanks for a fun read, Marcia!

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    1. I think everything you said here is true----that's probably exactly what goes through many a woman's thought process when leaving a public bathroom.

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  27. guess it goes around similarly across the globe.

    Happy new year.
    take care :)

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    1. Agreed! Thank you and Happy New year to you, too!

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  28. I'll admit to being the secret stall stalker and the office pooper. My digestive system is weird so there is no corking it off until later. If I gotta poop I'm gonna poop, damn it!

    Also, may I recommend buying Poo-Pourri? LOL

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    1. Heading to the store now to buy it so that I'll have it handy for emergencies….

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  29. I soo agree. Restroom etiquette should be a must for everyone everywhere. A little consideration goes a long way.

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  30. Last summer I went to Toronto Centre Island - a ten-minute ferry ride from the mainland - and walked around with them, and when I had to pee we tried to find a toilet to use, and they were all, I swear to Goddess, *right out of the Third World*!!! I'd never seen anything so disgusting. My friend Steve of course was all like, "Well, go pee in the bushes," but I was afraid of what all women are afraid of: A) Someone might see me B) Something might fly up there and C) My middle-aged lardbutt will become the next Instagram viral star. We finally found one near a playground that had one decent stall in it.

    Just remember: Bill Gates is working on a solution to turn pee into potable water, and the Japanese (of course!) are working on...I kid you not...a Turdburger...

    nhabitat.com/poop-burger-japanese-researcher-creates-artificial-meat-from-human-feces/

    There. I just thought you'd want to know.

    Now you've learned something new today.

    You're welcome. :)

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    1. O.M.G. Turdburger??? I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth….

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