Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to a special edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Nine bloggers are inviting you into their homes today to be a fly on the wall. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I first began writing the FOW's two years ago because I wanted a way to remember all of the crazy stuff that came out of the mouths of my family members. I participate in FOW posts 12 times a year, and enjoy sharing the "best of the best" from each year with you. Today I'm recalling some of my favorite remarks that were shared on the blog in 2014.



"Whenever I take my laptop outside, I can't Wi-Fi.  All I get is the spinning wheel of death on my screen."

"You need to do something about that loose toenail. It looks like a tortilla chip on your foot."

"Why on earth did you buy a red star for the top of the tree? We now have a brothel Christmas tree."

"I hate dieting. My stomach is so hungry, it's eating itself."

"You told me this spray tan in a can stuff works. So how come I look like a patchwork quilt?"
"Didn't you read the directions? You're supposed to spray it from 6 feet away."
"How is that humanly possible? My arms aren't 6 feet long!"
"This house runs on love, laughter and chilled bottles of wine."

" I can't enjoy the Christmas feast this year without feeling guilty. You've demonized all the calories."

"Everyone knows you're the twisted branch in the family tree."

"Do you think the IRS will let us use your food baby as a tax deduction?"

"We need to ask my mom for some parenting advice on our son. He's making me crazy."
"Isn't she the one who tied your brother to a clothesline in the backyard while she did the laundry?"
"Like I said, she has the best advice when it comes to raising boys."

"You're really good at crafting words into stupid."

"Stop rubbing my leg with your wolverine toes."

"Note to self: Just because the zumba teacher is twerking in class does not mean that I have to. My back will never be the same."
"I'm so full, I have belly girth. Do they sell Spanx for men?"

"Oh look! The dog is dragging her butt across the carpet. If she picks up enough dust particles, I won't have to vacuum. She's a pug butt Swifter."

"Hangover is such a harsh word. Let's just say I have the wine flu."

"His snoring is driving me crazy. He sounds like a truffle-sniffing pig when he sleeps."

"You would have made a good pirate."
"Why? Because of my thirst for rum?"
"No---because of the grunting noises you make when you eat meat….and the fact that you haven't showered in three days."

"I think it's time to go shopping. My underwear drawer looks like it has been ravaged by moths."

"My liver better hurry up and regenerate because I've been drinking a lot lately."
"Sprinkle Miracle Grow on it. Better yet, start a liver harvesting farm: cornfed and hormone free."
"If I didn't know any better, I'd swear your mother dropped you on your head when you were born."

"He has an intestine longer than I-95….which explains why his poop is the size of a nuclear sub."

"It's obvious you're a holiday hoarder. You need a decoration intervention."
"You have the memory cells of a gnat."

"Every dinner at the Doyle house is like a Man vs Food episode."

"Mom, can I borrow twenty bucks?"
"I don't have it. I just donated all my money to the alpaca rescue fund."

"I had no idea our granddaughter could scream so loud. She sounds like she needs a priest to come in and perform an exorcism."

"If you eat too much couscous, the grains become time bombs. Once they hit the bottom of your gut, they detonate."

"Why is there a two hour special on TV about A.D.D.? People with the disorder can't sit that long to watch it. They'll lose focus after the first five minutes."

"One of the things on my bucket list is to do the running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain."
"At your age, it will be more like running with the mules."






 

    Welcome to the April edition of Fly On the Wall groups postings, hosted by  Baking In A Tornado.  Today, 15 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes.
 
    As for my house, there has been a lot of yawning going on. Lately, I'm always tired. The Hubs is tired too, and now the teen is tired. Heck, I'm beginning to feel envious of my dogs because they get to nap all day long. I'm trying to combat my drowsiness with more coffee, but even after several cups of java strong enough to wake the dead, I'm STILL yawning at the gym and dreaming of when I can curl up on my Tempur-Pedic.

     Here's a glimpse of some odd, conversational tidbits going on around me while I was trying to sneak in a few cat naps over the weekends:


"I wish our female dog was spayed. When she gets her period, she leaves her doggy DNA all over the new carpet."

"Why don't stores sell elephant print leggings for working out?"
"Because no sane woman would wear elephants plastered all over her butt and thighs while doing squats at the gym."

"Don't bother me while I'm writing."
"Are you working on the new book?"
"Nope. This little piece is known as Book Proposal Purgatory."

"When you have A.D.D., your brain is like a computer with 20 tabs open all at once."

"You know we can't afford another car, Hon. You can still squeeze a few more years out of that 1999 Honda Odyssey minivan."
"That's easy for you to say! I'm the only man in Broward County driving the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car from hell."

"When it comes to quality time in the bathroom, our son defies the success of any odor-eliminating spray."

"Nana, do you want a lobster roll or lobster ravioli for dinner?"
"No thank you. I don't like my lobster adulterated."

"I'm convinced that stemless wine glasses were invented for sloppy drunks."

"On Pinterest, it says that pinning a dryer sheet to your shirt will ward off mosquitoes when you're outside.  I have a better idea---just pin a poopy diaper to your hat. I'm pretty sure that would keep the mosquitoes away."
"Yeah, but then you'd be inviting the flies to a feast."

"I'm so full from dinner, I feel like someone put a sandbag in my stomach."

"It doesn't matter if you're in your 80's---you can still join a Cross Fit Class. But it will have a different name----like "Wheel Chair Aerobics" or "Walker Workout."

"If you eat that blueberry, raisin, and apple bran muffin before going to Zumba, you're going to end up with fruit flavored flatulence at the gym."

"After all the margaritas I've consumed tonight, I think the last mosquito that just bit me is going to be hungover for a week."

     Welcome to another edition of the Fly On The Wall group posts. Today 12 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you'd see if you were a fly buzzing around their homes.

     The fly got an earful in my home this month. Lots of shenanigans going on around here because I have been mentally "absent." While I've had my nose buried in book edits, my family has taken over all the household duties.  Jealous? Don't be. It was all fun and games until dinners became the mummified remnants unearthed from the bottom of the freezer drawer.



"Why did you just squirt hair conditioner up my nose?"
"I thought your nose hairs needed to be detangled."

"Dare me to take a bite of this dog food?"
"If you do, I will never kiss you again."

"Our kids are like livestock…..they graze on food all day and they're full of bull."

"Please watch the dog when you take him out, or else he'll eat his poop."
"Don't worry---he doesn't eat the fresh ones. He only likes the day-old poops that have some crunch to them."

"They're talking about you on the news again."
"Huh? You mean the 100 pounds of marijuana they confiscated today?"
"Yeah---they said it was a 'big bust'."

"Mom, can I borrow twenty bucks?"
"I don't have it. I just donated all my money to the alpaca rescue fund."

"If you eat too much couscous, the grains become time bombs. Once they hit the bottom of your gut, they detonate."


"Why is there a two hour special on TV about A.D.D.? People with the disorder can't sit that long to watch it. They'll lose focus after the first five minutes."

"If you continue to annoy me, I'm going to turn you into a human bird feeder. I'll strap your butt to a chair and slather you in molasses and sunflower seeds."

"I hope you're not wearing that dirty shirt to the pet store. It looks like you've been rolling in grass and mud."
"Would you prefer that I wear my 'Cat, The Other White Meat' t-shirt wen I go to pick up the dog food?"

"When did I become the official pooper scooper in the family?"
"The same day you became the official toilet plunger."

"One of the things on my bucket list is to do the running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain."
"At your age, it will be more like running with the mules."


     Last but not least, the fly got a real kick out of watching me make a fool of myself this week. Yes, I participated in the ALS ice bucket challenge and I'm sharing the video here so that you can laugh at my expense. Baby, that ice bath was COLD!!!!!

     I lost both my aunt and my grandmother to ALS, so it's important to me to spread the word about this debilitating disease. If you can't handle having an ice bucket dumped on your head, please consider donating to the ALS fund. Better yet, be brave and do both! Here's where you can donate: http://www.alsa.org/donate/. Or here: http://www.ALS.NET


     WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week you can find my featured post on Humor Outcasts. Read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/eight-people-i-love-to-hate-at-the-gym/