Friday, May 20, 2016

Fly On The Wall: All-Time Favorite Remarks (Part Two)

     Welcome to a special edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Nine bloggers are inviting you into their homes today to be a fly on the wall. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I first began writing the FOW's two years ago because I wanted a way to remember all of the crazy stuff that came out of the mouths of my family members. I participate in FOW posts 12 times a year, and enjoy sharing the "best of the best" from each year with you. Today I'm recalling some of my favorite remarks that were shared on the blog in 2014.

"Whenever I take my laptop outside, I can't Wi-Fi.  All I get is the spinning wheel of death on my screen."

"You need to do something about that loose toenail. It looks like a tortilla chip on your foot."

"Why on earth did you buy a red star for the top of the tree? We now have a brothel Christmas tree."

"I hate dieting. My stomach is so hungry, it's eating itself."

"You told me this spray tan in a can stuff works. So how come I look like a patchwork quilt?"
"Didn't you read the directions? You're supposed to spray it from 6 feet away."
"How is that humanly possible? My arms aren't 6 feet long!"

"This house runs on love, laughter and chilled bottles of wine."

" I can't enjoy the Christmas feast this year without feeling guilty. You've demonized all the calories."

"Everyone knows you're the twisted branch in the family tree."

"Do you think the IRS will let us use your food baby as a tax deduction?"

"We need to ask my mom for some parenting advice on our son. He's making me crazy."
"Isn't she the one who tied your brother to a clothesline in the backyard while she did the laundry?"
"Like I said, she has the best advice when it comes to raising boys."

"You're really good at crafting words into stupid."

"Stop rubbing my leg with your wolverine toes."

"Note to self: Just because the zumba teacher is twerking in class does not mean that I have to. My back will never be the same."

"I'm so full, I have belly girth. Do they sell Spanx for men?"

"Oh look! The dog is dragging her butt across the carpet. If she picks up enough dust particles, I won't have to vacuum. She's a pug butt Swifter."

"Hangover is such a harsh word. Let's just say I have the wine flu."

"His snoring is driving me crazy. He sounds like a truffle-sniffing pig when he sleeps."

"You would have made a good pirate."
"Why? Because of my thirst for rum?"
"No---because of the grunting noises you make when you eat meat….and the fact that you haven't showered in three days."

"I think it's time to go shopping. My underwear drawer looks like it has been ravaged by moths."

"My liver better hurry up and regenerate because I've been drinking a lot lately."
"Sprinkle Miracle Grow on it. Better yet, start a liver harvesting farm: cornfed and hormone free."
"If I didn't know any better, I'd swear your mother dropped you on your head when you were born."

"He has an intestine longer than I-95….which explains why his poop is the size of a nuclear sub."

"It's obvious you're a holiday hoarder. You need a decoration intervention."

"You have the memory cells of a gnat."

"Every dinner at the Doyle house is like a Man vs Food episode."

"Mom, can I borrow twenty bucks?"
"I don't have it. I just donated all my money to the alpaca rescue fund."

"I had no idea our granddaughter could scream so loud. She sounds like she needs a priest to come in and perform an exorcism."

"If you eat too much couscous, the grains become time bombs. Once they hit the bottom of your gut, they detonate."

"Why is there a two hour special on TV about A.D.D.? People with the disorder can't sit that long to watch it. They'll lose focus after the first five minutes."

"One of the things on my bucket list is to do the running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain."
"At your age, it will be more like running with the mules."

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

Juicebox Confession                                     
Menopausal Mother                                   
Spatulas on Parade                                 
Searching for Sanity                                 
Never Ever Give Up Hope                           
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                     
Southern Belle Charm                                 
My Brain on Kids                     



  1. Tortilla chip toenail and wine flu, you're killing me! These are great!

  2. The remarks are quite funny especially out of context!
    I can help you purge those decorations---ha ha!!

    1. C'mon over and I'll give you a box of Xmas decor.

  3. Thanks for the Friday gigglefest and for giving us all those lovely links...I followed your blogging breadcrumb and was so happy I did. Thank you, thank you! Hope this weekend treats you kindly. :)

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by and checking out all the blogs!

  4. What a great idea Marcia. I bet they brought back a lot of memories. NOW I can see your purple hair -- YOU ROCK :)

    1. Hahahahaha now you see it! Yes--I love the memories that these old remarks bring up.

  5. OMG, I'm dying of laughter here! These are awesome!~

  6. You picked some of my favorites, but the one I relate to the most has to be "This house runs on love, laughter and chilled bottles of wine." Sometimes I don't even have time to chill them . . .

    1. Hey, I've been forced to drink warm white wine before when I was desperate....

  7. Oh my god! These are so funny! I tried to discreetly read them at work and was laughing so hard that I had to take a "bathroom break". You're always hilarious!

  8. From now on I will no longer be suffering a hangover and will call it the "wine flu". Using this one most definitely! Love!

  9. Running with the mules? lol... I think a mule could outrun me... lol... How is that alpaca rescue fund? I am going to use this the next time my daughter asks me for money... haha... she can't complain, I am trying to help an animal... you are so funny, you might want to talk to someone about you decoration hoarding.. (I don't want to see you on the Hoarders show one day buried under your decorations... lol)

    1. My husband lives with the same fear----that Hoarders will one day feature my home.....

  10. I have a Pug-Butt Swiffer. Love it........he takes care of the floors when I have wine flu.

  11. Fantastic round up, Marcia. My favorite although hard to choose just one; "You're really good at crafting words into stupid."

    Who does that one belong to? :D

  12. Apparently my mum was tied to the clothesline as a kid too, now why isn't that one in the parenting books nowadays? Did you ever find out whether the IRS considers food babies a proper tax deduction? I'm asking for a friend.

    1. I plan on using my food baby next year as my tax deduction....although this time I think it's twins.....

  13. Thanks for making me smile. This one made me laugh out loud. "Hangover is such a harsh word. Let's just say I have the wine flu."

    1. I get that wine flu a little too often these days....

  14. I particularly liked the 'twisted branch in the family tree' jibe. You never fail to make me smile.

    1. Thanks! Seriously, Hubs really does come from the twisted branch side.....

  15. Wine flu. Love it! I'm sharing it with my friend - she's a lush. LOL



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