Menopausal Mother

     Pee-u! This fly got stuck in the stink house! Today I'm participating in another Fly On The Wall Group posting with 14 other bloggers, hosted by Karen at Baking In A Tornado. I don't think the fly knew what hit him when he became privy to all the stinky things going on in our home. I'm talking clogged toilets and methane gas. If you have a sensitive stomach or can't handle poop talk, now would be a good time to strap on some nose plugs or exit the area.

     If you were a fly on the wall in my house, you would have gagged while overhearing the following conversations (and the smells) this month:

"Don't leave the baby's dirty diaper out where the dog can get to it. That's a diaper bean enchilada to him."

"It smells really bad in the bathroom. What did you do, poop out an entire cow?"

"The kind of goat cheese they make in Missouri is NOT the kind of goat cheese you want to eat on a cracker."

"I just got extra carbs from breathing in the pug's fart."

" I had no idea our granddaughter could scream so loud. She sounds like she needs a priest to come in and perform an exorcism."

"I'm the taco to your hotdog."
"What? I'm not a kielbasa?"

"You can't eat your dinner if you have poop on your hands."

"I had a dream last night that I was back in the 7th grade. The problem was that I still had my goatee and chest hairs."

"I'm going to start a toenail farm. I'll harvest toenails for people in need."

"I haven't showered in three days. My nether region smells like road kill."

"Every dinner at the Doyle house is like a Man vs Food episode."

"No playing with your donut hole!"

"I can't handle listening to you guys sing Annie Lennox's 'Sweet Dreams' in unison. The Von Trapp family you are NOT."
"That's because we're the spin-off group called, "The Von Crapp Family."

"Your feet look like the claw feet on a Griffin leg tub."

"Forget buying Hot Pockets. We have Fart Pockets."

"I just did a manatee shart out of my blow hole."

"Hey Mom----did you know you can donate your eggs to a fertility clinic for $8000.00?"
"Mom's eggs are too old. They're scrambled…..but you should have seen the egg beater that Dad used."

"You're not just out in left field….you're in the lot NEXT to left field."

"There are so many holes in my underwear that sometimes my toe catches in them and trips me."
"That's due to your high flatulence level."
"No, it's due to the work of the Bung Hole Fairies."

"I'm so desperate for work that I applied for a job as a Hula dancer at a Polynesian restaurant."
"Honey, I don't think they're hiring men for that position."

"Someone should invent a special poop glove. It could be washable and lavender scented. It would give new meaning to the term 'Pooper Scooper.' Even better, if you put rotating bristles on it, you could sell it as a Star Wars edition. May The Poop Be With You."

     Forget a fly swatter. Anyone got a can of Glade Air Freshener?



******AWESOME time for Meno Mama! Featured on Huffington Post TWICE this week, along with a post appearing on the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. You can find me here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/benefits-of-aging_b_5465465.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/benefits-of-aging_b_5465465.html
http://humorwriters.org/2014/06/13/10-reasons-go-renaissance-festival

Please visit the homes of the other bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall. Hopefully their homes won't be as stinky as mine!