Friday, December 12, 2014

Menopausal Mother's Favorite Holiday Quips

     For many of us, this is the busiest time of year. It's also the most stressful. Trying to juggle the everyday demands of work, children, household chores and errand running coupled with extra holiday obligations is enough to make our heads spin (or earn our very own parking spot at the Liquor Mart).  It's nearly impossible to fit in time for decorating the house, shopping for gifts and baking special treats for family and friends.

     For this reason, I've culled some of my favorite family quips from past holidays and put them together to bring a little laughter into your hectic life. Sit back a moment, take a deep breath, and relax while you read…. 


ON HOLIDAY DECORATIONS:  

"All my husband has to do is decorate our front lawn with thousands of LED lights so that it's bright enough to be seen by the International Space Station."

"I've got an artificial tree from China, not a real one from the mountains of North Carolina. The silver lining in all of this? No more pine needles to clog up the vacuum."

"What really drives my husband to drink gallons of spiked eggnog at this time of year are the cartons of decorations labeled "Assembly Required." On a particularly bad day, he'll claim that these boxes are grounds for divorce."

"At night, those giant, Christmas lawn inflatables glow and stand erect as if they've been given a big dose of Viagra. But in the morning once they've deflated, they look more like fiesta-colored condoms strewn across the yard."

ON HOLIDAY SHOPPING:

"Maybe the store managers should offer people little cups of adult beverages while they wait in sales lines. I bet no one would ever complain again."

"As I'm contemplating the aisle of Christmas decorations marked 50 percent off after the holidays, my husband is contemplating a separation---or maybe just a conversion to Judaism. After all, how much room does a menorah take up?"

ON HOLIDAY FLU BUGS:

"Little did we know after the holiday party that our stomachs and intestines were preparing to take us for a wild ride on the toilet train to hell."

"While everyone else was listening to "O Holy Night" and sipping apple cider, my oldest son and I were groaning "O Wretched Night" with a vomit bowl between us."

"The only surprise I wanted from Mr. Claus while I was sick was another toilet, along with a stocking full of Pepto-Bismol and Keopectate."

ON HOLIDAY EATING:

"Each year, my husband insists on buying a turkey the size of an ostrich, whether we're feeding four people or forty, so it's up to me and Pinterest to figure out something clever to do with all that leftover meat. Turkey salsa? Turkey brownies? A turkey smoothie might do the trick for a jolt of liquid protein. Turkey martini, anyone?"

"I want to live in a world where acorn squash is high in fat and calories and chocolate truffles are as nutritious as carrots."

"In my house, football season is second only to the Christmas holiday for binge eating. It's the perfect excuse to act like the Romans did centuries ago---binge, purge, and gorge some more."

"Everyone knows that three pounds of holiday food is the equivalent of ten pounds on the scale."

ON OLD SAINT NICK:

"I want to see Santa wear something other than that tiresome red suit. How about a kilt? Or maybe some jeggings. An industrial-strength girdle might even be in order after all the milk and cookies he sucks up like a Hoover vacuum."

"I want to ride in a pimped-out sleigh with Santa, but only if there's a bottle of cognac in the glove compartment."


     I hope these quips brought you a little holiday cheer. If you'd like to read more, these lines are from my book, "WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX?" Don't you think it would make a great stocking stuffer or holiday present? Nothing beats the gift of laughter…..except maybe a turkey martini……



***NEWS FLASH: I am honored to have been selected as the Humor Writer of the Month by the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. Thank you everyone! You can read all about it here:
http://humorwriters.org/2014/11/30/welcome-jungle/

38 comments:

  1. Marcia.. of course I loved these... I have long believed that if we could have a few drinks while shopping (and I don't drink) we would all be so much nicer... :-)

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    1. I was thinking even a jello shot or two would be nice to calm the impatient masses….

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  2. Simply wonderful! I caught myself giggling a few times. Your family sounds like a lot of fun to be around.

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  3. I can't even imagine Christmas at your house! I'm surprised Santa ever leaves!

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    1. It gets pretty wild around here, believe me.

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  4. You are one funny lady Marcia. Enjoy the holiday season!

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    1. Thank you, Nancy! I hope you have a wonderful holiday season as well!

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  5. Sooo good! The day looks brighter already! But I'm having a difficult time picturing my Santa in leggings. And not because I haven't seen it. It's because I have. ;)
    P.S. And now I'll never look at inflatable lawn ornaments the same way again . . .

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  6. You are so funny, Marcia! I just have to say that the stomach flu seems to roll through houses around the holidays every year. We once showed up to my in-laws and it was going through the house like wildfire. I tried to get out of the house as much as possible so it wouldn't hit us all on the flight home. It is SO MISERABLE!!

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    1. Agreed--absolutely the WORST during a big holiday. Can't eat or drink and you have to stay away from your loved ones.

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  7. I'm all over the adult beverages while waiting in line idea. Can we get a petition going?

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  8. Ha! I have to agree with the adult beverages provided while you wait in line... sign me up for that.

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  9. I would totally drink a turkey martini.

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    1. HAHAHA!!!! I'm trying to imagine what that would taste like!!!

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  10. Hahaha! Santa in a kilt! As long as he's wearing something underneath please :)

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  11. Congratulations on being selected as the Humor Writer of the Month. What a feather in your cap. Take care.

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    1. Thank you so much, Stephen! I really love the Erma site. She was always my idol and I still enjoy reading her old books to this day.

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  12. Love the photo and the photo bomb! Perfect!

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  13. I wish I could get Tim to decorate the outside of the house but he thinks it is a waste of time although he said he would put up so lights today but we will see he says these things but has terrible follow through

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    1. Most men DO hate doing the outside lights. Trust me--we argue about it every single year!

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  14. Turkey martinis? I feel the need to vomit now.

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    1. Ugh! Can you just imagine how awful it would taste??

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  15. Hi Marcia! Merry Christmas to you and yours! And when we find a store that gives out drinks in the waiting lines, that's my store forever!! I'll have the pinot noir, thank you...
    I do all the holiday lights at my house. I suppose I do use quite a few, but I think it's tasteful? It's a great tradition though, as long as the weather cooperates!
    Blessings!
    Ceil

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    1. I would love to see a photo sometime of your house all lit up. I'll bet it's pretty!

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  16. I was thinking about what a great Christmas photo this is of you - and then I noticed you had been photo-bombed! Too funny!!

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    1. Oh yes---can't do anything serious around here…..

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  17. These are terrific, funny, and really does picture the craziness of the holiday season!

    Even though a turkey smoothie sounds gross!

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    1. Trust me---I almost gagged while writing that part, hahaha!

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  18. Santa could totally rock the jeggings! I would like to see him in red & white striped ones so he looks like a jolly candy cane. Love the pics of you guys. Oh the pugs!!

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  19. I'd like to point out that your husband is contributing more to the carbon footprint of the planet than all of New York City and Chicago combined :)

    And I LOOOOVE the idea of free drinks on lines for Christmas shopping...I know *I* could have used that a week or so ago when I was finishing up at the Eaton Centre here in Toronto...in fact, I wound up going to my favourite sushi place just down the street later and enjoying a glass of wine which I almost *never* drink with sushi...but I needed it. I really needed it.

    BTW, Christmas mudslides...made with Peppermint Mocha, Gingerbread, or Pumpkin Spice Kahlua all available at this time of year...are the best way to get through the holidays ;)

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    1. OMG I want one now!!!! Excuse me while I run to the liquor store….

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