As you know, every Wednesday I like to feature a new writer on my blog site as part of my Wacky Wednesday Writer series. I absolutely adore today's guest blogger. Please welcome the hilariously funny Diane Tolley of On The Border! I discovered Diane's blog about a year ago and grinned ear to ear as I read the recollections from her childhood on a ranch. I didn't grow up on a ranch, but Diane and I are close in age, so a lot of her memories are similar to my own. She is a master storyteller and saves the greatest punch lines for the end of each post. Her blog always leaves me smiling and adds a nice lift to my day.The other thing I love about Diane is that she is BIG on sharing. She goes above and beyond to support her fellow bloggers, and I am very grateful for the countless shout-outs this sweet woman has given me. Please welcome this awesome, funny lady to Meno Mama's site today with lots of love!
DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. OF MITTENS
We
were shopping.
I will admit, here, that shopping is not my favourite activity.
I need a really good excuse.
It was
Christmas.
Okay, Christmas is a really good excuse . . .
My youngest two children and I were out to find a gift for Husby.
Their Dad, my Sweetheart.
After much wrinkle-browed thought, we had decided that whatever
we were seeking would best be
found at Lee Valley Tools. Husby's favourite place on
earth.
Really.
It
is a long-standing family joke that he must go once a month to
LVT to pay homage to Thor, the Tool
LVT to pay homage to Thor, the Tool
God.
But I digress . . .
We set out. It was December.
Winter.
In Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, winter equals snow.
Ask anyone.
But avoid those with chattering teeth. Th-th-they c-c-c-can n-n-n-
never be t-t-t-trusted.
Or understood.
Where was I?
Oh, yes. Winter. Shopping. Setting out.
At first, things went well.
A heavy, wet snow was falling thickly, but the wipers were
managing to keep the windshield clear –
sort of.
We made it into the city.
And immediately slowed to a snail's pace.
accompanied by snow: All roads are
now white.
And slippery. All surfaces have become heavily coated
in ice. Nothing is recognizable.
in ice. Nothing is recognizable.
Little is even visible.
The windshield wipers are your best, and only, friends.
But even they, too, get clogged with snow and need the occasional
boost.
This is accomplished by stopping. Getting out of the vehicle. And
slapping said wiper against the
window hard enough to remove any accumulated snow.
Or, if you are my husby, by opening the driver's window and
catching the wiper when it is in its
furthest upright position and giving it a quick
snap while it is still
in motion. It's all about timing. And
in motion. It's all about timing. And
coordination.
Neither of which I have . . .
Several times, I pulled out of the crawling traffic and performed
the necessary operation to clear the
windshield.
Total time wasted? Hours.
Okay, well, it seemed like hours.
There must be a better way.
I would try Husby's method!
Genius!
When the traffic had stopped for yet another light, or stalled
vehicle, I quickly rolled down the window.
Then I reached out.
I waited for just the right moment, when the wipers were at their
apex (neat word, right?)
Closer. Closer.
There!
I reached out and caught the top of the wiper.
Snap!
Okay, that didn't sound good.
As the wipers began their downward stroke, I realized what I had
done.
The blade was still in my hand.
I had snapped the entire thing right off its arm.
Umm . . . oops?
The window quickly became covered in a blanket of white.
Well, half of it at any rate.
Unfortunately, it was the driver's half. Rather necessary if you
want to see where you are going.
And usually, the driver does.
Something needed to be done. And there was no one but me to do
it.
Rats!
Quickly, I climbed out and switched my only remaining wiper
blade to the driver's side.
Okay. I could see.
That's important.
But now, the other side of the windshield was suffering from the
lack of wiper-age.
Hmm.
I looked around. Our options were . . . limited.
“What about this?” My daughter's voice from the back seat. She
was holding up her red mitten.
I stared at it.
Huh. Might work.
I took it and, climbing out into the storm once more, proceeded to
tie it to the other wiper arm.
There. Perfect.
We switched on the wipers.
Wipe.
Wipe.
It worked!
Now we had a wiper and a . . . mitten.
I don't have to tell you how it looked.
In point of fact, we giggled every time that mitten came into sight.
We finished our trip. Shopping done. Purchases made.
Van safely parked back on the driveway.
Husby replaced the wiper that had so inconveniently decided to
come off.
Stupid thing.
The wiper, not Husby.
And I learned several things from the whole experience:
1. Don't shop.
2. Don't drive.
3. Don't live in Canada.
4. Don't go anywhere without your mittens.
Okay, you're right. I didn't learn anything because:
1. I still shop.
2. I still drive.
3. I still live in Canada.
Pack your mittens!
BIO:
Diane Stringam Tolley was born and
raised on the great Alberta prairies. Daughter of a ranching family
of writers, she inherited her love of writing at a very early age.
Trained in Journalism, she has penned countless articles and short
stories. She is the published author of five e-books and the recent
Christmas novels, Carving Angels and (Kris Kringle’s) Magic by
Cedar Fort Publishing. She and her husband, Grant, live in Beaumont,
Alberta, and are the parents of six children and grandparents of
thirteen-plus.
“Diane lives in the
past. It’s peaceful there.”
Facebook :
http://facebook.com/diane.tolley1
Twitter: http://twitter.com/StoryTolley
Web Site: www.dianestringamtolley.com
Video: https://vimeo.com/45744176
I follow Diane too... I have been reading her blog for almost 3 years... I always smile;-)
ReplyDeleteI love all the cute short stories about her life and I often wonder how she survived the age of 4 on the ranch.. ♡
Thank you Menopausal Mother for introducing me to another Canadian blogger!
ReplyDeleteI'm just thinking if it was near Christmas when the mitten episode took place, most people would have assumed you had decorated your car for Christmas. All that's missing is the reindeer antlers and the red nose. Awesome story.
How comical. Diane sounds so much like me. I remember driving with a towel when my wipers broke and had to slap the window repeatedly while I drove.
ReplyDeleteInteresting that my post today includes mittens...sort of. Fun read.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you took a picture!!! So funny, but great thinking!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL!! I bet the mitten was funny, but hurrah that it worked!
ReplyDeleteLol, I can see myself do that every step of the way! Great, funny post!
ReplyDelete