Friday, December 5, 2014

Good Intentions Gone Wrong

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you know how much I like to highlight the absent-minded situations that my husband gets into. His intentions are good, but somehow his plans always go awry. Case in point: One afternoon when we were hosting a backyard barbecue, my husband offered to do all the cooking. He'd forgotten to replace the old gas line to the grill, and was happily flipping burgers when he noticed a small spark by the gas tank. Grease from the meat was splattering everywhere and hitting the leaks in the gas line.

We narrowly missed a gas explosion that day when the grill burst into flames. The black plumes of smoke sent the partygoers scrambling out into the street. Fortunately, most of our friends discovered a sudden fondness for Cajun-style burgers.

Another example of good intentions gone wrong occurred years ago when a hurricane approached our coastline. My husband thought it would be "fun" to pack our family of six into the minivan for a quick trip to the nearby beach to watch the storm whipping up the waves. Little did he know that the hurricane was a fast moving storm, and that it was closer to our area than he suspected. When the wind began rocking the sides of the van, he broke the land speed record to get us home before the hurricane hit.

Rather than leave the minivan in the driveway, my husband decided to park it on the side of the house for better protection from the oncoming storm. It was a new vehicle, and he was determined to keep it from being crushed by a fallen tree. In his rush to maneuver the car to safety, he put it in reverse and backed into the tight space of our side yard. His foot slipped  off the brake onto the accelerator and the van lunged backwards, slamming into a tree. The glass in the rear window shattered into a million shards just as the rain started lashing the streets. The kids had a hard time containing their giggles while they watched their wind-blown father struggle with a roll of duct tape and a plastic tarp in the middle of a hurricane.

My husband easily falls into these situations because he is a kind man who is always happy to help others. He'll carry heavy bags out to the car for elderly shoppers at the grocery store, assist a stranger changing a tire on a busy highway, or rescue a stranded friend in the middle of the night.  But sometimes these little acts of kindness backfire.

One morning he was in a crowded elevator on his way up to a job interview when the woman next to him spilled a stack of business cards onto the floor. Being the chivalrous man that he is, he bent down to retrieve the cards for her when he heard something rip. Everyone in the elevator stood silent, and at that moment, my husband realized his brand new slacks had split wide open from stem to stern.

Needless to say, he spent the entire interview with his backside to the wall.

It was the most recent incident, however, that will go down in history as the EPIC PHONE FAIL.

Last week when my "Spandex" book was published, my excited husband sent out a large group text on his cell phone to share the good news with everyone on his contact list. A few days later, one of his buddies responded to the text and asked what he could do to help out. My husband JOKINGLY texted back, "Buy the book, F@#*ER!"

After he hit "send" on his cell, it dawned on him that he'd accidentally sent the message to EVERYONE on his contact list. This included not just our close friends, but the plumber, the minister, our vet, the jeweler, the dentist, all of our doctors, the electrician, the A/C guy, our contractor, my mother, the friggin' MAYOR, our hairdresser, and all of our neighbors. It even went to the physician who performed our colonoscopies.

Now I'm worried that the next time I'm due for a colonoscopy, the doctor might "conveniently" forget to give me anesthesia.

I think it's time for my husband to go back to using a rotary phone.





If you love my blog, you'll love my book, WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX? MIDLIFE MUSINGS FROM A MIDDLE-AGED MILF on sale now in paperback and Kindle at Amazon.com http://amzn.to/11uY6fD or on Nook at Barnes and Noble!


 

55 comments:

  1. Hahahaha, I KNEW your post would eventually come to the text message incident ;-)
    Please don't ground your hubby from texting though. I'm sure the people who are in his contacts know him and his good intentions. Right?

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  2. So funny, Marcia! But really, he sounds like an amazing guy. What a blessing to have support for your book like that. I'm sure the recipients, after wondering what this was about, got a good laugh. And I also bet that some of the female recipients were a little jealous of this fierce support:)

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    1. I love your positive spin on this---and I'm betting you're right! :)

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  3. Hysterical, as always! Your husband sounds like a fun person to have around.

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    1. I have to admit, he is ALWAYS entertaining!

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  4. Personally I love the f-word when used for comic effect. He delivers an obvious message in a funny way. I'd say it's a 'win-win'.

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    1. I agree! At first he was mortified and didn't want to tell me. I guess he thought I would be upset. But when I heard the news, I burst out laughing, much to his surprise.

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  5. This so hilarious and something that my hubby would probably due...except he hasn't even learned to send a text yet! Loved the book Marcia congratulations and I'm waiting for #2!

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    1. Thanks! So glad you liked it, Rena. I'm already gathering material for #2!

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  6. I love your husband, he sounds fantastic. *makes mental note to never have my hubs in charge of announcements...

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    1. HAHAHA!! You met him at ERMA, so you KNOW what this guy is capable of!

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  7. Oh your hubs sounds like mine. Flipping hysterical. Mine just looks at me and says eveytime. I have no idea how I did that. Sure honey.

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    1. Exactly! And to top it off, my hubs is A.D.D., which makes it even more comical.

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  8. His pictures are always my favorite part of your stories! He is a hoot!

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    1. I know, right? He's a good sport to let me post these crazy pictures. Of course, some of them in my collection where taken of him unawares...

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  9. So funny Marcia. Sounds like you'll never be bored!

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    1. Never. This house is too crazy to get bored!

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  10. You have an endless source of material! This guy is gold--hang onto him!!

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  11. Oh my gosh, it's a good thing you and hubby have a fantastic sense of humor! Maybe if you tell the mayor you promise to vote for him in the next election that will smooth things over? LOL

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    1. Hahahaha I can only hope! Luckily, I know the man has a good sense of humor and he knows how nutty my hubs is!

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  12. Bwahahahaha! I love your husband! In a totally 'he's-your-husband-and-so-it's-okay' sort of way . . . :)

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    1. Everybody loves this guy---he's too funny not to love, hahaha!

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  13. Your husband is way ahead of mine, mine is just learning to text. Meaning he brings his phone to me and tells me what to say.

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    1. We had the opposite situation here--he had to teach me---but now I'm leagues ahead of him and a helluva a lot faster!

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  14. OHMYGOSH this is HILARIOUS!!!!! So now I totally get the PERFECT match you two are together!!! You need to write more about your hubs!! I am guessing you could write another book with more and more of these stories!!! "The Man behind the Menopausal Mom"- spotlight solely on HIM!!

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    1. Yes, believe me----the stories I could tell…..if he will let me….

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  15. Hi Marcia! Well, who hasn't done that? (I mean group texted instead of individual.) Maybe not with the profanity though. Poor guy. I have to love a husband who supports his wife though. What a great guy. The split pants thing, I know I would totally do that myself. How embarrassing! But he still went to the interview? Again, great guy!
    Happy Weekend :)
    Ceil

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    1. He sure did! Just kept his back side away from them!

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  16. This was a fun read. i wish I could say that men aren't the way you write about them, but we are. Take care.

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    1. And that's why we women love you all so much. You make us smile even when we don't think we can. :)

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  17. I'm sorry Marcia, but this just cracks me up! The look on Mac's face in that picture is exactly the expression I imagined when you mentioned this earlier. It's an awful thing, but omg, how funny!
    The minister. LOL Yeah, be careful during the next colonoscopy!

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    1. I'm so embarrassed---don't think I can ever look the minister in the eyes again!

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  18. Your husband is hilarious! So excited to meet both of you at a conference this year since he features prominently in many of your posts! Life's pretty lively with THAT guy around! Ha!

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    1. Wasn't ERMA a blast?!? I was so happy to meet you, Darcy, and I'm glad you got to meet my crazy Hubs as well. Great times!

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  19. Is it just me or does your husband remind me or me?

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    1. Ahhhhh…you do this stuff too, huh? Hahahaha!

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  20. This post cracked me up for some reason and trying to explain to my children why I was laughing was hard so I gave up and just laughed

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    1. Awwww…thank you, Jo-Anne. I did the same when he told me about the text fiasco. It's the kind of story I'm sure he'll be sharing for years to come.

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  21. Way too funny! I can totally relate as I once accidentally sent a text TO the person whose actions I was complaining about ... oops! Fortunately, they realized my complaint was justified and forgave me!

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    1. OMG I am SOOOOO paranoid of doing that very same thing. I would DIE on the spot if that happened to me!! Glad you were able to work it out!

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  22. In a way, it is kind of cute - he was so excited for you and for your book... ;-)

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    1. Right? That's why I just couldn't get mad. It was too funny to be angry.

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  23. Very Interesting and Teachful Article. Trustly I Really Happy for your Tips. Thank you so Much for Sharing with us, Keep up This Helpful Writing.

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  24. hahahaha...the last one was so cute and also, you are right, EPIC! :D

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    1. This is a tale that will go down in our family history…..

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  25. Poor dude. I'm amazed that he agrees to take all the pictures for these posts. He does sound like a fun guy to hang with!

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    1. And the scary part is that he wasn't even drinking when we took those pictures, hahahaha!!!

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  26. Oh my gosh Marcia, I read this post earlier when pausing between studying... I was both horrified and in hysterical laughter at the same time for your husband and for yourself... As you wrote the list of people, I just kept laughing and thanking my lucky stars that hasn't happened to me. Thanks for the smiles while I was studying, just what I needed... I aced my test, an 86%... it was tough... so glad it is over with...

    Also, congratulations again on the book, I will be ordering my copy next week, look how far you have come since we first met blogging, you realized a dream, that is so wonderful girl xox

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    1. Congrats on passing your test!!! I'm so happy for you but I never doubted that you would pass with flying colors. I'm so thrilled and proud of you, Launna! Hugs!

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  27. ....wow....lol. I'm sure your husband constantly keeps you entertained!

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    1. Absolutely---he is my inspiration behind most of the blogs I write.

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  28. OMG your hubby is priceless. I thought my husband's antics are blog-worthy but no, your guy gets the prize. He is also a very good sport for not minding that you write about him in your blog. The pants splitting really had me giggling! Do tell, did he get the job!?

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  29. Ha-Ha! No, he actually did not get that particular job, but found another---sans the torn pants!

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