We survived the Y2K "computer crash" on December 31, 1999, and we surpassed the deadline of the Mayan calendar. But what about a zombie apocalypse?I am once again participating in a Secret Subject Swap with 17 other bloggers, hosted by Karen@http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt this time comes from Jenn over at http://www.somethingclever2point0.com. Her question to me is: "What is your zombie plan?"
I was actually pleased to get this prompt, because I live in Florida, home of the most notorious flesh-eating zombie stories of 2012. Zombie defense plans were all the rage last year, and after watching enough episodes of The Walking Dead, I think I am prepared to do battle. This folks, is how I plan to survive a zombie apocalypse:
1. First, disguise myself as a zombie to fit in with the rotting rogues. I will do this by refraining from bathing for weeks, rolling in garbage and raw sewage, shredding my clothes, tossing out my toothbrush and skipping my daily naps for awhile. Of course at this point, none of my fellow humans will want to be downwind of me, either.
2. Hone my growling, moaning and slobbering skills.
3. Practice precision slicing of cantaloupes with a large machete.
4. Stick wood planks down my pants in an effort to walk stiff-legged.
5. Stockpile toilet paper, chipped beef, canned corn, beans and Little Debbie Cakes to eat secretly in my attic while the zombies are outside gnawing on human chicken wings.
6. Build a mote around my house and fill it with zombie-eating alligators. Or perhaps piranhas would be more effective since they don't leave anything behind. The vultures in my special, ugly bird aviary will be allowed out each morning to eat the zombie leftovers. If they are too full to finish the gruesome banquet, I can always haul out the wood chipper/shredder to finish the job.
7. Blast Judy Collins, Bette Midler and Barry Manilow songs from loud speakers to deter the zombies and make their brains explode.
8. Douse myself in a perfume repellent known as "Eau De Zombie Poop".
9. Trap the zombies by digging big holes in my yard and camouflaging them with leaves and branches. Once the zombies fall into the trap, I'll torch their asses.
10. Place a large banner across my home that reads: "1st Annual Zombie Barbecue. If You're Human, They Will Come". Then I'll sit behind the machine gun turrets on my roof and wait....
As I go through my check list in preparation for the apocalypse, I realize all that is left is for me to slip into my special zombie gear.
I'm ready for battle. Are you?
These are the 17 bloggers participating in the Secret Subject Swap. Check them out!
Can't stop laughing. Love your plan. Save some of those snack cakes, if there's a Zombie Apocalypse I'm coming to your house!
ReplyDeleteWe can huddle in the attic together and feast on Little Debbie Cakes!
DeleteHilarious! You did an awesome job with this prompt! Hide your cantaloupes people! ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm honing my machete skills as we speak!
Deleteyou are so ready for the zombie apocalypse!! me and the Mr. are hooked with The Walking Dead :) can't wait for the new season!
ReplyDeletehuggies***
rea
I LOVE that show and can't wait for it to come back on! That's why I am SO HAPPY that this is the prompt I got in the swap!
DeleteI'm happy, too. Not only are you a Walking Dead fan, but a Floridian? Too perfect!
DeleteI have to thank you, Jenn, for coming up with the prompt! It was so clever and absolutely PERFECT for me since I've been a zombie fan for quite some time now. Why do you think I keep a hidden stash of Little Debbie Cakes?
DeleteI am TOTALLY coming to your house for the Zombie Apocalypse. You may want to consider merchandizing your Zombie Repellant. Although you won't be insulted if I hang a car freshener from my nose, will you? Something about the smell of raw sewage in the morning...
ReplyDeleteIf you are going to hang with me, you'll have to roll in the sh** with me LOL! OK you can wear a car freshener on your nose as long as you have a spare one that I can use, too!
DeleteROFLOL!!!! AWESOME zombie plan!! LOL LOVE it!
ReplyDeleteWe are HUGE zombie fans around here and are constantly talking about our "plan". LOL
I'm glad you liked my ideas for the apocalypse. We humans have to stick together when it happens, ya know?
Deletereally awesome! loved t..
ReplyDeletehttp://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com/
Thanks, Irfan. Always happy to see you here!
DeleteYou're a genius!! I seriously need to bookmark this page so that I'm prepared too!!
ReplyDeleteI think everyone needs to be prepared. If you watched the video, then you know the time is coming.....LOL!
DeleteExcellent plan. Being a fellow Floridian I will keep this on hand, prepare for the attack and ready to execute.
ReplyDeleteWe need to be prepared--zombies seem to prefer the warmer, Florida climate. Not sure though how I feel about living in a state that is notorious for the creepy buggers. That video in my blog was filmed only 45 minutes from where I live!
DeleteThe walking dead is one of hubbies favourite tv series so I am all too familiar with it. Big fire pit sounds like the way to go!
ReplyDeleteYou're probably right. I already have one set up, so I say, " Bring it on, zombies!!!
DeleteI took notes! Excellent plan! Great job
ReplyDeleteHang onto those notes. I think you're going to need them one day. Or you can just hole up in the attic with me and eat beef jerky sticks while we watch the zombies ravage the city....
DeleteI am NOT ready for a zombie apocalypse! Scary!
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up with my NO RULES Weekend Blog Party :)
Paula
lifeasweknowitbypaula.blogspot.com
It is scary but planning for it is half the fun!
DeleteGlad you liked it, Beth, and always nice to see you here!
ReplyDeleteLOL! I lost it at Eau De Zombie Poop. I would have commented sooner, but I had to change my pants...
ReplyDeleteNot that I've read a LOT of zombie plans, but yours is certainly the best! If there was an award for zombie plans-you would get it. One platter of brains for you.
Ooohhh yummy! Next time I'm at the Zombies R Us store, I'll pick you up a bottle of that perfume!
DeleteHilarious sounds like you have a good plan of action. :)
ReplyDeleteLiving in Florida, I had to get a head start on it!
DeleteIt is awesome that you made all the plans and we benefit from all your hard work, lol :)
ReplyDeleteKnowledge is power!
DeleteVery funny post! Love it! I found you via Pink Momma's blog hop. I am now following you via GFC and was hoping you will stop by my new blog www.theeyesofaboy.com and follow back. I look forward to reading more of your blog.
ReplyDeleteMuch love, Melissa
The Eyes of a Boy
www.theeyesofaboy.com
I'm always happy to have new readers and new followers!
DeleteI think I am prepared for everything BUT a zombie apocalypse. I don't do to well with horror movies, I'm a little jumpy as it is. I never understood paying money to get the s%*# scared out of you. So, I am what you might zombie illiterate. I'm glad I know someone who is prepared. Expect to see me in Florida if I ever see a zombie.
ReplyDeleteI'll save you a spot in my attic. We can chow down on spam while the zombies eat up the town. Then I'll teach you my machete skills. Hope you like cantaloupe....
DeleteZombie plan? Huh. Where have I been that I haven't heard of this? Hell, I don't even have an earthquake plan and I live in California! Every time I put aside food and batteries, I always end up eating the food and using the batteries.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness you're prepared. More importantly, is there enough alcohol for all of us?
I always end up eating all the hurricane supplies here in Florida, too--well, at least the chocolate bars. I got you covered on the alcohol---several cases of rum, vodka, gin and whiskey. It was the first batch of supplies I bought. Ever seen a drunk zombie?
DeleteThank heavens for The Walking Dead. HA!! I did a Zombie run last month. Even knowing they were just acting... I freaked. It was great!
ReplyDeleteI've heard of those runs! Good God, I would FREAK OUT but I guess that's the point--scare the crap out of people so they run like hell to get away. Knowing me I'd have a heart attack right there on the course---zombies be damned!
DeleteHa!!! Sounds like a "Plan" to me... Enjoyed. Take care, Slu
ReplyDeleteLove having you here again, Slu. Thanks for visiting!
DeleteI can see that you are prepared enough. :)
ReplyDeleteI've been ready for a loooong time!
DeleteLaughing, laughing, laughing.
ReplyDeleteThen I did my job!
DeleteHmm...I'd never heard of the zombie apocalypse. I'll have to add it to the list...I'm worried though, Marcia. You not only seem READY for the zombie apocalypse, you seem EXCITED about it. I am going to have to recommend professional help! :)
ReplyDeleteIt's the machete thing---I'm anxious to take out my aggression and swing one around!
DeleteGlad I'm not the only one with a plan.
ReplyDeleteJust saying....
We'll be the only ones ready for battle. Did you stock up on Little Debbie Cakes, too?
DeleteI think your plan is a good first draft but it needs some fine tuning. Taking on a few of your points:
ReplyDelete1. I fail to see how dressing and smelling like Pete Doherty will deter the zombies. If anything, they'll find you so annoying you'll be the first they eat.
5. If you're only packing on stocking li'l Debbies I think you'll be fine, but remember, if you stock Twinkies you may have to fight off Woody Harrelson as well. Then again, maybe you could hire him as a bodyguard if you pay him in Twinkies (***NOT*** Snoballs!)
6. If you feed the zombies to the piranhas and vultures, theoretically they could become zombies too. While it doesn't much matter whether the piranhas are zombies or not - they'll eat any humanoid alive or undead - zombie vultures could prove problematic. They could attack *you* before they get to the human zombies. Or conceivably eat each other since becoming a zombie means cannibalism. You may need to keep those beasts on a short rope and pack a cattle prod.
7. How are you going to keep this from making *your* head explode? Not to mention hopelessly depressed for all your lost loves.
8. Explain, please, how a bunch of ambling smelly corpses will be turned off by your malodorous bouqet. ;)
Other than that, I think you're good. Save a few li'l Debbies for me. I favour the Swiss rolls. ;)
All good points to consider--especially the one about zombie vultures. It never occurred to me that they might turn on us and our house would look like it was right out of an episode from Hitchcock's "The Birds".
DeleteIt's too cold for zombies here. Finally a pro of living in a cold weather state. WOOT!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're safe unless a new breed of zombie snowman take over!
DeleteI would have to open a Corpse Deli.
ReplyDeleteOh. My. God. I think I just lost my appetite!!!!
DeleteMy pleasure---thanks for hosting it!
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I'm prepared for a zombie attack, but I think you'll be able to hold your own. I think your zombie barbecue is so crazy that it just might work! Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)
ReplyDeleteI'm counting on it!
DeleteHi! We are your newest follower from the Monday Mingle. Would love if you followed us in return! Looking forward to more posts!!
ReplyDeleteColleen from Sugar Aunts
Thanks for the visit and the follow--I'll be sure to check out your site!
DeleteI am definitely unprepared for a zombie attack but your plan sounds pretty solid. I'm a new follower through the GFC hop. Looking forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteLiz
http://blendingafamilyofdorks.blogspot.com/
So happy to have you here and thanks for the follow!
DeleteHey there! I found you through the GFC blog hop and am your newest follower! Hope you have a great week!
ReplyDelete~Heather
http://notesfromthenelsens.blogspot.com/
Thanks for the follow, Heather!
DeleteGirl, your preparations are fantastic. What do you say I come for a visit and bring along my liquor cabinet? A beautiful RED would go lovely with Little Debbie snack cakes...or..zombie flesh. Love the moat idea. I've always wanted one of those! Ha!
ReplyDeleteIf you bring the liquor cabinet, I promise I will share my Debbie Cakes. I hear they go well with rum......
DeleteI am a new follower from The Stuff of Success. I would love it if you have a moment to stop by and check out TSOS. Thanks and have a great day. Athena
ReplyDeleteThanks, Athena. I'll be sure to check out your blog.
DeleteHahah, that is too funny. I love the many different thoughts of creativity. At least we know you are prepared. I just wanted to let you know that I am starting a new blog hop tomorrow called "Inspirations in Progress"...come on over if you like. I didn't see your email or else I would have emailed you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the visit--I would love to join the hop!
DeleteHahaha...looks life you've got it covered girl! You.are.too.funny! Have a wonderful weekend lady!
ReplyDeleteMichell @Prowess and Pearls
Glad you liked it & thanks for the visit!
DeleteHilarious! Thanks for hopping by Thumping Thursdays Blog Hop again!
ReplyDeleteDiana @ Nanny2Mommy
http://mrsdchastain.blogspot.com
My pleasure!
DeleteLooks scary but somehow fun.
ReplyDeleteI have followed you on Networked Blog (No.213).
Let's keep in touch.
Harry
www.multibrandx.net
Thanks, Harry! I appreciate the follow!
DeleteWow, too funny! I'm checking out the secret subject swaps for the first time and thinking that in the future I will have to be as creative as y'all have been.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to know you have a plan!!! lol...
I'm having a blast doing them!!!
DeleteMama, there's no zombie who stands a chance around you, disguised or not. But good plan.
ReplyDeleteZombies freak me out! The End
ReplyDeleteThanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up