Friday, October 30, 2015
My Zombie Apocalypse Plan
We survived the Y2K "computer crash" on December 31, 1999, and we surpassed the deadline of the Mayan calendar. But what about a zombie apocalypse?
I live in Florida, home of the most notorious flesh-eating zombie stories of 2012. Zombie defense plans have been all the rage since The Walking Dead first aired on television, and after watching enough episodes, I think I'm prepared to do battle. This folks, is how I plan to survive a zombie apocalypse:
1. First, disguise myself as a zombie to fit in with the rotting rogues. I will do this by refraining from bathing for weeks, rolling in garbage and raw sewage, shredding my clothes, tossing out my toothbrush and skipping my daily naps for awhile. Of course at this point, none of my fellow humans will want to be downwind of me, either.
2. Hone my growling, moaning and bloody slobbering skills.
3. Practice precision slicing of cantaloupes with a large machete.
4. Stick wood planks down my pants in an effort to walk stiff-legged.
5. Stockpile toilet paper, chipped beef, canned corn, beans and Little Debbie Cakes to eat secretly in my attic while the zombies are outside gnawing on human chicken wings.
6. Build a mote around my house and fill it with zombie-eating alligators. Or perhaps piranhas would be more effective since they don't leave anything behind. The vultures in my special, ugly bird aviary will be allowed out each morning to eat the zombie leftovers. If they're too full to finish the gruesome banquet, I can always haul out the wood chipper/shredder to finish the job.
7. Blast Judy Collins, Bette Midler and Barry Manilow songs from loud speakers to deter the zombies and make their brains explode.
8. Douse myself in a perfume repellent known as "Eau De Zombie Poop".
9. Trap the zombies by digging big holes in my yard and camouflaging them with leaves and branches. Once the zombies fall into the trap, I'll torch their asses.
10. Place a large banner across my home that reads: "1st Annual Zombie Barbecue. If You're Human, They Will Come". Then I'll sit behind the machine gun turrets on my roof and wait....
As I go through my check list in preparation for the apocalypse, I realize all that is left is for me to slip into my special zombie gear.
I'm ready for battle. Are you?
***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Check out my NEW blog post, "The Secret To A Successful Marriage" featured on Scary Mommy. You can read it here: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-secret-to-a-successful-marriage/ I also had a post featured on Better After Fifty this week---"The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause" which you can read here: http://betterafter50.com/2015/10/the-seven-dwarfs-of-menopause/