Friday, October 30, 2015

My Zombie Apocalypse Plan

 
   In honor of Halloween, I'm sharing one of my favorite posts written in 2013. Meno Mama has lots of new followers who may have missed this blog when it was originally posted, so I thought it would be a good idea to get your halloween festivities off to a great start. Enjoy!


     We survived the Y2K "computer crash" on December 31, 1999, and we surpassed the deadline of the Mayan calendar. But what about a zombie apocalypse?
 
      I live in Florida, home of the most notorious flesh-eating zombie stories of 2012. Zombie defense plans have been all the rage since The Walking Dead first aired on television, and after watching enough episodes, I think I'm prepared to do battle. This folks, is how I plan to survive a zombie apocalypse:

1.  First, disguise myself as a zombie to fit in with the rotting rogues. I will do this by refraining from bathing for weeks, rolling in garbage and raw sewage, shredding my clothes, tossing out my toothbrush and skipping my daily naps for awhile. Of course at this point, none of my fellow humans will want to be downwind of me, either.

2.  Hone my growling, moaning and bloody slobbering skills.

3.  Practice precision slicing of cantaloupes with a large machete.

4.  Stick wood planks down my pants in an effort to walk stiff-legged.

5.  Stockpile toilet paper, chipped beef, canned corn, beans and Little Debbie Cakes to eat secretly in my attic while the zombies are outside gnawing on human chicken wings.

6.  Build a mote around my house and fill it with zombie-eating alligators. Or perhaps piranhas would be more effective since they don't leave anything behind. The vultures in my special, ugly bird aviary will be allowed out each morning to eat the zombie leftovers. If they're too full to finish the gruesome banquet, I can always haul out the wood chipper/shredder to finish the job.

7.  Blast Judy Collins, Bette Midler and Barry Manilow songs from loud speakers to deter the zombies and make their brains explode.

8.  Douse myself in a perfume repellent known as "Eau De Zombie Poop".

9.  Trap the zombies by digging big holes in my yard and camouflaging them with leaves and branches. Once the zombies fall into the trap, I'll torch their asses.

10.  Place a large banner across my home that reads: "1st Annual Zombie Barbecue. If You're Human, They Will Come".  Then I'll sit behind the machine gun turrets on my roof and wait....


     As I go through my check list in preparation for the apocalypse, I realize all that is left is for me to slip into my special zombie gear.

     I'm ready for battle. Are you?


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Check out my NEW blog post, "The Secret To A Successful Marriage" featured on Scary Mommy. You can read it here: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-secret-to-a-successful-marriage/   I also had a post featured on Better After Fifty this week---"The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause" which you can read here: http://betterafter50.com/2015/10/the-seven-dwarfs-of-menopause/
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45 comments:

  1. Samantha October 30, 2015 at 12:42 AM

    Haha, I am rolling with you in a zombie apocalypse! I think I've watched enough movies to handle this, as well.
    Did you ever see Zombieland? That movie is probably my favorite zombie movie. Freaking hilarious! Hahaha Happy Halloween lady!!! Give those pugs kisses for me!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Carol CassaraOctober 30, 2015 at 8:31 AM

    It's only fitting that you live in my old state, because it's full of weirdness. And zombies. In fact, i worked for one, once. Oh, another story for another day...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaOctober 30, 2015 at 8:57 AM

      SoFlo really does have a high "weirdo" population. PLEASE share your story in a blog post and tag me---I'd love to read it!!

      Delete
  3. The Seana MethodOctober 30, 2015 at 8:54 AM

    I think I'm coming to your house because I know nothing about zombies and will be quite ill prepared to do battle:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaOctober 30, 2015 at 8:58 AM

      C'mon over! I have extra halloween candy to share---we can exist on that for awhile while the zombies ravage the city!

      Delete
  4. Mithra BallesterosOctober 30, 2015 at 9:25 AM

    I think a Zombie War playlist is in order. Get thee onto iTunes and create it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beth, AgingasGracefullyasICan.comOctober 30, 2015 at 9:56 AM

    "Hone my growling, moaning and bloody slobbering skills." Unfortunately, my family might say that since menopause, I've got those down.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousOctober 30, 2015 at 12:05 PM

    LOL Love it Marcia! Sounds like a good plan but why not just do what Michonne did? Get two of her family members who turned, chop off their arms and bottom portion of their mouth and keep them leashed around you? :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. DanielleOctober 30, 2015 at 1:31 PM

    LOL I like the mote with the zombie eating alligators ;) Very cute post and full of Halloween spirit.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Launna October 30, 2015 at 2:26 PM

    I always enjoy your hilarious tips Marcia... although I plan to stay far down wind of you if you decide to stop bathing and roll around in the dirt... I like you an all ... but we all have our limits xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaOctober 30, 2015 at 2:42 PM

      He-he-he! Yeah, I probably wouldn't be able to stand myself, either!

      Delete
  9. Kim DalferesOctober 30, 2015 at 3:02 PM

    Ha! We do #5: "Stockpile toilet paper, chipped beef, canned corn, beans and Little Debbie Cakes to eat secretly in my attic while the zombies are outside gnawing on human chicken wings" every time it snows in VA.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Karen @Baking In A TornadoOctober 30, 2015 at 3:37 PM

    Guess I've known you a long time, I remember this one. Still funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaOctober 30, 2015 at 10:03 PM

      I think I "met" you in 2012 or thereabouts. I was so thrilled to be a part of your group postings (and I'm still a huge fan of FOW!!).

      Delete
  11. stephen HayesOctober 30, 2015 at 4:51 PM

    Why are they always hungry, yet zombies don't seem to have a weight problem. It must be nice eating whatever you want and not getting fat, even if you are dead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaOctober 30, 2015 at 10:05 PM

      Hey, that's a good point. I guess eating other humans isn't fattening, as long as you avoid the fatty portions, ha-ha.

      Delete
  12. UnknownOctober 30, 2015 at 4:53 PM

    Cover all clothing in duct tape so they can't bite through it:)

    ReplyDelete
  13. CrystalOctober 30, 2015 at 5:15 PM

    Ha! I loved this! I'll definitely have to think of my zombie apocalypse plan. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. GoodEnufMommyOctober 30, 2015 at 5:28 PM

    Ha - this is awesome! If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that I'm already dead!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaOctober 30, 2015 at 10:06 PM

      Yeah, to be honest, so do I--and not a part of the "living dead", either.

      Delete
  15. Lisa ThomsonOctober 30, 2015 at 6:20 PM

    Haha!! Loved this, Marcia. I don't watch the show...I know, right? Sounds like a reason I will be a zombie snack tomorrow. Happy Halloween!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaOctober 30, 2015 at 10:07 PM

      I don't watch it as much as I used to--lack of time, but from what I hear it's still really good.

      Delete
  16. UnknownOctober 30, 2015 at 9:41 PM

    oh good grief, I now know without even trying I am pretty much zombie ready already. Thank you for making my day, or if you prefer I'll growl, moan and bloody slobber my appreciation for this post.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Jennifer (UnfoldAndBegin)October 30, 2015 at 9:57 PM

    Love it! Thanks for the chuckle. I won't have to practice my growling, moaning and bloody slobbering skills....I think I've got that covered.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaOctober 30, 2015 at 10:08 PM

      Since I'm already menopausal, I think have that one covered, too.

      Delete
  18. UnknownOctober 30, 2015 at 10:16 PM

    Haha I love this! Such a fun post! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Grace Grits and GardeningOctober 31, 2015 at 8:30 AM

    When I think of all the time we wasted at the bank working on Y2K! Ha.

    ReplyDelete
  20. MichelleOctober 31, 2015 at 9:31 AM

    Haha! That is so funny and I have learned a lot of survival skills watching The Walking Dead too! Love that show! I know if zombies start knocking on my door, I'll be ready! Great post! Found you on #weekendblogshare on Facebook

    ReplyDelete
  21. UnknownOctober 31, 2015 at 1:00 PM

    LOL!!! Too funny. Big walking dead fan now so this was super entertaining. Great post for around halloween!


    My husband is a "prepper" and just wrote a post about it on my blog

    http://www.raisingfairiesandknights.com/practical-family-prepping/

    ReplyDelete
  22. UnknownNovember 2, 2015 at 2:53 PM

    Just do as they did in Sean of the Dead. Just hit the pub, have a few pints, and wait for it all to blow over.

    ReplyDelete

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