Menopausal Mother

     I love social media. It keeps me connected to family and friends who live near and far. It's fun catching up with everyone by reading their status updates and checking out their latest Instagram photos. My husband doesn't understand this. He had a Twitter account for all of sixty seconds before deleting it, because he thought reading about what others were eating for lunch or watching on TV was a waste of time. He's probably right about that, but Facebook is the sweet seductress who summons me at all hours of the day and night just to take a "quick peek" at the world I socialize in. Instagram is cool if I want a quick social fix though photo montages that my friends post, or Snapchat, which is FUN----but how many times can you watch someone with a photoshopped deer's nose and ears talking to you in a distorted, high pitched voice?

     As much as I love the diversity of friends that I have on social media, there are still certain types of people on the various platforms I use that annoy the heck out of me. But let's be real----I'm guilty of more than just a few of these stereotypes.......



THE SELFIE QUEENS (And Kings): Usually it's the women I see posting selfies on social media, but there are also quite a few fellows who post photos of their six-pack abs after a grueling workout at the gym. Naturally, these don't bother me so much---I rather admire them. It's kind of like flipping through the annual firefighter's calendar. But the women......geez, enough with the duck face selfies, ladies. Your normal smile is beautiful---you don't need to pucker up your lips in an attempt to like Angelina Joule or Lisa Rinna....or a mallard.

VAGUEBOOKERS: These people on Facebook drive me nuts. Stop posting things like, "Well, I didn't see THAT coming", or, "Wow, I am so over my husband after what he just did."
     Oh please, do tell. We're sitting over here on pins and needles, just watching your train wreck
unfold.

THE FOODIE: You know the type----they make sure their dinner plate presentation is five-star quality before posting a pic of it on Instagram or Facebook **Raises hand** (okay, I AM GUILTY of this one). The same goes for alcoholic beverages. Hey, I'll even add a spear of fresh fruit and a paper umbrella to my drinks just to show off my flair for mixology (and to make you really, really thirsty).

THE TV EPISODE SPOILERS:  I guess these social media peeps are unaware of time zone differences. Wars have been fought and friendships lost over people posting season finale results from The Bachelor, This Is Us, or Game Of Thrones, before the rest of the population has seen the final episode.

THE PHOTO TAGGERS: I cannot stress this enough----DO NOT TAG ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA IN ANY PHOTOS WHERE I LOOK LIKE A TROLL. This crap always happens to me when I'm most vulnerable---like when I'm taking a three-hour power nap on a Sunday afternoon, or when I'm in the woods and have no WiFi access (ok, I'm not in the woods very often, so let's just say it happens when I'm stuck at the hardware store with Hubs and there's no internet connection whatsoever). If you are a decent friend, you will never tag me in a photo where my muffin top is bursting out in all of its glory.....or when I'm having a bad hair day and my tresses look like a used Brillo pad.

DRUNK FACEBOOKERS: Rule No.#1....never, EVER, engage with people late at night on social media when you've had one too many libations. You'll either be ranting about the injustices in the world or writing about how you want to start a GoFundMe page for endangered whales. Drunk Facebookers are also known for sending flirtatious, private messages at 3:00 am in an attempt to amp up a friendship with the object of their desire---married or not. Is this the internet equivalent to pickup lines in a bar?

THE WHINERS: These negative people (also known as "Attention Whores") have nothing better to do with their time than complain about everything and anything. They use social media as their personal diary. They're overworked, underpaid; their kids/spouse/in-laws are all a-holes, and no one appreciates them. They want your sympathy and an abundance of "likes" on their status updates to see who's listening and who actually gives a crap. Even the family dog isn't safe from their out of control ranting.

INSTAGRAM JUNKIES: These photographer-wannabes post pictures of everything from their cat cleaning its hind quarters to glorious sunsets outside their kitchen window (forgetting that everyone also sees the pile of dirty dishes sitting in the sink). I have nothing against a good photo, but for the love of all that is holy, stop posting multiple photos of your kid's DIY dorm room makeover on Instagram, or 15 different shots of the key lime pie you consumed after dinner. This stuff clogs my feed when I'm scrolling through to find what I really want----important stuff, like squirrel GIFs.


THE LOVEBIRDS: Hey, we get that you're in love with your spouse/significant other, but how many times must we be subjected to photos of you and your main squeeze lip-locked in the kitchen, the car, over a plate of steaming oysters at a trendy seafood restaurant, or in a crowded aisle at The Dollar Tree?

SOAPBOX JUNKIES: These people protest just about everything imaginable, from politics, to religious beliefs, to corporate greed, or even the price increase on a stack of pancakes at IHOP. They share their rants on social media in an attempt to sway their friends to their way of thinking, but this often backfires, leaving in its wake a trail of people who have swiftly "unfriended" you. I have to admit though, if you tell me you don't like chocolate chip pancakes, I might have to unfriend you, too.

PROUD PARENTS: I get that you're proud of your little munchkins. I'm proud of my munchkins, too, even though they're all grown up now. Perhaps if the internet had been around when my kids were born, I too, would be sharing a gazillion photos of their first smile, first bath, and the ever popular birthday-cake-smudged-face. Save all these adorable pics for the grandparents. I just want to see photos of your dog.

THE OVERZEALOUS SHARER: You know who these people are. They post stuff like, "If you believe in God, copy and paste this status on your Facebook wall"; "If you're a true friend, share this photo of a rose on Facebook, and then share it with ten more people, including me."
     You want roses? I hear they sell them by the dozen real cheap at Costco.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTERS: "Wanna buy my life-changing book? Would you like to attend a party where I'll be doing demonstrations on a miracle face cream that will erase all those stress lines you acquired after having four kids? How about decorative stickers for your nails, or bath bombs that contain faux gems? Better yet, check out my new line of natural jewelry made out of wheat grass and hemp."
     No, people, I do not want to buy anything from you, unless, of course, you're selling adorable pug puppies. However, I DO have this book about someone stealing my spandex that I'm SURE will make you laugh.... **SHAMELESSLY INSERTS AMAZON LINK HERE**

     See? I told you I'm one of the most annoying people on the internet.....


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Read my new article featured on Her View From Home: "When The Amber Alert Is For Your Son"

     When our children prepare to graduate from high school or college, we as parents often struggle in a tug of war over power with them. We spend years shaping them into the adults we hope they'll become, but inevitably, their future is determined by the choices they make----whether we agree with them or not. Relationships between parents and their adult children can become strained during this time, which is why it's so important to know when to let go and to let them be independent.

     I know several parents who suffer from "empty nest syndrome", and letting go of their adult children has been a challenge. As for me, I was thrilled when my children matured and became self-sufficient.

     There have been times when I haven't always gotten along with my children. We've had our share of disagreements and hurt feelings. But rather than dwell on the growing pains of change in our relationship, I prefer to celebrate the positive side of being a parent to my adult kids. And there are so many reasons why.......


1. I'm never lonely. I socialize with my kids most weekends, and they're my best friends. I can trust them and confide in them on just about anything. But I also have to be prepared to face their criticism, because they have their own opinions and will tell me if they disagree with something I've said or done. For example: when I saw a cute little wombat on television and decided to adopt one off Amazon, they stopped me. They also prevented me from ordering a life-size squirrel costume as a birthday gift for their father. I can't believe they thought he'd prefer lower bowl tickets to a hockey game.

2. I no longer have to support my children financially. Unless, of course, there is a shortage of kale chips and quinoa. The money I'm saving now goes directly into a hormone therapy fund to combat my menopausal tendencies. It's a win-win for all of us.

3. We can have healthy debates on politics and religion, even though we are on opposite sides of the aisle. And just like congress, we can never come to a total agreement.....but that's okay.

4. My adult children now have an appreciation for the old school tunes from the 70's and 80's, and I appreciate their genre of music....kind of. At least I tell them I do.

5. They clean up after themselves when they visit. The only time it gets a little crazy is when they bring their dogs over. That's when my house turns into "The Hounds of Baskerville", and things get pretty messy.

6.  We can share libations together at a party. It's all fun and games until someone loses a shoe and ends up hungover the next day. But it isn't me---I already paid those dues during my own youth.


7. They share my sense of humor. When they hear that their father (in his youth) thought it was smart to quit his job and drive from Missouri to Florida during the heat of summer in an unairconditioned, 1972 Fiat, they think it's hilarious. Who else would move across country in a vehicle the size of a clown car? Like me, they find humor in every one of their father's unfortunate decisions.

8. We keep in touch almost daily. The beauty of social media allows us to share embarrassing memes with each other on Facebook and Instagram, or send one another snapchats of ourselves with distorted faces and animal ears. Okay, I'll admit, I'm the only one wearing the bunny ears.

9. Best of all, as adults, we have a mutual respect for one another. I'm proud of them for being resilient, self-sufficient people, while they appreciate my ability to simultaneously write a paper check and actually speak to a human being on the phone, rather than send a text.

    I really do love being a parent to my adult children. Despite the occasional argument over how many pets are considered to be a hoarding habit, we are a close bunch. Because of them, I enjoy eating kale and quinoa while listening to rap music. And I'm damn proud of it.

     I've been absent from the blogosphere this week due to a family crisis. My dear mother had to be rushed to the hospital for a torn aorta and needed emergency surgery. She's an incredibly brave and strong woman, but this latest episode really frightened me. The experience made me realize that as our parents age, we have to accept that their health is more fragile than ever before, and that we need to cherish the gift of time that we have with them. For this reason, I'm unable to offer you a new blog post today, but in honor of my mother, I'd like to share some links to a few of my favorite posts that were written with her in mind.

     The good news is that my mother made it through her stent surgery and is now in recovery. Prayers and positive thoughts would be very much appreciated. Those of you who still have your mothers here with you, please give them a hug and tell them how much they mean to you. They will never tire of hearing you say, "I love you, Mom."



THE TRUTH ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL, I AM MY MOTHER AFTER ALL (featured on Bonbon Break)

THE INVISIBLE GENERATION

IF MY CLOSET COULD TALK  (featured on Purple Clover)

   
     Smart teenagers know that the way to a parent's heart is through obedience, love and respect for the people who raised them (plus offering to do a few loads of laundry will go a long way). But smarter teens know when to keep their mouths shut, even though chances are they disagree with most of what their parents tell them. They have their own agendas, but the clever ones know how to distract their parents long enough to cloud their judgment. They'll push the limits to borrow the family car or extend a curfew, all the while swearing that they'll be careful.

      As parents, we want to trust our little beastlings, so we give them the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes it backfires…..

1. I'll co-sign on their student loans because I know they'll never be late on a payment.  
    Yes they will. And when it happens, you'll be inundated with robo calls from collection agencies          because your college-age teen chose to buy the latest iPhone, stereo system, or big screen TV rather than make a monthly loan payment.

2. Sure, my kids will help me mow the lawn this weekend, fold the laundry and dust all 90 squirrel figurines in my curio cabinet. 
     For real? What planet are you from? First off, no teen wakes before noon. After that, you'll be lucky if they brush their teeth and put on deodorant. In other words, you'll be cleaning out the A/C grate and weeding the garden by yourself.

3. My kids won't remember family night at the sports bar/restaurant when I had one too many beers. 
       Yes. Yes they will. And they will remind you until your 80th birthday about the time you entered a punching bag contest after nine beers and the punching bag won. Nor will they let you forget what you looked like after you swung, missed the bag, and ended up on the floor curled up like a cocktail shrimp.

4. My teen just got his driver's license. He'll do fine since I taught him how to be a consciencious driver and to always obey the speed limit.  
     What you don't know won't hurt you….until your child hands you a $150 speeding ticket from going 65 in a 25 mile-per-hour school zone. This same teen still believes that his 1991 Dodge Caravan can outrun a 2015 Mustang GT.

5. Of course my kids know better than to break their curfew. 
     Uh-huh. That's why they leave their bedroom window unlocked and oil the hinges on the front door with W-40 while you're sound asleep in Never Never Land.

6. I know my kids enjoy spending time with the family, especially when it's Monopoly night.
     Wrong. They would rather scrub grout from their shower tile or babysit the neighbor's toddler who has a bad case of diarrhea than spend an evening with dear old BORING mom and dad.

7. Their first love will be the school valedictorian who has a full scholarship to an ivy league school where they'll earn their doctorate in nuerosurgery. 
      Dream on. Every teen goes through their "I-wanna-bad boy/bad girl-phase." Grit your teeth and gnaw on a leather strap until they outgrow this nail-biting phase of life.

8. I don't need to spend more than $200 a week on groceries for a family of four. 
     There's a little known fact that teens, especially boys, consume a gallon of milk a day washed down with an entire package of cookies and chips. You might as well buy a few chickens while you're shopping because you can never have enough eggs in the house when there are one or more teenagers living under the same roof.

9. My teen hates the smell of cigarette smoke and the taste of alcohol, plus she hates taking any form of medication. Chances are she'll never drink, smoke, or try drugs.
     Sadly, this is wrong. Chances are your teen WILL try one or all of these things at some point because peer pressure is mightier than you can imagine. Brace yourself for a bumpy ride…"Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore."
   
10. My kids will never get a tattoo or body piercing. 
     You wanna make a bet? The good news is that some of those things will be in areas on their body that you will never see, so don't worry about it. If you can't see it, it doesn't exist, right?
   
     The only lie you're allowed to believe is the one that really isn't a lie, even though at the time (while raising teens) it might feel like one. They love you. They really do. And one day when they're old enough to understand all that you've done for them, they'll appreciate you.

     But don't forget to hide the WD-40, just in case….
   



       
     

     Last month I wrote about the fifteen things no parent should have to say to their teen daughter (you can read it HERE). So what about the boys? I've raised two sons, as well as daughters, and it seems that in every stage of my boys' lives, from the moment they stood unassisted to when they took their first step, there was a battery of things I NEVER imagined I would have to say to my little male bundles of joy. When they were young, it was the simple stuff like, "I know it looks like a Tootsie Roll but you can't play with the cat's poop"…..."Stop eating dirt---it's not part of the food pyramid"…... "No, that humming wand you found hidden in the back of Mommy's drawer can NOT be used as lightsaber while playing Star Wars."

     Raising boys is a whole different ballgame, and their teen years are known to reduce even the toughest of parents down to a puddle of anxiety and insecurities. Please know that if you have uttered one or more of the following statements to your teenage son, you're not alone:



*You're gonna need a chain saw to cut those toenails.

*If you keep 'borrowing' gas money from me, I'm trading in your car for a Vespa.

*Just because you have laser lights and a stereo system the size of a Winnebago in your room, it doesn't mean that you're allowed to host a rave every weekend. Our house withstood several hurricanes, but I'm not sure it'll last through the rumblings of your bass.

*Please chew with your mouth closed. I don't need to see how fast your molars can masticate a steak.

*Did you wipe?

*You're going to have arthritis in your fingers by the time you're twenty-five from using your cell phone 24/7.

*I don't care how pretty she is---when you take her out on a date, you'd better be thinking with the big head and not the little head.

*All that stinky laundry on your closet floor is making your room smell like a Porta Potty that hasn't been cleaned out in months.

*If you're going to spend THAT much time in the shower, then you need to start scrubbing all the extra  "conditioner" off the shower doors.

*Pay your speeding tickets before you end up on a television episode of Cops.

*No, you will not get carpal tunnel syndrome from flushing the toilet several times a day.

*It's going to take an ice cream scoop to clean all that wax out of your ears.

You need to make a cell phone payment instead of spending your entire paycheck on sneakers…unless, of course, you plan on ditching the wheels in favor of using your feet to get around.

*Yesterday there was a five pound ham in the refrigerator, and now it's gone. A gallon of milk, two bags of chips, a loaf of bread and an entire box of Oreos are also missing. If you step on the bathroom scale, I think I can solve the mystery of the missing food.

*Belching the alphabet is not a skill that women find attractive.


Thankfully, one of my sons is now an adult who has turned into a fine gentleman. My youngest (and feistiest) still has a few more years to go, but the way I see it, he'll be the one who ends up married with four children. Hopefully all boys.

I'd better keep an ice cream scoop in my pocket at all times…..just in case.








***This week I was thrilled to be featured on Beyond Your Blog! You can read my post about living the writer's life here: http://www.beyondyourblog.com/its-a-writers-life-for-me/#

     The other day I got into an argument with my youngest teenager. He was complaining about our family's strapped financial situation and was quick to point an accusatory finger at me. He understands that I'm a struggling writer trying to earn a buck, but he couldn't resist asking when I was going to get a "REAL" job. The argument quickly turned sour and I wondered why I felt the need to defend my work to a belligerent teenager.
   
     His worst jab was yet to come when he questioned what I'd done for our family financially. His question cut to the bone. I stared at him in disbelief and swallowed hard against the lump forming in my throat. Where was this anger coming from? I'd never seen him lash out this way before.
 
      I raised four children while working three in-home jobs to help support the family. I sacrificed a writing career at that time because I was too busy wiping noses, changing diapers and breast feeding babies at all hours of the night with minimal amounts of sleep.
   
     What have I done for you, Son? Cooked thousands of dinners, packed your lunches, folded your laundry, cleaned your home, volunteered in your school classrooms, helped with your homework, read bedtime stories, chased away the monsters you thought lurked in your room at night, dried your tears, drove you to choir practice, to church, to school and to your friends' homes. I sat up all night with you when you had fevers, stayed by your side after your hip surgery, stood up to the teachers who lost faith in you, and spent a small fortune enrolling you in a new school for a better education. I made sure you had a roof over your head, clean clothes in your closet, and a full belly every night.
   
     There are too many teenagers out there today who are wondering what their parents have done for them. They're crossing boundaries I never dreamed of stepping over in my youth. Older values have given way to self-centeredness and greed in a throwaway society. Social networks and the anonymity behind a computer screen have enabled our children to forget their manners. Disrespect for authoritative figures is being reinforced by popular television programs that degrade adults.
   
     I grew up in a different generation where acts of kindness were rewarded with gratitude and love rather than monetary compensation. If we wanted something special, we earned it through diligence and hard work. Parents and the boundaries they set were respected. Broken rules were followed by strict consequences rather than empty threats.
   
     Our generation survived just fine without the convenience of cell phones, computers and high speed internet. We didn't need video games or Netflix to keep us entertained----we were too busy playing dodgeball in the streets with our neighbors until dusk. Whether our families were rich or poor, we appreciated the food on the table and the clothes on our back. People were judged on their merits and behavior, not by the designer labels they wore or the size of their bank accounts.
 
      In fifty years, society has progressed to a generation that feels entitled to the latest in material acquisitions. People no longer have the patience to wait for what they want by working towards their goals. They have abandoned simplicity in favor of extravagance. This is not the world our children and grandchildren should be raised in.
   
     I've never regretted the decision to put my career on hold to stay home with my children. At times we suffered from it financially, but I'm proud of the fact that my children grew up without having everything handed to them on a silver platter. They understand the value of a dollar and the importance of a good work ethic. My teen son has a job and goes to school full-time, but has yet to test his independence by living on his own. I'm hoping once he is an adult, that he'll appreciate all that our family has done and be thankful for the little things that will one day be the big things in life.
   
     What have I done for you, Son? I've been there for you whenever you needed me. Loved you unconditionally. Helped you navigate your way through adolescence and teenage angst. Spoiled you with hugs and praise rather than a trip to the shopping mall. Taught you to be independent, to take pride in your work and become the man I always knew you could be.
   
     Our family may not have had much while you were growing up, but what we did have was an abundance of laughter and love. You can't put a price tag on that, and you'll be a wealthier man because of it.  




*** The other websites where you can find more Menopausal Mother blog features this week:
http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/deliver-the-liver
http://midlifeboulevard.com/menopausal-acne/
   

   
 You probably don't recognize me with these little lines around my eyes and a figure that went south after giving birth to five children. There's nothing to be ashamed of here; these lines by my eyes came from years of laughter and the scars on my belly are a badge of motherhood I proudly wear.
   
     When you get into high school, stop worrying so much about what other people think and be who you want to be, not who you think your peers expect you to be. Embrace your individuality---it will be the ticket to your success one day.

     Although the school years feel like nothing more than a popularity contest, in the end you'll be happier sticking with a small circle of friends who love you for who you are. They'll be the ones holding a catcher's mitt when life throws you some curve balls.


     Forgiveness. This is a tough one for you, but the bitterness will only weigh you down. Let go of the anger you feel towards those kids who poke fun at you. What you don't realize is how unkind their life is. Their spirit has been broken and they've learned the hard way how to protect themselves by preying on vulnerable people like you

 You waste too much energy berating yourself in front of the mirror. Society has fed you a warped perception of beauty---don't let its definition convince you that you fall short of everyone else's expectations. Stop punishing yourself with starvation diets and binge eating to mask what is really bothering you. The people who made you feel stupid and small inside were wrong. I know how much you're hurting; you just haven't figured out yet that inner beauty outlives physical beauty every time. The mirror is not your enemy; see yourself through your own eyes and know that others love you even though you don't love yourself.


     There will be some unimaginable losses in the years to come---don't be afraid to face them head on. You're going to walk through a valley of grief but you're going to come through the other side a stronger, braver woman. You'll need these experiences to hold up the others when life knocks them down.


     I know you feel as though your parents are judging every move you make and you hate living under a microscope. Strict curfews, lost phone privileges and being grounded from social activities may seem unreasonable, but your parents really do have your best interests at heart.  If they didn't love you, they wouldn't care what you did. Boundaries and rules are a sign of good parenting and tough love. You'll figure this out once you have kids of your own.


     Appreciate the time you have with your family. Those summer vacations in Montana won't last forever. Take your father up on that trip to Scotland before it's too late and spend more time in the garden with your sister. Don't assume she'll always be there for you because she won't. She'll be gone sooner than you think and her absence will leave a hole in your heart that time cannot mend.


     You're going to fall in love several times while you're young, but be more conscious of the men you choose. Your happiness shouldn't depend on them. One will break your heart and in the process break his own. Others will come and go, but each one will teach you a valuable lesson in love that will prepare you for the man you're going to marry. Stay away from the sly one at the bar who asks you to dance. Noting good will come from this. His lies will hurt you more than his fists. He'll tear you down to keep you from standing back up but you will. You are a survivor. One day you'll meet your soul mate and he'll help you find your smile again.



     Life is full of twists and turns; don't be afraid to stray from the well worn path that everyone else is walking. Embrace the challenges you'll face and don't let the fear of failure box you into years of regret.  How will you ever learn anything if you never make a mistake? Trust your intuition, listen to your heart and fight hard for what you believe in. Stop wasting precious time running down hollow streets in search of happiness. You'll find its been inside you all along.



     Don't be in such a hurry to grow up. Slow down and enjoy the ride. Even though you are struggling with some tough, emotional issues, each experience is a small piece of the puzzle, a composition of the beautiful person you'll become.  Every day will be your happiest---live life to the fullest. It will never be this way again.