Last month I wrote about the fifteen things no parent should have to say to their teen daughter (you can read it HERE). So what about the boys? I've raised two sons, as well as daughters, and it seems that in every stage of my boys' lives, from the moment they stood unassisted to when they took their first step, there was a battery of things I NEVER imagined I would have to say to my little male bundles of joy. When they were young, it was the simple stuff like, "I know it looks like a Tootsie Roll but you can't play with the cat's poop"…..."Stop eating dirt---it's not part of the food pyramid"…... "No, that humming wand you found hidden in the back of Mommy's drawer can NOT be used as lightsaber while playing Star Wars."Raising boys is a whole different ballgame, and their teen years are known to reduce even the toughest of parents down to a puddle of anxiety and insecurities. Please know that if you have uttered one or more of the following statements to your teenage son, you're not alone:
*You're gonna need a chain saw to cut those toenails.
*If you keep 'borrowing' gas money from me, I'm trading in your car for a Vespa.
*Just because you have laser lights and a stereo system the size of a Winnebago in your room, it doesn't mean that you're allowed to host a rave every weekend. Our house withstood several hurricanes, but I'm not sure it'll last through the rumblings of your bass.
*Please chew with your mouth closed. I don't need to see how fast your molars can masticate a steak.
*Did you wipe?
*You're going to have arthritis in your fingers by the time you're twenty-five from using your cell phone 24/7.*I don't care how pretty she is---when you take her out on a date, you'd better be thinking with the big head and not the little head.
*All that stinky laundry on your closet floor is making your room smell like a Porta Potty that hasn't been cleaned out in months.
*If you're going to spend THAT much time in the shower, then you need to start scrubbing all the extra "conditioner" off the shower doors.
*Pay your speeding tickets before you end up on a television episode of Cops.
*No, you will not get carpal tunnel syndrome from flushing the toilet several times a day.*It's going to take an ice cream scoop to clean all that wax out of your ears.
You need to make a cell phone payment instead of spending your entire paycheck on sneakers…unless, of course, you plan on ditching the wheels in favor of using your feet to get around.
*Yesterday there was a five pound ham in the refrigerator, and now it's gone. A gallon of milk, two bags of chips, a loaf of bread and an entire box of Oreos are also missing. If you step on the bathroom scale, I think I can solve the mystery of the missing food.
*Belching the alphabet is not a skill that women find attractive.
Thankfully, one of my sons is now an adult who has turned into a fine gentleman. My youngest (and feistiest) still has a few more years to go, but the way I see it, he'll be the one who ends up married with four children. Hopefully all boys.
I'd better keep an ice cream scoop in my pocket at all times…..just in case.
***This week I was thrilled to be featured on Beyond Your Blog! You can read my post about living the writer's life here: http://www.beyondyourblog.com/its-a-writers-life-for-me/#
