Friday, August 4, 2017

Random Thoughts While Sitting In A Diagnostic Lab

     Every three to four months, I'm required by my physician to have blood work done to monitor my medications. I'm not squeamish about having blood drawn, but I am squeamish about the entire process of sitting in the waiting room for an extended period of time with complete strangers.

     After reading all my emails, social media updates, and watching numerous pug videos on my cell phone, boredom sets in. As the saying goes, "An idle brain is the devil's workshop"....my thoughts run the gamut from recalling a meal I ate twenty years ago to imagining how panda bears mate.

     I remember watching my mom at the kitchen sink when I was young----she talked to herself while doing the dishes. Now that I'm at that age, I find myself doing the exact same thing. Luckily, I'm not mumbling out in public....yet. But my brain never shuts up. And today, while sitting in the lab waiting room, my brain kept me fully entertained:

"Geez, this room is packed. I sacrificed two extra hours of sleep and set an early morning appointment just to avoid a long wait. Now there's only two seats left. One next to a geriatric man who looks older than Moses, and one next to a burly young man with a "Money Over Bitches" tattoo on his left shoulder. I suppose I could sit next to him and we could bond over our tattoos, but I don't think he'd appreciate the tiny squirrel inked on my thumb. Okay Moses, you win."

"I wish my stomach would stop growling. No one else in this room has eaten in the past twelve hours, either. I don't hear their stomachs rumbling. Probably because they're not used to eating like a bear out of hibernation, like I do. No coffee, either, unless they like to drink it black. Beasts."

"Who is this elderly lady that wandered in? Oh Lord, she's talking to herself. Something about a yellow tabby cat that she owned when she was five. No no no, don't sit next to me. Don't make eye contact. It's too early for this shit, and I haven't had my coffee yet. I can't people right now."

"Is that a picture of a cheeseburger on the magazine cover? For the love of all that is holy, why would this place have food network magazines scattered across the table when they know damn well we've all been fasting for the past twelve hours? We should form a mutiny and steal all the employee sack lunches from the refrigerator."

"Seriously, dude? No one wants to hear why you were unable to obtain a fecal sample for the lab this early in the morning. God, I need a cup of coffee...."

"Maybe I shouldn't have eaten steak and beets covered in butter last night for dinner. It might screw up my cholesterol numbers when the blood work comes back. If the numbers are too high, my doctor is going to think I eat entire sticks of butter for breakfast."


"There should be a little relaxation room here off to the side for people who have just completed their blood work. If the lab was smart, they'd sell flavored coffees and cinnamon buns. Or maybe even cheeseburgers, like that one on that food magazine cover. They'd make a fortune! Huh. Perhaps I'm onto something here..."

"I NEED TO PEE!"

"Oh great.....I've been sitting in this waiting room for thirty minutes, and now it's pouring outside. I can't drive home in that weather. I'll need a canoe just to navigate my way out of the parking lot. Forget that---it's raining harder. I'll need a yacht.

"Why the hell did that lady get called in before me? I was here first, and I had an appointment, too. And how can she look so good at this ungodly hour? Coiffed hair and perfect makeup. These people are lucky I didn't show up in my bathrobe and bunny slippers."

"Did the nurse just call me name? Yeah, it's MAR-SHA, not MAR-CEE-UH. That's fine---just find a vein quickly and gimme a cup to pee in. Hopefully those buttered beets won't show up in my test results."

 
     I survived my visit to the diagnostics lab and made it home safely in the rain without having to hitch a ride on Noah's ark. However, I'm still disappointed that there were no cinnamon rolls or warm coffee waiting for me after my blood work. Next time, I'm raiding the employees' fridge.


**WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I was recently featured on Perfection Pending. You can check it out here: http://www.perfectionpending.net/2017/07/27/10-reasons-why-not-toddler-trenches-anymore-kind-awesome/

20 comments:

  1. I had the same thoughts waiting for my turn, until I demanded that I be able to get vampired at a local lab- where the waits are non-existent.
    But, then, I miss all those wonderful thoughts that you just shared with us. (All except the tattoos.)

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    1. Yeah, the only thing that wait time is good for is people-watching.

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  2. Haha, I'm going to have blood work today, in fact. I'll be thinking of you. I don't have to fast for this one though. I'm having my coffee now. There's nothing worse than no coffee in the morning. Hope you got your cinnamon bun!

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    1. I didn't get the cinnamon bun but I DID get coffee and a cupcake when I went home, LOL.

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  3. Next time, sit next to me. We'll talk about all the other people...

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    Replies
    1. Will you help me smuggle in some wine?

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  4. I love people watching. Too bad the circumstances weren't a little better. Fun reading your thoughts, though.

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  5. I'm OK with WiFi, which my lab has. I need my phone to tune out the random strangers. More fortunately, my health care professional doesn't require me to pee. For that, it's the urologist, and you get to "go" just as soon as you get there.

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    1. I want to go to your place for my next test!

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  6. I hate sitting around for appointments too. I always get so frustrated. They're adamant that you get there on time, I think that's just to torture you with the wait. Now I try to remember to bring my Kindle with me.

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  7. These days when I'm in a waiting room it seems like everyone else is on a cell phone.

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    1. It's the only thing that saves me. Next to that would be a good book. ANYTHING but a food magazine!

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  8. LOL. Oh, my I so understand what constant buzzing of thoughts in your head is like. I do that a lot. Constantly. Sometimes even in my sleep if you know what I mean. I was so entertained by your thoughts though. So glad everything went well (except for the cinnamon and coffee). Stay cool!

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    1. I tend to get these same thoughts too, on nights of insomnia.

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  9. Next time I find myself in a waiting room, I'll call you for your brain. I'll need it to keep me entertained!

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  10. After I drop Leo of at school this morning I have to go have blood taken, thankfully I was given the container to pee into before I leave home which is good my toilet is a larger room then the one there which is so small it is a wonder a fat woman like me can fit into the room...........lol

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    Replies
    1. Trust me, I have the SAME issues, too!!

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