Saturday, January 21, 2012

One Blemish At A Time

     What the heck is up with middle age acne?  I don't eat mountains of chocolate or greasy food to stimulate pimple production (even if that is a myth), so why do I get the connect-a-dot cluster of red bumps on my face every couple of months?  Preparation for a phantom period? There is no more period, so there should be no more blemishes.  Yet there they are, popping up overnight like groundhogs peeking up out of their holes to predict another six weeks of winter.
     I never had much acne as a teenager, so maybe this is payback time.  Although I do remember attending some sort of college sorority dance looking like Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer.  No amount of foundation or powder could cover up that Bozo The Clown nose.
     Pimples are often stressed-induced, but in my case, they crop up when I'm at my happiest, or, say, ten minutes before I'm about to meet with someone I haven't seen in ten years, or I'm about to pose for the yearly family holiday photo. I can just hear some of my relatives now:

    "Geez, what the heck is that thing on her forehead? Looks like a third eye!"

     "The tip of her nose sure is red---must be nipping at the liquor again!"

     Why haven't they invented menopausal pimple prevention cream?  Probably because there would be too many side effects, such as:

     Permanent rosacea (Looking like an adult with chicken pox)

     Cankles

     Increased cellulite

     A third spare tire around the middle (lookin' like the Michelin Man)

     Inflamed gobbler

     Bat wing fat

     Elephant earlobes

     Unabrow

     A sixth toe on the left foot

     Why are we cursed with blemishes when we've already suffered through our teenage angst years?  The difference is that these are faux zits.  You're not getting your period but you're going to go through all the symptoms of one, like bloating and crying over the Publix holiday commercials---or anything else sentimental.  It makes me want to adopt a puppy or feed a child in Guyana.

     I've tried dermabrasion and chemical peels that leave my face looking like a freshly steamed lobster.  I've heard that some women go so far as to rub cat litter and cream on their faces for a smooth complexion. I cleanse and moisturize, cleanse and moisturize and most days my skin looks pretty darn good.  But then there are those mornings I wake up with one pimple that somehow morphs into a riotous gang of color by the end of the evening.  At this rate I'm afraid I'll still be ordering Proactive from my granny chair at the old folk's home...along with a case load of Metamucil.  Where's the kitty litter facial scrub when I need it? Meow!

19 comments:

  1. I love...LOVE your blog... it sounds so me ! Gone through almost all of your posts:)

    Glad I found you via bloggers.com. Voted and followed you there too You can find me at http://purplechronicle.blogspot.com/

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  2. I feel your pain! I have a spot the size of a molehill on the very end of my nose and it is bright red. Hubby laughed at me until the same thing happened to him two days ago and both of us eat healthily. Excellent post and fabulous blog. I am following as myself today even though I am really Carol from www.facing50withhumour.blogspot.com

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  3. Just advertised your blog on my facebook page ;) Hope many more followers come and visit you.

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  4. Great post! You have a super funny blog :)

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  6. you are funny.. you cracked me up on this one

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  7. While youth is slipping away on me also I can still do most of the same things as before, it just hurts more.

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  8. Let's keep in mind that overproductive skin fights aging ;) Look, you think *you've* got problems? I've had adolescent skin since I was 12!!! I have seriously been buying Clearasil for thir--uh, well, for a very, very long time! Very regularly! No breaks! I may be solely responsible for that brand even still being on the market! Because if I don't use it Exxon tries to install an oil rig on my face!

    Look, the plain fact is...zits make you look younger, lol

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  9. Unless, like my wife, you've threatened to saw off the head of your nearest and dearest with a chainsaw for the heinous crime of smiling at breakfast; you are not getting old and cranky.

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  10. OMG you had me rolling while I was reading this. You took the words right out of my mouth! I never had teenage acne, but now I have acne..doc said "its the the beginning of the change!!!" i looked at her in shock! I am am meds & creams..the acne is so painful and period related. I am now noticing the hairs on my chiny chin chin! ARGHHHHHH..I think women only have a few good years in their youth, then its all down hill from there! great blog btw

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  11. It's all down to those dastardly hormones, I'm afraid. :( I did have teenage acne - in fact it continued right up until I got pregnant at age 38! I then spent a glorious few years spot free, right up until the change hove into view - and then it was back. However, I have to say that it has wandered off, just as quickly as it wandered back in to my life. Now, at 52, I'm happy to say that I just have to battle the beardy hairs, the cholesterol spots and the eye bags. Well, that's just my face - we'd probably better not start on the rest!

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  12. This post was fantastic! Not in a horrible way, you had me in stitches you write so well! I was reading bits out to Mum and she's agreeing with everything you said! xo

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  13. You and I have the worst things in common.

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    Replies
    1. Like minds think alike---keeps me smiling!

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  15. ROFL :D that's hilarious ... Kitty scrub!! oh my god... that's extreme :D

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