Menopausal Mother

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, the two of us are inviting you into our homes to give you a fly's eye view of what goes on behind closed doors. 

That nosy fly felt right at home with us recently on our first RV trip we took over the weekend of June 9. He brought a bunch of his friends, too, but I didn't care because I was having too much fun exploring beautiful Highlands Hammock State Park in Florida. If you know me well, then you already know that RV camping has been on my bucket list for many years. Hubs and I have dreamed of retiring together and hitting the road in a little RV, and we finally took the first step to make that dream come true. 

We rented a fully equipped 24 ft. drivable RV and it was perfect! I'm a very organized person who did my research, so the trip went smoothly and was absolutely the most relaxing vacation I have ever had. In fact, I'd say this trip was a game changer for me and my hubs. We know for sure now that this is the life we want, so we are making future plans to turn this dream lifestyle into a reality. The cool thing is that Hubs will be retiring next year, and I work remotely with my writing job, so I can continue to write anywhere, anytime. 

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, there are three brave bloggers allowing you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind closed doors.

     As the COVID-19 numbers here in Florida continue to escalate, our family is pretty much still in quarantine mode. Our family sees each other, but that is the extent of our social life right now. No restaurants, bars, parks, or gyms. We only go to one another's homes on the weekends for a swim and backyard barbeques. And that's enough for me because family is #1. Besides, I really enjoy the company of my kiddos.

     I haven't had a chance this month to keep track of some of our funnier conversations, but I HAVE captured a few photos here and there of time with my favorite people on the planet:


This is the face my husband makes when he hasn't had his coffee yet.
                 
                 She definitely takes after her grandfather's side of the family....
                   
I guess that cupcake didn't taste so good after all.
Nothing a little liquor can't fix!

She's learning how to make silly faces from the pro.
***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? You can find me this week on Humor Outcasts discussing senior citizen beer flavors here: https://humoroutcasts.com/2020/specialty-beers-for-the-geriatric-generation/


Click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, six bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a glimpse at what you might see and hear if you were a fly on their wall.

     We're too hot to do much this month as we deal with the interminable heat of summer. Living in south Florida from June to September is like living in Satan's armpit for four months. Or like experiencing a hot flash that never ends. This is my life. The only way to keep my sense of humor is to stick my head in the freezer every 30 minutes. My husband also has a sense of humor. He bought me a "wearable sports fan." For real. I don't care how dumb it looks on me; it's worth it not to melt into a puddle every time I walk the dogs.

     Anyway, here are some snippets of conversation the fly overheard while he was sweating on the wall:


"I love riding my spin bike at home, blasting tunes and singing along with the music. But this morning, I don't think the dogs appreciated it when I hit that high note on A-ha's 'Take On Me.'"

"I remember in high school when my best friend and I went to this small gas station near her home, there was a big guy who worked there and he had a crush on her. Every time he saw Ginny, he made a point of trying to impress her by telling her that he was a firebug."
"Well, that's not creepy at all..."

"I can't believe that after 15 attempts, I FINALLY got a publication acceptance from McSweeney's on my funny post about those nasty seaweed chips! Do you think this will make me famous for humor writing?"
"No, it'll make you famous for hating seaweed chips."

"I love coming home from work and popping open a few beers."
"Yes, I can tell. You do it every single night."
"Yep. The only difference between me and an alcoholic is that they go to meetings every Tuesday night. "


"You really need to start using a moisturizer on your face."
"Yeah, I know. There isn't enough lotion in the world to smooth out my deep wrinkles. I've got a map of the Grand Canyon on my face."

"I've eaten so much meat tonight that I'm pretty sure I've consumed Noah's entire ark."

"What's taking so long for the waiter to bring out our food? All he has done so far is set our table. I'm so hungry, I might chew on the silverware."
"Maybe that's all he thinks we need for dinner---edible napkins on a plate."

"I don't know why they call this a memory foam mattress. I still don't remember anything after I wake up."

"My mother served us beef tongue when I was a child. She tried to disguise it under layers of ketchup and pass it off as meatloaf. I knew something was wrong when I saw the pointed end of a tongue and taste buds on the surface. This is why I have trust issues today."

     I don't have trust issues, but I DO have fan issues. As in, I need MORE!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm thrilled to have a new essay published on the website Human Parts: "The Healing Power Of Ink." You can read it here: https://tinyurl.com/y2oauld5

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

     If there is one creation on earth that I hate above all else, it is the COCKROACH. We have plenty of them down here in south Florida because these nasty insects love the tropics as much as the tourists do. We call ours "palmetto bugs," and they're the size of chupacabras. Even worse--the females can FLY (the true definition of hell).

     Another disgusting and horrifying thing about cockroaches: they refuse to DIE, no matter how many times they're sprayed with poison or squished with a shoe. I'm convinced they'll survive the apocalypse in a zombie-cockroach kind of way....which means that we're all doomed.

     I've had enough years in Florida to "observe" cockroaches, (what I really mean is that I SCREAM and run in TERROR) and the females are particularly tenacious. They give birth to dozens of babies at once and are quite clever about laying their eggs in hidden places. I'm certain they have a secret agenda, but if I had to think like a female cockroach, I imagine this is what my daily agenda would be:
                              

6:00 a.m.  Kitchen lights on. Hide under toaster and nibble on crumbs.

6:45 a.m. Rummage around silverware drawer for more crumbs. Avoid roach motel.

7:30 a.m. Mix and Mingle Party under shower drain.

8:45 a.m. Invite girlfriends over to raid open bag of Chips Ahoy left in pantry.

9:00 a.m. Come down from sugar high. Check reflection in mirror to make sure chocolate chip cookies did not make butt look bigger.


10:00 a.m. Engage in Yeti tactics with furry, four-legged creature. Wiggle antennas and scurry under door mat before getting caught.

12:00 p.m. Nap time (check out wet laundry pile at bottom of teenage boy's closet).

3:00 p.m. Catch up over coffee grounds in trash bin with girlfriends

5:00 p.m. Dinner: remnants of food left in dog bowl.

7:00 p.m. Hang out incognito with humans watching Orange Is The New Black by blending in with floral drapes.

8:00 p.m. FREAK OUT HUMANS (Bitch, you think that Raid shit is gonna kill me? We've survived trips on Russian spaceships and we'll be here long after your species is extinct).

10:00 p.m. Kitchen lights out. Party time!

10:15 p.m. Kitchen lights on----everyone hide under the dishwasher!

11:00 p.m. Rendezvous with sweetheart behind toilet. Make 100 baby cucarachas. Smoke afterwards.

2:30 a.m. Early morning smorgasbord with friends on kitchen counter: leftover pizza crust, two lettuce leaves (for the dieters) and several tortilla chip crumbs. Lick margarita glasses left in sink.

5:00 a.m. Climb tiles in shower to work off extra tortilla chip calories.

5:30 a.m. Groom wings, get manicure on all six legs, lay egg in Tupperware bin.

5:55 a.m. Plan baby shower.

6:00 a.m. Lights on---a new day! Meet girls for breakfast under the toaster oven. Discuss wing span length of buff cockroach living two drawers down. Fantasize about the day we will INHERIT THE EARTH.



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? It has been a BUSY week for me!! I co-wrote a satirical list post with close friend and fellow humorist Linda Roy, and we were featured on The Weekly Humorist! You can read the post here:  https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/new-requirements-for-voter-registration-under-the-trump-administration/  Later this week, I had my first feature post on Little Old Lady Comedy---a fun, new essay on why menopause doesn't suck, which you can read here:  https://littleoldladycomedy.com/2018/09/05/why-menopause-doesnt-always-suck/

     I'm thrilled to have Margaret Lashley, author of Glad One: Starting Over Is A @%&%#! , on the blog today! I "met" Margaret online in one of the social media writer's groups that I belong to, and immediately felt that I had found a kindred spirit. Margaret has written several funny, women's fiction books, and today she is generously sharing a chapter from her latest. On Amazon, the book is described as, "Glad One is a satirical look at divorce, single-hood and climbing back up the social scale told through the eyes of a sarcastic, reluctantly redneck woman who's a magnet for the absurd."

     I'm already hooked after reading several chapters----Margaret's humor is something I can certainly relate to, and I think that you will, too!


                         GLAD ONE: STARTING OVER IS A @%&%#!

    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group posting. 13 bloggers are inviting you into their homes today for a glimpse into their private lives. Thank you once again Karen from Baking In A Tornado for hosting these hilarious group posts!

     The past month has been a mixture of joy and sorrow for me. As many of you know, my mother passed away unexpectedly on April 4th. My family has been dealing with the loss as best we can, and  in typical Doyle fashion, using humor to get through the rough patches.

     On a lighter note, one of the highlights from earlier in the month was my trip to Dayton Ohio for the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop conference. I had one of the best times of my life meeting many of my online blogger friends and taking educational courses to improve my writing skills. Since I don't fly, I convinced dear ol' Hubs to drive me again this year, just like he did for the last conference in 2014 (you can read all about it HERE). Being trapped in a car together for 19 hours spurred many an interesting conversation and quite a bit of binge eating. When I wasn't napping or stuffing my face with Pringle's chips and peanut M&Ms, Hubs and I enjoyed the scenery around us. I received some strange looks from people at truck stops when I climbed out of the car with my purple hair, but all in all, we had a great time.


     If you had been a fly on the wall in our car during the road trip, here are some tidbits of conversation you would have overheard:

"You know you're old when you have to drive with a knee brace on."

"I think the GPS is drunk. It keeps getting us lost. It needs its own GPS."

"How am I supposed to eat this gooey sandwich while driving at the same time? It's like trying to hold a sloppy joe behind the steering wheel. Half of the goop ends up in my lap."
"Well, at least you'll have some leftovers on your shorts for later in case you get hungry again."


"Why is it that when we leave the state of Florida, all the radio stations only play oldies music?"
"Because we're fossils who still remember all the lyrics. Most of these singers are already dead....someone must be trying to tell us something."

"Can't you drive any faster up this mountain road?"
"I'm driving a Prius, what do you expect? It's like driving a car powered by hamsters. When someone asks me if it's a four cylinder, I tell them, 'No, it's a four hamster.' And right now, I think one of them just died going up this mountain side."

"I'm an emotional drinker, and you are seriously stressing me out during this road trip. Oh look! A pub!"
"Good to know I won't need to call 911 now."

"We need to lay off on the bean burritos. This car can only handle so much gas. "
"At least it's not just one of us doing it. My farts are responding to your farts."
"Yeah---we're sharing fart emojis."

" We need to get an RV and take more road trips. We could retire early and live off our savings."
"That sounds great, but what will we do for money the following week?"

"Sometimes there just aren't enough curse words invented to meet my demands after a day like today."

"What do you mean I'd be lousy at camping? I'm an outdoorsy type of guy."
"Only if your tent comes with a large cooler full of beer."

"My legs and knees are so sore and stiff from sitting in the car for five hours, I can barely stand. It's a good thing no one is trying to rob us at gun point right now, because I wouldn't be able to run. I'd just hand over my wallet and tell them they're welcome."


THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO OUT OF TOWN AND YOUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD GRANDDAUGHTER GETS AHOLD OF YOUR MAKEUP KIT