Friday, September 7, 2018

The Daily Itinerary Of A Female Cockroach

     If there is one creation on earth that I hate above all else, it is the COCKROACH. We have plenty of them down here in south Florida because these nasty insects love the tropics as much as the tourists do. We call ours "palmetto bugs," and they're the size of chupacabras. Even worse--the females can FLY (the true definition of hell).

     Another disgusting and horrifying thing about cockroaches: they refuse to DIE, no matter how many times they're sprayed with poison or squished with a shoe. I'm convinced they'll survive the apocalypse in a zombie-cockroach kind of way....which means that we're all doomed.

     I've had enough years in Florida to "observe" cockroaches, (what I really mean is that I SCREAM and run in TERROR) and the females are particularly tenacious. They give birth to dozens of babies at once and are quite clever about laying their eggs in hidden places. I'm certain they have a secret agenda, but if I had to think like a female cockroach, I imagine this is what my daily agenda would be:

6:00 a.m.  Kitchen lights on. Hide under toaster and nibble on crumbs.

6:45 a.m. Rummage around silverware drawer for more crumbs. Avoid roach motel.

7:30 a.m. Mix and Mingle Party under shower drain.

8:45 a.m. Invite girlfriends over to raid open bag of Chips Ahoy left in pantry.

9:00 a.m. Come down from sugar high. Check reflection in mirror to make sure chocolate chip cookies did not make butt look bigger.

10:00 a.m. Engage in Yeti tactics with furry, four-legged creature. Wiggle antennas and scurry under door mat before getting caught.

12:00 p.m. Nap time (check out wet laundry pile at bottom of teenage boy's closet).

3:00 p.m. Catch up over coffee grounds in trash bin with girlfriends

5:00 p.m. Dinner: remnants of food left in dog bowl.

7:00 p.m. Hang out incognito with humans watching Orange Is The New Black by blending in with floral drapes.

8:00 p.m. FREAK OUT HUMANS (Bitch, you think that Raid shit is gonna kill me? We've survived trips on Russian spaceships and we'll be here long after your species is extinct).

10:00 p.m. Kitchen lights out. Party time!

10:15 p.m. Kitchen lights on----everyone hide under the dishwasher!

11:00 p.m. Rendezvous with sweetheart behind toilet. Make 100 baby cucarachas. Smoke afterwards.

2:30 a.m. Early morning smorgasbord with friends on kitchen counter: leftover pizza crust, two lettuce leaves (for the dieters) and several tortilla chip crumbs. Lick margarita glasses left in sink.

5:00 a.m. Climb tiles in shower to work off extra tortilla chip calories.

5:30 a.m. Groom wings, get manicure on all six legs, lay egg in Tupperware bin.

5:55 a.m. Plan baby shower.

6:00 a.m. Lights on---a new day! Meet girls for breakfast under the toaster oven. Discuss wing span length of buff cockroach living two drawers down. Fantasize about the day we will INHERIT THE EARTH.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? It has been a BUSY week for me!! I co-wrote a satirical list post with close friend and fellow humorist Linda Roy, and we were featured on The Weekly Humorist! You can read the post here:  Later this week, I had my first feature post on Little Old Lady Comedy---a fun, new essay on why menopause doesn't suck, which you can read here:


  1. They're just practicing for the times we are gone (either from nuclear war or climate change) and they rule the roost.

  2. Oh, do I ever have nightmarish memories of my two years living in Tampa and my encounters with palmetto bugs. In fact, I may have shared such memory once on my blog, a long time ago. At least you found humor in them!

  3. Ugh. I hate these things. They are precisely why I do not travel farther south than about Maryland. LOL And I don't care what you call them...still a roach.

  4. It's all true! (I'm imagining. We don't get cockroaches in our neck of the woods. Wasps. Mosquitoes. Yes. Cockroaches? No.) Husby says that following the apocalypse, only cockroaches and Tupperware will survive. Wise of little mama roach to lay her egg in that Tupperware. ;)

  5. Haha!! This was frightening yet perfectly hilarious. 11:00 pm got me good and of course, coffee grounds with the girls. LOL. I hate cockroaches. WE don't have any here, luckily due to our cold winters.

  6. I can't even stand to see pictures of them. You've totally given me the heebie jeebies. OK, a laugh or two, but the heebie jeebies as well.

    1. I completely understand---I gave myself the heebie jeebies just writing it!

  7. Funny!

    Hawaii has big flying ones too. We called 'em B-52's. For some reason here in NYC people call the big ones "water bugs" - I always laugh a little when I hear somebody use that term and think "who do you think you're fooling, that is just a big-ass roach". At least the big roaches in NYC don't fly (at least I've never seen one fly here).

    1. I've also heard those terms for cockroaches before. Love the B-52 name because they really do look like that!

  8. OMG! I couldn't live there. I have a bug phobia, especially to certain bugs including cockroaches. YUCK! Now I got the heebee jeebies.

  9. I'm totally with you on this one, Marcia - cockroaches are grotesque, Satan's insects.

    I remember doing a physiology degree at university in my early 20s. In the lab we would use cockroaches to explore nerve conduction (as I recall, their legs have hairs on them which, for some reason, are accessible for experimentation). I always recall a large plastic jar teeming with several squirming layers of live cockroaches. Each of the students had to approach the jar to take one out for the experiment. A friend of mine - in an attempt to impress - offered to do it for each of the girls in the class; he put his bare arm in the jar, lost his nerve, and in an effort to quickly withdraw he inadvertently tipped over the jar sending hundreds of live cockroaches scuttling across the workbench. It's a memory I still have nightmares about!

  10. When I was young, I always screamed for my mom whenever I saw a cockroach. Then I left home and there was no one to scream for help. So, I always made sure I have Raid at home and spray it from like 5 feet away. I probably can use up half a can for 1 cockroach. Ha! Ha!



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