Friday, December 13, 2013

A Menopausal Mother's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa:

    You might remember me from last year---you know, the crazy lady who wrote a letter begging you to stuff her stocking with Prozac and M&MS? Yeah, that was me. I have a new wish list this time, so put the cookies down and listen up. You owe me that much after replacing the Prozac with a bathroom scale last year. Not funny.
     There are several things a woman needs once she hits menopause. If my husband and kids are smart, they'll attach my list to their letters to you. A happy mother equals a happy home. A raging, hormonal woman stuffing Dunkin Donuts down her throat, not so much. 
     The first thing I need is a body makeover. If you think liposuction, a Brazilian butt lift and Botox are too extravagant, I'll settle for a new girdle. Remember Wonderbras? How about getting those lazy elves of yours off the shelf to invent some WonderSpanx? My body could use the extra lift and tuck.
     Santa, can you do something about my hot flashes? I'm tired of feeling like I swallowed the sun. I'm burning from the inside out like a potato left too long in the microwave. If this keeps up much longer, I'm going to end up looking as brown and wrinkled as an overcooked spud.
     While you're at it, I'd also love a good night's sleep for Christmas. Insomnia and fatigue are sharing the same straw and sucking up all of my energy these days. At first, the insomnia part was fun. I discovered that they sell some pretty amazing stuff on the Shopping Network at 3:00 a.m. Doesn't everybody need a nose hair trimmer that doubles as a toenail clipper? 
     The extra hours of being awake were great until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror after several days without sleep….and all this time I thought vampires couldn't see their reflection. 
     I've tried to sleep, but I'm a hot mess in bed. And not in a good way. These hot flashes have me waking every hour and sticking to the bedsheets like a rat caught in a glue trap. I'm tired of looking like a nocturnal creature or a cast member from The Walking Dead. 
     The lack of sleep is spoon feeding my mood swings. This Jeckyll and Hyde thing is getting old. Nobody wants to see a menopausal woman with OCD tendencies organizing dust bunnies according to size and weeping over the ones that die at the hands of a Hoover upright. 
     This is why I need your help, Santa. Let's make a deal. You stuff my stocking with Prozac, WonderSpanx and miracle chocolate that makes the extra pounds disappear. In return, I'll bring you my hot flashes and a palm tree to warm the North Pole so you can work on your tan.  I'll even throw in a pair of nose trimmer/toenail clippers as a gift.
     What do you say, Santa?                                                      

****Meno Mama was all over the internet this week! Here are several sites that featured some blog posts from me, including my weekly feature over at In The Powder Room:
http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-12-10-reasons-why-i-adore-my-husband.html
http://midlifeboulevard.com/hot-flashes
http://whattheflicka.com/holiday-hoarder
http://aiminglow.com/2013/12/guest-post-author-marcia-kester-doyle-five-wishes-for-santa-rtp/



        

50 comments:

  1. Hahaha!!

    I can so relate to the part about looking in a mirror after 7 days of no sleep.

    I'm like, "What the fuck? I'm only 35! Why do I look like a washed up, has been haggard old bitch?"

    That really happens.

    Tell Santa to bring me some sleep too.

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    1. I feel your pain. This is why some of us are on Facebook at some ungodly hours.

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  2. The issue with being part of the midlife group is that as a peri-menopausal women, the full blown menopause scares me to death based on how you all describe it. Yikes! I hope you get some of your wishes from Santa.

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    1. It really is whatever you make it--I just take it with a dash of humor to ease the pain Lol!

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  3. lol the shopping network at 3 am and nose clippers. As to prozac, I keep thinking I'll get off it as things get better but they just keep snowballing damn it…as to sleep, add a shot of vodka, half a diazepam and Benadryl. Works like a dream even if you feel like a slug next morning. Don't worry, I'm not going to pass out and drown in the bathtub. Who was that, whitney Houston?

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    1. OMG Sandra you're killing me here! HAHAHA!!! Good one! I WILL take the vodka, though!

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  4. I hope Santa brings you everything you wish for HOT Mama!!! Me, I'm 50 and just want these damn periods to stop coming. Seriously, WTH?????? I even had that stupid ablation surgery and they still keep comin' regular as clockwork. Give me menopause Santa!!!!!!

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    1. Wow! You still have periods after all that? I think I'd better add your name to my letter so he comes there to help you out, too!

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  5. Ill take menopause over periods any day of the week!

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    1. Well…I could do without the sudden surprise visits from "Aunt Rose", but these hot flashes, mood swings and weight gain are killer!

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  6. "and I thought vampires couldn't see their reflection" haha! I've often looked in the mirror and almost screamed - GAH. This was great, but makes me skeert for what's ahead of me! I'm not dealing with menopause yet (knocks wood) but I had awful years of (blah blah blah you don't wanna hear it I promise) and then I got a hysterectomy in 2010 and I've been period free ever since! (don't punch me!). I don't remind my friends of this fact or they'll strangle me! So I'm livin' pretty sweet as far as THAT hormonal stuff goes. But I did just turn 43, so I have my fair share of getting older shit happening, that's fo sho! ugh. NOT pretty. And NOT looking forward to feeling like I've swallowed the sun?!?! yuck.

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    1. Since you have already had the hysterectomy, maybe it won't be as bad, I'm thinking? Ok I'm HOPING to won't e as bad. Love seeing you here, Beth!

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  7. Sounds like Santa would do well to strike the deal, that red suit doesn't hide the fact that he does not have a tan. :)

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    1. He might even look like Elvis a bit if he got a tan and dyed his hair black….

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  8. Your play on words is AMAZING!!! I love it. I'm here with you in the menopause game.
    What I really want for Christmas is the magic all-in-one pill that takes off the pounds and puts you into full blown menopause with no side-effects overnight. Oh and no wrinkles too! Is that asking for too much?

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    1. If you find that pill, send me the prescription!

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  9. You forgot tequila.. everyone should have a good margarita for Christmas, jus sayin'

    ~Jessie

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    1. If you're buying, I'm your best drinking buddy! :-)

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  10. You all must hate us men as we don't have to go through any of this. From reading this I am happy for that!

    I think I'll slowly back away from this blog post before I get ganged up on!

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    1. Hahahahaha! I always feel bad for my male readers in the group when I post something like this.

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  11. Been there, sweated that. It's the only time I liked winter. I could hang my head out the car window like a dog and feel instant relief.

    Fun piece!

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    1. I WISH we had snow where I live. I would be sticking my head in a pile if it daily! Maybe even hourly!

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  12. The things some women have to go through. Childbirth and the menopausal equals no joke. Who said women are the weaker sex? Men have been let off easy I say. A simple man-flu and the reaction equals fake dying for days, ha ha ha ha.

    This post is so funny. After Christmas let me know if you got that visit from Santa and was granted your wishes, because if you did, I WILL be celebrating it next year and writing a 10 page letter with my requests, ha ha ha ha.
    Have a great weekend MM, now you got me laughing about this Wonderspanx thing :)

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    1. Seriously---I need some WonderSpanx for Christmas. Do you know anyone who has connections with the big jolly guy in the red suit?

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  13. Thank you darling Marcia for sharing. Across the Pacific Ocean, thousands of miles away Pinky too lies sweating in her bed. Throwing the covers off every hour, then feeling cold and scrabbling around between the Chihuahua and the Fox Terrier and husband to find them again. Dry skin, dry everything. Please Santa give us some relief xx

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    1. Nice to know I'm not the only one sweating, Pinky!

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  14. Check. Check. Check. Can I just write 'ditto' and copy and paste for my letter to the Big Guy?
    You and me, Marcia! You and me!

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    1. You betcha! Santa would have his hands full with us!

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  15. Santa brought me a scale a few years ago. Nearly threw it at him! A year or two before that, he brought me a tire inflator for the car. Now I don't know what I've done to inspire such gifts from the big happy guy in the red suit, but I'm with you! It's gotta stop! Hope your hysterical letter helps! I sure enjoyed it and am still laughing! :D

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    1. Awwww..thank you, Marcia! You comment has me giggling, too. Not sure how I would feel about those gifts--who on earth GAVE those to you???

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  16. You will have to let me know how you make out Santa... then I can write a letter for next year... lol

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  17. Forget the Prozac. Lexapro is the way to go. I've been taking it for years because of anxiety and just learned about the side-benefit...one of its off-label uses is the it cuts out hot flashes! I've never had one. It is wonderful. --Deb in Newhall

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    1. I am DEFINITELY going to be checking that out!!!

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  18. Ha this is a good one, I told my husband one wish I had for him was to experience a hot flash - then he'll know what I'm complaining about!

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    1. Agreed! Every man should have to go through a full month of menopause to get a feel for what we have to endure!

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  19. I hope Santa brings you all you desire. I love your style of writing, so lively, and littered with intelligent, real-life humor.

    Give me the details of the toe-nail/nose-hair clipper; I could put this to good use.

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    1. Bryan, thank you so much for the kind words--you made my day! Oh yes--I'll let you know how those special clippers work….

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  20. LOL.. you nailed it! Santa needs a talkin' to and those elves.. all that happy happy shreeky silliness... put a stocking in it you little $hit$, mamma needs some quiet time! Love your sense of humor.. if you can't laugh.. you just may cry... :)

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    1. Got that right! My humor is completely based on the insanity that would normally make me cry---so I might as well laugh all the way.

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  21. The other day my son was asking what I wanted for Christmas. I said "for our family to stay healthy and a good nights' sleep." He was like "moooom, I can't wrap that for you!" Still it's my Christmas wish. So let's see what happens. Good luck for your wishes! Let't talk again in January!

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    1. Here's to 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

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    2. You've GOT to read this ;-)
      http://coachdaddyblog.wordpress.com/2013/12/18/guest-post-janine-of-confessions-of-a-mommyaholic-gives-the-ultimate-mamas-wish-list/

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  22. Hi Marsha! I'd like to get in on that Wonderspanx deal, if you don't mind. I am at the point where the hot flashes are beginning to be a memory, thank goodness. But I remember standing in line to check out around Christmas time, and shedding my down coat, dropping it down on the floor. I was dying I felt so hot. (and the opposite that happens when the flash passes? Shivers, of course!)

    I hope you get that sleep from Santa. I am a mess and not a very nice person if I haven't slept.
    Maybe in your stocking???
    Ceil

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    1. Yes! The lack of sleep brings out my dark side, and even the kids retreat and hide at that point.

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  23. You sound like my college friend Jenny, who's now in the throes of menopauase (and who has no idea yet that she will be my Yoda when my time comes...which is just beginning, and no hot flashes yet :) If Santa is wise he will not @#$% with a menopausal mother :)

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    1. You better contact me when the first one strikes---I'll walk you through it with plenty of chocolate and rum!

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  24. I think this is one of my favorites of your posts!

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    1. Thank you, Theresa! I had a lot of fun writing it!

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