I'm ringing in the New Year with one of the funniest bloggers I know! Please welcome Tracy Cliburn Georges of http://www.crazyasnormal.com. Her wacky sense of humor resonates with me and I'm betting once you start reading her blog, you'll be going back for more of this talented writer's quirky wit. Get ready to get your laugh on and leave this awesome lady some comment love.
I’ll Show You Resolutions
Keeping your New Year’s resolutions is hard. Super hard. Like trying to hold on to an otter bathed in baby oil. Like trying to say Justin Bieber makes great music without laughing. Like having a political discussion without mentioning Obamacare.
For the last couple of years I have posted my resolutions on Facebook – because a) it helps hold me accountable and b) I’m a narcissist comedian who loves it when people “like” her posts (but a cute and loveable narcissist). You are so lucky because you not only get to see my results from last year’s resolutions - you get to be the first to hear my new ones! (I know you’re very excited and yes of course I will pause for a second while you go change your underwear.)
2013 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION #1: I will find another way to motivate my children to do what I asked other than atomic wedgies. I was able to keep this all the way until December 20 – but you guys don’t understand – he totally deserved it!
2013 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION #2: When someone says something idiotic, I will wait until AFTER they have walked away to roll my eyes. I did it y’all! I was able to only roll my eyes behind people’s backs. I never once had to answer the question “Did you just roll your eyes at me?” because I did it in secret!
2013 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION #3: You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me. But I am never ever ever ever dressing appropriately for my age. I did once. It was sometime in mid-November. And I still remember exactly how I felt that day. <shudder>
2013 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION #4: I will stop calling my children "Dude" because they are now calling their grandparents that. Dude. I failed this. I completely and totally failed this.
2013 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION #5: I will stop trying to make everybody happy all the time because it's literally making me crazy. And I will stop saying literally all the time. Even though I really am literally crazy. Short story long, I failed this one too. If you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you’ll know I sort of fell off the face of the earth in the fall. It’s because I didn’t stop trying to make everyone happy all the time. And I sort of really did go crazy. BUT. Therapy - which is an awesome and amazing thing. Best part of all? This is my official reentry into blogging (Thanks Meno Mom!) AND I no longer care if everyone is happy or not. Also it caused my eldest son to say “Mom – please stop therapy-ing me,” which is still making me giggle.
2013 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION #6: I will stop telling work that I am late because I was fighting ninjas, delivering a baby or helping Dr. Who disarm a bomb. I will give the real reason, which is usually because the cats are asleep on me and I don't want to wake them up and because my bed feels better than my desk chair. Kept this one! I didn’t even go the zombie route. I was brutally honest about my tardiness, even if it was “I am late because I changed outfits seven times. But doesn’t this look cute?”
I am grading myself on a curve, because it’s my made-up test and rules, and so I’m saying that I passed. Obviously this whole accountability thing works. Sort of. Anyway – without further ado, I present my six 2014 New Year’s Resolutions! (Please hold your applause until after all resolutions are made. Thank you.)
#1: I am totally going to stop saying and writing “totally” all the time. Because it’s totes annoying. I’m also going to stop saying and writing “totes”. I may dress like I’m 21, but that doesn’t mean I have to sound like I’m 21.
#2: I will start actually eating at parties that serve food rather than ignoring it so that my husband won’t have to stop and pick me up fries on the way home because I’m so hungry I could eat a horse (made of tofu).
#3: I’m going to blog. Like a boss. And I’m going to concentrate on my writing, not my Facebook followers or tweet favorites. Because WWEHD? (What would Earnest Hemmingway do?)
#4: I’m going to say “No,” when I can’t do things and not feel bad about it. I’m not superwoman. No one is. Not even Super Woman. For reals, y’all.
#5: I’m going to be all assertive and stuff - if that’s okay with you. Wait. I mean I’m going to assertive. So. In your face, yo.
#6: I will not spend all night sitting in front of my computer at home after I spent all day sitting in front of a computer at work. And no I’m not just saying that because I got a notebook for Christmas and can lay in bed or on the couch with my computer. Okay. Maybe that’s exactly why I’m saying it.
All hilarity and guffaws aside, every year gives us a fresh start. I normally completely squander that. This year I’m not going to waste a single minute Well – I might waste a few –Wikipedia have been known to steal my soul for hours.
Also, if I had not spent an inordinate amount of time researching stuff, I never would have known that the quote “It is never too late to be what you might have been,” actually is non-existent and the closest match is from a poem written by Adelaide Anne Procter and I actually like it better:
“No star is ever lost we once have seen,
We always may be what we might have been. “
This year, I’m not going to be afraid. This year, I will climb mountains. This year, I will do my best to not take things for granted. This year, I will listen to my daughter’s entire dream from last night. This year, I will make eye contact with as many people as I can and smile. This year, I will understand that every time my husband says “As you wish”, he really means “I love you.” This year, I will not justify my complaints as “first world problems” because Sudan, North Korea, Syria, Haiti and others. This year, I will laugh more. I’ll love more. And I’ll breathe more.
What are you going to do this year?
Oh. And you can totes start clapping now. (What?! It’s not 2014 yet. Der.)
You can find Tracy at all these places:
Please ignore the inactivity as she is back on the bandwagon. Not literally. She doesn’t even really know what a bandwagon is. Which is why she’s looking it up on Wikipedia right now.