I met today's Wacky Wednesday Writer guest blogger last spring in a writer's group when we started working together on a project. Since we're close in age, I felt an instant kinship with this lovely lady and I adore her sense of humor. Please welcome Vikki Claflin of http://laugh-lines.net. I relate to her on so many levels---I only wish we lived closer to each other so we could share a cup of coffee and some laughs together! She's a skilled writer with a big heart who often shares and promotes other blogger's work. Please welcome my dear friend Vikki to Meno Mama's site today and show her some comment love! Thank you!
Step
1: Preheat the Oven Step 2: Hose Down the Cat
Found
an uber-cute plantation-style house for rent in Maui a few years ago
(admittedly less “Gone with the Wind,” and more 140-yr-old
sharecropper’s cottage) on an old banana plantation, complete with
original plumbing AND appliances. Quaint, but not without some
inconveniences.
Jake,
then 6, came home and announced he needed to take cookies to school
the next day for yet another fundraiser. (Seriously? $9000 a year for
private school and they need a BAKE SALE?) Trying not to panic, since
I don’t cook and those “I sew MY child’s Halloween costume
myself” mothers can be mean,
I decided to at least attempt to fit in and make my kid proud.
Dug
up what looked like a simple cookie recipe (no weird “cream of
tartar” or instructions on how to draw little happy faces on the
top with pointy tubes of frosting…for the love of God, who ARE
these women??), set out the ingredients, then read “Preheat the
oven to 350.” Hmmm. There’s 5 knobs on the front. When I turn the
one that says “Temp,” all I hear is a hissing sound from inside
the oven. I may not be Martha in the kitchen, but I’m reasonably
sure ovens should not hiss.
Called a girlfriend, who asked if the pilot light was on. WTH is a
“pilot light”? “You have a gas oven. You need to light the
pilot light inside the oven to turn it on.” Historically, kitchens
with flames have not worked out well for me, but this was for MY BOY,
so I was going in.
Clueless
about where to find the mysterious pilot light, I flicked on a long
candle-type lighter, opened the oven door, stuck the lighter in and
waved it around, hoping it would somehow figure out where to go so I
could get chopping on my bragging rights.
The
next thing I heard was a BANG, immediately followed by a WHOOOSH
of thick, greasy black smoke billowing out of the oven, covering me,
the walls, the table, all my ingredients, and Poi, the mangy (and now
seriously pissed) plantation cat that happened to stroll by looking
for handouts, with oily black soot. Well, crap.
Jake
is standing in the doorway, doubled over with laughter, with all the
glee of a first-grader whose mother has just completely torched her
kitchen for his personal amusement, while he chortled, “Boy, the
other mothers aren’t going to believe THIS. We should take a
picture of you, Mom. This is GREAT!!” Pick up that camera and die,
mister.
But
give me an hour to clean up this mess, take a shower and hose down
the cat. Then we’re off to Safeway for Oreos. And if I get kicked
off the Christmas Pageant Committee, we’re going back for wine. Bet
those mothers can’t make THAT.
BIO:
"Vikki
is an author, humor blogger, public speaker, and former newspaper
columnist. She can be found in "Life Well Blogged,
Parenting Gag Reels," available at Amazon.com. She has been
regularly featured on Erma Bombeck's Writer's Website and Better
After 50 online magazine. Vikki shares her most embarrassing moments
as she comes to terms with middle age, and she laughs as hard as we
do. So pour the wine, grab your Spanx, and check her out at Laugh
Lines!
Vikki Claflin
Blog: Laugh Lines
Facebook: https://facebook.com/laughlinesblog
Twitter: http://twitter.com/vikkiclaflin
***In case you missed it, Meno Mama is in a really cool blogging contest called Voice Boks! I would be very grateful if you could take a moment of your time to toss a vote my way. It's real easy---just click on the link here, scroll down to my blog name "Menopausal Mom," then click on the heart next to it and BAM you're done! Thank you for your support! http://voiceboks.com/top-50-hilariously-funny-nominated-parent-bloggers-2014
Haha! Sounds like something I would do! Ovens and I don't do well together, unless its something slow cooked that you can stick in all day and not worry about it getting ruined because you cooked it for an extra hour!
ReplyDeleteMichelle, for years I told Jake that mothers don't really cook anymore. He quit buying that by his 7th birthday. :)
DeleteLMAO I just love Vikki! A long time fan here and still can't get enough of her writings. I am glad that at least I have one thing in common with her. I too, have KILLER baking skills. :)
ReplyDeleteJhanis, maybe we can start a new trend. "Real moms don't cook." The kids might not like it, but I'm thinking they can toast their own Pop Tarts! :)
DeleteI am in! :)
DeleteI share all your feelings!! I admire you for trying to bake the cookies, I would have gone straight to the store. Love your writing. You're an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteManal, he never asked for homemade cookies after that! I just sent him to school with a bag of Double Stuff Oreos, and life was good for both of us! :)
DeleteLove this story. And Vikki!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Janie! I'm a faithful follower of your writing! :)
DeleteThis is such a great 2-fer-1 post! Two of my favorite ladies in just 1 click! :) Recent, but big fan of both Marcia and Vikki. Love this post, Vikki. Can we add a sub-group to your 'Real Moms Don't Cook' trend? I'd fall into the 'Real Step-Moms Don't Cook' category. Your hysterical cookie-baking attempt reminded me of the attempt I once made to deep-fry french fries for my husband and his kids several years before we married. Major fail! Think I'm gonna have to blog about it. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marcia! I was thrilled when Marcia asked if I wanted to guest post on her blog. It was like "Thinking, thinking, thinking...HELL, yes!"
DeleteAre you sure I'm not your long lost daughter? When dinner is ready in my house- I don't ring a dinner bell. Everyone knows to come to the table when the smoke alarm is going off.
ReplyDeleteStarr, you certainly could be! Come on over and we'll bake up some of those slice and bake log type cookies. I just upped our deductible on our homeowners insurance, so we should be good to go!
DeleteOMG that's hilarious! Bet the cat didn't think so, but I'm glad Jake got a good laugh and thank goodness the house didn't burn down. Were you able to salvage your eyebrows? A friend of mine did something similar and all her eyebrows singed off. NOT a good look. I laughed for days.
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked it, Teri! Yeah, I definitely don't rock the no-eyelash-or-eyebrow look. I sort of resembled one of those hairless cats. Ouch! :)
DeleteLizzi, Jake has SO many stories, I'm almost embarrassed to ask what he remembers! :)
ReplyDeleteAwesome guest poster, Marcia! I love me some Vikki!
ReplyDeleteThis story was hilarious! yeah, I'd be grabbing the oreos after nearly blowing myself up, too! I would have just gone ahead and bought the wine, though. Why wait? cat covered in soot & oil = wine for mama.
Thanks, Beth! Jake still tells the story to anyone who will listen. Sigh. His childhood was rough. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I can definitely see what Marcia sees in you, Vikki! I laughed till tears ran down my face! I can just see it! Soot encrusted kitchen, complete with matching would-be chef and colour-coordinated cat. Perfect. Here's to Oreos! Raise your glass!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Diane! Hope to see you on Laugh Lines! :)
DeleteI love this. "who ARE these women?" Glad I'm not the only one who thinks Cream of Tartar is something your dental hygienist chastises you for accruing between checkups.
ReplyDeleteNow you're making me laugh too! I'm glad you liked it. Maybe we should start a blogging group of women who can't cook and who don't like recipes! You never know. Could be a hit! :)
Delete@Vikki, though I love to bake, I have on MORE than one occasion pulled out the Walmart muffins or croissants and put them on a lovely plastic platter. Trust me, it was always for the better :) Great guest post!
ReplyDelete@Marcia, Hey you. I voted at the contest (it would only let me vote once). You know I'm a huge fan :) Love you girl!
Thanks for that, Michele! It was a fun post to write. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
DeleteHilarious. The poor unfortunate cat. That'll teach it to come scrounging around the kitchen :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Pinky! "Hilarious" is a true compliment to a humor writer! :)
DeleteI am with you Vicki... who are these women that work full time, have a perfectly clean house, bake and look like they walked out of a magazine... I would have been off to the store buying bakery cookies and passing them off as mine... lol
ReplyDeleteToo cute... I totally loved this, thanks for the smile.
PS... no way I could ever own a gas stove... as I would never light it... ahhh... good way to lose weight... hahaha
Thanks, Launna! Love that you loved it! :)
DeleteHahaha! That is too funny. I would have laughed my ass off seeing that. You should have taken pictures. Bet the cat was pissed too.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Phil! Humor writers like to see people laugh, and I appreciate the comment!
DeleteWe'd have to agree with Phil in that the Cat might have a vendetta to fulfill now. lmao. However, the positive side to this is that the lil' puss-n-boots, has eight more lives to go!! Loved this post M. Mama~ & luv Ms. Vikki as well. Heading over to check out her Blog: Laugh-lines. And wanted to let you know we cast our vote for the best blog by clicking on the heart! Also gave some Twitter love to ya!! Hope this helps as you know what fans we are of your blog!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by Laugh Lines! Hope you see another post you like! :)
Deletelovely
ReplyDeletehttp://iamaleena.blogspot.com.au/
Thanks, Alena! It was fun to write. :)
DeleteGreat story, well told - as always.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Bryan! Appreciate the comment!
DeleteI love Vikki's blog too and this post is just hilarious!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lanthie! I always angst at the moment I click "Publish," and it's a great day when people love it! :)
DeleteI adore Vikki and her blog. Any story she tells is funny, even when dealing with the very serious parts of life. Another total success here!
ReplyDeleteThanks for that great shout-out, Shay! I spend a lot of time hanging out on your blog. You very funny girl! :)
Delete