Thursday, January 16, 2014

In Sickness And In Health

     For as long as I can remember, my husband has been haunted by the ghost of old injuries. Although I've been dubbed the Queen Of Klutz, my guy has ended up in the emergency room more often than I have. An accident on the baseball field in his teens left him with the knee caps of an eighty-year-old man. They creak and pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies Cereal whenever he pushes himself off the couch.
     It doesn't help that this middle-aged man thinks with the brain of a twenty-five-year-old. He never turns down a challenge on the basketball court and will gladly snap on a knee brace just to keep up with the young
whippersnappers. One year when my son's friends gathered in the front yard with their skateboards and BMX bikes to perform stunts, The Hubs didn't want to miss out on all the fun. He assured the boys that he was quite the cyclist in his youth, and that there wasn't a ramp around that he couldn't conquer. Sensing a challenge, the teens goaded The Hubs into reliving his boyhood days one ramp at a time. He swaggered over to the bike with the confidence of Evil Kinevil before hopping on and peddling full force down the street. Up he went, over the ramp, gliding though the air with the glory of youth shining in his eyes.

     And then his feet slipped off the pedals and the bike landed with a resounding thud on the hard pavement. Good thing we were past the procreation stage in our lives since my husband lost his family jewels that day on the BMX bike from hell.

     When my youngest daughter turned eleven, she invited a group of friends over for a slumber party. While the girls ate pizza and watched spooky movies, my husband came up with a brilliant idea that only a prepubescent teenage boy would admire. He donned a rubber monster mask and crept outside to give the girls a little scare. Just as they were settling down into their sleeping bags, The Hubs popped up and pounded on the window to frighten them. The girls shrieked, glass shattered and the "monster" became strangely quiet. That's when I noticed the two, red fountains pulsing from his wrists. My husband had inadvertently sliced both on the broken windowpane and needed immediate medical attention.

    The paramedics found it hard to believe that a middle-aged man would skulk around his own backyard on a Saturday night with a mask. If they'd seen him the week before in a Velcro suit on a Velcro wall at Disney World after too many jello shots, they'd understand.

     Alcohol has always been the liquid courage that prompts men to do stupid things. My husband is no different. After a rousing game of beer pong with a group of college students, my overly confident husband challenged his two, strapping sons to a wrestling match. Oh yes, he was once the captain of the wrestling team in high school. Thirty years ago. Which explains why he ended up face first in a nightstand drawer and woke the next morning to a deviated septum and two black eyes.
   
 There have been countless knee injuries, sprained ankles, sore backs, torn ligaments, broken toes, fingers and black eyes since then. I can't help but wonder if my husband's co-workers have speculated on the nature of our marriage. Menopausal women have tempers, after all.
     At this rate, I'll need to buy stock in Advil or Aleve since arthritis is Mother Nature's revenge on my middle-aged man.
     Time to trade the BMX bike in for a motorized wheelchair.


***This week I'm at In The Powder Room discussing animal hoarding. Read and see for yourself if I'd be considered as an animal hoarder! http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/home-time/2014-01-welcome-zoo.html

***The VoiceBoks contest is still going on! Please vote for Menopausal Mom if you haven't already---I really appreciate the support. Thanks! http://voiceboks.com/top-50-hilariously-funny-nominated-parent-bloggers-2014/

44 comments:

  1. Let me know which pain killer you buy stock in. I could use a financial boost.

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  2. This is what they call Menopausal Men, ha ha ha. All of a sudden the hormones start to go crazy and it seems like you can take on the whole world. Not even BatMan can stop you. Those who suffer this unkind change usually end up in Accident and Emergency with shame written all over their faces. Ha, ha ha ha. Love the post MM.

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    1. Thanks, RPD! Yeah, he has been going through a midlife crisis for about 15 years now…..

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  3. Oh Marcia, thank you for the laughter... so funny...

    WOW, your hubby has certainly had some injuries... most that were self induced... :) I still think like a 25 year old too... luckily my 25 year old does not think she can do bike tricks or have a wrestling match... You husband is much more adventuresome :)

    Have a great weekend... back to the gym for me too :)

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  4. You and I will both stick to our gym routine---I don't need any wrestling matches, either!!

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  5. I loved this Marcia. Perhaps because I can identify with some of your hubby's behavior. My mantra is 'you never lose it' whenever a football (soccer ball) intrudes into my vicinity. My knee ligaments are shredded, although I think my crown jewels are still present and correct! Also, I am much more of a coward than your hubs. Great post!

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    1. I figured the guys out there would like this post. I don't know how y'all stay so active with the torn ligaments, etc. But hey, glad to hear that at least YOUR family jewels are still intact….

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  6. Bwahahaha! Your husby is the best! Kind. Loving. Adventurous. And great entertainment! Maybe you could buy him one of those 'sumo suits' to keep him injury-free during his escapades . . .

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    1. That's a great idea! He needs to wear rubber padding wherever he goes!

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  7. Well, you've gotta love his good-natured youthful exuberance, yes? :)

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    1. It keeps his mind young but his body….not so much...

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  8. BWhahaha I was thinking to myself how many people think she is beating the crap out of him and he is lying about it. Because you know if a woman did that it would be assumed to be abuse immediately..

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    1. That's what I was worried about. Most people don't think of a woman causing the injuries---but he had so many, so frequently, I was worried that they thought I was beating the crap out of him on the weekends!!

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  9. I think your husband and I are kindred spirits!!

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  10. Oh my god, you just outed your neutered hubs on the internet...and I. Love. It!! Awesome post. He must make things so much more interesting!

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    1. He keeps me sane, believe it or not. Couldn't survive without his wacky humor!

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  11. Your husband sounds like some of my cousins, who are teenage boys!

    "Good thing we were past the procreation stage in our lives since my husband lost his family jewels that day on the BMX bike from hell." REALLY? This isn't hyperbole?!

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    1. Put it this way---he was sore for a long time……ice packs helped….

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  12. It's funny that men feel the need keep their youthfulness and machismo by doing athletic stuff. Thank God, women only want less wrinkles and a way to drop a few pounds. Otherwise we'd be nursing each other.

    Barbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com

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    1. Exactly! I'd much rather sip my wine and settle down with a good book!

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  13. pretty funny..I guess I'm more of the dare devil then my hubby. You must have insurance.

    Coffee is on

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    1. Believe it or not, we lost our insurance a year ago when hubs lost his job.The new job he has now---the insurance is way too expensive. Keeping my fingers crossed that there are no more stupid accidents. Hey, wait, did someone say coffee???? Yes please!!

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  14. He is not afraid to live life! I admire that. But he needs to reign it in a bit till there is insurance!
    tam

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    1. I totally agree--but try telling him that!

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  15. You two are so MUCH FUN! I want to be in your family.

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  16. Smashing the window has to be the funniest (albeit most dangerous) story! Love it... my hubby is very similar :)

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    1. Good to know I'm not the only one married to a crazy guy, LOL!!!

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  17. OMG Marcia, this is beyond hilarious and I absolutely love it! My husband is a rule follower (retired Army) but my brothers? One of them jumped off of our roof in a dare. Like last year (he's 40) and broke his ankle. Your hubs sounds like a blast to live with (and so do you!! please can I come over for dinner please please please)?

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    1. He jumped off a roof at the age of 40??? Holy crap!!! Yeah, he would get along famously with my hubs! I would LOVE to have you come over sometime for dinner. In the mood for a Florida vacation? Got a spot right here at the table for you!

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  18. Yikes!!! I feel his PAIN... It's hell to get old. Have a great week, Slu

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    1. I'm hoping this isn't something you're going through too, Slu!

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  19. Testosterone poisoning. It has brought down greater and lesser men than The Hubs. Alcohol optional. :)

    I could point my finger at the overgrown boys and scold, "What the hell were you THINKING?" but just last night I confessed to a friend about how I engaged in deeply stupid behaviour last summer - climbing the steep Scarborough Cliffs on the east end of Toronto) with a few friends of mine at the egging of the male one of the two. I could argue that I caved to testerone-fueled peer pressure, but truth was, there was a little voice in the back of my brain going, "You're fifty years old, your mother could never have done this at ANY age, and you're in shape, you can do it!" I did, and as I stood there proudly at the top with my friends, I looked down at the very steep cliff and realized how if Steve had fallen, we all would have died as he led the way; if I had fallen, Melissa and I would have died; and if Melissa had fallen, we would have felt like absolute shit and guilty as hell. And I also thought, "Dammit, Nicole, you're fifty years old! What the hell are you trying to prove?" Truth was, it wouldn't have been funny at all if any of us had died doing something so bloody foolish. People HAVE died trying to scale the Scarborough Cliffs. How would my mother have felt knowing that my death was so pointless and avoidable?

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    1. Holy crap----I can't believe you did that!!! In my twenties I felt invisible…but then in my fifties---now---, I no longer feel invincible... and sadly, am a scaredy cat about most things.I miss the invigorating feel I got taking big chances…but am also happy to live this quiet, predictable life. Does that make sense?

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  20. haha this is awesome! I love that you have photos of the events. I can't help but be impressed with his enthusiasm towards being a crazy person.

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    1. He embraces his inner crazy---that's what attracted me to him in the first place...

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  21. Funny but sad. Hope you both get through the rest of the year with no lacerations or broken bones ;)

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    1. Me too! I need 2014 to be the accident-free year, especially since we have no health insurance!!!

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  22. Hi Marsha! It's great to see you again! I've been on a blog-break.
    Goodness, your husband is really your extra child, right? Although your kids probably idolized him, i'm sure you were in the background telling him to cut it out! Well, life never gets dull with your man around, right? That's probably one of the things you loved about him.
    Next, we want to hear about your silly exploits. Dont be shy, I'm sure you have a million stories!!
    I am at a new blog home. I'm now at www.ceilryan.com
    It was a big move, but I'm hoping to love it!
    Ceil

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    1. Happy to see you here, Ceil. Welcome back! Congrats on the new blog site---I can't wait to check it out! :-)

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    2. You made me so happy! So excited that we can connect in new ways. Yay! My FB link is found in the 'Contact Me' or 'About' tab on the top of my blogpage. I really should put it out on the side of my page. Thanks for that idea :)

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    3. That's awesome! Heading over now to check out your Fb page!

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