Friday, September 27, 2013

Queen Of Klutz

   
      As I'm waiting in the emergency clinic to get my injured hand stitched up, I'm wondering how the heck I got here in the first place. FACT #1: Baby gates, pugs and glass mugs don't mix. FACT#2: I'm a klutz.
     I rarely get sick or have injuries, but when I do, I go big. When I was a little kid, I pestered our family German Shepherd one night while he was eating.... and he decided my face looked like a pork chop. Four stitches just below the eye taught me never to come between a dog and his Alpo.
     In high school on the eve of an important band competition, I got bit by a spider on my arm. I knew if I told my parents, they would never let me go to the out-of-town competition, so I kept my mouth shut. The next morning the bus driver had to stop frequently to let me ralph on the side of the road. All dignity was lost at that point, but for once I didn't care how green or disheveled I looked to the others on the bus. My arm felt like it was on fire and all I could think about was finishing the competition and getting back home.
     When the contest ended later that day, I pulled back my sleeve to reveal angry, red tracks drag racing up my arm toward my heart. "Um....excuse me....is there a doctor in the house?" The green infection that the doctor drained from my arm looked like something an alien would spew after eating our GMO enhanced foods.
 
      My freshman year of college I decided to get sporty (or at least look like I was) and invited my roommate to play Frisbee on the front lawn of our dorm. I'm about as athletic as an elephant on the U.S.  Olympic Swim Team, but I had an ulterior motive--- to attract the attention of some M.U. males who strolled across our campus. It was all fun and games until my 150 pound friend tackled me for the Frisbee and fell on my left arm, snapping both bones in half. Good thing shock set in when I saw the middle of my arm curve into a backward "L" like a misshapen piece of pasta. A metal plate, five screws and one pin later, I had a bionic arm that set off all the alarms at the airport.
     Fast Forward two years---same college, different friends. I slipped down a flight of icy stairs and busted up my ankle. Back to the same hospital, cast and crutches complete. My fall had absolutely nothing to do with the "hunch punch" served at a certain sorority party. I figured I might start a new fashion trend that spring when I attended a formal affair---nothing speaks sexy more than a college coed hobbling through a line dance with a cast on her leg.
     A few months after my graduation, I ended up in the same E.R. for a third time with a fractured elbow from a fall in a parking lot.

     Things remained quiet for several years until I decided it might be fun to experience labor pains. My mother popped out babies faster than a bubble blower, so I assumed it would be the same for me. WRONG. Four kids and four c-sections later, I am the proud owner of a belly that looks like I have a road map to The land Down Under stamped across my skin.
   
      And then there was the infamous Night Of The Living Dead experience. Imagine a romantic anniversary celebration at a resort with candles, flowers, champagne....and a wife with her head in the toilet, yacking up Kung Pao Chicken and imported Italian chocolates. I had one of those creepy, out-of-body experiences where I gazed down and saw myself curled into the fetal position (with an uncanny resemblance to a gray, uncooked shrimp) on the bathroom tile. The paramedics arrived just in time to pump my body with the elixir of life and cart me off to the nearest hospital.

     You know that part in your wedding vows where you SWEAR you'll stick by your spouse through sickness and in health? I gave that vow a run for its money that night in the hospital. What didn't come out of my mouth came out the other end and even the nurses refused to handle me since the doctors were unable to identify what virus I had. I knew it was bad when the staff kept coming in with masks on their faces and spraying my area with disinfectants and air fresheners. The Hubs never left my side and cleaned me up when no one else would. That, folks, is someone who takes their vows seriously.
   
      Today as I leave the emergency clinic with eight stitches, I wish I could tell you that the nasty condition of my zombie-looking hand was due to a bar fight. And that the other guy's face looks much worse than my hand. Sadly, my accident can only be blamed on my klutziness. Hopping over a baby gate with a glass mug in my hand while trying not to step on two, sleeping pugs is a recipe for disaster. I have to keep reminding myself that despite all my booty shaking in Zumba class, I am long past the age of twenty and not nearly as agile. I tripped and fell when my toe caught on the gate, causing me to land on the shards of glass from the broken mug. I never realized how badly a hand injury bleeds---my kitchen looked like the inside of a slaughterhouse.
     As the doctor stitched me up, he apologized for the scar it would leave. I laughed and showed him all the others I have. The way I see it, each one is a new story to share with the grandkids some day.
     And in typical blogger fashion, I took pictures of my bloody, stitched-up hand for the blog post that was already taking shape in my head.
     When we left the emergency clinic, I told The Hubs that I thought I deserved chocolate for my ordeal. He smirked and said that at my age, what I REALLY needed was a Life Alert necklace.
     I've survived not only these injuries and illnesses but multiple hurricanes and plenty of car accidents....so bring it on, Mother Nature and Murphey's Law. This Queen of Klutz might take a fall but she always lands back on her feet.



****Meno Mama is featured over at The Sadder But Wiser Girl blog, revealing her reasons for being called, "The Squirrel Whisperer." Stop by and say hello!

84 comments:

  1. Klutz or not you are one brave, strong mama in my my book. I saw that picture on Facebook, but every tme I tried to leave a message I got error messages. Just figured Facebook hated me that day. But seriously, hope you are the mend and no wonder I love you, because I am a klutz from way back. And not even sure I can list all the klutzy things that I did over the year. But sending you good vibes and hoping you are feeling a bit better now!

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    1. Awwwww...thank you, Janine! I am feeling much better now. Hey, people are still telling me how much they love the look of the site--you did such an AWESOME job here--I will always be grateful to you for that! XO

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  2. LOL at the Life Alert comment!! Of course he's forgiven for that because he cleans you up when even the nurses won't. :) Pretty sure, and after all this time I know my husband well, that my hubby would NOT do the same, lol. Glad your hand is ok, eeyouch!

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    1. I really am lucky to have him----he's a keeper!

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  3. I am a super-big baby when it comes to stitches, needles, injuries, illness-you name it... So, my heart is going out to you big-time right now! Healing hugs to you! T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

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    1. I don't mind shots---I just don't like looking at them haha!

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  4. Yep, you definitely have nine lives Marcia! SO glad you came through all your ordeals okay so you can tell us all about it! XO!

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    1. In true blogger fashion, I started writing this post right after the doc bandaged me up...and of course took lots of pictures!

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  5. Good grief! So glad you are okay! And the pugs too!

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    1. The pugs were frightened when they saw me laying on the ground with all the blood--one of them ran and hid under the couch cushions, poor thing. Happy to report that I am on the mend. :-)

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  6. Oh my goodness!! Glad you survived another injury:)) Yikes...

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    1. Good news is I heal VERY quickly. I think my body has gotten used to these little traumas, haha!

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  7. Go big or go home girl!!!!! Is that your middle finger sticking up through the bandage? YOU ROCK!!!!!

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    1. HAHA! I always go big when it comes to these injuries. Hopefully nI'll be around for a long, long time and I'm sure there will be more of these klutzy accidents in my future!

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  8. Wow...you've survived all that. You should be fekkin bubbled wrapped. Love your blog

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    1. That's a good one and you are absolutely right!!

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  9. Wow.. I truly hope you are feeling much better... it doesn't take much to get injured quickly... :'(

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    1. Especially being as klutzy as I am......but yes, luckily I heal at warp speed--all my doctors have always said that about me, haha!

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  10. Wow .. we need to put you in a bubble! I have been very fortunate among all my clutzy behaviors. I still {knocking on something that hopefully matters!} have never broken anything or had stitches. Crazy right?
    I'm just waiting because it will happen at some point. I fall up stairs for the love of God!

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.com

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    1. Maybe you are one of the lucky ones! My father NEVER had to go to the hospital his entire life. Apparently I didn't inherit that lucky streak.

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  11. I was I I was so worried about you. I didn't pick up that you were hurt and thought it was your daughter or a friend of hers (my minds all over the show at the moment). Just glad you are ok.

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    1. On the mend and feeling 100% better. It is AMAZING what I have learned to do with only one good hand!

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  12. Oh my days Mama, I'm feeling it for you right now. I'm sorry to hear about this, and I'm just wondering about that 'GLASS' mug. Was there any Tequila in it? And was the dogs really there with a gate you had to climb over? I know you live in a very crazy house where anything can happen.... and I bet that hospital said "get ready everyone, menopausal mama is back again".

    In all seriousness, that hand looks really bad and I hope it recovers real quick and very well without any problems. Now that cute face looks like it's about to cause a weekend of havoc with the family.

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    1. HAHA you know me so well, RPD! The accident occurred in the morning--I was carrying a coffee mug, and typical me, I was rushing around to get ready for my Zumba class. We keep the gate up for the dogs--they were sleeping next to it. I was trying to step over them while stepping over the gate. My foot caught and down I went, on top of the glass mug that flew out of my hands. More blood than I ever thought possible. Lots of punctures and 3 bad gashes. But the GOOD news is, no nerve damage in the hand--surprised the heck out of the doc when he saw the extent of my injuries. I NEED my fingers so I can keep blogging! Yes, you KNOW it won't be long before I get into some other trouble!

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  13. Oh, I get it! I totally get it! I have 11 scars on one finger alone. 11! And that doesn't count scars on all of the other fingers. Or my hands. Or my arms. Or my face. Sigh. But every scar tells a story. And every grandkid is mesmerized by the tales of blood and gore that issue from Gramma's past. You and me are soldiers in the combat zone called motherhood. So good that we enjoy it! :)

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    1. We certainly are----and yes, it makes for great stories for the grandkids!

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  14. P.S. You look so cute with your little antiseptic 'mitten'!

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    1. That mitten is what will keep me out of trouble this weekend!

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  15. As much as I understand a woman's love for jewelry, I'd take chocolate over that necklace any day.

    Although your husband sure gets a lifetime's worth of points for cleaning you up and staying by your side all those years ago. That guy's a keeper.

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    1. I agree! Any man who is willing to do that for his wife is a keeper for sure!

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  16. Oh Dear, what an adventure! And what an adventure for me, going down memory lane with you...I about spewed my coffee with the 'like a bubble blower' line. Where do you come up with this stuff?
    I hope your hand heals double quick!

    As a nurse, I just want to register my shock at their attitude towards your illness. (Was it ever diagnosed?) That is awful!!! I would have filed a complaint. God bless your husband. I love him too.
    Happy Friday!
    Ceil

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    1. I thought about filing a complaint---but this hospital didn't have a very good reputation to begin with. I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over and I NEVER went back there again!

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  17. Glad you are ok. You have really had your share of mishaps!! The thing that you just did to your hand is totally something I would do. A couple of years ago I went down to get the newspaper in my socks (it was winter), slipped on the ice, fell backwards, hit my head and got a concussion. Ugh

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    1. Oh OUCH!!!! That must have hurt so bad! I slipped down some wet steps in my backyard and hurt my back but I would take that over a head injury any day!

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  18. Quote: "I have to keep reminding myself that despite all my booty shaking in Zumba class, I am long past the age of twenty and not nearly as agile."

    After reading this post, my dear, I'm thinking you aren't agile at all, or at least as agile as you think you were. Glad everything turned out okay and you are on the mend.

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    1. My brain just hasn't sent the message to my body yet that I'm a klutzy, middle-aged woman, haha!

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  19. Im so sorry to hear what happened to your hand!!
    Hang in there!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Melissa! It's much better now and healing nicely!

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  20. You are so awesome & humorous!! Aftee all of that drama & you are smiling, way to look at the glass half full!,:)

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    1. Thanks!!! I ALWAYS end up laughing at things no matter how bad they are---what choice do we have? I think it's easier to laugh stuff off then weep about it....even though YES I cried like a ball baby when I first injured myself, haha!

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  21. lfpertesis@cfl.rr.comSeptember 27, 2013 at 11:59 PM

    Oh Marcia, I'm beginning to think we need to be encased in plastic bubble wrap. LOL!!! Three weeks ago at work, I was sitting outside at work on my break when one of those really HUGE bees got right in my face....let's just say I tried to shoo it away and ended up making it even madder, which made me take off across the parking lot. My fellow employees told me it was a beautiful swan dive... I ended up with asphalt burns on both hands, my left arm, my face, left knee and bruised ribs. I'm almost healed now, just my knee still bothering me, so I feel your pain sweetie! This getting older s**t really stinks! Where did that elasticity go that we had so many years ago???? BE SAFE MY "SISTER" AND GET WELL SOON!!! Luv Ya, Leisa
    BTW, I pulled our Senior yearbook today and was reading it and reread your comment to me and you said I was "SLIGHTLY CRAZY",,,,, NOW REALLY!!! I think after 42 years of knowing me you'd know I am COMPLETELY CRAZY.................. ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! XXXOOO

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    1. OMG that is an AWESOME story! OK I am NOT laughing at you---I'm laughing WITH you!!! Oh yes, I remember how crazy you were in school....and I am not surprised if you are crazier now. Menopause has made me bat shit crazy, so I totally get it! Thanks for coming by to read my blog, Leisa, and for leaving a comment--I really appreciate it! XOXO

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  22. Awwww :( I wanted to ask if they give you frequent flier miles at the ER, but who wants to go back? :( Glad you're feeling better.. xo

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  23. I am very glad that you are OK after all... Thanks God!
    Keep smiling and make us smile!
    http://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks! I promise I will always try to keep you smiling!

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  24. I'm with you on the scars. They are just reminders of our survival and triumph! No shame there... I have them all over from a scooter accident:)

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    1. Oh no! You'll have to tell me that story some day!

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  25. Oh my. When you say that you go big with injuries and illnesses, you're not kidding! You so deserve as much chocolate as you want this weekend. OUCH.
    Although I'm now dying to know (while cringing and not sure I actually want to know) - what illness did you have when you were a gray shrimp on the floor? And did they know what kind of spider bit you? Yikes. Hope you have a safe weekend!

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    1. They never did figure out what virus I had--they did blood work and a urinalysis but it was still a mystery. The spider bite was believed to be a black widow. We had quite a few of them in the railings on the balcony of our house. I had been out there the night before looking at the moon....dummy me!

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  26. Dang Double M (#2)... I'm worn out!!! That's a LOT of breaks and cuts and metal and such. Wow!!!

    Bless your heart. Take a seat and get a bell to ring for when you need something. lol

    Donna always says when something goes wrong with us: "Babe, we're making a memory."

    Take care & mend fast. Take it easy on the "hopping over." Slu

    Love the last pic BTW...

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    1. Donna is absolutely right--you are making memories to share with the grandkids (and to blog about, of course!). I think you are onto something there with me needing the bell.....

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  27. You poor thing. I've miraculously never broken a bone in my body... touch wood. It's so true about
    bloggers documenting absolutely everything :) Get better soon!

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    1. The minute i calmed down from the shock I KNEW I had to blog about it haha!

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  28. I am glad you are ok! I was hoping it was a joke...
    You rock the shit out of those glasses!

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    1. I WISH it was a joke...but just another example of my clumsiness. Yeah, I DO love those glasses!

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  29. Wow, that is a lot of injuries! I am klutzy too, but my clumsiness is pretty limited to annoying things like slamming my elbow into a door frame as I walk through it, bashing my head on the windowsill while I'm sleeping in my bed, falling on my ass while trying to walk on some stones to cross a river, etc. The worse injury I had was when I was racing my friend's kid to his mom's car... I jumped into the car, bashed my head on the metal part of the door, and needed to get staples in my head!

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    1. OMG staples in the head??? Ouch! Bet you had fun explaining THAT one to the doctor!

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  30. You are an inspiration to keeping positive and laughing. Wishing you a quick recovery.
    Hugs,
    Wanda Ann @ Memories by the Mile

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    1. Thank you, Wanda! I'm feeing 100% better now!

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  31. oh wow, glad you are ok and a true blogger. My hubby would wonder if I am crazy taking pic for blog, lol.
    Be careful, supermom!

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    1. The doctor DID give me a funny look when I asked my daughter to take a picture of my hand right after he sutured it.

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  32. Well, I sure loved the chance of seeing you in all your gorgeousness in all your earlier photos!! You look great in all of them with or without the bandages!!

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    1. Haha Roshni you are too kind! I was sitting in hospital rooms in all of these pictures. So....maybe hospitals actually AGREE with me???

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  33. Oh wow. You really sound like you do things in style! Sure makes for good blogging! And yes, your husband definitely showed that he took his vows seriously :D

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    1. It was so disgusting and smelly in there, I cannot even TELL you how bad it was. To this day, I am AMAZED that my husband was able to handle that clean up job! He is a KEEPER for sure!!!

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  34. It looks like accidents are attracted to you, lol! You can say "I've been there done that!" Lucky for me,I had only one, I was also bitten by a dog and it traumatized me, but I still love dogs except that I'm a bit careful now.

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    1. They can be frightening---even when my own dogs growl at something, I back off quickly!

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  35. Hi, I just found your blog via The Collective blog hop at Gypsybee - I am over in the UK and it is lovely to meet you :) - come and say hello at http://asaucystitch.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Thanks for coming by! I'll be sure to check out your blog!

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  36. Hi, hope you hand feels better soon, and I am praying God assigns you a battallion of guardian angels. LOL
    Mary-andering Creatively

    Mary-andering Among the Pages

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    1. Thanks, Mary! I could use some guardians right about now!

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  37. Marcia - be honest, was that fall staged for blogging purposes?

    Well, not like you didn't have material before that!

    Are you blogging single-handedly now?

    Oh, and you should probably get the express treatment when you go to the ER. Grace got so that when she'd come in, the nurses would give her a rousing welcome, like Norm got at Cheers.

    Familiarity has its perks.

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    1. Yup! Blogging single-handedly. Chicken plucking the keys. I LIKE the idea of being welcomed to the ER. But I think next time they should at LEAST have a margarita in their hand for me so I won't feel the pain!

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  38. I can SO identify with your situation! You have a wonderful site, and I am sure I will follow and visit often! I just popped over from the Lets Get Social Sunday Linkey. I would love it if you dropped by for a visit at http://www.kneadedcreations.com . Happy Day to you! Deb @ Kneaded Creations

    September 30, 2013 at 6:53 AM

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    1. Thanks for taking a look. I'll be sure to swing by!

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  39. Wanted to stop by and say thank you for linking up at Journeys of the Zoo Blog Lovin' Hop co-hosted by Crafty Zoo with Monkeys! We enjoyed having you!

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  40. First off, HOLY COW. My GOSH, Marcia! Secondly--is that seriously your hand?? Holy cow again. And lastly--my son JUST TONIGHT made a comment about Life Alert while we were watching a t.v. show and a commercial came on. I quickly wrote it down and am going to use it in my next Fly on the Wall...well, not the October one, but the one after that as I've already written the October one and am saving up stuff for the next one that I join after that. Anyway, this post was hilarious--although I feel bad for you!

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    1. Yup---that REALLY is my hand. Nasty, isn't it? But it has been over a week now and I'm healing nicely. Can't wait to read your Fly On The Wall post!

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  41. Oh stop it. I know what really happened. You got into another bar brawl with Los Bandidos after a tequila-fueled argument over whether Jim Beam is better than Jack Daniels!!!

    I hope you're feeling better, and just TRY not to get into any more trouble at the Moonshine Cider & Rum Bar! :)

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    1. Shhhhhh.......no one is supposed to know about that night......

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  42. Ow!! Hope you're healing up nicely. You didn't wake the pugs, did you? ;)

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    1. Haha! It freaked them out a bit that's for sure! The female pug ran and hid under the table when I started howling from the pain. The male kept trying to lick my face--he knew I was hurting. Once I came home all bandaged up, they were VERY interested in checking out the hand. But I have healed well now, thankfully!

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