Just call me "Your Fatness"
I learned something yesterday that I had been considering for some time – that my children are all liars, as are some of my grandchildren.
How do I know this?
Lamenting for years about how my tummy had grown to mountainous proportions, I heard comments like, "Oh, mom, stop. You're not fat," or, "You've had four kids, what do you expect?"
Now you might think that last statement was confirmation that my exponentially extended belly was in fact enormous, but the comment was usually followed by, "You're not fat."
I realize that everybody was just trying to be polite (translation: to lie), but I wanted the truth.
Yesterday I got it when my four-year old granddaughter patted me on the belly and asked, "Grandma, are you pregnant?"
Yes, Audrey, I am. I call my baby, "Tumor." Sadly, he will never be born and I will have to carry him around with me for the rest of my life.
I fantasize about poking a needle into the flab then vacuuming it like liposuction. I am, however, afraid I might pass out when the needle opens my skin, and when paramedics find me, they will see gelatinous blobs of fat that seeped out of my body. Reminds me of Oprah Winfrey with her wagon of fat. I couldn't do that to the paramedics.
Wonder what would happen if I ate only sunflower seeds for the rest of my life.
One positive thought I can take away from all of this is that while I may look like I'm ready to give birth, I must at least took young enough to be able to do so.
Theresa Wiza is a statistical anomaly. If only 1/1,000 of 1% of anything occurs anywhere in the world, Theresa Wiza makes up that tiniest of margins that statisticians love. If you've just created a beautiful lipstick color, for instance, and she falls in love with that color, only Theresa Wiza, out of everyone else in the entire world, will use that color. Because she knows from experience how statistics work NOT in her favor, she hoards that lipstick because she knows it will soon see its demise.
If you find her in line at the grocery store or bank, change lines. People will fly by all other lines and she will still be standing at the back of hers. If she finds a doctor she loves, find somebody else, because more than likely, that doctor will move after seeing Theresa Wiza. She's that bizarre.
While most people go through hot flashes while they're IN menopause, Theresa Wiza didn't experience hot flashes until AFTER she was two years PAST POST-menopause. Again, an anomaly.
OK I'm tired of talking about myself in the third person. I'm a 62-year-old grandmother of 17, 5 of whom are great grands. I am also a writer, a crocheter, and a candlestick maker – I mean jewelry maker – I love all things creative.
Though I've never been clinically diagnosed with ADD I find that I fit the description to a T. What's a T? OK, I just looked it up. Without going into great detail it means attending to every little detail. Hmm. I just wrote detail twice. I do that. I pause after everything I do and question why I do what I do.
OK, where was I? Or rather who am I? Well, when Marcia (whom I affectionately call Meno Mom) asked me for my liposuction story, she also asked me for a bio and she wanted me to include all of my social media links, so before I make this bio way longer than the actual post, here is my Twitter link: https://twitter.com/theresawiza and here is my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/theresawiza. You can also find the many minds of me in my Gallery of Posts here: http://writer721.wix.com/theresa-wiza#!articles-and-videos/galleryPage
I would like to say a very special thank you to a wonderfully funny woman, Menopausal Mother, for an opportunity to share my views on menopause. Thanks for reading!