Friday, January 1, 2016

My Realistic New Year's Resolutions

     Before the ball drops in Times Square, we have our New Year's resolutions figured out. We toast to a prosperous year ahead and have every intention of following through on our resolutions.

     And it works....for about three months. It's easy to get sidetracked from our goals by stress, boredom and a really good plate of pasta marinara. Over the years, I've learned not to make such stringent resolutions for myself. What's the point? I know I'm going to break them anyway, since I'm as easily distracted as a six-year-old in the toy aisle at Target.

     When I was in my early twenties, it was simple to make a bucket list of things I wanted to do for the coming year. Hop on a plane to Paris, explore the Greek islands, or run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Now that I've hit my middle-age years, I'd be lucky to run with the llamas in Bolivia.

     My expectations are lower these days, freeing me from the guilt trips I faced when I broke my resolutions early in the new year. I know what I'd like to see happen in the coming year, but I'm a realist, and frankly, if I can get through the next twelve months without breaking any bones or needing cholesterol medication, I'd call the year a success.


 Lose Weight
     Resolution: I'm going to lose these extra pounds that have inflated my waistline like the Goodyear Blimp. I'll just cut back on portion size, skip the carmel lattes and eat more leafy greens.
     Reality: Is that a bag of Doritoes?

Exercise More
     Resolution: I'll join a gym so that I can be in shape for swimsuit season. Working out with weights every day will get rid of my underarm wing flaps so that I'm no longer mistaken for a sugar glider.
     Reality: I haven't been to the gym in three months because I'm too damn busy. I have dirty laundry piled higher than the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range, and there's a colony of dust bunnies breeding under my couch. I'm terminally tired and easily swayed by the sweet siren song of my memory foam mattress. I'll go to the gym tomorrow, I promise.....

Save Money
     Resolution: I need to put more money into my retirement fund. Winnebagos aren't cheap.
     Reality: My appliances have different plans for me this year. With a weeping toilet, an ornery washing machine, and a dishwasher that gave up the ghost two days ago, the only recreational vehicle  I'll be driving after retirement is a Vespa.

Drink Less
     Resolution: It's bad enough that my brain isn't as sharp as it used to be when I was in my twenties. I need more gingko biloba and less tequila.
     Reality: Wait a minute---have I had two margaritas, or three? How can I cut back on drinking if I can't remember my resolutions by the time I've had my second drink?

Get More Sleep:
     Resolution: I'm going to get to bed earlier instead of staying up late every night to watch Netflix.
     Reality: I'm only going to watch one more episode of Downtown Abbey and then I swear I'm going to bed.

Spend Less time On The Internet
     Resolution: Social media is a time-suck. I'm going to deactivate all my accounts and focus on socializing with my real friends, not the ones who live inside my computer.
     Reality: I need to see the latest food porn photos on Instagram and Facebook to find out what my friends are eating for lunch. Hopefully Pinterest has some clever recipes for deconstructed tuna casserole since I'm obviously not going to have time to cook tonight.

     I've accepted the fact that I suck at keeping New Year's Resolutions. For this reason, I'll be happy to raise my glass when the ball drops and toast to a future filled with long naps, Netflix, and maybe a llama or two.

44 comments:

  1. Gosh I love you!! Haha we think so much alike. It's because you and my mom share the same name. :)

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    1. Ha-ha! I'd love to meet you and your mom one day!

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  2. Good gravy I've got the sugar glider thing going on here too, lol. It's new and I don't like it one bit. But I might not go to the gym (yeeikes!). :) Happy New Year to you!

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  3. I am right with you sister on all of these. I love your writing

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  4. When setting resolutions, it's the thought that counts, right? LOL I've never been good at keeping them so I've said the ehll with 'em!
    Happy New Year!

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    1. Right?? I'm just being realistic by NOT setting myself up for failure in the resolution trap!

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  5. Marcia, I'm a realist... it's probably why we connect so well... I don't make resolutions either, who needs the disappointment ;-)

    I really want to get more sleep though, if you ever figure that out let me know... it eludes me daily ... :D

    I remember when I was younger abd thought I didn't want the sleep... let's just call me crazy...lol... I'd go for some now ♡

    Happy New Year, have a great one where your hopes and dreams happen xox

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    1. I hope that 2016 brings you a better night's rest---I know you've been struggling with this for awhile.

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  6. Me and resolutions don't mix, I suck at follow through and usually forget what I resolved to do after a few days. So instead I just take each day as it happens

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  7. Happy New year. Greetings from Bhutan!

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  8. Thank goodness it's not just me! I relate to ALL of this, Marcia :) Thank you so much for laying it out and keeping it real. My New Year post has a pic of Bridget Jones and that says alot about my resolutions...um that I don't have any.

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    1. Ha-Ha--best way to have it. I'll be stopping by to read your post really soon!

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  9. HAPPY NEW YEAR - MAY IT BE FILLED WITH PEACE, PROSPERITY AND HAPPINESS!

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    1. Thanks and same to you, Antionette! Cheers!

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  10. As a realist (which I pride myself on) I don't make resolutions BUT I am the queen of tenacity so when I set my mind to do something at any point in the year, by George, I get'er done. It helps that I have no health issues or sleep issues of any kind -- makes for lots of energy.

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    1. That's awesome! I'm with you--I"m a sticker for doing something if I set my mind to it---as long as it is something I really WANT to do!

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  11. All my resolutions are generally broken by the 14th of the month. My favorite (which I quit making) was the "yell less". I'm Italian. It's practically in my DNA.
    So I'm with you on all of these. Maybe I need to vow to "eat LESS Doritos"....

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    1. Ha-Ha!! I need to swear less---that's another one I forgot to add.

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  12. How did you manage to creep into my brain and write resolutions that are a perfect fit for me? In my new 2016 efficiency model I am adopting yours. This takes all the effort out of coming up with new ideas. Thank you Marcia!

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    1. You're welcome. See, I told you were twins!

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  13. I just inventoried my own 2015 resolutions--- pretty much an epic fail!

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    1. Oh gosh----I can't look at mine from last year. Nope. No way!

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  14. Hilarious.
    Brilliant.
    Thank you for the giggle and adorable llamas!! xxx

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    1. You're welcome. I love to make you smile, my friend!

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  15. Hilariously true as always Marcia! Happy New Year!

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    1. Thanks and Happy New Year to you too, Rena!!

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  16. I was reading right along, completely agreeing and understanding and then I got to "drink less". Drink less? Seriously? How could you even consider that as a resolution?

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    1. I know, right?? I need my wine weekends!

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  17. Funny, and my new post consists of some anti-resolutions and some that involve nudity. Here’s to 2016!

    It’s been a great blogging year! Looking forward to reading more in 2016. Happy New Year!

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    1. You had me at nudity. I'm going to stop by and read your post.

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  18. Gotta love realistic goals.
    Happy 2016!

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  19. I toast to the Lama, the booze and not keeping resolutions! Happy to hear we're in the same boat, realist-wise etc. Happy New Year to you Marcia and your family! xx Abby

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  20. "I'd be lucky to run with the llamas in Bolivia." Hilarious. This is a sure win funny to share. Wishing you a great New Year.

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  21. My resolution: Have more sex with a living person or this purple object I purchased at the store since my doctor said having more sex would make sex less painful and increase vaginal fluids. Reality: Where do I get the energy to have all of this sex? And, when is Bradley Cooper stopping by with some Astroglide to provide some hope of getting the juices flowing?
    Good luck to everyone on keeping resolutions during a time when your body had a mine of its own!

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    1. I think Bradley Cooper will work miracles......

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