I have a special treat for you today on my blog----a superstar guest writer to kick off the New Year! Please welcome my dear friend Elaine Ambrose, an internationally recognized syndicated blogger and award-winning writer of 10 books! Elaine's bio reads like a "Who's Who" in the writing community, and I'm incredibly honored that she was willing to share one of her hilarious posts on my site.A little background info: I "met" Elaine a few years ago online in one of our midlife writer's groups and have been addicted to her blog ever since. Her writing is reminiscent of Erma Bombeck's classic humor, and believe me when I tell you, once you start reading one of Elaine's books, you won't be able to put it down. Ladies, I hope you've been practicing your Kegels before you read Elaine's work (or at least have a thick liner in your underwear) because there's heavy bladder leakage in the forecast.
I'm looking forward to meeting this funny, talented writer at the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop this spring. She knows how to find me---I'll be the one waving a bottle if cabernet in one hand and a box of adult diapers in the other. Please welcome Elaine to Meno Mama's site with lots of comment love!
When Buoyant Boobs become Tittie Tubes
Gravity is the phenomenal force that keeps the moon in orbit and eliminates the chance of us floating off into space. A less attractive fact is that gravity has relocated my once-perky breasts down near my knees. It's only a matter of time before I'm pushing them in a cart.
Gravity also has other devious features. When I step on a scale, the scale reads how much gravity is acting on my body. Apparently, I attract a great amount. It's also the reason I frequently trip on a tiny hair and fall down, usually in a public place. The force comes into play every time I attempt to balance on one foot in yoga class and my tree pose topples to the ground. Obviously, gravity is not my friend.
I didn't pay attention to the sagging boobs issue until I noticed in photographs that my youthful hourglass shape had settled comfortably into a rotund grandfather clock. Instead of retaining my splendid, 20-something physique, I was regressing to the toddler stage with thin hair, pudgy belly, clumsy walk, and the need for a nap. This realization made me crave a bottle; one that wasn't full of milk.
A scholarly research of medical facts taught me that breasts naturally sag because the ligaments break down as the collagen and elastin lose the will to get up in the morning. I found a more nasty explanation that age causes dense glandular tissue is be replaced by fat that is more likely to droop. Ultimately, two of my best assets had become fat-filled tittie tubes.
In defiance, I purchased industrial-strength bras with pulley-system straps that could ratchet the migrating mammary glands off my belt. However, this caused my ta-tas to resemble military missiles ready to launch and clothes to drape like a cheap holiday cloth over a sturdy buffet table. Due to my grotesque, matronly profile, I could set a book and a full wineglass on my uplifted chest. So I did.
Further research explained that physical exercise won't redeem the wayward jugs. Push-ups couldn't reduce the droop because breasts are made of fat not muscle, so I decided NOT to attempt 100 push-ups every morning. Other causes included smoking, which I've never done, and sun bathing, which I've never done in the nude, in compliance with obscenity laws. High-fat diets can contribute to sagging boobs, but then what's left of life to enjoy? One cannot live by wine alone! Would this bosom bounce back to where it belonged if I didn't butter my corn or drown my warm berry pie with ice cream? I think not!
A friend who specializes in homeopathic treatments brought me a list of the top ten top home remedies for firming sagging breasts.
"Try these suggestions," she murmured gently as organic bean sprouts appeared from her naturally-curly hair and a mist of lavender puffed from her youthful pores like glitter in a unicorn's breath.
I dropped my nachos and cocked my salon-treated mess of a haircut. "Let me get this off my and chest," I said. "My rack has fallen and can't get up. Your potions and lotions won't help."
"Your negative energy is blocking your healing chakra," she said, her voice matching the perfect pitch of a dove's coo. "Meditate on lifting your soul so the spirit realm can help revitalize whatever brings you down." She turned to go and seemed to vanish in a cloud of non-allergenic fairy dust.
I opened a Cabernet and practiced positive thoughts as I sipped and read her list. One technique involved massaging olive oil gently over the breasts for 15 minutes to increase blood flow and stimulate cell repair. My hubby Studley dutifully volunteered to administer this remedy as often as necessary. He wasn't so excited about the next suggestion to apply a paste of pureed cucumber and egg yolk because he preferred his salad on a plate. I determined the list was a bust, so I unhooked the constrictions and flung the bindings to the far corner.
"Let them free!" I shouted from the depths of my bosom.
Then I ran naked to the hot tub, mimicking Kathy Bates in the Jacuzzi scene from the movie About Schmidt. Incidentally, that scene was voted by a men's magazine as the "Most Ball Clenching Movie Moment of All Time." Not even Jack Nicholson could keep a straight face. As the warm water caused my girls to float upward, I shook my wrinkled fist and proudly declared, "I am not a victim of gravity or criticism. I am a proud woman with a beautiful body, and you can kiss my attitude." I smiled and felt buoyant.
BIO:
Elaine Ambrose is the author of 10 books, including Menopause Sucks and Drinking with Dead Women Writers. Her latest book Midlife Cabernet won two national humor awards, and Publishers Weekly writes that it is “laugh-out-loud funny!” She is a syndicated blogger and one of her posts went viral as one of the 10 most-read posts in the 10 year history of The Huffington Post. Another blog post won “Voices of the Year” from BlogHer.com. Elaine is a popular humorous speaker and will be speaking this year at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop and the BAM Bloggers at Midlife Conference. Elaine lives in Eagle, Idaho with her sexy husband Studley. Read about her blogs, books, events, publishing company, and social media links on her website: ElaineAmbrose.com
*****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm THRILLED to share my very first feature article on Good Housekeeping! Please stop by and check out my humor piece on my life with too many pets....and why it's driving my family crazy! You can read the new article here: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/pets/a36270/i-have-too-many-pets/
Lol this was great! Elaine is so inspirational. I am terribly impressed with all the writing she has done. It (and of course, YOU) motivates me to keep at it!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I've done all the writing because I've had SO many years to do it! Can't stop now...
Deletegood post! thanks sharing!
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of high school gym class, where my female gym teacher had us exercise our mammary muscles while chanting, "We must, we must, we must increase our bust." I had none, though, and exercising didn't help (0 times 0 = 0, right)? Now, however, while everybody else who had boobs complains that theirs are hitting their knees, I finally look like I have some ;) Turns out that's the only physical perk of being 64. Enough about me – Congratulations on writing 10 books and receiving your awards!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Theresa. I wore a bra by age 10 - and there was no need to "train" these babies.
DeleteOh yes Elaine, you and Erma Bombeck share the same spirit animal, which I believe is a monkey. You inspire us all! Now pour a glass of cab and get back to that keyboard where you belong because we want more more more!
ReplyDeleteI agree!!
DeleteReading this post was a fun start to my morning! I just received Elaine's book, Midlife Cabernet, for Christmas. Yay! Love her writing style and I'm enjoying every page. Both of you are an inspiration. Rock on girls!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Laurie! I'm excited that your splendid essay is in the anthology "Feisty after 45."
DeleteAs always Elaine Ambrose is hilarious. She floats my boat (along with her boobs).
ReplyDeleteSuzette, only good friends could say that - so that means we're good friends. Hooray!
DeleteOh this is HILARIOUS!!! I especially loved your homeopathic friend's advice and how you described her organic brilliance! LOLOL Yeah, totally get this.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, Elaine!
CHEERS! :)
Thanks, Chris. Can we be best friends?
DeleteHere's to buoyance!
ReplyDeleteRaise 'em and praise 'em, Diane!
DeleteHahaha!!! This was fabulous, Elaine. It's so great to meet you :) Cabarnet will certainly help with meditation and a jacuzzi tub with gravity challenged breasts. I shall try both. I look forward to reading your books. I'll start with drinking with dead women writers. You had me at drinking...
ReplyDeletep.s I didn't know men clenched their balls. That's funny.
Thanks Marcia, for this wonderful guest post! Have a great weekend.
Thanks, Lisa. I'm off to the hot tub now...
DeleteHysterical! I can't wait to meet you both at Erma this year. Please, please, both of you, keep writing. I promise, we'll keep reading.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, I'm eager to meet you at Erma! I predict an abundance of laughter.
DeleteIt's the second time I've read about breasts this week, so needless to say I must consider my own. Always large, always real and always, well, not that perky. Gravity has not been kind to my girls. But to tell you the truth? I don't give a shit. ;-) I do need better bras, though. I loved this post. So much I had to use a vulgarity in my comment, which means I am definitely being real about my love for it!
ReplyDeleteCarol, I love your writing - and I'm thrilled your essay will be included in "Feisty after 45."
DeleteI will never look at my boobs the same again. Well, if I can find them, I'm sure they're somewhere in my socks.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I love reading your blog. We should be bosom buddies.
ReplyDeleteI should have appreciated mine more when they were up where they belong... oh well, I'll definitely appreciate mine even if they aren't where they used to be... lol
ReplyDeleteYour writings are totally on the mark ♡
Isn't it? Elaine always cracks me up!
DeleteHaha! I think breastfeeding has been the main perpetrator of crimes against my breasts thus far, but I'm sure gravity is lurking in the wings just waiting to rub salt into the wounds!
ReplyDeleteBreast feeding definitely killed my buoyancy.
DeleteI'm 45, I've noticed the droop. It's especially noticeable in photographs, so I opt to be the one taking the pictures these days. ;)
ReplyDeleteSame here---or just take a selfie with the camera held high so that the only thing showing is your face, haha.
DeleteThis is too funny and although I hated it when I was young, my boobies are small so they haven't drooped too low.
ReplyDeleteYou are blessed! I always wished I had smaller boobs for that very reason.
DeleteLoved this article. Yes, I've got a lot of sagging going on and I'm not even at the menopause stage. I'm screwed... well at this rate of decay, my husband won't want to anymore. LOL! Thanks for the laughs.
ReplyDeleteThere's always a silver lining.....
DeleteOh, my goodness. I think I laughed more than I should. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteIsn't she great??
Delete