Menopausal Mother

     I've been in a menopausal state of mind for eight years now, and my brain could really use a break. The endless mind chatter keeps me awake most nights and disrupts my thoughts like an attention-seeking toddler when I'm trying to get things accomplished during the day.

     In a menopausal way of thinking, the little things become the big things, and not in a good way. My husband and kids think I've lost my mind because of the ridiculous arguments we've gotten into. I have always had an A-type personality, but these Jekyll and Hyde mood swings need to stop for the sake of my own (and my family's) sanity. Thankfully, I have a husband and some pretty awesome kids who totally get it, so they give me a wide berth when they see the steam coming out of my ears

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     If you were to crawl inside my head on any given day, these are the things my menopausal brain would say to you:

"I'm going to be really good today on my diet. I'll eat an egg white omelet, a small salad for lunch, then salmon for.....OH LOOK! A DONUT!"

"Geez, it's so effing hot in this house. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT??"

"Oh man, my bed looks so comfy....and I'm so tired. What would it hurt to take a little nap?"
**Wakes three hours later wondering what century she is in**

"I love you, but if you leave another strand of your used floss on the bookshelf, I swear I will strangle you with it in your sleep."

"It's 4:00a.m. Why am I still awake, wondering how people potty train rabbits?"

"Today was awful. I hate everyone and everything. Wait, you have chocolate? OMG I'm so happy! What a great day!"

"Where did I leave my damn car keys? Oh, here they are.....okay, which one of you numbskulls put my keys in the shower?  Huh? It was me? No way, I didn't do that. I couldn't have.....could I?"

"Sweetheart, you're my little shnookums and I love you so much....wait. Stop! ARE YOU KIDDING? DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?"

"A BOGO sale on fiber pills? Hell yeah, I'm gonna stock up. One can never own too many fiber pills."

" I didn't forget to pick up the dog food. It's your fault because you forgot to remind me."

"It's raining and now our plans are ruined and my life sucks so I'm going back to bed and don't even think about talking to me right now."

"Let's order pizza tonight. No, wait---I think I want Chinese food instead....but tacos also sound really good. Actually, I could go for a juicy steak. Or maybe a burger. Or chicken wings---yes, that's what I want! Can I get a slice of pizza on the side with that?"

"Just pour the wine and don't ask any questions."

"Who used the last roll of toilet paper without replacing it? I will hunt you down and kill you."

"It's freezing cold in this restaurant. Honey, can I borrow your jacket?"
<<five minutes later>> "Waiter, can you please turn up the fans? It's ridiculously hot in here."

"Why am I always so bloated? My belly is huge! I look like I'm pregnant.....with a baby elephant."

"Yes, I know I've put on some weight recently. No, it has nothing to do with my eating habits. It's not my dumpling cravings either, I swear. It's just menopause."

    ISN'T IT ALWAYS JUST THE MENOPAUSE????

     My husband accuses me of talking too much, especially when I get together with my gal pals. He might be right, but I swear, there are times when I know to keep quiet. And there are plenty of sentences you will NEVER hear me say. Ever. This would include:

"Can I hold your pet tarantula? He looks so cute and fuzzy."

"I'd like to purchase an airline ticket...."

"Please invite me to your baby shower so that I can watch you open 30 gifts over the course of three hours."

"Of course I'd love to go to a Miami Dolphins football game in 90 degree heat and drink a warm beer with you."


"Keep driving---I don't mind holding my leaky bladder another 50 miles until the next restroom stop."

"I can easily give up wine for Lent."

"We don't have to order dessert after dinner."

"I'd love to go swimsuit shopping!"

"Yes, I ate the entire box of chocolates by myself."

"Nap? I don't need to nap. That's for old people."

"I can give up social media anytime."

"This cabbage soup diet sounds like a lot of fun."

"Sure, invite me to your Essential Oils party."

"A Cross Training program at 5:30 a.m.? Count me in!"

"I don't need under eye concealer."

"Yes, let's stop dying my hair. I'd be thrilled to go natural gray."

"I don't need any more dogs."

"I'd be happy to babysit your rambunctious toddler in the hotel room while you go bar hopping for five hours."

"We should turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees to lower our monthly electric bill. A little sweat won't hurt me."

"I don't need to keep blogging because hey, who has time for humor?"

   
     Humor is EVERYTHING. As Erma Bombeck once said, "When humor goes, there goes civilization." I couldn't agree more. Keep laughing, my friends.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I was on Her Story this week sharing an article about losing my sister. You can read it here: http://herstryblg.com/true/2018/4/10/soaring-with-eagles I was also featured on Blunt Moms with my aviation traumatization story which you can read here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/why-you-wont-catch-me-on-a-plane/