Menopausal Mother

     If you've tested positive for COVID-19 and you're stuck quarantining at home, there are plenty of things to do to stay busy. Yeah, I know it's hard to see your friends sharing vacation photos and fancy dinners on social media. That's called FOMO (fear of missing out). Just remember though, not all of us are going out partying. I for one am staying home and only visiting my family. Sure, I feel a bit stir crazy and have been eating my way through this pandemic, but I've also discovered some pretty inventive ways to stay busy. You should try a few of these ideas:

     I dread using public restrooms on the interstate during a long road trip, but sometimes it can't be helped, especially if I'm traveling with a large iced coffee from Dunkin's. Whenever my husband and I make a pit stop I try to get in and out as quickly as possible because I never know exactly what I'll find behind the stall doors.

     The other day when I was on my way back from a mini-vacation in Palm Beach, I needed to make a potty stop. The restroom was actually quite clean, but it got me thinking....what sort of things does a bathroom stall witness in the course of a day? (Yeah, I know, I think about strange things sometimes while I'm using the bathroom.) I imagine the women's restrooms on the interstate have seen it ALL. What would their daily itinerary look like? If only the stalls could talk....


6:00 a.m. Janitor check-in time: Ahhhhhhh smell that? Bleach! Finally, I've been cleared of the olfactory sorrow left from that busload of teenagers heading back home after a day at Walt Disney World. Let's see if today's travelers do a better job at keeping me from smelling like a fisherman's wharf.

7:32 a.m. Prepare for women who don't read the disposal sign for feminine products: Seriously, lady? Clearly, you didn't read the sign above the metal receptacle where there's already a collection of mummified tampons waiting to be tossed. What are you trying to do, choke me?


9:01 a.m. Poop alert: Uh-oh, she has her headphones on. That means she brought her poop playlist. She's gonna be here for a while.

10:45 a.m. Send out the first daily reminder.:Wash your hands. WASH YOUR HANDS!

11:13 a.m. Tinkle alert: Don't blame me if the seat is wet. That last tinkler hovered above me and sprayed like a cat. You might want to wash your backside with some hand sanitizer when you're done.

12:00 p.m. Lunch break: I don't know what you're smoking but I'd love a hit.

1:01 p.m. 15-minute group therapy: Well, Carol, I don't know who Brad was texting while you were scanning the road for the Fort Pierce exit, but I'm pretty sure Kandy with a "K" is NOT his cousin. Cry and talk a little louder on your cell so the rest of the women waiting in line to use this stall know what you did last night at the Motel 6.

1:15 p.m. Play Potty roulette: What's behind stall door number one, two or three? Take your pick---we're all filthy!

2:04 p.m. Clean up in stall #2: Holy crap, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? Call the plumber---we have a floater!


3:00 p.m. Naptime: I really look forward to this quiet time in the stall, just before rush hour hits. Shout out to all the ladies with Paruresis. This hour belongs to you, my bladder-shy friends!

5:36 p.m. Send out a second daily reminder: Flush the toilet. FLUSH THE TOILET!

6:10 p.m. Art class: That's a lovely drawing of the male anatomy but my walls are not designed to be your personal canvas. Also, I don't think Kevin would appreciate your SMALL drawing.

7:22 p.m. Pray to the patron saint of air fresheners: The senior citizens' bus just rolled in from the bingo tournament in Vero Beach. Brace yourselves; flatulence is coming.

10:38 p.m. Toilet paper refill time: Honey, you're gonna need a LOT more paper for that.

1:00 a.m. Puke alert: That's okay, I got you, girl. I'm guessing too many Jager Bombs? Here's some advice: Pop two aspirin, chug a bottle of Gatorade and eat a bag of greasy potato chips. You'll feel good as gold in the morning, and no one will ever know you spent your Friday night praying to the porcelain god.

2:44 a.m. Border run: Seriously, you had to have Taco Bell's Steak Rattlesnake Fries?

2:45 a.m. Flush?


2:46 a.m. Flush again: Hello??

2:47 a.m. FLUSH! WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU?

4:30 a.m. Contemplate life's greatest mystery: Why does corn look the same coming out as it does going in?

6:00 a.m. Janitor clock-in: I'm so happy to see you! I've had a crappy 24 hours, dude. Whoa, another busload of teenagers? They're the miscreants of bathroom etiquette! Let's just slap a "BIOHAZARDOUS MATERIALS INSIDE" sign on my stall door and call it a day...

     We all have those craptastic days when multiple things go wrong. Bad things. Some call it Murphy's Law. Others simply refer to it as a streak of bad luck. I like to blame my misfortune on gremlins, because it's easier to blame them, rather than admit that I may or may not have done something stupid.

     I was inspired to write a post about the things that make me say, "UGH!" after reading my friend Seanna's blog---The Seanna Method, on this very same subject. She came up with quite a few things that drive her crazy, but I have some more pet peeves of my own to add to the list, such as:


Stepping outside your back door in the morning, right into a pile of dog poo....barefoot.

When you just finish waxing the car and it rains.

Digging out slimy food particles that are stuck in the dish drain <gag>

When someone puts the toilet paper roll on backwards. Savages!

You think you're done folding that mountain of laundry only to find that the dryer is packed with more clothes. Hey, at least they're clean!

When you're trying to stick to your diet and the kids bring home a large pizza....with extra pepperoni on top.

You get out of the shower, towel off, and realize you forgot to shave your legs. Decision time: shave or be mistaken for Bigfoot.

When you're napping on a Sunday afternoon and the kids pop over for a surprise visit...with three of their loudest friends.

The way your stomach feels when you overdo it.....such as after a Thanksgiving feast and that second helping of pumpkin pie you should have skipped.

You accidentally wash your new t-shirt in hot water and it shrinks down two sizes. Your shirt is now a crop top. Welcome to the 80's!

When you've sworn off sugar for the month, and someone shows up at work with a box of donuts.

You're late for an appointment but you can't find the car keys you had in your hand five minutes ago. Early dementia?


When its 90 degrees out, you're hot flashing, and the A/C quits.

You're more than halfway done writing an email or essay online and the internet goes out. And of course, you forgot to SAVE the document.

When you're trying to get some sleep but your neighbors have gone out for a late evening and left their non-stop barking dog outside.


You're late for work and drive six blocks from home before realizing you might not have locked the front door.

When you're in the middle of watching a really good television program and the cable goes out.

Solicitations for bank loans, credit card debt, and people looking for donations to save wayward cats, who phone your home during the dinner hour. Don't even get me started on the political phone calls......

When friends stop by your house unannounced and you haven't bothered to clean the place in a week. Even worse when you've just microwaved cabbage and salmon for dinner and the house smells like a fishing wharf.


     Can you relate to these troublesome situations? What sort of things make you say, "UGH!" ??

****WANT MORE MENO MAMA?  This past week I had two essays featured on different sites! Read about my Zumba class bonding experience at Her View From Home. Then check out my perspective on the elderly and how they are being shunned by today's youth-oriented society, which you can find at Fifty Shades Of Aging.

 
     I've read tons of posts in the blogosphere about gratitude. It's obvious that most of us are thankful for the same things----our families, friends, pets, health, jobs, homes, etc. But what about the little things that we often take for granted? Our lives are made easier by technology----so much so, that we often forget the small things that contribute to our daily comfort.

     Some of the "little" things I'm grateful for (and that I'm convinced I couldn't live without) include:

1. Double rolled toilet paper sold in bulk packaging.

2. Duct tape. It fixes EVERYTHING.


3. Nibble calories that don't count, especially at Costco when they hand out free food samples.

4. Plug-in air fresheners for the car to deter man sweat and the ghosts of old farts.

5. Dri-FIT wicking underwear that prevents chafing at the gym. Nobody wants to explain why there's a rash on their crotch.

6. Cheese. It's the international language of love.


7. Stretch pants. 'Nuff said.

8. Undereye concealer, especially after a long night of playing "Name That Tune" with Mr. Insomnia.

9. Bug repellent. My only defense against blood-sucking mosquitoes and the Zika Virus. No worries---I'm too old to get pregnant with anything other than a food baby.

10. Hair dye. It conceals all the grays my children have given me. I've already gone through more rainbow colors than a packet of Skittles.

11. Wine....my bottle of liquid relaxation after a stressful day.

12. Floss. The tight spaces between my teeth are like mini storage compartments. I could live off the trapped food particles in my mouth for a month if I didn't floss regularly.


13. Deodorant. Especially when I'm standing in a long line at Disney World and it's 90 degrees outside.

14. Air conditioning. I live in south Florida, which means the A/C pretty much runs all year long, especially since I'm menopausal.

15. Naps. Now that I'm older, my priorities have changed. Naps are at the top of my list, followed by food, Netflix and sex....specifically in that order.

16. Chocolate, because it makes the world go 'round....and it's cheaper than Prozac.


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm thrilled to be interviewed on Too Full To Write this week! Check out my funny interview here: https://toofulltowrite.com/2016/09/29/author-interview-marcia-kester-doyle-who-stole-my-spandex-life-in-the-hot-flash-lane/

     I remember the day I dropped my oldest child off for his first day of kindergarten. Once the teacher smiled politely, waved goodbye and shut the door, I rounded the corner and sobbed. My baby boy was growing up too fast.

     Fast forward to his college years. It was deja vu all over again when my husband and I hugged him goodbye and drove away from the dormitory that was to be his new home. Once we were out of view, I curled up in the fetal position on the passenger side of the car and cried during the entire trip back home.

     I survived all those years my son was gone, and went through it again with my oldest daughter when she picked a school several hours from home. But I was prepared, and by the time she left for college, I was a seasoned veteran of parenting long-distance. Fortunately, my two younger children chose to stay local, which spared me another round of emotional goodbyes from the steps of a college dorm.

     Now that I have all four of my offspring living nearby, I've noticed not only a stronger bond between us, but a few subtle idiosyncrasies that no one warned me about once my baby chicks grew up and flew the coop. I was surprised to learn the following about my adult children:

* My kids still believe dear old Mom and Dad have only had sex four times in their life---once for each kid. There's something to be said about living in a state of denial.

* They expect us to babysit their pets whenever they go out of town. Good thing none of them own a six foot python, otherwise we'd have a problem.

* Even though they have washing machines down the hall in their apartment buildings, they prefer to haul an industrial size bag of dirty clothes to our house, especially if they're fresh out of quarters.

*They're convinced that we have gold bars buried in the backyard and that we cash them out from time to time to afford our monthly beer budget. The rest, they are certain, will be liquidated to fund our future retirement home on wheels.

* The first thing they do when they walk in our door is head straight for the refrigerator. We might as well hang a neon sign above it that says, FREE FOOD. Same goes for our supply of toilet paper and paper towels.

*They never keep a stash of envelopes or stamps, and will pass by the post office next to their home in favor of driving the extra five miles to our house to borrow one of each.

*Even though they know how to wash and wax a car, they still bribe their father to clean their vehicles with the promise of a bottle of Jameson whiskey.

*On the rare occasions that we get an invite to their apartments for dinner, we have yet to eat a meal off of anything other than paper plates. At least they use real silverware. Have you ever tried cutting a steak with a plastic knife and fork?



     The best part of having adult children is the friendship we share. The door is always open and the fridge is well stocked for their impromptu visits.

     Little do they know that we really ARE saving up for that retirement on wheels….and the day we leave, I'm taking all the toilet paper and paper towels with me.  

 
 It's Secret Subject Swap time again, thanks to our host Karen at http://bakinginatornado.com. Twelve bloggers are revealing their answers today in response to twelve secret questions. My prompt comes from Sarah Nolan of http://themomisodes.com. Her question is: "Congrats! You've just won two million dollars playing lotto. What do you do with it?"
     This question is a no-brainer for me. I'd pay off my debts and donate a large portion of it to cancer research. But the whimsical side of me would also donate the money to a home for wayward squirrels....or "Bears, Badgers and Beavers Without Borders."
     As I contemplated this conundrum over martinis on the front porch with The Hubs, his tongue loosened up with each sip of gin. He knew EXACTLY what he would do with the two million dollars.

***Something you should know about the other half of the Meno Mama equation: The Hubs is a wannabe inventor. Most of his ideas are so far out there that NASA cannot retrieve them. But sometimes I see that flash of brilliance in his eyes and I know he's onto something unique. Or scary. I'll let you decide.

10 THINGS THE HUBS WOULD DO WITH TWO MILLION DOLLARS

1.  Invent tequila laced ice packs for hot flashing, menopausal women.

2.  Create a testosterone teddy bear. Men would sleep with it and wake up as hairy as the bear. Stay tuned: next week he'll be introducing Veronica the Viagra Doll.

3.  Invest in latex underwear. It will be leak proof and won't get holes in it from excessive sharting.

4.  Build affordable army tanks for easy travel. You'd never have to worry about speeding tickets, door dings or expensive tire replacement. It would also come equipped with a toilet and a well stocked mini bar.

5.  Invent an underarm, automatic hair braider for men. It would alleviate the pain of armpit hair being yanked out by the root from roll-on deodorants.

6.  Start a new support group, "Burpers Anonymous," for chronic burpers. This would be a safe haven for burping freely without judgment. Carbonated beverages and spicy, bean burritos would be served at every meeting.

7.  Invent donkey fur toilet paper so people could stop making asses out of themselves.

8.  Create a robotic beer butler that would carry a mini keg on its back at all times with a tap at your disposal, 24/7.

9.  Start a chain of zip line courses that stretch across giant shark tanks just to make things more interesting.

10.  Open an underwater golf course. Instead of golf clubs, you would use spear guns with balls attached to the ends of them. No need for special golf attire----you'd wear a wet suit and fins. It would become a competitive sport in the Olympics known as "Snorkel Golf."


     I think it's time to hide the gin and slip The Hubs some Lunesta. Sweet dreams, Dear. I'm taking off with the two million to open a squirrel orphanage in Cancun with a bottle of sunscreen in one hand and a tequila ice pack in the other.

     Please be sure to visit all the bloggers participating in today's Secret Subject Swap!

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