Menopausal Mother

Today on the blog I have author Jeremy McKeen and I'm pleased to promote his upcoming book, You Don't Have To Worry So Much. As the description goes, "It's a powerful, fun, and poignant collection of essays focusing on a range of real life issues and post-modern approaches to topics like sex, love, marriage, belief, parenthood, and mental illness. " Jeremy was kind enough to send me an advanced reader copy of the book, and I am totally enjoying it!

Below is one of my favorite chapters of You Don't Have To Worry So Much. It thoroughly describes my husband, and he agrees. And yes, he laughed while reading it because he knows IT'S TRUE.  Enjoy this sample chapter and click on the link below to pre-order your copy today!




               YOU MAY ALREADY BE AN OLD MAN

1. If you’re not excited about the hardware store, give it time. Soon you will hear the pulse of Ace or True Value, or even better—a real, hometown hardware store with store credit—calling your name. “Stop by, old man, and buy something,” it whispers. “Buy everything here, there’s room in the basement for it, and the wife will understand,” it says gently, while ushering you to buy more hammers or shovels or a new knife. “Start a new project, you can probably teach yourself from a book,” it corrals you.
2. Are you wearing khakis? You’re wearing khakis right now, aren’t you, old man? Yes, you are. You will always wear khakis when you’re old. Jeans have lost their youthful touch. Khakis—embrace them, with their crease and endless endurance against all seasons. Hike them up, and belt them secure enough for a day raking leaves or reading a book quietly. And like jeans, they go with everything, especially work boots—your old, dependable work boots. And a plaid shirt. And a Carhartt jacket. You’ll be wearing this uniform until you’re dead.
3. It’s 4:30 a.m. and you’re awake. You’re just awake. Why isn’t everyone else awake? No, no—you need some alone time—all old men do. And you don’t have to be at work for a few hours. Maybe the hardware store is open. Or the diner.
4. Smell that? That’s the aroma of a twenty-minute bowel movement, coffee, and a burnt match. You made that happen, old man.
5. What time does the diner open? Oh, it’s open 24 hours? Well, who goes to a diner at night? Ok, let’s go to the diner, it’s almost 6 a.m. Hey, let’s do this more often. There are even young waitresses there who put up with your jokes. You’re theirs for life now, old man.
6. If you haven’t gone deaf yet, you’re starting to, old man. Friends and family will understand. Just say you’re sorry, or ignore them. Your ears have had a good run.
7. Tightening toilet seats gives you a sense of accomplishment not met with in the first half of your life. But now—call the papers! You’ve saved the house from the wiggly wobble of someone’s ass slipping off the seat! You’ve done it, old man! No one else but you could have figured out how to righty-tighty the bolts while your hand was upside down and your forearm was on the part of the seat where everyone puts the most posterior flesh of their butt cheeks. But you did it.
8. Your haircut is either short or buzzed. That’s just the way haircuts should be. Long hair is for college students and single men in their 20s. Beards are also acceptable, but somehow you don’t mind shaving your face every day of your life, because every day is precious now that you’re old.
9. No matter how old you are, you are still and always horny as hell. This won’t change or let up until you’re dead, so there’s always that. Sorry, old man. Life is full of suffering.
10. The mention of Scotch or Whiskey—or Bourbon or even Gin—especially the expensive stuff—gets you a little excited. The more adjectives or descriptors of said liquor, the more excited you get. Rye whiskey, single-malt…mention of these things makes you glad you’re still alive at your old age. And watching Mad Men excites you to no end as well, just for the reason that they’re drinking the whole time. Men wearing suits drinking all the damn time means something to you for some reason.
11. No matter what the current hairstyle is, it looks stupid. It just looks stupid. The same goes for any new fashion that has arisen since you last bought fashionable clothes years ago, or whenever clothes just started showing up in your closet (it’s because your relatives just started buying you what your old man uniform dictates, and you didn’t know it, but you started going along with it because you’re old now).
12. No bands or movies or books are as good as the ones from twenty years ago, or whenever it was you grew up, old man. You’re hearing your favorite band on the classic station, and you’re kind of deaf to—well, downright pridefully ignorant—new hits. And your favorite artists have become old, too, only they’re somehow thinner and better looking than you.
13. You feel a kinship with anyone your age unlike any other time in your life. Life has taught you many a great thing, old man, and you’re ready for someone to listen to your advice. You’ve lived, damn it, and you’re ready to give someone a piece of your mind, as soon as you read up on how to install your own ceiling or build a set of stairs.
14. We know you really want to talk about your new Chevy or Buick or sensible automobile purchase, so go ahead, old man. You only live to old age once. Oh, it was a hybrid truck? Good job, grandpa. We know you got a deal, and we’re proud of you. Nobody gets good deals like you.
15. For your birthday we always know what to get you. It’s whiskey and plaid shirts, right? And a gift card to Home Depot? Or a new pocket knife?
16. You’re a bit of a hoarder, but it’s all in good taste and measure…because you only keep what you need, or that which has value somewhat. You never know when you’ll need three mismatched sets of wrenches or old boots or bungee cords or gloves. Or old khakis. Or shovels. You can never have enough shovels. The hardware store probably has shovels. You’re on your way to buy a new shovel now, aren’t you old man? We thought so.

     I remember the day I dropped my oldest child off for his first day of kindergarten. Once the teacher smiled politely, waved goodbye and shut the door, I rounded the corner and sobbed. My baby boy was growing up too fast.

     Fast forward to his college years. It was deja vu all over again when my husband and I hugged him goodbye and drove away from the dormitory that was to be his new home. Once we were out of view, I curled up in the fetal position on the passenger side of the car and cried during the entire trip back home.

     I survived all those years my son was gone, and went through it again with my oldest daughter when she picked a school several hours from home. But I was prepared, and by the time she left for college, I was a seasoned veteran of parenting long-distance. Fortunately, my two younger children chose to stay local, which spared me another round of emotional goodbyes from the steps of a college dorm.

     Now that I have all four of my offspring living nearby, I've noticed not only a stronger bond between us, but a few subtle idiosyncrasies that no one warned me about once my baby chicks grew up and flew the coop. I was surprised to learn the following about my adult children:

* My kids still believe dear old Mom and Dad have only had sex four times in their life---once for each kid. There's something to be said about living in a state of denial.

* They expect us to babysit their pets whenever they go out of town. Good thing none of them own a six foot python, otherwise we'd have a problem.

* Even though they have washing machines down the hall in their apartment buildings, they prefer to haul an industrial size bag of dirty clothes to our house, especially if they're fresh out of quarters.

*They're convinced that we have gold bars buried in the backyard and that we cash them out from time to time to afford our monthly beer budget. The rest, they are certain, will be liquidated to fund our future retirement home on wheels.

* The first thing they do when they walk in our door is head straight for the refrigerator. We might as well hang a neon sign above it that says, FREE FOOD. Same goes for our supply of toilet paper and paper towels.

*They never keep a stash of envelopes or stamps, and will pass by the post office next to their home in favor of driving the extra five miles to our house to borrow one of each.

*Even though they know how to wash and wax a car, they still bribe their father to clean their vehicles with the promise of a bottle of Jameson whiskey.

*On the rare occasions that we get an invite to their apartments for dinner, we have yet to eat a meal off of anything other than paper plates. At least they use real silverware. Have you ever tried cutting a steak with a plastic knife and fork?



     The best part of having adult children is the friendship we share. The door is always open and the fridge is well stocked for their impromptu visits.

     Little do they know that we really ARE saving up for that retirement on wheels….and the day we leave, I'm taking all the toilet paper and paper towels with me.  

   
 It's everyone's favorite blog post time of the month---Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen from http://www.bakinginatornado.com. I might as well rename this post, "Mosquito On The Wall," because we still have armies of the tiny, blood sucking vampires camping out in our yard. They're privy to everything that goes on in Bonkersville, and no matter how much Deet is sprayed, they keep coming back for more. They're harder to exterminate than the zombies in The Walking Dead.  But before I reveal any family secrets, please show Meno Mama some love by visiting my NEW post being featured at http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/momsrock/2013-09-6-good-things-about-raising-teenage-girls.html. Remember the one I wrote last time about raising teenage boys? This is the sequel---a humorous spin on raising teenage girls! Those little Facebook, Twitter and Google + icons at the bottom of that post---click on them and please SHARE, SHARE, SHARE!! Meno Mama needs your support. Thank you!

     Here are some snippets of conversation a mosquito (or fly) would have heard if he was lucky enough to survive a day in my home:

*  "You're the only kid I know who would go on a cruise ship and play the Titanic theme on his recorder as the boat was pulling away from the dock."

*  "When I returned the wood shelf to Lowe's, the clerk asked me what was wrong with it. I told her it was too wide and too long....and that normally I don't have that problem...."

*  "Nap? Of course I didn't get to nap! How was I supposed to sleep next to a farting pug who wears a pee-soaked doggy diaper?"

*  "Turn up the fan---I have clammy butt syndrome."

*  "What were you doing at Dairy Queen?"
     "Trying to inflate the spare tire around my waist."

*  "I have a stomachache---like hot, burning gas. My butt feels like it's on fire. What does that mean?"
    "Lay off the Mexican food."

*  "No, I don't want a hard boiled egg and a grilled chicken breast in my salad. That would be like eating the mom and her baby on a bed of lettuce."

*  "Why does the house always smell so bad after you vacuum it?"
    "Because somebody was too lazy to wipe up the dog puke and decided to save time by vacuuming it  instead.  It's no longer a vacuum. It's a dog barf sucker."

*  "Why did you buy Captain Crunch Peanut Butter Cereal? That stuff is my kryptonite!"

*  " I ran into Bob at Lowe's today. He asked me what I was doing in the hardware aisle. I told him I was looking for food for our new, pet goat."

*  "I'm not getting out of this bed until my minions bring me some coffee."
    "Honey, we don't own any minions."
     "Yes we do----they're called children, and the chief minion's name
is "Husband-Who-Runs-With-Coffee."

*  "If you keep eating those pumpkin donuts and drinking those pumpkin lattes from Dunkin' Donuts, you're going to end up with pumpkin thighs."

*  "Did you just throw up?"
    "I had to. That chicken sandwich I ate earlier sprouted wings and needed to fly."

*  "I had so much whiskey last night that I almost went to the free clinic to donate my hemorrhoids for scientific research."


     Now that you've been privy to the craziness going on in Bonkersville, please check out all the other bloggers brave enough to participate in today's Fly On The Wall series!