Menopausal Mother

Welcome to a new edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, there are three of us pulling back the curtain to reveal what goes on behind the walls of our homes. 

Welcome to another edition of  Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, four bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind closed doors. 

Now that the world is opening up again, the opportunities for freelance writing gigs have exploded and I don't think I have ever been busier! The nosy fly has seen me buzzing around my office all month as I navigate new websites and rush to meet the article submission deadlines. BUT I LOVE MY JOB!!  

Having said that, there hasn't been much time to record all the weird conversations that have taken place around our house lately, I'm sharing some of my most favorite comments from past Fly On The Wall Posts---particularly those from 2017. It was quite the year....

"How come the grass at the funeral home is growing so much better than ours?"
"They have an endless supply of natural fertilizer."

"I'm giving you the delicate nose hair trimmer designed for ladies. I'm taking the man's trimmer that uses a chain saw to cut the log hairs out of my nose."

"Being a good dog owner means knowing how to open a cheese stick wrapper without making any noise."

"I forgot to shower and my armpits smell like tacos. I've sniffed them so many times today that now I'm craving Taco Bell."

"Ancestry.com has a package deal on sale today. You should get one so we can finally find out what your DNA is."
"No thanks. I'm too afraid to find out that I might be kin to a schnauzer."

"You know you're getting old when you have to keep floss in every room."

"I'm scared to book a cruise. I've never been on one before."
"Come on, Mom, it'll be fun. Let's just go ahead and make the reservations!"
"No way---I remember how Titanic ended."
"Mom, there are no icebergs in the Bahamas......"

"I really want to breed our pup at least once before he gets neutered. I need to find a good breeder."
"What are you trying to do, pimp out our pug?"

"Cheese sticks are your remedy for everything. Hungry? Eat a cheese stick. Tired? Eat a cheese stick. Angry? Anxious? Got diarrhea? EAT A CHEESE STICK."

"The medical form asks what my marital status is. Doesn't that depend on the day?'"

"I was just talking to a bluejay outside. Seriously, in bird language."
"Snow White has nothing on you."

(Me, after a hurricane and no electricity for days): "My God, I wish the power would come back on soon because this house smells like sweat, dog pee, and the ghost of old farts."

"How was your birthday trip to St. Augustine? What did you guys do?"
"Fat. We got fat."

ME TO HUBS: "It's time for me to teach you how to twerk."
HUBS: (dressed in underwear and socks) "Are you making me do this because I may or may not have had too many glasses of wine tonight?"
ME: "No, I'm asking you to do it because I need to be entertained."
HUBS: (grabbing bedrail in an attempt to hold his balance while he moves his butt back and forth) "Is this the right way?"
ME: (gasping for air because I can't stop laughing) "It's right if you're trying to imitate a manatee during a mating ritual."
HUBS: "Glad I could amuse you, but I think I just threw my back out...."

"You walked the dogs, right? Did everyone poop outside?
"Well, the dogs did, but I haven't yet."

"I accidentally put tanning lotion on my toothbrush."
" I don't think your molars would look good with a tan."

"Let's buy our Halloween candy now before the store runs out of the good stuff."
"You're not fooling anyone with that excuse. Those mini chocolate bars are for your personal stash. If I buy the treats now, there will be nothing left to pass out on Halloween except for candy corn and gum."
"After 33 years of marriage, you know me too well. Time to trade you in for a newer model..."

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? EXCITING NEWS! You can find my debut article for The Independent HERE and my latest for Always Pets HERE

 

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

 

Baking In A Tornado                  https://www.BakingInATornado.com

Never Ever Give Up Hope             https://batteredhope.blogspot.com

Menopausal Mother                   http://www.menopausalmom.com/

Wandering Web Designer      https://wanderingwebdesigner.com/blog

   
 It's everyone's favorite blog post time of the month---Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen from http://www.bakinginatornado.com. I might as well rename this post, "Mosquito On The Wall," because we still have armies of the tiny, blood sucking vampires camping out in our yard. They're privy to everything that goes on in Bonkersville, and no matter how much Deet is sprayed, they keep coming back for more. They're harder to exterminate than the zombies in The Walking Dead.  But before I reveal any family secrets, please show Meno Mama some love by visiting my NEW post being featured at http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/momsrock/2013-09-6-good-things-about-raising-teenage-girls.html. Remember the one I wrote last time about raising teenage boys? This is the sequel---a humorous spin on raising teenage girls! Those little Facebook, Twitter and Google + icons at the bottom of that post---click on them and please SHARE, SHARE, SHARE!! Meno Mama needs your support. Thank you!

     Here are some snippets of conversation a mosquito (or fly) would have heard if he was lucky enough to survive a day in my home:

*  "You're the only kid I know who would go on a cruise ship and play the Titanic theme on his recorder as the boat was pulling away from the dock."

*  "When I returned the wood shelf to Lowe's, the clerk asked me what was wrong with it. I told her it was too wide and too long....and that normally I don't have that problem...."

*  "Nap? Of course I didn't get to nap! How was I supposed to sleep next to a farting pug who wears a pee-soaked doggy diaper?"

*  "Turn up the fan---I have clammy butt syndrome."

*  "What were you doing at Dairy Queen?"
     "Trying to inflate the spare tire around my waist."

*  "I have a stomachache---like hot, burning gas. My butt feels like it's on fire. What does that mean?"
    "Lay off the Mexican food."

*  "No, I don't want a hard boiled egg and a grilled chicken breast in my salad. That would be like eating the mom and her baby on a bed of lettuce."

*  "Why does the house always smell so bad after you vacuum it?"
    "Because somebody was too lazy to wipe up the dog puke and decided to save time by vacuuming it  instead.  It's no longer a vacuum. It's a dog barf sucker."

*  "Why did you buy Captain Crunch Peanut Butter Cereal? That stuff is my kryptonite!"

*  " I ran into Bob at Lowe's today. He asked me what I was doing in the hardware aisle. I told him I was looking for food for our new, pet goat."

*  "I'm not getting out of this bed until my minions bring me some coffee."
    "Honey, we don't own any minions."
     "Yes we do----they're called children, and the chief minion's name
is "Husband-Who-Runs-With-Coffee."

*  "If you keep eating those pumpkin donuts and drinking those pumpkin lattes from Dunkin' Donuts, you're going to end up with pumpkin thighs."

*  "Did you just throw up?"
    "I had to. That chicken sandwich I ate earlier sprouted wings and needed to fly."

*  "I had so much whiskey last night that I almost went to the free clinic to donate my hemorrhoids for scientific research."


     Now that you've been privy to the craziness going on in Bonkersville, please check out all the other bloggers brave enough to participate in today's Fly On The Wall series!