Menopausal Mother

Welcome to another edition of  Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, four bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind closed doors. 

Now that the world is opening up again, the opportunities for freelance writing gigs have exploded and I don't think I have ever been busier! The nosy fly has seen me buzzing around my office all month as I navigate new websites and rush to meet the article submission deadlines. BUT I LOVE MY JOB!!  

Having said that, there hasn't been much time to record all the weird conversations that have taken place around our house lately, I'm sharing some of my most favorite comments from past Fly On The Wall Posts---particularly those from 2017. It was quite the year....

"How come the grass at the funeral home is growing so much better than ours?"
"They have an endless supply of natural fertilizer."

"I'm giving you the delicate nose hair trimmer designed for ladies. I'm taking the man's trimmer that uses a chain saw to cut the log hairs out of my nose."

"Being a good dog owner means knowing how to open a cheese stick wrapper without making any noise."

"I forgot to shower and my armpits smell like tacos. I've sniffed them so many times today that now I'm craving Taco Bell."

"Ancestry.com has a package deal on sale today. You should get one so we can finally find out what your DNA is."
"No thanks. I'm too afraid to find out that I might be kin to a schnauzer."

"You know you're getting old when you have to keep floss in every room."

"I'm scared to book a cruise. I've never been on one before."
"Come on, Mom, it'll be fun. Let's just go ahead and make the reservations!"
"No way---I remember how Titanic ended."
"Mom, there are no icebergs in the Bahamas......"

"I really want to breed our pup at least once before he gets neutered. I need to find a good breeder."
"What are you trying to do, pimp out our pug?"

"Cheese sticks are your remedy for everything. Hungry? Eat a cheese stick. Tired? Eat a cheese stick. Angry? Anxious? Got diarrhea? EAT A CHEESE STICK."

"The medical form asks what my marital status is. Doesn't that depend on the day?'"

"I was just talking to a bluejay outside. Seriously, in bird language."
"Snow White has nothing on you."

(Me, after a hurricane and no electricity for days): "My God, I wish the power would come back on soon because this house smells like sweat, dog pee, and the ghost of old farts."

"How was your birthday trip to St. Augustine? What did you guys do?"
"Fat. We got fat."

ME TO HUBS: "It's time for me to teach you how to twerk."
HUBS: (dressed in underwear and socks) "Are you making me do this because I may or may not have had too many glasses of wine tonight?"
ME: "No, I'm asking you to do it because I need to be entertained."
HUBS: (grabbing bedrail in an attempt to hold his balance while he moves his butt back and forth) "Is this the right way?"
ME: (gasping for air because I can't stop laughing) "It's right if you're trying to imitate a manatee during a mating ritual."
HUBS: "Glad I could amuse you, but I think I just threw my back out...."

"You walked the dogs, right? Did everyone poop outside?
"Well, the dogs did, but I haven't yet."

"I accidentally put tanning lotion on my toothbrush."
" I don't think your molars would look good with a tan."

"Let's buy our Halloween candy now before the store runs out of the good stuff."
"You're not fooling anyone with that excuse. Those mini chocolate bars are for your personal stash. If I buy the treats now, there will be nothing left to pass out on Halloween except for candy corn and gum."
"After 33 years of marriage, you know me too well. Time to trade you in for a newer model..."

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? EXCITING NEWS! You can find my debut article for The Independent HERE and my latest for Always Pets HERE

 

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

 

Baking In A Tornado                  https://www.BakingInATornado.com

Never Ever Give Up Hope             https://batteredhope.blogspot.com

Menopausal Mother                   http://www.menopausalmom.com/

Wandering Web Designer      https://wanderingwebdesigner.com/blog

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today six bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what you might find if you were a nosy fly buzzing around their house.

Things have finally quieted down since my son's wedding last month (You can read all about it here) but what a crazy month and a half it has been! My husband and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary together, and then one of my closest friends flew in from Louisiana to visit for a few days. To give you an idea of how things went when we spent some much-needed girl time together, we ended up closing down a bar. I'd forgotten what it was like to be 25 (but my body felt like it was 75 in the morning). The hangover struggle is REAL.

The wedding came and went (far too fast!!) on April 20th, and then two days later SURPRISE!! I ended up having emergency eye surgery for a torn retina. Actually, it was torn in three places and before you ask, no, I didn't have any kind of head trauma. My condition started as Posterior Vitreous Detachment, which is common when you get OLDER. Yeah, something else we get to look forward to as we age (as if wrinkles, menopause and weight gain wasn't enough). The surgery to cauterize the retinal tears felt like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vadar battling it out with their laser wands in my eyeball. But things are much better now, and I CAN SEE!!

Despite the crazy few weeks we had here, my husband was never short on humor....


"Why do I keep getting cobwebs all over me?"
"Because you're old."

"I don't feel good."
"Eat a cheese stick."
"That's your solution to everything! Got a stomach ache? Eat a cheese stick. Depressed? Eat a cheese stick. Sleepy? Eat a cheese stick. Enough with the cheese sticks! It's pissing me off."
"Well then....eat a cheese stick."

"Why is our pug humping a pillow?"
"She has an innate need to dominate all the pillows in the house."

"You just had the laser surgery. Be careful---don't cough too hard---your eye might pop out."
"THAT IS NOT WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID."

"If I keep dancing like this, I'm not gonna just throw my back out; I'm gonna lose a few vertebrae and be three inches shorter by the end of the evening."

"You must like Spandex---you wear it all the time."
"Oh sure, I love having my internal organs pushed up into my throat."

"Game of Thrones is over and my life will never be the same."
"That's because you never had much of a life to begin with...."
"Be careful what you say; I'll pull a Daenerys Targaryen on you if you don't stop."
"Not unless you hatch a few baby dragons first."

"Why does our toilet make that weird, high-pitched sound whenever we flush it?"
"It's screaming in horror."

"I noticed that you never use your expensive gravity blanket in bed anymore."
"It weighs too much. If a burglar broke in, I wouldn't be able to get up to stop him. But the real reason is that I'm afraid of being trapped underneath it when I need to pee at 3:00 a.m."


     I'm glad my eyeball is better now. I'd hate to have missed out on all the fun around here.



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Last week I was featured on Indelible Ink with a humor essay on clothes shopping. You can read it here: https://medium.com/indelible-ink/one-size-fits-none-c6157e38fcf2.  PSSSSSS! If you like what you read, click on the clapping hands in the left margin of the article---I actually get paid for readership! Thanks!


Click on these links for a peek into some other homes: