Welcome to the latest edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado.  Today, three bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes to see what goes on behind closed doors. 

The nosy fly has been witnessing my health journey as I try to get back to a reasonable weight for my age. Of course, I can never do anything by myself in this house, so the Hubs decided to hop on the diet train with me. I'm happy to report that I'm successfully losing pounds and inches, but let it be known that it is TOTALLY UNFAIR how easily men lose weight without much effort! I'm over here eating astronaut food while Hubs lost 10 pounds just by cutting out a few beers each week. I'm also drinking half my body weight in water daily (no, I am NOT going to tell you how much) and basically turning myself into a floating human raft, so you can imagine how many trips I take to the bathroom in a 24-hour span. Anyway....here are some snippets of conversation the fly overheard:
 

I guess I need to keep clipping my toenails because there's still some weight that I need to shed. If you have any extra-large clippers, send them over. But please hide them from my husband---he doesn't need the extra weight loss advantage. 

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? If you're interested in past life regression, check out my latest for The Doe HERE. Do you find terrifyingly large bugs cool? Then take a look at my latest article for Always Pets HERE. Or have fun reading about the cutest cats on the planet HERE. And if you want to know who the cutest dogs are, you can also read it HERE

Buzz around these links for a peek into some other homes:

 

Baking In A Tornado                  https://www.BakingInATornado.com

Menopausal Mother                   http://www.menopausalmom.com/

Wandering Web Designer      https://wanderingwebdesigner.com/blog

Never Ever Give Up Hope.        https://batteredhope.blogspot.com

     When I was young, it was easy to make New Year's resolutions and actually stick to them (well, for at least six months. Give me some credit here, folks. Swearing off chocolate for an entire year is unreasonable). Now that I'm older (sigh), I realize that New Year's resolutions are not for the faint of heart, and basically, I'm just too lazy to stick to them. My intentions are always good at the start of the year, but then life gets in the way, and I find myself slapping the snooze button on the alarm way too often just to avoid my resolutions.

     This year I'm going into 2018 with more positivity....meaning that I'm pretty positive the following New Year's Resolutions are ones I will most likely never keep:

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today 12 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes. Come on in and buzz around my house to see what we've been up to!





"I can't eat this hospital food. The hamburger patty is too hard to chew and I'm afraid I won't be able to get it down without choking on it."
"That's because I just saw some guy down the hall pulling the heel off his shoe and putting it on a hamburger bun."

"Why do you take a nap on the couch an hour or two before going to bed at night?"
"It's a part of my 'Pre-Sleep' ritual."

"That breakfast burrito went through me like a breakfast torpedo."

"I think the kids are plotting to kill me. Every time I step into the living room and see that creepy, gigantic Valentine's bear on the couch, I think it's a stranger in the house and my heart stops."

"You carry enough cheese sticks in your purse to open your own dairy farm."

"I just ate two turkey burgers and now I have the entire bird stuck in my teeth. I don't think the floss I need has been invented yet that can pull this bird out of my food trap."

"My muse is in overdrive and I'm on fire."
"Quick---somebody hand me a fire extinguisher!"

"What is it with boys? Hover boards, an office chair and sparklers equal a scary night on our street. God help us all."

"A balanced diet is a cupcake in each hand."

"Sorry I didn't respond to your text. My mind wandered off and I forgot."
"Wandered off? I think it left for good."

"I ate too much piccadilly tonight. I'm crop dusting beans and rice everywhere I walk. "

"What's the matter with you? Every man has lighter fluid in his garage."
"What are you, a dinosaur? Coals and lighter fluid went out after the 60's. Everyone uses propane grills now. "

"Of course I won't tell anyone what happened. I understand the girl code of silence."
"Since when do girls know how to keep silent?"

Well, there you go, folks! Another crazy month at the Doyle abode. And yes, this girl can't keep silent. Why do you think I'm a writer??



****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm delighted to have my first ever feature on Elephant Journal, and it's a POEM! Yes, in a former life before writing humor, I wrote poetry. You can read my poem "Leaving" here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/02/leaving-poem/
I also have a NEW blog post up this week on Bonbon Break titled, "Mirror mirror On The Wall, I Am My Mother After All." You can read it here: http://www.bonbonbreak.com/mirror-mirror-wall-mother


Buzz around these other participating sites for a peek into some other homes:

    Several years ago when I was complaining to a friend that menopause was sapping me of all my energy, she told me she had a secret weapon to staying active all day. I asked if she was making her coffee extra strong in the morning or if she had just discovered a new way to survive on only three hours of sleep. That's when she told me about  Celsius, a HEALTHY energy drink that gives you an extra boost during the day and burns 100 or more calories per serving.

     I've never been a fan of energy drinks---the artificial ingredients have always scared me away. The few I tried tasted like overly-sugared drinks from a Kiddie party and left me feeling jittery and restless. My friend promised that Celsius was different, and she gave me a can of the Sparkling Orange flavor. I drank it with my lunch that afternoon, and was surprised by how delicious and refreshing the beverage was.

     Within thirty minutes of drinking the can of Celsius, I was wide awake and ready to get back to work. I couldn't believe the difference it made in my energy level!  I went out that afternoon and bought several more cans, and have been drinking Celsius ever since.

ABOUT THE DRINK:

     Celsius drinks are certified gluten-free, contain no sugar or preservatives, no high fructose corn syrup, no aspartame, no artificial flavors or colors and it only contains low amounts of sodium. Celsius contains a proprietary blend of ingredients such as green tea, EGCG, ginger, calcium, chromium, caffeine, guarani, and vitamins B & C, which work together to provide 93% greater fat loss, plus improved cardio fitness and endurance. Best of all? It's the world's first negative calorie drink and the winner of 15 International Awards!

     Celsius comes in five flavors: Sparkling Orange, Peach Mango Green Tea, Sparkling Wildberry, Sparkling Cola, and Raspberry Acai Green Tea. My personal favorites are the orange and cola flavors.

     Another thing I love about this energy drink is that it's available in powder form, too. You can buy it in a canister with a pre-measured scoop, OR, even more convenient, 14 on-the-go sticks in a box (Flo Fusion Pre-Workout Formula). Just add one stick of powder to your water and you're ready to go to the gym, to work, on a road trip or anywhere else you might need an extra boost of energy during the day. Celsius Flo Fusion is powered by scientifically tested, calorie burning MetaPlus and is clinically proven to enhance metabolism and to burn 100 calories or more with each serving.  *Studies published in the International Society of Sports Nutrition show that Celsius Flo Fusion, when combined with moderate exercise, will significantly increase fat loss, endurance and cardio fitness.*

     Celsius is available just about everywhere that energy drinks are sold. You can find it in various grocery chain stores, drugstores and vitamin shops.

A CELEBRITY FAVORITE:  

     There are quite a few celebrities who are fans of Celsius. To name a few:

Mario Lopez
Flo Rida
Blake Koch
Sofia Vergara
Leann Rimes
Russell & Kimora Simmons
Neil Patrick Harris
Howie Mandel
Jordin Sparks

MY EXPERIENCE WITH CELSIUS:

     I've been drinking Celsius for several years now and still love the product---so much so, that I've been handing out packets to my friends at the gym for them to sample. Every person I have introduced to Celsius has become a huge fan of the drink. I've even given it to several of the Zumba instructors in my class and now they carry packets with them to stay energized throughout the day.

     Who else would benefit from this drink? Parents of young children who find it difficult to stay awake during the day after only a few hours of sleep the night before. People who work long hours at a time. Mid-lifers who find themselves more tired as they get older. Menopausal women who battle fatigue daily (loss of energy is a common symptom of menopause). This product is perfect for ANYONE who needs an extra boost during the day or who wants to lose weight and enhance their metabolism. **Celsius is NOT recommended for people who are caffeine sensitive, children under 18, or women pregnant or nursing.

SUMMARY:

     Celsius did not ask me to write this review; I actually approached them and offered to write the post because I LOVE the product and wanted to spread the word to all of my friends who are struggling with fatigue and/or weight loss. In return, Celsius was kind enough to send me a big box of samples and information so that I could share it with my readers. Do yourself a favor and pick up a can (or a Flo Fusion stick) and try this tasty beverage. I promise, you'll discover a big boost in your energy levels and will most likely lose a few pounds if you combine a healthy diet and exercise plan with your Celsius. Enjoy!

***For more information, visit the Celsius website at: celsius.com or their Facebook page.

     I hate counting carbs and watching every calorie that goes into my mouth. I also hate getting my yearly physical---especially the weigh-in part. No, scratch that. The pap smear is worse. Nothing says "vulnerable" more than sitting in a freezing cold cubicle with nothing on but a paper wrapper that exposes my lady bits to the world. Once I hear the snap of the rubber gloves, I know the doctor is about to pry me open as if I was a tightly sealed clam. Thank goodness my doctor has butterflies taped to the ceiling to fool me into thinking I'm in a spring meadow rather than on a table with my feet in stirrups.

     If you've already hit middle age, then you know you need to be more mindful of your lifestyle. This means no more midnight runs to Taco Bell or downing Jager Bombs at 2:00am. Although Keith Richards has done a great job proving most of the health gurus' advice wrong, he is the exception. Sorry, but you're going to have to put down that bacon burger and reach for some fresh kale.

     The key to staying healthy and living longer is pretty simple. Eat
right, exercise, and see your doctor on a regular basis. If you take this advice, chances are you'll be around long enough to see astronauts land on Mars.


KEEP UP WITH YEARLY DOCTOR VISITS

    It's important that every midlifer visit their dermatologist, optometrist, dentist, gynecologist and nutologist (okay, I made that one up for the men) and, in 5-10 year increments, the proctologist. Yep, you need to have a camera shoved up your you-know-what to check for colon cancer and polyps. No worries---pretty soon they'll have a smart phone to do the colonoscopy for you.

     Ladies, be sure to keep up with your mammograms as well. Personally, I think men should be required to have nutograms, just to even the score….


EXERCISE REGULARLY 

     If you're as lazy as I am, this is a tough one. I can work up a sweat just trudging through shag carpet to get to the refrigerator. Get those Rollerblades out of the attic, dust off your spandex leggings and clean the rust out of your bicycle (but first, check for spider colonies in the spokes). If you own a Fitbit, wear it daily to see how many miles you've walked and the amount of calories you've burned. If the bracelet is still sitting in the box, then your Fitbit has turned into a Fatbit.


     It's no longer acceptable to sit through a Netflix marathon with one hand buried in a bowl of chips and the other wrapped around a soda can. You need to switch out the couch for a treadmill, and swap the chips and soda with a water bottle and a sweat rag. Don't be one of those people who makes a New Year's resolution to go to the gym religiously, and then when Easter hits, you quit. Cadbury Creme Eggs and Peeps are not an excuse to stop exercising.


EAT HEALTHY

     Remember those yummy chocolate milkshakes you used to suck down at the local burger joint? Fuggedaboutit. Your drink of choice now has a new name. It's called a "chia seed and kale smoothie." Just add a banana, some Greek yogurt and a touch of honey so that you won't feel like you're drinking something that came from the bottom of your husband's lawn mower bag.

     I'll bet you also remember when breakfast was FUN. Bacon, eggs, hash browns, donuts…..does that ring a bell? Sorry, but it's time to say sayonara to that heart attack on a plate and opt for egg whites scrambled with fresh spinach, a cup of fruit and a thin slice of whole wheat toast (hold the butter, please). Chicken and fish will become your best friends too, with steak being the one-night stand that haunts your dreams.

     You're going to need to ease up a little on the caffeine and wine, too. Well, maybe the caffeine isn't so bad if you don't mind hanging out with the owls. And wine? Heck, that's made from grapes….and grapes are fruit. Fruit is part of the food pyramid, so go ahead and fill up your glass.


     My advice for midlifers who want to stay healthy? Don't eat any corn before you go the proctologist.

     And keep your clam clean.




     


      

 
    Little white lies. We're all guilty of using them, whether it's to protect someone's feelings or to get out of attending the fifth Pampered Chef party invitation we've received in a month. We stretch the truth on the internet to make our lives sound more interesting. We tell our teens that our wallets have more cobwebs in them than an Egyptian tomb to avoid paying for a concert we secretly don't want them to attend.

     White lies are used to avoid the truth about ourselves and our loved ones. We use them to validate our actions, manipulate situations in our favor and to help sidestep conflict with others.

     Many of my female friends are very sensitive to the feelings of others and confess to using white lies whenever necessary. For instance, they would rather shave their heads than tell their husbands that they really didn't want a nose hair trimmer for a birthday gift, or that their friend's expensive bridesmaid dress looks more like a gunny sack dunked in a vat of Grey Poupon.


     My own mother is guilty of telling me little white lies when I was a child.  "If you eat all your carrots, you'll always have good eyesight"…. WRONG. I consumed more carrots in my youth than the entire rabbit population at the local pet store, and I'm still sporting 2.5 readers.  She also told me that calves liver is an acquired taste. Thirty years later and I still gag when I smell it frying in a pan with onions.

     Here's a list of the typical white lies that many women tell themselves:


*I'm only baking these chocolate chip cookies for the kids.

*All I need is five more minutes of sleep, and then I'll get out of bed.

*The kids won't notice we're eating leftover tuna casserole two nights in a row if I bury it under a mound of cheese.

*I refuse to give away my size 6 clothing because I'm sure I can lose these last 20 pounds of baby weight.

*My husband doesn't need me to remind him that our anniversary is coming up.

*I don't waste time on Facebook or Pinterest.

*I can quit eating sugar and salt anytime.

*My husband won't notice that I spent a fortune on yoga clothes but haven't been to the gym in six months.

*One more glass of wine won't affect me.

*I'm not sleeping…. I'm just resting my eyes.

*My husband will never see the extra charges from the Ikea store on our credit card bill.

 *I'll wake up early tomorrow to finish the project.

*My co-workers won't care if I re-heat broccoli in the lunchroom.

*The kids won't mind if we use their inheritance to invest in a billy goat farm.

*My husband won't notice that I haven't had time to wash my hair in three days.

*I'll start my diet on Monday.

*My daughter won't be angry if I tag her on Facebook with an old photo from her awkward, prepubescent years.

*The calories from the bites off my husband's dinner plate don't count.

*I'm sure my boss will be understanding when I call out of work for the third time this week with a sick toddler.

*I dance so much better after several vodka martinis.

*Just one more bite and then I'll stop.

*No way was she born with a perfect body like that.

*My son won't mind if I show his new girlfriend twenty hours of old family videos.

*I swear I didn't eat the last slice of pizza. It must have been the dog.

*I'm only going to watch one more episode of Orange Is The New Black on Netflix before I go to bed.

*I don't need to write down that information because I have a mind like a steel trap.

*I can't understand why I'm not loosing any weight. I haven't cheated on my diet at all.

*My husband won't be disappointed when I claim another headache for the third night in a row.

*I can't throw away my collection of Hello Kitty socks---they might be worth a lot of money one day.

*Of course I'm on my way there. I left ten minutes ago.


*I'll buy these jeans one size smaller because I know I'll fit into them eventually.

*No, really, you don't have to get me anything for my birthday.

*My life would be perfect if I won the lottery.

*I don't snore.

*It's perfectly acceptable to steal chocolate from my kids' Easter baskets and hide in the bathroom to eat it.

*I'll be ready to go in just a few minutes.

*Of course I love your new hairstyle. That purple mohawk really brings out your eye color.



     If ten or more of these apply to you, welcome to the Little White Liar's club. Now pass me that plate of cookies---- the kids won't notice if we eat them all. We can always blame it on the dog.

 My favorite part of the gym is Zumba class. I love to incorporate dances moves into my workout because it tricks my brain into thinking it's 1978 (I'm always looking for a spinning disco ball and John Travolta in a white suit).While I'm not crazy about ill-fitting pants that scream, “Camel toe alert!”, or women in booty shorts playing beaver peek-a-boo, I still have fun doing my disco moves. The problem is that all that salsa music makes me hungry for Mexican food and margaritas. So what do I do? Head for the nearest taco stand and make my viking ancestors proud....one chimichanga at a time.



***Want More Meno Mama? This week I was featured for the first time on Boomeon! I'm dishing on what it's like to go from an empty nest to a full house. You can read it here: http://www.boomeon.com/posts/from-empty-nest-to-full-house

I recently had lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, and it was so refreshing to get out of the house for a day. Being a writer, I sometimes forget that there's a whole world outside of the blogging bubble that I live in. I've always fostered my online friendships, but I needed some quality bonding time with my gal pal.  

We sat in the booth at the restaurant for four hours and shared lots of laughs, gossip, wine and some great Mexican food. It was such a nice change of pace for me to get away from book edits, emails and blog postings. Being with her reminded me of how much I miss the days when I had the freedom to attend spontaneous gatherings with friends over dinner and drinks. Lately, I find myself apologizing to the people I haven't been able to spend enough time with. But here's the cool thing---my closest buddies understand how crazy my life is right now with the upcoming book release, and they don't judge me for not having time to hang out. They know I would love nothing more than to spend a few hours sharing funny stories and laughter over a good bottle of pinot grigio, but they also respect the time constraints of my writing career.

These ladies are my tribe. What makes us best friends? We don't judge each other, lie to one another or gossip behind each other's back. My gal pals send me funny pictures of baby owls and squirrels when I'm having a bad day because they KNOW what will cheer me up. The same goes in the blogging community----my closest buddies and I share each other's writing and are happy for one another's success. It's all about support----not a competition to see who has more readers, more features or more awards. Sharing is synonymous with spreading the love when it comes to blogging, and my friends (both online and off) are an integral part of that success.

In the spirit of friendship, I'm sharing another one of my favorite posts that originally appeared on In The Powder Room. This is dedicated to all my besties out there…you know who you are.

1. She doesn't tag you in unflattering pictures on Facebook and is happy to crop the photo if you think your hips look enormous.
   
   
2. Tells you if you need to pop a mint, clip your nose hairs, or pluck your unibrow. Got spinach in your teeth? She'll help you dig it out. She'll also tell you if your arm pits smell and let you borrow her roll-on deodorant.
   
   
3. She'll keep up with you shot for shot at the bar and never judge you for getting sloppy drunk or crying over the man who broke your heart. She'll also hold your hair out of your face while you pray to the porcelain god.
   
   
4. Tells you if your new jeans really do make your butt look big.
   
   
5. She has your back at parties and will warn you if the guy you're flirting with has “douchebag” written across his forehead. She'll also alert you of any exes prowling the room and goes into guard dog mode if he comes near.
   
   
6. Accompanies you to awkward appointments like a bikini wax or pap smear.
   
   
7. She's being honest about your new haircut by asking if your stylist's name is Edward Scissorhands.
   
   
8. When you need to break your diet with snack cakes or a tub of cheese balls, she'll break her own diet too and help you eat the junk food just so you won't feel guilty.
   
   
9. She shares equally embarrassing stories of sexual mishaps in the bedroom, which makes you feel a whole lot better about the time you let some gas slip during an intimate moment.
   
   
10. Never tells your husband how much you REALLY spent on that new dress.
    
    
11. Your periods sync up, enabling you to sympathize with one another when you flip the switch into bitch mode. 
    
    
12. Accompanies you to public restrooms and doesn't care if you pee in front of her.  If you don't make it to the toilet on time and have an accident in her car, she's okay with that, too.

    
    
    

    
    
    ****Want more Meno Mama? This week I had a post featured on Humor Outcasts. You can read it here:  http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/if-i-were-a-rich-man/