If there is one creation on earth that I hate above all else, it is the COCKROACH. We have plenty of them down here in south Florida because these nasty insects love the tropics as much as the tourists do. We call ours "palmetto bugs," and they're the size of chupacabras. Even worse--the females can FLY (the true definition of hell).
Another disgusting and horrifying thing about cockroaches: they refuse to DIE, no matter how many times they're sprayed with poison or squished with a shoe. I'm convinced they'll survive the apocalypse in a zombie-cockroach kind of way....which means that we're all doomed.
I've had enough years in Florida to "observe" cockroaches, (what I really mean is that I SCREAM and run in TERROR) and the females are particularly tenacious. They give birth to dozens of babies at once and are quite clever about laying their eggs in hidden places. I'm certain they have a secret agenda, but if I had to think like a female cockroach, I imagine this is what my daily agenda would be:
6:00 a.m. Kitchen lights on. Hide under toaster and nibble on crumbs.
6:45 a.m. Rummage around silverware drawer for more crumbs. Avoid roach motel.
7:30 a.m. Mix and Mingle Party under shower drain.
8:45 a.m. Invite girlfriends over to raid open bag of Chips Ahoy left in pantry.9:00 a.m. Come down from sugar high. Check reflection in mirror to make sure chocolate chip cookies did not make butt look bigger.
10:00 a.m. Engage in Yeti tactics with furry, four-legged creature. Wiggle antennas and scurry under door mat before getting caught.
12:00 p.m. Nap time (check out wet laundry pile at bottom of teenage boy's closet).
3:00 p.m. Catch up over coffee grounds in trash bin with girlfriends
5:00 p.m. Dinner: remnants of food left in dog bowl.
7:00 p.m. Hang out incognito with humans watching Orange Is The New Black by blending in with floral drapes.
8:00 p.m. FREAK OUT HUMANS (Bitch, you think that Raid shit is gonna kill me? We've survived trips on Russian spaceships and we'll be here long after your species is extinct).
10:00 p.m. Kitchen lights out. Party time!
10:15 p.m. Kitchen lights on----everyone hide under the dishwasher!
11:00 p.m. Rendezvous with sweetheart behind toilet. Make 100 baby cucarachas. Smoke afterwards.
2:30 a.m. Early morning smorgasbord with friends on kitchen counter: leftover pizza crust, two lettuce leaves (for the dieters) and several tortilla chip crumbs. Lick margarita glasses left in sink.
5:00 a.m. Climb tiles in shower to work off extra tortilla chip calories.
5:30 a.m. Groom wings, get manicure on all six legs, lay egg in Tupperware bin.
5:55 a.m. Plan baby shower.
6:00 a.m. Lights on---a new day! Meet girls for breakfast under the toaster oven. Discuss wing span length of buff cockroach living two drawers down. Fantasize about the day we will INHERIT THE EARTH.
***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? It has been a BUSY week for me!! I co-wrote a satirical list post with close friend and fellow humorist Linda Roy, and we were featured on The Weekly Humorist! You can read the post here: https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/new-requirements-for-voter-registration-under-the-trump-administration/ Later this week, I had my first feature post on Little Old Lady Comedy---a fun, new essay on why menopause doesn't suck, which you can read here: https://littleoldladycomedy.com/2018/09/05/why-menopause-doesnt-always-suck/
