Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, four bloggers are bravely sharing a peek inside their homes for you to see what a fly on the wall might see. 

     At the Doyle house, the fly saw us doing the happy dance when we were successful in booking our first COVID vaccine appointments for this coming weekend. I never thought I would be so thrilled to get a shot! I am anxious to return to my Zumba classes, to visit friends in St. Augustine, and to enjoy a dinner out that I don't have to cook! Of course, I will still be wearing my mask, but knowing that herd immunity and freedom are just around the corner makes me SO HAPPY!

     Meanwhile, the fly always gets to listen in on the stupid stuff we say around the house. Here are a few tidbits of conversation:

"Help! There's a cockroach in the kitchen! Somebody kill it!"                                         

"How big is it?" 

"Big enough that it needs a leash!"

"I love cuddling up with you on the couch to watch tv. It's so romantic."

"There is nothing romantic about watching you use a file to scrape the calluses off your feet while I'm trying to watch a movie."

"If I eat six Skinny Cow ice cream cones in one day, does that make me a fat cow?"

"I need to go to the hardware store to buy some spackle."

"Is it for the wall or to fill in the cracks on your face?"

"I have this nagging cough that won't go away."

"The dog has it, too. I think you both have Kennel Cough."

"I can't believe the doctor found a bunch of stones in my gall bladder on the X-ray."

"Aren't they caused by too much cholesterol in your bile?"

"Yeah, so pass me another donut. I might as well add another gallstone to my collection."

"I hate that I've gained so much weight during this pandemic. None of my pants fit."

"It's time for you to Google search Maternity Jeans For Men." 

"I just read an article that said eating eggs improves our memory. I eat a lot of eggs."

"What else did the article say?"

"I don't remember."

     As you can see, the fly on the wall got an earful this month. Hopefully, he skipped eating eggs and has no recollection of what he overheard.....or saw what happened in our backyard tiki hut. Wait, what??

 

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA??? Check out my first essay for AARP's "THE ETHEL". Read it HERE And my first article for Hello Bonafide HERE  Plus my latest piece for Always Pets HERE

 

Buzz around and click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

 

Baking In A Tornado                  https://www.BakingInATornado.com

Never Ever Give Up Hope             https://batteredhope.blogspot.com

Menopausal Mother                   http://www.menopausalmom.com/

Wandering Web Designer        https://wanderingwebdesigner.com/blog   

 

     If there is one creation on earth that I hate above all else, it is the COCKROACH. We have plenty of them down here in south Florida because these nasty insects love the tropics as much as the tourists do. We call ours "palmetto bugs," and they're the size of chupacabras. Even worse--the females can FLY (the true definition of hell).

     Another disgusting and horrifying thing about cockroaches: they refuse to DIE, no matter how many times they're sprayed with poison or squished with a shoe. I'm convinced they'll survive the apocalypse in a zombie-cockroach kind of way....which means that we're all doomed.

     I've had enough years in Florida to "observe" cockroaches, (what I really mean is that I SCREAM and run in TERROR) and the females are particularly tenacious. They give birth to dozens of babies at once and are quite clever about laying their eggs in hidden places. I'm certain they have a secret agenda, but if I had to think like a female cockroach, I imagine this is what my daily agenda would be:
                              

6:00 a.m.  Kitchen lights on. Hide under toaster and nibble on crumbs.

6:45 a.m. Rummage around silverware drawer for more crumbs. Avoid roach motel.

7:30 a.m. Mix and Mingle Party under shower drain.

8:45 a.m. Invite girlfriends over to raid open bag of Chips Ahoy left in pantry.

9:00 a.m. Come down from sugar high. Check reflection in mirror to make sure chocolate chip cookies did not make butt look bigger.


10:00 a.m. Engage in Yeti tactics with furry, four-legged creature. Wiggle antennas and scurry under door mat before getting caught.

12:00 p.m. Nap time (check out wet laundry pile at bottom of teenage boy's closet).

3:00 p.m. Catch up over coffee grounds in trash bin with girlfriends

5:00 p.m. Dinner: remnants of food left in dog bowl.

7:00 p.m. Hang out incognito with humans watching Orange Is The New Black by blending in with floral drapes.

8:00 p.m. FREAK OUT HUMANS (Bitch, you think that Raid shit is gonna kill me? We've survived trips on Russian spaceships and we'll be here long after your species is extinct).

10:00 p.m. Kitchen lights out. Party time!

10:15 p.m. Kitchen lights on----everyone hide under the dishwasher!

11:00 p.m. Rendezvous with sweetheart behind toilet. Make 100 baby cucarachas. Smoke afterwards.

2:30 a.m. Early morning smorgasbord with friends on kitchen counter: leftover pizza crust, two lettuce leaves (for the dieters) and several tortilla chip crumbs. Lick margarita glasses left in sink.

5:00 a.m. Climb tiles in shower to work off extra tortilla chip calories.

5:30 a.m. Groom wings, get manicure on all six legs, lay egg in Tupperware bin.

5:55 a.m. Plan baby shower.

6:00 a.m. Lights on---a new day! Meet girls for breakfast under the toaster oven. Discuss wing span length of buff cockroach living two drawers down. Fantasize about the day we will INHERIT THE EARTH.



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? It has been a BUSY week for me!! I co-wrote a satirical list post with close friend and fellow humorist Linda Roy, and we were featured on The Weekly Humorist! You can read the post here:  https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/new-requirements-for-voter-registration-under-the-trump-administration/  Later this week, I had my first feature post on Little Old Lady Comedy---a fun, new essay on why menopause doesn't suck, which you can read here:  https://littleoldladycomedy.com/2018/09/05/why-menopause-doesnt-always-suck/

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking in a tornado. Today, six bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a glimpse of their private lives if you were a "fly on the wall."

     At our house we recently celebrated my husband's birthday, which pretty much lasted an entire week, because that's how we Doyles roll. Lunch at our favorite Japanese gardens, some yummy "tuxedo" cake, a special family dinner on another day at a beautiful Polynesian restaurant, more cake, a fun afternoon on jet skis at the beach, celebratory libations in our backyard tiki hut and....did I mention there was CAKE?

     We also shared some funny conversations along the way. If you were a fly in my house looking for a bit of humor, this is what you would've heard:


"The dishwasher repairman is here, but he's still in our driveway. What's taking him so long to get out of his truck and into our house?"
"He's digging around, looking for something in the back of the truck."
"Its been thirty minutes! If he hasn't fallen into the Black Hole by now, then he must be searching for Narnia."

"Look Hon, I bought a new box of taco shells at the store---it says they're 20% larger shells."
"Yeah, large tacos for LARGE people."
"Speak for yourself...."

"Our cockroaches in south Florida aren't just normal-sized bugs; they're chupacabras."

"Why are you wiggling your finger at me?"
"Come hither, my love."
"Is that your come-hither-finger?"
"You've been watching too many episodes of Game of Thrones."

"Good Lord, that fart was so loud it scared off all the cats in the neighborhood."

"You need to put a heating pad on your leg."
"Did you say an EATING pad?"
"No! A HEATING pad."
"Well good, because an EATING pad would probably take a large chunk out of my calf."

"I'm so tired of this summer heat. I melt every time I go outside. Whenever winter hibernation begins, I'm totally doing it."

"I just cleaned out the vegetable drawer in the freezer. I found a three-year-old, fuzzy lime in there that required a hazmat team to remove it."

"The requirements for renewing my driver's license at the DMV are ridiculous. I need a ton of paperwork just to prove my identity. They might as well ask for a urine sample or the results from my 23 and Me test. But I draw the line on sperm samples!"


     I'm totally serious about the hibernation thing. If you don't hear for me for awhile, you'll know why. Just ask the fly.......

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm up on Robot Butt this week with a humorous spin on advice for your college bound son. https://www.robotbutt.com/2018/08/21/12-tips-to-share-with-your-son-before-his-departure-for-college/ 

GOOD NEWS! Just learned that I was awarded Top 100 Mom Blogger at Brand Ballot. I don't know who nominated me but thank you! Time to break out the champagne!

     My husband and I recently celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary, but I'll admit, reaching this milestone hasn't always been easy. We've had our share of trials and tribulations that have put our relationship to the test. Yet somehow, we've always landed on our feet and back in each other's arms.

     Since the beginning, my husband has proven that he has the "staying power" necessary to make our marriage work, and that he takes his wedding vow, "For Better Or Worse," very seriously. Obviously trust, understanding, respect for one another, loyalty, good communication skills and patience play a big part in a lasting relationship, but it goes beyond that. In many cases, it's the little things that are the glue that keep a couple together. Forget about sappy Hallmark cards or the wilted flowers from the refrigerated section of the grocery store. If your man is truly in it for the long haul with you, he's proven it by doing some of the following things:

1.) Digging a slippery contact out of your eye when its rolled too far back under the lid for you to retrieve....even though it's 3:00 a.m. and makes him incredibly squeamish.

2.) Goes to the convenient store in the middle of the night to grab a box of tampons for you even though he's the only man in line without a six-pack of beer and a case of Marlboro cigarettes.

3.) Walks the dogs when its raining outside so that you don't have to get wet (or get peed on).

4.) Gives up his tickets to a hockey playoff game to stay home and help you eradicate the colony of lice that have taken up residence on your seven-year-old's head.

5.)  Plunges the unidentifiable thing in the toilet that NO ONE claims is theirs.

6.) Does his best to throw something together for dinner when you've had a bad day and can't move from the couch. The meal may be made with an unearthed, frozen hunk of pork roast that you could have sworn you discarded a year ago, but that's okay, because everything tastes good smothered in ketchup.

7.) Endures watching a girly movie with you and isn't afraid to tap into his feminine side by shedding a few tears during the show (or maybe he's just crying because you ate the last of the buttered popcorn).

8.) Doesn't mind picking up the kids from their after school activities when you're running late. Never mind that he also enjoys embarrassing the kiddos by dancing in his seat when a Pitbull song comes on the radio.

9.) Kills every cockroach and spider you find in the house. This has nothing to do with the fact that your loud shrieks break the sound barrier and cause his ears to bleed whenever an insect crosses your path.

10.) Tells you that you're beautiful even when you wake up looking like an angry porcupine.

11.) Offers to clean the house when you're frantically working to meet a deadline. If he rearranges the kitchen and switches everything around in the pantry, just smile and thank him. Does it really matter if your favorite pasta is hidden behind a large box of mothballs?

12.) Holds your hair away from your face when you're barfing the questionable sushi you had at the all-you-can-eat Japanese buffet he insisted on trying.

13.) Retires to the couch for the evening so that his snoring won't keep you awake. Then again, he might just be afraid that you'll cover his face with a pillow if he snores while sleeping next to you.

14.) Scratches that place on your back that you can never reach when it itches. But don't be surprised if his hand wonders elsewhere during the process. He might have an itch that needs scratching, too.

15.) Lets you drive the newer car in the family while he putters to work in the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car that should have been put out of its misery ten years ago.



     I've heard countless women complain that their men don't bring them flowers or candy to show their appreciation. Ladies, you can keep your roses and chocolates. I'd rather have a man who finds angry porcupines attractive and has great plunger skills.



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I am thrilled to have my first article featured on Parent.co this week! Check out my funny NEW post on dealing with the dreaded HEAD LICE! Eek! You can read it here: http://www.parent.co/the-5-stages-of-head-lice-from-denial-to-depression/ 

• He doesn't have a problem with hitting the drugstore in his pajamas at 2:00a.m. for a tube of Monostat and a bottle of Pepto Bismol. He'll grab a six pack of beer while he's there and tell the checkout lady that he's hosting a helluva party.
  
  
• He sacrifices watching the big game on TV to attend the neighbor's bris. For their dog.
  
  
• He loves his in-laws despite their quirky habits of being cat whisperers and food addicts.
  
  
• When our children were young and we couldn't afford entertainment for their birthday parties, he would don various costumes and morph into “Sven The Happy Swede” or “Daffy The Dysfunctional Clown.”
  
  
• He'll eat my Velveeta surprise casserole without complaint even though it tastes like wallpaper paste and looks like a science experiment gone wrong.
  
  
• Whenever we share a double decker fudge sundae, he sacrifices a few calories by saving the last bite for me.
  
  
• He has plunged our temperamental, overflowing toilet more times than I can count and chased the kids through the house with the dirty, dripping plunger.
  
  
• He doesn't mind being called on in the middle of the night to rescue his teenage daughter when the police detain her for sitting in her friend's car in a baby booster seat without a seatbelt. Yes, she really pulled this stunt.
• He's patient with me when he's feeling amorous and I'm hotflashing like a mofo. Sex is not an option when my lady parts feel like an Easy Bake Oven.
  
  
• He's always ready to protect me from a cockroach invasion. His holster is loaded at all times with a can of Raid on one side and a shoe on the other.