Showing posts with label glasses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label glasses. Show all posts

Friday, January 29, 2016

Wonderful Winter Writers Series: Guest Post By Michelle Poston Combs


 
I'm delighted to share a funny post today from one of my favorite bloggers, Michelle Poston Combs of Rubber Shoes In Hell. I've always loved her honesty and sharp wit. She never ceases to make me smile and it's such an honor to be able to feature her on my site! Please welcome Michelle to Meno Mama's blog today with lots of comment love. Thanks!



THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR AFTER 50



Google ‘what not to wear after age 50’ and you will have your pick of thousands of articles telling you what looks terrible on your old ass body.
I want to point out to the writer who wrote the ‘no-no’ article, you need to remember you are writing for women over age 50, not preschoolers. I don’t think I’ve said ‘no-no’ since my youngest was a toddler.
We could spend hours studying the clothes we shouldn’t wear and the slang we shouldn’t use and the makeup techniques we need to retire.

Here’s me, weighing in on this topic.
You are over 50 for fuck’s sake. Wear whatever you want. If you’ve made it to 50 and still need to consult articles on how to dress appropriately then you are so missing out on one of the best things about being over 50. One of the best things about getting older is realizing that we don’t have to spend our energy worrying what other people think and we get to be comfortable in our own skin with our own freak flags.
Still, there are a few things that women over 50 really shouldn’t wear:
The weight of the world. When you wear the weight of the world on your shoulders, you age. If you like the feel of the world’s weight and don’t want to give it up, then try scaling back a bit. Perhaps just wear the weight of a few of the smaller continents. For instance, I am only wearing the weight of Australia and a made up country called ‘Michelloponia’. I think it they have a slimming effect.
Shame and regret. So few people can carry this look off. Most of us just end up looking haunted or like we were forced to eat liver and onions. Shame and regret are especially hard to wear after fifty. Wearing shame and regret past fifty is one of those things that make your eyes all red and runny looking. The downward spiral just snowballs from there. Once the eyes get old lady looking, then you have to re-evaluate the wisdom of black eye liner. I say give up wearing shame and regret and fuck giving up on black eye liner.

Rose colored glasses. Oh, sweetheart, you know who you are. Those glasses do nothing for you. Not only do they make you look like you’ve been smoking weed for days, they also keep you from examining life and your surroundings realistically. Yes, reality sucks, but by the time we hit fifty, we need to suck it up, take those glasses off and dick punch reality into submission. Or just get some really big dark sunglasses instead. They cover all manner of sins.
Stiff upper lip. There is a time and a place for the stiff upper lip, but damn, it can’t be worn all the time. Too much stiff upper lip causes those funky vertical lines between your upper lip and your nose holes. We don’t always have to be stoic. I’m not suggesting that you wear your heart on your sleeve, but that is a  much softer look than wearing a stiff upper lip.
Too many hats. Personally, I can’t pull off wearing one hat much less many hats. I don’t have a hat head. My hair poofs out and my ears look like car doors when I wear a hat. Wearing too many hats just exacerbates these issues. When you wear too many hats, it’s easy to forget which hat you’re wearing. For instance, are you wearing the ‘no nonsense corporate’ hat when you meant to wear your ‘quirky and kicked back’ hat? We’re not getting any younger, you know. Sooner or later you’re going to accidentally wear your court jester hat to the gynecologist and then where will you be? I’ll tell you where you’ll be. You’ll be in an undignified position and wearing a stupid hat is where you’ll be.

Resting bitch face. Hahahahaha. Just kidding. Wear that one all you want. Although, it wouldn’t hurt if every once in a while, you had a welcoming and kind look on your face. At least that’s what I hear from other people.
There isn’t anything wrong with getting advice about updating your look or what to wear, but we are just inundated with that shit, aren’t we?
Who says what is appropriate? From where I sit, it seems ‘appropriate’ changes based on geography, social status, income and size. After a while, the advice becomes a confusing blur. I think I’ll just keep wearing my Keds and jeans and black tee shirts.
Oh, I do have one real tip. Stop wearing holiday theme clothes. Seriously.

***Even more fun----read the sequel to this post on Michele's site: WHAT WOMEN OVER FIFTY SHOULDN'T WEAR: PART DEUX 


BIO:

Posted by at 12 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Friday, March 13, 2015

Blind As A Rhino

     It started with a recipe. I misread the amount of flour that was to go into a cake and added too much of it to the batter. That night, I served a frosted hockey puck to my dinner guests. I was certain the mistake was due to my lack of attention while baking. Note to self: Do NOT watch "America's Hottest Firemen" on cable TV while making a cake.

     There were other slip-ups that soon followed….little things I stubbornly ignored, such as squinting while reading a book. Or leaning over the car steering wheel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame just so that I could see the road beyond my dashboard. It wasn't until I backed my van into a telephone pole one rainy afternoon that I knew it was time to face the painful truth: MY MOTHER LIED ABOUT THE CARROTS.

     I really couldn't blame Mom for feeding me an abundance of carrots when I was young. The myth that they help our vision dates back to WWII with the British Royal Air Force. They attributed the success of their pilot's night vision during German reconnaissance missions to the vast consumption of carrots by their airmen. Perhaps if they had consumed mass quantities of cauliflower instead of carrots, they may have needed less fuel to get their planes off the ground.

     It was my love for books---and the fact that I was struggling to read the small print---that prompted me to purchase a pair of glasses from the drugstore (it was either that or buy all my romance novels in Braille). This tactic worked for a little while until everything around me became slightly fuzzy. I had trouble reading the numbers on my cell phone, and instead of dialing my gynecologist, I called the pest control guy to complain about my irregular periods. My typing skills had also diminished considerably, and the emails I sent out were often questioned by the recipients: "When did you start calling your son Zarf?" "What do you mean you ate the dentist?". My husband had already threatened to enroll me in the Helen Keller Institute For Typing if I didn't do something about my poor eyesight. I finally admitted that he had a point when I could no longer tell if I was petting the family cat or my uncle's toupee. It was time to find an optometrist.

     After having my eyes dilated by the doctor, I strained to read a chart that was a mile away and filled with ridiculously small letters. By the end of my appointment, I had two sets of glasses; one for reading, and one for driving.

     It wasn't long before I was stockpiling glasses of various strengths----some for working on the computer, others to watch TV, and another pair for walking the dogs at night. But no matter how many pairs of glasses I accumulated, I lost them as quickly as I lost my socks every time I did the wash.

     Fed up with wearing (and losing) my glasses, I returned to the optometrist's office to be fitted for contacts. I learned how to insert the flimsy lenses into my eyes and returned home, optimistic that I'd solved the problem of my glasses disappearing into the same black hole that my missing socks were orbiting.

     It was all fun and games until it came time to remove the lenses. The harder I tried to slide them out, the farther they slipped under the folds of my eyelids. Panic set in when both contacts disappeared into the caverns of my eye sockets. You know what true love is? A man who uses a magnifying glass and a mini flashlight to probe his wife's eyeballs for missing lenses.

     Ten minutes and two scratched corneas later, I swore off contacts and decided to live my life as a blind mole. My only comfort was in knowing that at least my eyesight was a step up from the rhinos, who are notorious for attacking trees and large rocks due to their poor vision.

     Living life in a blur became too difficult ( I was tired of walking around with bruised knees from walking into furniture) and eventually I caved, buying more glasses along with several pairs of brightly colored contacts. I needed to be prepared in case I was forced to go on another eye expedition in search of my elusive lenses.

     The way I see it, putting up with lost glasses and slippery contacts is worth it to be able to see the world clearly again. And I may add a few more carrots to my diet, just to be on the safe side.



Posted by at 43 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,

Friday, November 15, 2013

You Are My Sunshine


      I have met some amazing people in the blogosphere over the past two years. Talented writers, every one of them. They have become my friends and my followers---Meno Mama would not be here today if it wasn't for all of these wonderful people. They are my sunshine.
     Bloggers are supportive, generous people who love to applaud each other's successes and hand out awards to the ones they feel deserve special recognition. I am honored to have received two awards recently, and I wanted to share the love with a whole bunch of other bloggers out there to let them know they are appreciated.
     The first award comes from one of my closest blogging buddies, Lanthie of http://www.lifecherries.com. I have known her longer than any other blogger---we started around the same time and leaned on each other for blogger support. Our friendship grew from this, and now this awesome lady has become very dear to me. She is one of the sweetest bloggers out there and I love her to bits. Thank you Lanthie, for honoring me with the Sunshine Award!

     There are a few simple rules that go along with the Sunshine Award:


* Thank the person who gave you the award
*  Include the award badge on your post
* Name 7 things about yourself
* Give the award to 10 other bloggers

7 FACTS ABOUT MENO MAMA:

* I love Zumba---I just don't like looking in the mirror while I'm doing it.

* I have tricolored hair. I'm channeling my inner chameleon.

* I avoid grocery stores at all costs because I am a foodie at heart.

* I have a love/hate relationship with Pandora charms.

* I'm ridiculously sensitive about things. It doesn't take much to crush my spirit but somehow I always get back up on my feet, ready to fight.

* Nutella is better than Prozac.

* I become OCD whenever I leave the house. I have to check the lock on the door 3-4 times and triple check to make sure everything is unplugged. I also cannot leave the house until the beds are made and all the dishes done. If you're going out with me, be prepared to wait. 

10 BLOGGERS RECEIVING THE SUNSHINE AWARD :

Lizzie@ http://summat2thinkon.blogspot.com
Vikki@ http://laugh-lines.net
Tracy@ http://crazyasnormal.com
Talya@gracegritsandgarden.com
Joy@ http://eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com
Ceil@ http://evangelize2me.blogspot.com
Barbara@ http://www.allmylivesnow.com
Kristi@ http://theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com
Betty@ http://agutandabutt.com
Jen@ http://kyleandjensmith.blogspot.com


      The next award I received is from the HILARIOUS blogger Michael Mele, who authors TWO blog sites: http://the-nerdy-side-of-life.blogspot.com and http://the-insane-asylum.blogspot.com. He was my featured Wacky Wednesday Writers guest this week and his post had me in stitches! Michael has awarded me the Liebster and I hope I make him proud by the way I answered the questions he gave me. Hey, you ask weird stuff, expect weird answers! Thank you for the award, Michael!
     Here are the rules for the Liebster:


* Post 11 random facts about yourself
* Answer the 11 questions the awarding blogger has posted for you
* Nominate 11 bloggers (hopefully a newer blogger with less than 200 followers) and link them to your post.
* Let the bloggers know you have nominated them.
* Come up with 11 questions to ask the bloggers you have chosen for the award
* No tag backs!

11 MORE FUN FACTS ABOUT MENO MAMA:

* I'd like to turn my house into a home for wayward pugs.

* I have a bad habit of making people jump by yelling "RAWR" at awkward moments…..

* I live in fear of a cockroach apocalypse

* I went into a pool this past summer for the first time in 15 years.

* I'd rather spend my money dining on gourmet food in a five star restaurant then spend it on a Coach bag.

* I wear bright red reading glasses because that's just how I roll.

* When writer's block hits me, I strike back with a glass of wine and grab The Hubs for inspiration. He has a warped sense of humor and is responsible for several of the odd lines that appear in my blog posts.

* I encourage hoards of squirrels to colonize in my backyard. I am the Squirrel Whisperer, after all.

* I've been wearing contacts for 6 years and I still have trouble with them. Most days I just want to scratch out my eyes.

* The Hubs has had a "Honey-Do" list every day since we got married. To be fair,  I have one for myself, too….it's a control thing. Are you scared of me, now?

* I sleep with a giant stuffed dragon.  Don't ask.


11 Questions Michael Asked Me:

1. How do you feel about dropping the kids off at the pool (taking a poop in a public bathroom)?  As long as the kids can swim, I'm okay with that.

2. Have you ever stolen someone's lunch at work?  No, but I'd be tempted to if it was a Philly cheese steak sub.

3. Do you fart in public (oh man, this is SUCH a Michael question)? Only if the person on the elevator is getting off on the next floor.

4. Stupidest thing you have ever done while you were drunk? How would I know that? I was too drunk to remember.

5. Have you ever been to jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it unless it's illegal to hoard chinchillas.

6. Have you ever turned a pair of your underwear inside out just to get another day out of them (yeah…another typical Michael question)? Heck yeah, and then back the other way! Shhh…don't judge…I was camping and lost all my underwear….

7. Have you ever given a homeless person money just because you felt guilty, then afterwards saw them use the money for alcohol and felt like an ass? No...and I hope I never have to witness this. It would just make me feel really crappy if it did happen. I would rather buy them food and bring it to them.

8.  Would you rather get caught picking your nose or picking a wedgie (seriously Michael, where do you come up with this stuff?)? That's why you have two index fingers!

9. Have you ever been in a house full of people who love you, only to feel sad because you didn't get any love on Facebook, Twitter or any other form of social media outlet?  The only thing that makes me sad is when my blog post doesn't do well on a particular day or if I lose a follower over a comment that was can meant to be a joke. Lighten up, people! Where's your sense of humor??

10. Have you ever voted for a president really expecting things to change for the better? Only when I was young and stupid.  I hate to see our beautiful country go down the crapper but I have to admit, things have gotten worse in the last decade or so.

11. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the throat? The last time my new neighbor started up a lawn mower on a Saturday at the ass crack of dawn.  No one wants to mess with a menopausal woman deprived of sleep from hot flashes and insomnia. No one.

MY 11 QUESTIONS FOR THE NOMINEES:

1. What is your biggest phobia?
2. Have you ever buried your face in a cake?
3. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
4. Have you ever been in a bounce house while intoxicated at a kiddie birthday party?
5. If someone handed you $1000 right now, what is the first thing you would buy?
6. Has your neighbor ever seen you in your underwear?
7. What is the one food time you can't live without?
8. Do you sleep in the buff?
9. When you were little, what did you want to be when you became a grown-up?
10. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Details?
11. Have you ever had a bowel malfunction before you could reach the toilet?

11 NOMINEES FOR THE LIEBSTER:

Phil@ http://blog.theregularguynyc.com
Diane@ http://dlt-lifeontheranch.blogspot.com
John@ http://smackofham.com
Sarah@ http://themomisodes.com
Stacy@ http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com
Dale@ http://diaryofaninternetnobody.com
Bryan@ http://brianjonesdiary-menopausalman.blogspot.com
Joy@ http://www.comfychronicles.com
Eli@ http://coachdaddyblog.wordpress.com
Stephen@ http://slusworld.blogspot.com
Jennifer@ www.outsmartedmommy.com




***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? CHECK OUT MY WEEKLY ARTICLE OVER AT IN THE POWDER ROOM! This week I'm talking about the gym…and Mexican food…. http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-11-i-wanna-get-physical.html


***Meno Mama was nominated in the Babble 100 Best Bloggers and she needs your help! To cast a "vote" all you have to do is click on the link, which will take you right to my page entry in the contest. You'll see the social media icons there by my name--just share it on your Facebook page, Twitter or G= and that will count as a vote! Easy Peasy! Can you help a girl out? I would be very grateful. Thank you for your support! XO http://www.babble.com/babble-100/babble-100-readers-choice/marcia-kester-doyle/




Posted by at 75 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

Shareaholic