Showing posts with label johnny depp. Show all posts

Friday, May 5, 2017

If My Tchotchkes Could Talk.....

I've written before about the odd little tchotchkes in my home---stuff that other people may see as a collection of junk, but to me, they're treasures. Each one carries a specific memory, and for that reason, I hang onto them. I'm not a hoarder (well, maybe when it comes to squirrel stuff I am, but....), and I DO try to keep my tchotchkes organized. Just the other day, I removed all of my pug-faced pillows and stored them in the closet so that they wouldn't clutter up my bedroom. Perhaps I should have donated them or tossed them out, but you never know when someone might be in dire need of a pug pillow.

My home is full of amazing little items that make me smile whenever I happen to spot them on a table or shelf. Or when it's time to bring out the duster, because God knows, the more tchotchkes you have, the more dusting you'll do.....

This metal biplane was given to me eons ago at a surprise birthday party hosted by my husband. At the time, I was fascinated with World War I aviation and even rode in a biplane that had an open cockpit. Crazy for someone like me who has a fear of flying, right? Oddly enough, I felt safer in the old Sopwith Camel than I ever did on a commercial jet. Which is why you won't see me flying again any time soon. It's not the turbulence I'm worried about; I don't want to get bloodied and bruised while being dragged off an airplane that has oversold its seats.

This is just a SMALL sampling of squirrel figurines that I have in my curio cabinet. Yes, I can always make room for more.....

What home would be complete without a model of the ship that sank in 1912, killing 1500 passengers? For me, the Titanic is a reminder of why I don't do cruise ships. Ever.

There was a time when I had a THING for Captain Jack Sparrow. Seriously---I had posters of him all over my house, and collected any type of memorabilia from Pirates of the Caribbean---like this doll. Okay, so maybe it was just because I really had a THING for Johnny Depp. Several years ago, I was
fortunate enough to see Mr. Depp sing with his band when they came to our town. I was right up front by the stage, too, until an unruly young woman tried to elbow me out of the way. We almost got into fisticuffs, but I stood my ground. The concert was great, yet all I remember was my urgent need to use the restroom and being forced to keep my bladder on hold for fear of losing my spot by the stage. Lesson learned---next time I go to a concert that is standing room only, I'll bring a travel pack catheter.

These are no ordinary finger puppets. These are magic puppets to spark the creative juices. How do I know? They were given to me at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop by my hilarious friend Elaine Ambrose, when I attended her seminar. These guys sit at my desk now and cheer me on whenever I feel uncreative. The one on the left represents my current status the best.

This little replica of the Fountain Of Youth was purchased at the museum after a grueling walk through St. Augustine during the summer when it was above 90 degrees. My husband was certain that the park was near our hotel, so we set out on foot to the museum. Two hours later, drenched in sweat and with blisters on our feet, we finally reached our destination. I was hoping that the Fountain of Youth was large enough for me to throw my entire, sweaty body into the cool oasis, but all we found was a small trickle of water coming out of some rocks. So I did the next best thing--I drank the water in the hopes that I would stay forever youthful and free of hot flashes. And then I made my husband call a taxi.

What sort of unusual tchotchkes do you have on display at your house?

******WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I am honored to have my first piece up on The Mighty: How I learned To Live With My Anxiety Disorder. I also have a humor article about menopause on Medium that you can read here: https://medium.com/@marciakesterdoyle/a-husbands-perspective-eight-ways-menopause-has-changed-my-wife-4b94c90ea4e5

Friday, July 4, 2014

Aviation Traumatization

While everyone is out enjoying the holiday weekend, I'll be hunched over my computer with pages of edits to complete on my upcoming book, "Who Stole My Spandex." Well, not just that….I'll also be sipping champagne on the beach while the fireworks are lighting up the night sky. In the meantime, I thought I'd share with you one of my earlier posts that was featured on In The Powder Room awhile back. I wrote it in honor of all my friends hopping on planes for their summer vacations. You won't see me doing any plane hopping this summer. Here's why:

I don't fly. Ever. But I used to. I come from a family of avid travelers and grew up with parents who, for some sadistic reason, thought it would be fun to drag four kids on a jumbo jet each summer to every national park known to mankind. While my siblings enjoyed these little forays into vacation hell, I was the nerdy kid popping Dramamine like Tic Tacs before boarding a flight. I learned at an early age to control my fears and my sphincter muscles in order to avoid an unexpected accident on aisle five.

By the time I got married, I was a seasoned flyer. It still gave me a nervous stomach, but at least I was no longer white-knuckling a barf bag during takeoff.

Things changed once my kids were born. I started questioning that pesky mortality thing and feared my babies would end up motherless like Bambi. It didn't help that I was a sucker for all those airplane crash documentaries either, but I believed my phobia was validated after a few hair-raising experiences of my own. No amount of Xanax, vodka, or cocktail peanuts was going to get me back up in the skies.

My fear of flying has been compounded by the Bermuda Triangle, which is only a mile off the coast where I live. Many flights out of Ft. Lauderdale circle over this mysterious patch of the Atlantic Ocean where dozens of planes have fallen off the radar and disappeared. There's a reason it's nicknamed the Devil's Triangle, and the idea of becoming fish food or part of an Unsolved Mysteries episode just doesn't appeal to me. I prefer to think those planes detoured through the Twilight Zone to Gilligan's Island.

Beyond the frightening takeoff and landing aspect of flying, the plane itself is a claustrophobic's nightmare. Being herded like cattle into a steel contraption that resembles a giant MRI tube is not my idea of fun. Nor is fitting my ass into those narrow seats, then needing the Jaws of Life to get out. The oxygen masks above should drop down automatically every time someone farts on a flight. And every overhead bin should be equipped with a mini-bar to relax phobic flyers.

Airplane bathrooms are another issue to contend with while flying forty-five thousand feet in the air. Forget being inducted into the Mile High Club. Every time the plane hits a pocket of turbulence and drops a few hundred feet, so do my bowels. I have an irrational fear that of I sit too long on an airplane toilet, my ass will get sucked out into the stratosphere. I think this was the start of my Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

The only way you're going to coax me into a flight today is if you promise me a bottle of rum and a first class seat ... next to Johnny Depp. If the plane nosedives into the Devil's Triangle, hopefully I'll be transported to Gilligan's Island.

If you need to find me, I'll be the one sipping Pina Coladas in the tiki hut with Johnny Depp.

****Originally published by In The Powder Room under the title The Reason I'm Not In The Mile High Club in November 2013. Reprinted with permission.

********Want more MENO MAMA? I'm over at Huffington Post TWICE this week! Whoo-Hoo!! First, I'm sharing my list of things I will never do on summer vacation. The second feature on Huff Post is about empty nesting--what else?!? I'm also featured on Scary Mommy with a more serious post--"A Letter To My Younger Self." You can find all three sites here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/things-not-to-do-in-summer_b_5523838.html http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/from-empty-nest-to-full-house_b_5538248.html http://www.scarymommy.com/to-my-younger-self

Friday, August 2, 2013

Squirrely Blogger

Today Meno Mama is unveiling a brand new award dubbed the "Squirrely Blogger Award." If you've been reading my blog for some time, you already know that along with my love for Nutella and wine, I also have an obsession with squirrels. My house is a menagerie of squirrel paraphernalia and my backyard is inhabited by colonies of the little furry rodents. It was only natural that I choose a squirrel for my badge design when I decided to create this award. But I couldn't have done it without the creativity of my teenage son and my bloggy buddy Jon Whiting. Jon is an incredibly gifted photographer and he has the most extensive collection of squirrel photos I have ever seen ( I know this because I stalk his critter photos often). Jon was kind enough to allow me the use of his squirrel photos to pick the one that worked best for my award badge.
Why squirrels? Because aside from being ridiculously cute, they're nutty and quirky. They can suck up seeds and nuts faster than a Hoover vacuum, and they have a playful, feisty nature that I respect. They remind me of several bloggers I know. It is in this spirit of nuttiness that I have chosen 10 bloggers to pass this award down to. All I ask is that they name 7-10 quirky facts about themselves, and then pass the award along to 7-10 other squirrely bloggers.

10 SQUIRRELY FACTS ABOUT MENO MAMA

1. I dont like to cuddle while I am sleeping. Don't "spoon" a menopausal woman during a hot flash or you may lose a limb.

2. I always look like I am in mourning because my wardrobe is mostly black. The majority of my underwear is purple. Between the two, I look like a giant bruise.

3. I decided a long time ago that calories don't count if nobody sees me eating them. They're ghost calories.

4. With all the men in my house, I bought stock in Febreze to counteract the mix of gaseous clouds that permeate my home.

5. I burn plumeria incense in my house and pretend that I am in Hawaii. This annoys The Hubs because it reminds him of high school in the 1970's when he couldn't get a girlfriend. He has flashbacks of being a wallflower at basement parties in Missouri when all the other teenagers were busy making out. I've discovered that incense makes a great spouse repellent.

6. I don't flush the toilet every time I pee, and this also annoys The Hubs because he says it gets his nut sack wet when he uses the bathroom after me. I am now being blamed for Wet Ball Syndrome.

7. Now that I have adopted yet another animal and brought it into our home, The Hubs and The Teenager realize that they have just dropped down another notch in the food chain.

8. I don't fly. An I.V. drip with vodka or a Prozac-laced chocolate bar will not get me on a plane, either....but a seat next to Johnny Depp will.

9. Two years ago I didn't know how to turn on a computer. Now I can't turn it off. My addiction has resulted in laundry piles the size of the Himalaya mountain range and dinners consisting of freezer-burned hotdogs sandwiched between stale rolls. I won't even mention that pesky bout of hook worms our pugs recently had....

10. I decided I was drinking too much wine on the weekends, so to counteract it, I bought rotgut wine and mix it half and half with water. Instead of drinking four glasses of wine, I now drink eight. I'm smart like that.

10 BLOGGERS SQUIRRELY ENOUGH TO DESERVE THE AWARD

http://Bakinginatornado.com
http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com
http://whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com
http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com
http://mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
http://trashyblog.com
http://homeonderanged.com
http://justkeepinitrealfolks.com
http://theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com
http://badwordmama.blogspot.com

Be sure to check out my awesome bloggy friends and you'll understand why they deserve this award!

***Meno Mama was recently featured on Generation Fabulous at http://bit.ly/12FAqEQ and In The Powder Room at http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/momsrock/2013-07-6-good-things-about-raising-teenage-boys.html Please visit the sites, leave some comment love and share it on Facebook and Twitter with your friends. There might be a jar of Nutella in it for you....

Menopausal Mother

Pages