Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, four bloggers are welcoming you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind closed doors.

     Every now and then I enjoy looking back on past Fly On The Wall posts and reading some of the funnier comments made by family members. Today, I'm sharing my favorites from 2016 (with the startling realization that not much has changed around here in four years---my family is still nuts).

HUBS: "My legs and knees are so sore and stiff from driving in this car for five hours, I can barely stand. It's a good thing no one is trying to rob us at gunpoint right now because I wouldn't be able to run. I'd just hand over my wallet and tell them they're welcome."

SON: (attempting to iron his shirt) "Who the heck put the iron setting on wool, for god sake?"
HUBS: "I did. I ironed sheep yesterday."

INSURANCE SALES REP: (on the phone with my husband): "Mr. Doyle, I'll need you to sign the insurance documents we sent to you, then scan and email them back to me. You do know how to do this, right?"
HUBS: "Are you kidding me? My wife and I are so old, we still use Wells Fargo to deliver everything by horse."

HUBS: "For us, the saying 'Ride or Die' is the equivalent of sitting in a motorized wheelchair and pretending we're Peter Fonda reliving his role in Easy Rider."

HUBS: "Isn't it cool to think we're staying at a hotel on Aviles street---the oldest street built in the U.S.?"
ME: "As old as you are today, I would think you'd recall watching them build it."

HUBS: "You carry enough cheese sticks in your purse to open your own dairy farm."

ME: "There's some leftover steak in the fridge if you're hungry."
HUBS: "No thanks. I still have a couple of hooves in me from last night's dinner."

ME: "Look at that giant harvest moon!"
SON: "What is it harvesting?"
ME: "Your brain cells."
HUBS: "That will be a small harvest...."

HUBS: "You know you're old when you have to drive with a knee brace on."


ME: "Why are you breathing so heavy?"
HUBS: "I'm practicing Lamaze for when I give birth to my holiday food baby. "

SON: "The hot dogs have gone rogue. They abandoned their packaging and fell down into a bin at the bottom of the fridge."
HUBS: "Yeah, I know about that bin---our refrigerator is an official wiener collector. "

ME: "Why do you take a nap on the couch an hour or two before going to bed at night?"
HUBS: "It's a part of my 'Pre-Sleep' ritual."

HUBS: "I ate too much of that Cuban picadillo tonight. I'm crop-dusting beans and rice everywhere I walk. "

ME TO MY DAUGHTER: "Of course I won't tell anyone what happened. I understand the girl's code of silence."
HUBS: "Since when do girls know how to keep silent?"


     My husband just might be right about that. After all, nothing is too sacred when it comes to these Fly On The Wall posts....


****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? You can find my latest work for CONSIDERABLE here: https://www.considerable.com/contributor/marcia-kester-doyle/

   
    Welcome to another Fly On The Wall group posting, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, 10 bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a peek into their private lives.

     For years, I have wanted to visit St. Augustine, Florida. I'm a native Floridian, and believe it or not, I have never visited one of oldest cities in the U.S. even though it's only a five hour drive from my home. Say What?? Yeah, I was too busy carting the Family to Disney World a gazillion times over the last 30 years. I've traveled all over the country, and after college, did the whole student tour thing in Europe where they cram 20+ countries into four weeks. I think I might have slept on the bus through a few of them.

     With my husband's birthday looming on the horizon, I thought it might be a good time to seize the moment and book a trip to St. Augustine...... Best. Decision. Ever. So much to do and see there! We stayed at a cozy little B&B and pretty much ate and drank our way through the city. Incredible seafood dishes and the best handcrafted cocktails I've ever had. For those of you familiar with the city, here are the places we visited during our four days in St. Augustine: St. John's Jail, Potter's Wax Museum, The Fountain of Youth, The old wooden school house, the old Drugstore, and both the Tolomato and Huguenot cemetery. We also did the ghost tour, plus the Old Time Trolly Tour; visited the oldest Museum store, the history museum, all the shops on St. George Street (the historic walking mall district), the Cathedral Basilica, Flager College, Lightner Museum (and we ate in the famous cafe in the old swimming pool area), San Sebastian Winery, and the Castillo de san Marcos fort. We also ate at all the yummy restaurants that were recommended to us: O.C. White's, Harry's, The Columbia, A1A Ale Works, and the Raintree.


     There were a lot of funny conversations going on during our trip, but I can only remember a handful of them (I was too busy stuffing myself with lobster and pomegranate martinis). If you had been a fly on the wall during out vacation, here are a few snippets of conversation you would have overheard:

"Those figurines in the wax museum look younger than me, and they've been here for over 100 years."

"This ghost tour can't be the real deal. How are we supposed to believe in this stuff when we have Casper the Friendly Ghost as our tour guide?"

"As many bars as there are in this town, no wonder so many tourists see ghosts in St. Augustine. I just saw a pink elephant float by on St. George Street."

"On the outside I'm older, but on the inside, I'm still 33 and living in the moment. Which means I mentally do everything but physically do nothing."

"If I was a soldier back in the 1700's in this fort, I would have gone AWOL because there was no A/C and they had to wear wool uniforms, even in the summer."
"Thank God none of them were menopausal in this heat. Then they would have really had a mutiny on their hands."

"For us, the saying 'Ride or Die' is the equivalent of sitting in a motorized wheelchair and pretending we're Peter Fonda reliving his role in Easy Rider."

"The food here is incredible, but this B&B needs to have a midwife on call because I'm so full I think I'm birthing a food baby."

"This reminds me of our trip to St. Petersburg when we went to the Titanic exhibit. I'll never forget those gorgeous first class staterooms."

"If my family had been on the Titanic, we would have been in the third class section because we were so poor. Actually, we would have been the ones working in the boiler room. In other words, we would have been dead."

ME: "I know you thought it was a good idea to walk to the Fountain of Youth from our hotel because you thought it was just a few blocks from the fort. But we've been walking forever and I still don't see it."
HUBS: "It's just around the corner, I swear."
***THREE MILES LATER***
ME: "We're still walking, and its been almost an hour, in 96+ temps with only a drop of water. Even the drivers are laughing at us because we look like stupid, sun-baked tourists. I could kill you for this!"
HUBS: "No worries---I was already contemplating jumping in front of one of the tourist trolleys."
ME: " Good, because at least then I'll get a free ride back to the B&B."

"Isn't it cool to think we're staying on Aviles street---the oldest street built in the U.S.?"
"As old as you are today on your birthday, I would think you'd recall watching them build it."

     It was a great trip folks, and if you are ever in the area, I highly recommend a trip to St. Augustine. Just be sure to bring pants with elastic waistlines.....unless you plan on hiring a midwife for your food baby.

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The wall Group Posts! Today, sixteen courageous bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a glimpse of what goes on behind closed doors.

The fly that has been buzzing around my crazy household this month has seen me go through a roller coaster of emotions---anxiety, fear, relief and elation as the editing process on my forthcoming book, "Who Stole My Spandex?" reached the final stage of completion. A week ago, I left my "baby" in the very capable hands of my publisher. Since that day, the fly has witnessed my nail biting habit in full swing, along with me staring blankly at the computer screen. Yes, the anticipation is killing me. Mark your calendars, folks. Black Friday, Nov. 28 is LAUNCH DAY!

I've been too nervous lately to be funny, but as always, I can rely on my family for humorous blog fodder. Here's what the fly overheard in my crazy house recently:



"We're hopelessly lost. I think my GPS is drunk."

"I would only consider plastic surgery if the doctors could put my food baby belly on my butt. They could call the procedure a 'bellybottomy'."


"Ahhhh…the innocence of youth….when a two-year-old tries to put a dirty toilet plunger in her mouth."

"I'm going to cut you off from the wine now, because nobody sings 'This Land is My Land' or 'Leavin' On A Jet Plane' when they're sober."

"What the heck is this Farmers.com site I keep hearing about?"
"It's a site for lonely dairy cows looking for true love."

"I'm awake, but if you're expecting bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, go catch a squirrel."

"You're about to exceed the limits of my Prozac."

"A meal without wine is called breakfast."

"My belt, socks and baseball cap are black. My shirt and my pants are also black. NOW do I look thinner?"

"Whoever stole all of my leftover chicken salad from the fridge is a Motherclucker!"

"I just heard a commercial from a place called Harbour House for the Blind, and they're looking for used car donations. Isn't that an oxymoron…. cars for the blind?"

"I can't stop spilling beer into my mouth."

"What are you--the World Pug Herding Champion"?

"If you keep weary my socks, then I'm going to start wearing your underwear."

"I just burped and farted at the same time. It's called a 'Bart'."

"I know how I can help you sell your book. I'm going to wear an owl costume, stand by the highway with a bag of books and yell, "Whoo! Whoo! Who hasn't read this book?"


You heard the owl, folks. Buy the book on Amazon November 28th! WHOO WHOO!