For this reason, I've culled some of my favorite family quips from past holidays and put them together to bring a little laughter into your hectic life. Sit back a moment, take a deep breath, and relax while you read….
ON HOLIDAY DECORATIONS:
"All my husband has to do is decorate our front lawn with thousands of LED lights so that it's bright enough to be seen by the International Space Station."
"I've got an artificial tree from China, not a real one from the mountains of North Carolina. The silver lining in all of this? No more pine needles to clog up the vacuum."
"What really drives my husband to drink gallons of spiked eggnog at this time of year are the cartons of decorations labeled "Assembly Required." On a particularly bad day, he'll claim that these boxes are grounds for divorce."
"At night, those giant, Christmas lawn inflatables glow and stand erect as if they've been given a big dose of Viagra. But in the morning once they've deflated, they look more like fiesta-colored condoms strewn across the yard."
ON HOLIDAY SHOPPING:
"Maybe the store managers should offer people little cups of adult beverages while they wait in sales lines. I bet no one would ever complain again."
"As I'm contemplating the aisle of Christmas decorations marked 50 percent off after the holidays, my husband is contemplating a separation---or maybe just a conversion to Judaism. After all, how much room does a menorah take up?"
"As I'm contemplating the aisle of Christmas decorations marked 50 percent off after the holidays, my husband is contemplating a separation---or maybe just a conversion to Judaism. After all, how much room does a menorah take up?"
ON HOLIDAY FLU BUGS:
"Little did we know after the holiday party that our stomachs and intestines were preparing to take us for a wild ride on the toilet train to hell."
"Little did we know after the holiday party that our stomachs and intestines were preparing to take us for a wild ride on the toilet train to hell."
"While everyone else was listening to "O Holy Night" and sipping apple cider, my oldest son and I were groaning "O Wretched Night" with a vomit bowl between us."
"The only surprise I wanted from Mr. Claus while I was sick was another toilet, along with a stocking full of Pepto-Bismol and Keopectate."
ON HOLIDAY EATING:
"Each year, my husband insists on buying a turkey the size of an ostrich, whether we're feeding four people or forty, so it's up to me and Pinterest to figure out something clever to do with all that leftover meat. Turkey salsa? Turkey brownies? A turkey smoothie might do the trick for a jolt of liquid protein. Turkey martini, anyone?"
"I want to live in a world where acorn squash is high in fat and calories and chocolate truffles are as nutritious as carrots."
"In my house, football season is second only to the Christmas holiday for binge eating. It's the perfect excuse to act like the Romans did centuries ago---binge, purge, and gorge some more."
"Everyone knows that three pounds of holiday food is the equivalent of ten pounds on the scale."
ON OLD SAINT NICK:
"I want to see Santa wear something other than that tiresome red suit. How about a kilt? Or maybe some jeggings. An industrial-strength girdle might even be in order after all the milk and cookies he sucks up like a Hoover vacuum."
"I want to ride in a pimped-out sleigh with Santa, but only if there's a bottle of cognac in the glove compartment."
I hope these quips brought you a little holiday cheer. If you'd like to read more, these lines are from my book, "WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX?" Don't you think it would make a great stocking stuffer or holiday present? Nothing beats the gift of laughter…..except maybe a turkey martini……
***NEWS FLASH: I am honored to have been selected as the Humor Writer of the Month by the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. Thank you everyone! You can read all about it here:
http://humorwriters.org/2014/11/30/welcome-jungle/
"The only surprise I wanted from Mr. Claus while I was sick was another toilet, along with a stocking full of Pepto-Bismol and Keopectate."
ON HOLIDAY EATING:
"Each year, my husband insists on buying a turkey the size of an ostrich, whether we're feeding four people or forty, so it's up to me and Pinterest to figure out something clever to do with all that leftover meat. Turkey salsa? Turkey brownies? A turkey smoothie might do the trick for a jolt of liquid protein. Turkey martini, anyone?"
"I want to live in a world where acorn squash is high in fat and calories and chocolate truffles are as nutritious as carrots."
"In my house, football season is second only to the Christmas holiday for binge eating. It's the perfect excuse to act like the Romans did centuries ago---binge, purge, and gorge some more."
"Everyone knows that three pounds of holiday food is the equivalent of ten pounds on the scale."
ON OLD SAINT NICK:
"I want to see Santa wear something other than that tiresome red suit. How about a kilt? Or maybe some jeggings. An industrial-strength girdle might even be in order after all the milk and cookies he sucks up like a Hoover vacuum."
"I want to ride in a pimped-out sleigh with Santa, but only if there's a bottle of cognac in the glove compartment."
I hope these quips brought you a little holiday cheer. If you'd like to read more, these lines are from my book, "WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX?" Don't you think it would make a great stocking stuffer or holiday present? Nothing beats the gift of laughter…..except maybe a turkey martini……
***NEWS FLASH: I am honored to have been selected as the Humor Writer of the Month by the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. Thank you everyone! You can read all about it here:
http://humorwriters.org/2014/11/30/welcome-jungle/
